Hey. I’m Matt Ruby and this is Sandpaper Suit, my comedy blog. About me: I'm a standup comic in NYC. I host two shows: "Flying Carpet," a monthly show at Rififi, and "We're All Friends Here," a monthly standup/talkshow combo at The Creek and The Cave (also available as a podcast). Check my MySpace page to see all my upcoming gigs. What's here: At this blog, I post 1) funny stuff — jokes, videos, etc. and 2) not funny stuff about the art of standup. More:Mruby.com tells you everything else about Matt Ruby that you ever wanted to know but were afraid to ask. Email:matt@mruby.com.
Myq wrote: it was pretty cool the PIT was full and the audience was generally really good you ever do it or think about it? it's good stagetime, for sure
I wrote: i haven't done it because i don't want anyone to see my giant pussy. but yeah, i hear they always pack the place.
Myq wrote: understood it's definitely great to do if you have a huge dick like me i mean if you Are a huge dick like me no have i mean have
The TV show "The NFL Today" used to feature a professional oddsmaker named Jimmy The Greek. He was fired when, during an interview, he gave his theory on why blacks are better athletes than whites.
Why would he have thought it was ok to discuss race and ethnicity in public this way? Perhaps it was because, for his entire life, he had been called Jimmy THE GREEK. Maybe that's the point when you stop being sensitive to racial topics, when people refer to you as [Your name] the [Your ethnicity].
His real name was actually Dimetrios Georgios Synodinos. I can see the guys in the truck trying to spell his name out and being like: "Dimetr...ah, fuck it. Just call him Jimmy. Yeah, Jimmy, uh, where's he from? Alright, good enough!"
Brent Musberger even used to call him "Greek" on air. "Who do you have in this game, Greek?" How did this fly!? I don't think this would've been kosher with another ethnic group. You wouldn't hear: "Bengals-Lions: Who's gonna win, Jew?"
The other day I was watching Seinfeld and drinking a gin and tonic. Gin and tonic are good when they're together but they both really suck on their own. The same is true for Jason Alexander and Michael Richards.
More ways PIZZA is like SEX: 1) It's better Sicilian style. 2) Sometimes you need to use a napkin to soak up the extra grease. 3) If you have it against your will, it really sucks.
Just because you have an amazing one-night-stand with someone doesn't always mean you want to have breakfast with them the morning after. The bass line in the beginning always reminds me of revving up your motorcycle, hitting the road solo, and leaving her draped under the white sheets like a crime scene.
Isn't he dreamy?
And here he is on the song "Don't Run":
I believe that there's a spot in a girls mind, just like on her body, that when properly stimulated, results in a divine awakening. George Lucas couldn't have said it any better when Luke Skywalker used the force to blow up the Death Star by shooting his laser beam into a tiny hole.
Yes, that George Lucas really does know what women like.
There's a tomato salmonella scare. But what if Sal Monella was actually just some guy from the Bronx? (A rainy day, 3 hours, and a bunch of cherry tomatoes led to this.)
Racists would be more persuasive if they weren't so stupid. I heard some guy refer to people from the Middle East as Sand N-words. Really, that's the smartest insult you can come up with? That's just something they have in that place (sand) plus the n-word, your insult for a different group of people. Way to show your superiority, guy! It's like saying, "That guy's Italian? Those damn Pasta Kikes!" Or "He's an eskimo...I hate those Snow Spics."
A fight breaks out during my standup set at the final edition of "The Kissing Booth." Featuring Rob Gorden, Anthony Devito, Brandy Barber, Sara Jo Allocco, Katina Corrao, and myself.
Notes: My nose scratch was the cue to set it off. I kept saying "Colicchio" because it was the safe word in a Top Chef joke I told earlier. I wasn't crazy about the teabagging part but hey, all's fair in love and fake brawls.
Avril: (on claims her skater-punk look is just a carefully planned image) Nobody tells me what to wear. Trust me. I'm a girl and I'm growing up. I wrote my first album when I was a 16-year-old skater who wore size 32 pants and hoodies. I was a tomboy. I had an older brother I looked up to, and I hung out with mostly guys. Now I'm into skirts. I'm growing up, I'm changing, I'm becoming a woman. That happens to girls - they become women.
Avril: (asked when the last time she had to smack someone down was) In a bar a few months ago. Some chick came up to me and got in my face and said something, so I kicked her in the box and shoved her. I don't go looking for fights, but if someone comes up to me and pushes me, I'm not going to take it.
I am so wanting to use the phrase "I kicked her in the box." Actually, let's Google it...
I've heard on the grapevine that apparently this is a big "no no" as far as most girls go, that only really rough girls do it, and it's "not very nice".
So what's with that? How does it work? Why is it "not nice"? (I mean, I know it's NOT, but if I kicked a guy in the nuts I'd just think "I was a cunt for doing that", it wouldn't irreperably damage my psyche, you know?)
Once I saw two girls roughing each other up and they took turns to knee each other in the vag. I went over to break it up, but had to stop and turn away when I realised I'd got a hard on.
Then I read about Avril Lavigne getting her music slagged off by a girl in a club, so "I kicked her in the box". For a time I fantasised about being a girl so Avril Lavigne could kick me in the vag for it. Then I got a hard on.
Is this wrong?
Yes, this is wrong. Very, very wrong. And "not very nice" too.
The Millionaire Matchmaker is a show about a witch woman who sets up millionaires in LA. In one episode, she tells her minions that it's ok if a rich guy is short because "A guy is never short when he's standing on his money!" Ah yes, it's like that old saying: "A man is never beating his wife, if he beats her with diamonds!"
Women who knit on the subway are the female equivalent of men who attend ComicCon: They are both publically admitting failure with the opposite gender. / People always say they tried gay stuff "one time at camp." Where are all these gay camps? I went to camp and no one ever hit on me. Now I've got a complex that I was a way ugly 10 year old. / I heard someone say the other day: "Fan fiction is kinda sad." Do we really need the "kinda" in there? That's like saying the Pope is "kinda religious."/ I know a girl who uses rhyming nicknames to describe people like Chatty Kathy and Skinny Minny. I'm trying to sell her on Asshole Fredasshole, but no luck yet. / The Grammys are music awards for people who don't actually like music. / "The Bachelor: London Calling" was a strange title since "London Calling" is a Clash song and The Clash doesn't really seem like a good fit for The Bachelor. It's like having "My Super Sweet 16: The Blowin' in the Wind edition." / I'm always amused by the "rockers" on American Idol. It's like watching the Disney version of Aerosmith. (Oh wait, Aerosmith IS the Disney version of Aerosmith now.) These guys are just barely dangerous. They are related to rock 'n roll in the same way Robitussin is related to heroin. / It's important to realize commercial success and artistic quality have little relationship to each other. / The problem with Passover: Too many questions. / Cottonelle has new ads that say "Be kind to your behind." It's the first time I've seen a toilet paper ad that actually mentions your ass in any way. My suggestion for the next one: "Cottonelle: Back that azz up!" / Times New Roman is for pussies.
I was at a café the other week and a mediocre singer-songwriter started to perform. In between each song, she would tune her guitar slowly and painfully. She even explained her lack of an electronic tuner by saying, "Use a tuner and you lose your ears." Um, yeah, but if you don't use a tuner, you lose your audience.
It's weird to hear a performer tell you they are purposefully doing something painful to you because it's good for them. "After this song, I'm going to stab you repeatedly...because it'll be really great for my triceps!" Great! Is there anything else that I, as an audience member, can do for you? Gee-sus.
Video of the debut edition of "We're All Friends Here," the new monthly standup/talkshow combo I'm cohosting with Mark Normand. This show featured Sean Patton, Baron Vaughn, Tom McCaffrey, and Brent Sullivan. It was filthy and a lot of fun. Lots of good stuff in the interviews too so maybe we'll do the whole thing as a podcast.
The next one is Friday, June 13 (8pm) at The Creek and The Cave and will feature Rob Cantrell, Becky Ciletti, and more.
Yet check out this quote from an 18-year-old "poet" living there who gave his name as Eirehan Failte:
“Even when it’s really loud, it’s still better than some terrible stock-trading roommate listening to Fox in the next room.”
Really?! Is it? "Are you playing drums at 3am? Cool. Wait, are you trading stocks? Because capitalism keeps me awake!" Nothing's more annoying than a roommate who's got a job and can afford to pay the rent...how bourgeois.
And is Fox really that bad? If I was given a choice between watching Prison Break or having bedbugs, call me crazy, but I would take Prison Break. Even though bedbugs probably have a more realistic plotline. (At least there's no head bedbug who has a full body tattoo that includes hidden architecture blueprints of my bedroom.)
I can hear this kid talking about future roommates: "Yeah, my roommates are in Al Qaeda. But at least they don't like Coldplay!"
"My roommate's got the bird flu, but at least he doesn't care about the NASDAQ."
"Yeah, I live with Satan in the third circle of hell but it's cool since he really likes Donnie Darko...Yeah, I met him through Craigslist. Missed Connections. I put an ad on there that said, 'G train. 7:30pm. Wednesday. You: Red suit, horns, pitchfork. Me: Not intimidated.'"
TravelZoo's ad campaign "What's the deal with TravelZoo?" I don't know advertisement. Isn't that your job? I'm not looking for a homework assignment here. I'd like to see the other ads from this agency...a tourism ad: "Puerto Rico...Where is it?" A drug ad: "Valtrex...you know!" A beer ad: "Michelob...What do you think?"
RedEnvelope catalog At the bottom of this catalog, it says, "How do you say, 'I love you'?" RedEnvelope, how did you know that this is EXACTLY how I say I love you?! I dump a barrell of rose petals on the bed, strip down to my boxers, and lift my girlfriend over my head while balancing her on my feet. Then we go into the hot tub, fill it with floating candles, and scrub each other with crystal loofahs while singing Feist songs to each other. 1, 2, 3, 4...
Cute animals on the internet Sites like Cute Overload are porn for chicks. An adorable pug sitting on an Eames chair? That's ridiculous...especially since his legs can't even reach the ottoman. I think the whole thing is Photoshopped anyway. [I was gonna say, "What kind of prick would photoshop that?" But then I remember that I'm the one who made these.]
Guys who complain that there were no chicks at Comic Con That's like complaining that there's no bacon at a Seder. Also, this is a 100% real conversation that I heard:
Guy #1: I was really disappointed there were no chicks at Comic Con this year. Guy #2: Do you really want a chick who's into comic books? Guy #1: Yeah! Do you know how much I'm dying to have a girl bring up Hawkeye in bed? Guy #2: You're dying to have a girl bring a hot guy in bed? Guy #1: Hawkeye! Hawkeye in bed. Me: [Astounded silence.]
"Dealing with Difficult People" seminar If you need to attend a seminar called "Dealing with Difficult People," then you're the difficult person.
Ridiculous fitness trends Boot camp yoga? Yeah, 'cuz nothing creates the zen relaxation of yoga better than a drill seargant yelling at you. "I want a room full of downward facing dog poses and I want it NOW!"..."Where you from boy? Tennessee? There's only two kinds of yoga in Tennessee...Bikram and Vinyasa...and that don't look like Bikram to me! So you must be doing Vinyasa!" [Damn, you didn't see the Officer and a Gentleman reference coming now did ya?!]
Silly toilet reading material What's the best way to show the world what a wealthy and smart businessman you are? A copy of Money Magazine on the toilet...obviously!
Also, I've never read "Money," but the promo headlines on the cover are some kind of generic: "Smart Moves in a Mean Economy," "The Two Things You Must Get Right," "Buy These Stocks (and Avoid These)," etc. Way to take a controversial stand Money Magazine! I'm guessing the inside headlines read like this: "Don't Buy Things That Suck." Or "Money is Good but Being Broke is Bad."
Tourists who return home acting like natives of where they went A guy I know went to Spain and came back pronouncing everything like he was a Spaniard: "We spent a week in BarTHalona. And then a couple of days in THaragoTHa." Dude, you're American...you THound like an aTHole. Comprendé? And take off that matador suit while you're at it.
Ridiculously named reporters I thought Storm Field had a ridiculous name but wow: The hip hop reporter for the New York Times is named "Mike Nizza." MIKE NIZZA!? I'm dying to meet him just so I can ask repeatedly, "Are you Mike Nizza?...ARE YOU MIKE NIZZA?" He'll probably go, "Fuck yeah I'm Mike Nizza. Writer for the New York Tizzle." This is making me uncomfortable. I think I'll just call him Mike N-word instead.
Bad MySpace ads I love this "Fleetwood Mac Ringtones!!!" ad. Man, they really nailed the Fleetwood Mac demographic with this guy. Actually, he looks more like a Stevie Nicks solo career fan.
No one is more underground than DJ Underground. Produced by Brad Steuernagel and Jay Bois (thanks guys!). Music by Ruby Lament. (That's my music project. You can download our new album for free at that link if ya want. Warning: It's not funny.)
You know the show "The Vagina Monologues"? I heard a girl talking about one of the monologues and it starts out, "My short skirt is not an invitation to rape me."
I totally agree.
But it got me to wondering: If I was going to invite someone to rape me, what would the invitation look like?
Would an Evite be good enough? Or would I make it more formal? After all, this is a life-changing event that I'm inviting someone to...probably needs a classy, sans-serif, italic font.
And I'd prob need my parents to send it too:
"Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Ruby cordially invite you to penetrate their son's asshole. Please tell us if you would prefer chicken or fish with that."
Ack, that's far enough. Disclaimer: This post is not an invitation to rape me.
Sometimes people ask me if Matt Ruby is my real name. Well, I have a confession. It's actually a stage name. My real name is Lance Starpower. Ok, that's not true. It's actually Lance Starpowerstein.
Live set at La Nuit Theater in NOLA on April 3, 2008. Part of New Orleans Comedy and Arts Fest. Crowd was small but we had fun.
Random notes on the set: I threw in a beads reference to my butterfly joke and cracked that I customized the joke for New Orleans. That got an applause break which I found pretty surpising.
"The light" was the dimming of the stage lights which was weird. That's the point where I say that I feel like I'm supposed to get more emotionally intense.
Also, I started with a 9/11 joke and ended with a 9/11 reference too. When I got offstage, the sound guy told me that my entire set lasted 9 minutes and 11 seconds. Weird.
It's spring! Or as we call it in Brooklyn, "lesbians on bicycles" season. You know that old saying: April showers bring May lesbians on bicycles.
It's also Passover soon. I'm a bad Jew though. I celebrate by adding some water to my liquid soap dispenser...because that’s the most Jewish thing I can think of to do.
I have a tough time with religious holidays because of all the silly stuff you're supposed to do. During Passover, you're supposed to hide the afikomen. It's like an Easter egg hunt, but with matzah instead of eggs. And there's no bunny rabbit or other cute animal attached to the process. It'd be neat if there was though. "Who hides the afikomen? Why it's the Passover Panda Bear, of course!" Everyone knows panda bears are super jewy.
The weirdest part of Passover is that you're supposed to put a glass of wine outside your house for the prophet Elijah. I'd like to meet the Jewish alcoholic who convinced everyone to go along with this plan: “Yeah, you all gotta leave wine outside your house. And tomorrow it will miraculously disappear. I don’t know how it happens. Don’t blame me. I’m just Schlomo, the Jewish town drunk...I can't believe this worked...You know what, for Yom Kippur, leave an 8-ball of coke under the welcome mat. It's for Elijah, really. Prophets need some get up and go too, ya know."
My theory: If you have to go to a seminar called "Dealing with Difficult People," then you're the difficult person. If you need to take a seminar in order to deal with the flood of obnoxious people that keep cascading into your life, maybe it's time you look in the mirror.
One of the types of people they single out for being difficult: "The 'Yes' People." Yeah, because who could be more obnoxious than someone who says yes? "Hey Bob, want to help me move on Saturday? Yes? Aw man, why are you being so difficult? I didn't even offer you pizza yet! Read the script next time."
A guy I know told me that when he's making love to a girl, he can't spank her on the ass because it "feels too cliché." Oh, come on dude. Does this guy really think he's such a pioneer in the bedroom? Is he the Magellan of fucking?
The bedroom is one place where you can play the Greatest Hits. You don't have to be original. No one wants an avant garde blowjob. "She took my dick out and just stared at it for 20 minutes...and then Dennis Hopper and a leprechaun started waltzing in the corner. I'm so glad it wasn't just one of those cliché blowjobs I normally get. Those are so predictable."
I think this guy wants to be the Andy Kaufman of sex. Afterwards he wants the girl to say, "I don't even know whether we had sex or not. He climbed into bed and started reading The Great Gatsby to me. And then we wrestled."
If US foreign policy could talk (using outdated movie references):
I'm US foreign policy. I'm Rambo and Rocky Balboa. Driving in a hummer. To pick up Chuck Norris and John Wayne. And we're gonna go to a pool party at Jose Canseco's place and pop some 'roids.
And then we're going to the Cobra Kai dojo. To hang out with John Kreese. And we're gonna finish a couple of handles of Canadian Club and then break some bricks with our heads and chop some wood boards with our cocks.
Why? Because if we don't do it, who will? You Lt. Caffey? You Lt. Weinberg? I don't think so. You need us up on that wall. Otherwise the world is going to be run by people who don't speak English. And you know what people who don't speak English say? Neither do I. And that's just not gonna fly.
You think I'm gonna let those Europussies tell me how many kilometers an hour I can drive? Not on my watch.
You think I'm going to let Mr. Miyagi and his bonzai tree tell me how to spend my tax dollars? Not in my backyard.
Michael Buffer is the announcer who does those "Let's get ready to rumble" introductions at sporting events. He's even trademarked the phrase. At his site, you can join the Michael Buffer "Rumble Team" and report any violations:
The Buffer Partnership now offers a financial reward to those who report a corroborated unauthorized use [resulting in an actual recovery] of the "Let's Get Ready to Rumble", "Get Ready To Rumble" or "Ready to Rumble" servicemarked phrases...
I decided to report a violation to the email address at that page:
Dear Mr. Buffer (or one of his underlings),
Let's get ready to email!
I'm a big fan of your "Let's get ready to rumble" introductions to various sporting events. When I hear your voice, my blood begins to BOIL like water in a teapot that loves boxing.
Recently, I noticed on the "Rumble Rewards" section of your website that you constantly deal with "Let's get ready to rumble" violations reported to you by fans around the world (and you even give these fans a special gift).
Well, I'd like to report a VIOLATION that I have discovered: I saw a commercial for Kraft Cheese Crumbles with the phrase "Let's get ready to crumble!"
Do you see what Kraft is trying to do here? If you take out the c from crumble, well, you see where I'm going with this.
It saddened me to see your catchphrase, which is so melodic yet still barbaric, being used to sell, of all things, cheese. Cheese! "Let's get ready to rumble" is a call to arms for GLADIATORS, not cheese that falls apart (sounds like this is the Buster Douglas of cheese).
In fact, I have my suspicions that Kraft isn't even REAL cheese. I've read that some Kraft products are created in a laboratory. Also, despite their intensity, your words have never clogged my ARTERIES.
Kraft probably thinks they need to use your slogan to "stay in the ring" with Velveeta. But this is not THE WAY to do it. I think it's time you and I team up to give Kraft a TKO. (That stands for "Technical Knockout." Though in this case we may be looking at an LKO, "Legal Knockout." Your lawyers can advise you on that.)
As for the special gift you promise, you don't have to bother. JUSTICE is reward enough for me. As Edmund Burke once said, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." This is a credo that I live by.
That and "Let's get ready to rumble."
However, the economy is tough these days. So I am willing to accept the CASH BONUS you mention at your site. I wish I could pay the rent with justice, but my LANDLORD has repeatedly stated that's a "no go." Please let me know the amount and when I can expect payment ASAP.
Together, we'll get them to throw in the towel! Matt Ruby
P.S. I will also be contacting the band EMF since Kraft is using their song "Crumbelievable" in this commercial. EMF may not hold a candle to JESUS JONES, but they have rights too.
I decided to have some animation fun with my Jerry Orbach bit. Audio from live set at Lincoln Lodge in Chicago a few months back. Listen to the whole set if ya like.
I really like watching shows on VH1: Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant, Scott Baio is 47 and Cancelled...Scott Baio is 48 and Suicidal.
I told that joke the other night and there were two guys from England in the front row. One of them shouted out, "Who's Scott Baio?" I asked them, "Did you ever have Happy Days in England?" They looked at each other and said, "Yeah."
Then I realized that they didn't get I meant Happy Days the tv show. To them, it sounded like I thought they'd never had a single happy day in their lives...because they didn't know who Scott Baio was. "You mean you've never seen Charles in Charge? You must not know the meaning of the word happiness." "All that rain and no Chachi? I'm amazed you even survived."
I'm probably happiest onstage when I riff off something in the moment and it's genuinely funny. You get a whole different energy when you're using the front of your mind (spontaneous) vs. the back (written material).
And people respond to that energy. Especially if you're calling out a truth in the room that hasn't been addressed. When you do that, it's like a big tension reliever for the whole room. People laugh because the bubble's been burst. A few examples:
I'm at a mic last week. The host talks about meeting up with this gay couple he knows who's names are Gordon and Sven. I get onstage and say, "If I wrote a novel with a gay couple in it named Gordon and Sven, my editor would make me change their names. Because those names are too gay to be believable. The only way they could be more gay is if their names were Alejandro and Guy Who Likes Cock in His Ass. By the way, that's the Native American name for gay dudes."
Then I talked about this crazy woman in the crowd. During the show, she sits in the back and keeps talking during the other comics sets. And instead of applauding she yells out the words, "Clap, clap, clap." So I went onstage and say something about it. Then she yells out, "I can't clap, my wrist is broken." Whoops.
But then I realize this excuse doesn't fly. "That is a good reason for not clapping. But that does not explain why, instead of laughing, you keep yelling out the words, 'Laugh, laugh, laugh." (Which she also did.)
Then I said, "Every time you do that it makes me sad: Tear, tear, tear. I would hate to go running with you. You would probably be all saying, 'Sweat, sweat, sweat' the entire time." Only a small crowd but they ate it up and she was silent for my set. I said, "I had to diffuse that bomb early. Phew."
Then, last night at Kabin, I'm doing a set and the host is talking to the crowd and finds out that there's two girls from Harlem and two girls from Denmark in the crowd. First thing I say after being intro'd: "Boy, you guys are in for a treat. Because my comedy is targeted specifically at the Harlem/Denmark demographic. If there was a Venn diagram for it, one circle would be Harlem and one would be Denmark. And the overlap in the middle would say, 'My comedy.'" (Fyi, I love Venn diagram jokes.)
I went into my material after that. But now I think I should have gone further and launched into my "Denmark material": People from Copenhagen talk like this, but people from Stockholm talk like this. And what's the deal with fjords? You can't have a word with an f followed by a j. That's fjust ridiculous.
Near the end of my set, a couple in the corner started making out. I said, "Are you guys making out during my set? That is awesome. I'm not surprised. My comedy is like Barry White's music. It turns people on. You are all totally going to get laid tonight. I have to get off stage soon because otherwise this whole room will turn into an orgy."
My material went over well too, but it's the moments like that which really elevate a set in my mind.
Whenever I get Chinese food, I get General Tso's chicken. I don't know who General Tso was but I bet he wasn't a very good general. Otherwise, he might be more famous for General Tso's battle plans instead of General Tso's chicken.
Great generals usually aren't known for the food they prepared. "You know what they say about Ulysses S. Grant: He makes one hell of a meatloaf! It is to die for. Especially if you are a confederate."
"You haven't lived until you've tasted General Patton's lasagna. It fights the war on two fronts: delicious and filling."
I bet General Tso's enemies made fun of him too: "Oh no, General Tso's army is attacking us...I hope they don't sauté us until we surrender!"
A friend of mine is a doctor going through rotations at the hospital. He recently spent a month doing OB-GYN stuff. His guy friends were excited for this constant exposure to vaginas...what a blast, eh?
Well, it turns out that the parade of vaginas at an inner city hospital gynecology department is not exactly a "greatest hits" collection.
It's kinda like if you're a mechanic. You don't see Lamborghinis all day. You see 1979 Pintos that haven't had the oil changed in two decades. And you open up the hood and there's a rat in the carburetor. And the antifreeze doesn't connect to the fan belt.
Antifreeze connect to the fan belt? That didn't make any sense. I don't know anything about cars. Or maybe it's that I don't know anything about vaginas. Because I can never find the fan belt when I'm having sex. And I always forget how to hook up nipple clamps...is it positive to positve or positive to negative?
I do think a GPS for the g-spot would be a good idea, though. "You are going the wrong way...Turn left in 3 millimeters...You have reached your destination!"
I get a kick out of people who stop liking a band once they get popular: "Oh really, you like the White Stripes? I liked them before they sold out. Yeah, before they signed to a major label. Before they could even play instruments. I liked them before they were born. I got a bootleg of Jack White's ultrasound on a white label 7-inch import, directly from the hospital, and I was like, 'Woah, this kid's got something.' And then he was born and I'm like, wow Jack, being born, that's a mainstream move. Stay true to the womb next time, Jack. I'm not sure how much they paid you to come down the birth canal, but was it really worth your soul? You were a punk fetus. A DIY embryo. Too bad you didn't keep it real."
I'd like to hear a food lover talk this way: "Oh really, you like bread? I liked bread before it went in the oven. Back when it was flour, yeast, and salt...and it was all raw and mushy, that's when I liked bread. And then it had to crossover and rise up in the oven and become delicious and I was like fuck that, man. Bread was way better when it was keeping it real. I liked eating bread back when it was cooked in a toaster oven in a loft in Williamsburg. Now you can get it anywhere...lame."
Screened this at the last Flying Carpet: James Lipton mock interviews Wanda Sykes on "Inside the Actor's Studio." Kudos to Matt Lament for his animation work. Matt and I are also in a band together: Ruby Lament.
"Tortured" artists You know who must hate the phrase "tortured artist"? People who have actually been tortured. "Hey John McCain, you know how you spent six years in a box in Hanoi? I know how that must have felt because I spent six years hosting a bad poetry slam in Berkeley in the late '90s. Yeah, the way you got your fingernails ripped out and your ribs broken, I feel that same kinda pain when there's too many syllables in my Haiku. And you know how you can't lift your arm above your shoulder anymore because it's too painful? I can't even smoke clove cigarettes anymore...it's just too painful emotionally."
Indie rock bands with "Wolf" names Enough with the "wolf" bands: Wolf Parade, Wolfmother, Wolf Eyes, Wolfie, etc. I predict these names for the next batch: Wolfowitz, The Wolf Wolf Wolves, Castle Wolfenstein, And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Wolf Shit.
Supersweaters at the gym I snapped this guy on the stairmaster at my gym. Dude needs to use that towel before the places turns into his own personal sweat reservoir. Look at the steps on the machine...there's actually a waterfall of sweat dripping down the whole thing. Also: The black socks with sneakers look ain't so hot either.
This guy wearing a helmet on the stairmaster He's using the stairmaster and wearing a helmet. With a mask. Did I miss something? Is there a new level on the stairmaster where the machine starts shooting hockey pucks at you? "Gotta be safe, bro." Maybe he's just super clumsy and also puts on shoulder pads when he takes a shit.
People who write witty Evite replies When did the Evite reply area become the open mic of the invitation world? "Ooh, it's my big stage...Finally, I get to shine!" No, it's an RSVP to a party...just chill. No more lame "The charges were dropped, i'll be there!" Or "Cinco de Mayo party...yo quiero tequila!" Yo quiero for you to not show up. Also not funny: your outgoing voicemail and wacky holiday ties.
This "Spring Awakening" billboard The quote on this poster says, “Broadway may never be the same.” That isn't necessarily good. You could say the same thing if Broadway was the location of a terrorist attack. Imagine you ask me to housesit. When you came back, you probably wouldn't be happy if I said, "Your bathroom may never be the same."
Menus above urinals This place has its menu above the urinal and it's got fancy sounding items like "Brioche French Toast" on it. Like I'm gonna think the place is all swanky now. "Honey, let's get brunch at that fancy restaurant. You know, the one with the menu above the urinal!" They should put the drink menu on the toilet paper too.
Pervert vigilantes The head of the group that finds the "To Catch a Predator" guys is a weirdo too. In an interview, he said he spends "seven days a week, mostly from a laptop in his bedroom" pretending to be an underage girl in chat rooms. Gee, thanks for getting all the creeps off the street...grown man who's not a cop yet spends two-thirds of his life pretending to be a 13-year-old girl named Tiffany who's really into horses, Hannah Montana, and anal. Nothing strange about that! (Note: He's also got that weird thin-beard thing going on.)
Anyone who picks out ridiculous items for their wedding registry "It's things that we *need* to build our life together." Bullshit. 2/3rds of most registries I've seen are items that these people don't need and won't use. Really, you need Samoan serving plates, a platinum couture butter tray, and a set of Martha Stewart Nonskid Mixing Bowls? Because your bowls are normally sliding all over the place, right? "Please Martha, stick some Firestones on the bottom of these bowls so they stop flying out the window every time I dip my spoon in my Cheerios."
This "Mob Candy" magazine cover I'm walking down 1st Avenue and I see this poster promoting Mob Candy magazine. Then I'm like wait a minute, there's something weird about this Krista Ayne chick that's on the cover. She looks familiar. Oh no...The eyebrows, those lips, that thing resembling a nose...She's totally Michael Jackson! Click here to see what I mean.
Wedding registries are annoying. God forbid I buy you something heartfelt or sincere when you can offer me up a checklist of ridiculously stupid things that you'll never use. "Here's the Samoan Salad Bowls you registered for. Sure, of course, you need the entire 28-piece set. Really, how else would you celebrate your nonexistent love of Samoan culture?"
Couples argue, "It's things that we need to build our life together." Bullshit. These aren't items that people need. These are items that people fantasize about needing. Really, you "need" a set of Martha Stewart Nonskid Mixing Bowls? Yeah, I bet your bowls are just sliding all over the place now. "Please Martha, slap some Firestones on the bottom of these bowls so they stop flying out the window every time I stir my oatmeal."
The marrying couples that I know are usually guys that I went to college with. And it's usually a guy who, in four years of college, ate nothing but ramen, Kraft macaroni and cheese, and his own vomit. But now he totally needs a Mikasa Couture Platinum Butter Tray. God forbid his butter sleeps inside stainless steel. Heavens no!
One friend of mine -- a complete stoner who never cooks anything -- got engaged and then registered for a fondue set.
Oh sure, man, I'd love to buy you a fondue set. 'Cuz if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you do love to fondue! I remember those good ol' days when we use to sit around the fondue pot, our skewers filled with youthful idealism...and we'd pull up our splatter guards...and dip those dream-filled skewers into a bubbling tub of chocolate or cheese or whatever the fuck you fill a fondue pot with.
Yup, those were the days. That's why I'd love to help you continue your fondue-ing ways by purchasing you this item which you are certain to get extensive use out of...probably every day. Do do that fondue that you do so well.
One thing I know for sure is this fondue set will most certainly not just sit at the bottom of a closet, completely unused, for years, until you sell it on eBay once you file for divorce.
Fuck Crate and Barrel, when I get married, I'm gonna register at the Ball and Chain Store. I can't wait to be on the receiving end of a monogrammed cannonball that I can attach to my ankle. I better make sure it's a Martha Stewart non-skid cannonball though.
The guys busted on "To Catch a Predator" are obviously super creepy. But the head of the group that chases these guys (photo) is a weirdo too.
In a recent interview, he admitted that he spends "seven days a week, mostly from a laptop in his bedroom" pretending to be an underage girl in chat rooms. Yeah, uh, thanks so much for defending us against creepy guys...grown man who's not a cop yet spends two-thirds of his life pretending to be a 13-year-old girl named Tiffany who's really into horses, Hannah Montana, and anal. That's totally normal. (Note: He's also got that weird thin-beard thing going on.)
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TravelZoo's ad campaign
RedEnvelope catalog
Cute animals on the internet
Guys who complain that there were no chicks at Comic Con
"Dealing with Difficult People" seminar
Ridiculous fitness trends
Silly toilet reading material
Tourists who return home acting like natives of where they went
Ridiculously named reporters
Bad MySpace ads
Michael Buffer is the announcer who does those "Let's get ready to rumble" introductions at sporting events. He's even trademarked the phrase. At his site, you can join 
"It's things that we *need* to build our life together." Bullshit. 2/3rds of most registries I've seen are items that these people don't need and won't use. Really, you need Samoan serving plates, a platinum couture butter tray, and a set of Martha Stewart Nonskid Mixing Bowls? Because your bowls are normally sliding all over the place, right? "Please Martha, stick some Firestones on the bottom of these bowls so they stop flying out the window every time I dip my spoon in my Cheerios."
