Hey. I’m Matt Ruby (matt@mruby.com) and this is Sandpaper Suit, my comedy blog. About me: I'm a standup comic in NYC. You may have seen me telling jokes on MTV, in Time Out NY, or at comedy venues around the country. Mark Normand and I cohost "We're All Friends Here," the comedy chat show with boundary issues (also available as a podcast). For a list of upcoming gigs, check my MySpace page. What's here: At this blog, I post 1) funny stuff — jokes, videos, etc. and 2) not funny stuff about the art of standup. For more funny videos, check out my top videos playlist at YouTube. More:Mruby.com tells you everything else about Matt Ruby that you ever wanted to know but were afraid to ask.
I hate it when people try to be funny in their Evite replies. When did this become the open mic of the invitation world? "Ooh, it's my big stage...Finally, I get to shine!" No, it's a fucking RSVP to a dipshit party...just chill.
But people can't resist: "The charges were dropped, i'll be there!" Oh, I get it. It's like you were going to be tried for a crime. But now they're not going to prosecute you anymore. So let's party. Funny stuff, man.
"Cinco de Mayo party...yo quiero tequila!" Thanks for pulling out the dated commercial tagline! What's next, a Spuds McKenzie reference? Yo quiero for you to not show up.
Even worse are people who feel like they have to reply with their whole life story. "I'm going to be coming back from Connecticut on Monday with the family, but I will hopefully be back in time to stop by. Trust me, if I can get away from the in-laws, I will! Last time we were there..."
Aaaaackh, just stop. No wants to read "War and Peace" here. It's a simple question being asked here: "Do I need to buy more beer or not?"
I used to smoke weed with my mom. Just to be clear, I was a grown adult at the time. It's not like I was a toddler and she went, "He’s not eating his peas. You know what he needs? The munchies. Pass him the bong!" Though that probably would've been a pretty fun childhood.
She got it legally too: Medical marijuana because she lived in California and had MS (she was paralyzed and it helped her deal with muscle pain). She lived out in Humboldt County, where they have some crazy good weed. I call it Hannukah weed: One hit and you're lit up for eight days.
So while the chronic illness was very bad, the ill cronic was very good. I'd go out there and she'd have me pack bongs until I was out of my head. That's when I learned a valuable lesson: Never try to outsmoke a paralyzed person. They are going to win. Every time. What's going to happen...Is she going to smoke so much weed that she can get up off the couch? Unlikely.
Trying to outsmoke a paralyzed person is like trying to go shot for shot with the ocean. You: "Come on ocean, I can drink Jaeger all night long!" The ocean: "Bring it on. I'm an immense body of water. Trillions of gallons. I'm not worried. Plus, I'm not even human so I can't get drunk."
And here's another piece of advice on smoking with someone who's paralyzed: No matter how good the weed is, don't call it "The Crippler." That's just bad form.
I think if you’re in a wheelchair, you should be allowed to take whatever drug you want. You’re not driving anywhere. You're not gonna join a wheelchair gang (though that would give new meaning to Bloods vs. Crips: "The Hemophiliacs are battling the Parapalegics again!").
Bottom line: A person who has to wear a seatbelt their entire lives should be allowed to move about the cabin of their mind freely.
Guys who wear a lot of keys on their belts are telling the world, "I'm really good at opening doors and really bad at opening bras."
I'm determined to win the oscar for Best Actor. I'm waiting for the perfect role though: A blind, gay, retarded cripple who has AIDS. During the holocaust. Can you say shoe-in?
Fake crying is called crocodile tears. This must make things tough for emotional crocodiles. "Don't even act like you're really sad that gazelle got away, Carl." How can you even tell if a crocodile is crying anyway? They live in water.
I like to write jokes that are offensive on multiple levels. Example: Why do Jewish women have such big tits? Because that's where they store all their complaints. Check and mate.
Little known fact: Everytime a firefly lights up, he's receiving a text message. Sample: "Chilling by flowers. Where r u?"
You can sum up all of American politics this way: Democrats want their mommy. And Republicans want their daddy. And right now, it's like Mommy's been on vacation and Daddy's been in charge of the house and while it was fun for a while the laundry is piling up, we're all sick of eating fast food every night, and there's a really incompetent Attorney General staying with us.
I like this argument against gays: "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Oh, I didn't know you were bringing hard science into this! This argument is pretty much the same as saying, "Being gay is unnatural because the unicorns and the dragons told me that's true! And the abominable snowman said to be pro-life, so I'm pro-life. And the Loch Ness Monster told me we shouldn't appoint activist judges to the Supreme Court either."
The best line from ZZ Top's "Legs": "She's got legs...and she knows how to use them." As opposed to "She's got legs, but she's a parapalegic"!? Is knowing how to use your legs that impressive? Pretty low standards guys. Line they almost went with: "She's got a pulse and her blood is still pumping."
I know why you're not laughing at any of these. It's because you hate freedom.
Some people call Napa Valley "wine country." I like to call it "drunk driving country."
Ms. Hawaiian Tropic 2007 is actually two contests in one: The winner is also Ms. Skin Cancer 2030.
When life gives you lemons, ask to speak to the manager.
I'm outsourcing all my masturbation. I have this guy named Raj who lives in India do it for me. But when he does it, he tells me his name is Karen.
I have a friend who keeps bitching about his outstanding warrant. I think he should shut up. After all, his warrant is outstanding.
Backhanded compliments suck. Unless you are playing tennis. Then they're perfect. "That was a pretty good shot...y'know, for a backhand." Or "You serve really hard, for a girl!"
The biggest fear for any guy about to shave off all his hair for the first time: That his head is shaped like Sam Cassell's.
People who use the term "African-American" are racist. Because that's the clearest way to show that you never actually hang out with black people. Let me know next time you hear a black person say, "What up African-American?"
I don't get pine tree cleaning products. A pine forest isn't clean. Nowhere is dirtier than a forest. "Wow, your kitchen must be clean since it smells just like a place that is covered in dirt! And is that cesspool scented dishwasher detergent you using? I love that smell."
A friend of mine says he's a total Nazi about grammar. That's odd, cuz you know what I'm a total Nazi about? Killing jews. I'm a total Hitler that way.
Everyone in NYC is so obsessed with themselves. All they want to talk about is themselves. It's tough for me to talk with people like that because I know I'm so much more interesting than they are. Don't they realize we should be talking about my life!? How can these people not realize that? Silly.
People who've lived in NYC their whole lives are the craziest. They're always nostalgic for a time when the city was a complete hellhole. "Sure, there were homeless people everywhere, junkies in the park, and whores in Times Square, but the city had a real energy back then!" Um, energy is overrated. 'Cuz you know where has a real energy right now? Darfur. The place is hopping. If you love energy so much, go there. Fuck Virginia, Darfur is for lovers.
I used to live in the East Village (aka hipster central). Hipsters always wear the same shit. Because, you know, the best way to express that you're a creative, individual thinker is by dressing exactly like everyone around you. My favorite hipster accessory: the leather wristband. Because you know, these 112 lb. guys are fucking gladiators. Vegan warriors. No one messes with the Fine Arts Program at Bard College, NO ONE! They'll slice you with their asymmetrical haircuts, crush you with PBR cans, and then use your blood to make street art.
Dating tip: If you're single, never go on the show Blind Date. They only set up people who have ZERO chance of liking each other:
[Announcer:] "Let's meet our daters. Tiffany is a 23-year old aerobics instructor who loves hanging out at the beach. She's looking for an athletic stud who likes to do body shots. And here's her date...Schlomo is a 68-year old Rabbi from Riverdale whose interests include studying the Torah and philosophical debates about Nietschze. Therapist Joe says they're an unlikely couple."
I love Mel Gibson and these other people who go into rehab because alcohol is the cause of their anti-semitism, pedophilia, or whatever. Sorry guys, alcohol doesn't make you do random things, it makes you do what you actually want to do. No one ever gets really shitfaced and then does something altruistic. You never hear, "Dude, I did 14 shots of Jack last night and then I went and volunteered at a soup kitchen." No one says, "We're gonna kill this keg and then we're gonna Teach for fucking America!"
And I think people who need drinking games are pussies. Beer pong? Fuck you. I have a fun drinking game: It's called Beer. You take a drink each time you get thirsty. Easy!
Show some respect for booze. Other drugs don't need games. There's no Heroin Sudoku. No one's playing Crossword Puzzle Crack. "I need 23 across...NOW!"
The other night I saw a commercial for Sam Adams where the owner of the company brags that his whole staff, including the legal team, are "beer geeks." I think that's a great euphemism for alcoholic. Also, Sam Adams sounds like a great company to sue.
Oddly enough, moving in with my girlfriend has turned me gay.
First step: Bedding. Chicks dig sheets, pillows, and thread count. I used to be fine with just two pillows. Now that I moved in with my gf, guess how many pillows there are on my bed. 4? No. 6? Nope. 97. There are 97 pillows on my bed. I have to sleep on the floor in order to make room for all the pillows on the bed. My pillows have pillows. "Nah, pillow. You've had a hard day. Kick back, yo."
I also have to buy a "loveseat." I'm convinced shopping for a loveseat is the gayest thing you can do. I'd rather just buy two gay men who are fucking to sit on. "Ricky, Raoul, keep it steady. I'm trying to watch The Daily Show."
You could be listening to the Pet Shop Boys while watching Grey's Anatomy and it wouldn't be as gay as shopping for a loveseat. Actually, you could be listening to the Pet Shop Boys while watching Grey's Anatomy and anally penetrating another man and it wouldn't be as gay as shopping for a loveseat.
To top it off, my girl's dad is this supercarpenter dude who came in and built all this shelving for our place. He brings in his table saw and a nail gun and something called a pancake compressor and starts building shit. I know how this works...I watch Extreme Home Makeover...So I pull out a megaphone and start yelling at him "Move that Bus!" Then I start crying.
See, I'm Jewish. We don't do carpentry. We gave that stuff up after Jesus. (It didn't work out so well for him, y'know?) While her dad's building all this stuff, the only thing I can think to say, "Is there anything I can sue? My people are good at that."
The church is the only place that can get away with institutionalized rape. (Well, the church and prison.) Can you imagine if thousands of 12-year old boys were getting raped at Kinko's? Kinko's would be shut the fuck down! No one would accept the excuses the church uses: "Oh that was Charlie, the night manager. We transferred him to the uptown branch so there's no problem, really. Stay quiet about it and we'll give you two years of unlimited free copies."
Dead Law and Order star Jerry Orbach appears in a NYC subway ad that says "his greatest role was that of an eye donor."
Sorry Jerry. Detective Lennie Briscoe? Mediocre. Dr. Jake Houseman in Dirty Dancing? Meh. Giving away your eyes? Your career-defining performance.
This all brings up some questions though: Is there really a huge eye shortage out there? Am I missing this army of people walking around with eye patches on?
And does this mean there might be some girl walking around NYC who has Jerry Orbach's eyes? The idea of making love to a woman while gazing longingly into Jerry Orbach's eyes is strangely arousing. Come on, I know you feel it too.
Most curious of all: In an interview with the Daily News, his widow said she "cannot remember a day that went by where [Jerry] didn't say, 'I want to donate my eyes.''
Every day!? Damn. I'm gonna go out on a limb here: Jerry Orbach was NOT a fun guy to hang out with: "Hey Jerry, want to go get a burrito?...Aw man, no, I do not want to hear about your eye donation AGAIN!"
Is there any way that talking every day about donating your eyes is acceptable social behavior? Maybe the grandkids dug it. "Hey, Grandpa Jerry, tell us how they're going to rip the eyes out of your body and sew them into someone else's sockets again. That's our favorite bedtime story!"
How many lame segueways did he have to get into talking about his eyes? "This song sounds good. You know what else sounds good? Donating my eyes after I die."..."Jelly donut? Oh, I thought you said shall we donate our eyes after we die? To which my answer is definitely yes."..."Nobody puts baby in a corner? Well, nobody puts my eyes in a casket, nobody."
That's a Dirty Dancing reference. Don't act like you didn't get it, tough guy. Also featured in Dirty Dancing: "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen. Replace with the following lyrics and sing along!
Orbach eyes I've been meaning to tell you I've got this feelin that wont subside I look at you and I fantasize You are mine tonight Now I've got you in my sights
With those Orbach eyes One look at you and you cant disguise You've got Orbach eyes I feel the magic between you and I
I want to hold you so hear me out I want to show you what loves all about Darlin tonight Now I've got you in my sights
With those Orbach eyes One look at you and you cant disguise You've got Orbach eyes I feel the magic between you and I And You've got Orbach eyes Now I've got you in my sights With those Orbach eyes Now did I take you by surprise
I need you to see This love was meant to be
You've got Orbach eyes One look at you and you cant disguise You've got Orbach eyes I feel the magic between you and I You've got Orbach eyes Now I've got you in my sights With those Orbach eyes Oh you took me by surprise With those Orbach eyes
Investigate: I can't get enough of serious investigative journalism. That's why I so enjoy "Kickin' it with Byron Allen."
Political: I'm usually not a fan of music with a political message but I think that last Shakira record is great.
Wristbands: Cool hipster guys often wear leather wristbands. You know, 'cuz they're fucking gladiators. No one messes with the vegan alumni of Bard College's Fine Arts program...NO ONE.
Bahamavention: I'm pretty sure a friend of mine needs a Bahamavention. He's addicted to the Bahamas. If he doesn't limbo for more than 12 hours, he starts shaking uncontrollably. And he won't stop braiding his hair either.
Geography: One thing I've noticed from watching "Bad Boys of Comedy" is that a lot of black comics are bad at geography. They often come out and shout to the crowd, "Brooklyn, where you at?" Dude, the show is being taped in Brooklyn! How can you not know where Brooklyn is at when you are in Brooklyn? MapQuest that shit, yo.
Drop: I was just talking with my good buddy Ethan Hawke about how much we hate people who name drop.
Legally blind: Some people are legally blind. Does that mean other people are illegally blind? "Hey, arrest that motherfucker...he is blind without permission!" Luckily for the cops, it'd be easy to chase this particular set of criminals down.
VS: Victoria's Secret should open up a branch in Iran. It could sell the MiracleBirka ("makes you look 30% more virtuous than you actually are.") And the WonderVeil ("your eyes will look twice as forlorn!")
Tofurkey: I consider Tofurkey and Fake'n the tribute bands of the food world. "Rocking with nearly as much flavor as real beef: Not Dogs!"
Reality: Someone should make a reality tv show about a bunch of washed up reality tv show producers forced to live together.
Monkeys: Is a barrel of monkeys really that fun? Not for the monkeys, I bet. And what kind of asshole gets off watching monkeys squirm in a barrel anyway? "Ooh, animals stuffed into a small container! Bring out the mug full of squirrels next!"
Zen: I like to write Zen proverbs for depressed people. "What's the sound of one man napping?" "Every single journey begins with the longest step." "If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, it just goes to show life is meaningless and we're all going to die eventually...sad and alone."
Lightbulb! Maybe there's a market for other racist snack foods. "Ooh, a bag of Onion Spics!" "Halloween = time to stock up on Candy Coon."
I have a pool shaped kidney. (It's an above-ground kidney.) The doctors are worried because it's full of chlorine...and vicodin.
Sometimes when people move they ask you to help and offer you pizza in exchange. This is not an equitable trade. If I am going to carry a couch up four flights of stairs, I need more compensation than cheese and tomatoes.
"Paint my house and I'll give you a cracker." "I don't think so!" "Scrub the floors for a lollipop?"
People who are lactose intolerant piss me off because I hate intolerance in any form. These people are prejudiced against dairy products and I won't stand for it. First they came for the cheese, then they came for the Jews.
Hating intolerance is not a very tolerant thing to do.
Isn't this group of people different than that group of people? 'Cuz this group of people likes those things while that group of people likes these things. But can you imagine what it would be like if that group of people liked those things instead of these things? It would be totally incongruous!
Some rough drafts for jokes I had with Daniela's comments on 'em in italics.
Slutty girls pretend they're inexperienced. They always tell the same lie: "I never do this sort of thing." Meanwhile she's pulling out the nipple clamps, handcuffs, and the Jaws of Life. Er, something's suspicious here.
(the setup should be: slutty girls pretend they are inexperienced. That's good. "I never do this sort of thing" Is good but the examples aren't yet funny- ie rick had the same setup and would say I never this sort of thing and stick the whole mic in his mouth or I have the same setup I say I never do this sort of thing and I had and last week I was tested. You need a punch after the I never do this sort of thing... I really like you just saying I don't need to feel special I need the job done right-
Slutty girls are good for society. They keep pussy in circulation. Without them, there would be a pussy drought. And a pussy drought is bad news for *everyone*...just look at the Middle East. If there were more slutty girls there, guys wouldn't be blowing themselves up to get to those 72 virgins in heaven.
Cut it down! Say: Easy women are the best. A pussy drought would be bad for everyone. The middle east stuff has been done with the 72 virgins- think of a new punch. You could say look at the middle east its terrible. We shouldn't be at war we should exchange oil for our whores 10 barrels for every girl on elimidate. Or something else that is a real problem about slutty girls not being around.
The internet has made male fantasies so specific. Guys used to say, "I like Asian chicks." Now a guy likes barely legal Asian midget cheerleader gangbangs. Meanwhile, his buddy only gets off on *amateur* barely legal Asian midget cheerleader gangbangs. 'Cuz the pro Asian midget cheerleaders just aren't believable. Weddings are like porn for women. Girls don't care about Playgirl, they get off on Modern Bride. It's not "Look at that wang!"...It's "Look at that Vera Wang!"
There are a few different subjects going on in this joke only every have one subject before there is a punchline. The setup is-Say: The internet is making things complicated guys used to say I like asian chicks now they say I like barely legal midget cheerleaders who only do gangbangs. The following stuff about the other guy who likes weird porn too is complicated. You need a punch like "I cant keep up I just like asian chicks" The wedding stuff is a separate joke: Women don't seem to like porn- they don't seem to get off on playgirl the masturbate to modern bride. Look it's a vera wang- im cumming.
Weddings make girls crazy. What other explanation is there for how much wedding crap costs? $2,000 for a fucking *cake*!? I wouldn't pay $2k for a cake if it had one layer of crack, one layer of ecstasy, and frosting made out of Angelina Jolie's pussy juice.
Weddings are stupid. 2000 for a cake I wouldn't pay 2000 for a cake unless the frosting was made out of Angelina jolies pussy juice.
Women have this whole thing with showing off the size of their engagement rings. The subliminal message: It shows what a good provider their mate is. "You got engaged? Let me see the ring!" Men can't do this though. You'll never hear a guy say, "Dude, you got engaged!? Let me see a picture of her tits!"
Women show off their engagement rings. Yuck! Just once I wanna hear a guy say to another guy you got engaged show me the picture of her tits.
Dr. Phil's lost it. He's always spouting those weird Texas phrases but I think he's just making them up. Like: "When you're an armadillo, sometimes it's hard to see the rodeo through the trees." "There's no sense blowing on a tumbleweed if you got a pair of pliers in yer saddle." What the fuck are you talking about Dr. Phil?
The only way to handle this is to say- I feel boring I just wanna go around talking like Dr phil especially on dates with airhead girls. Girl "so these shoes are prada" you "when youre and armadillo it's hard to see the rodeo through the trees" Girl "no I said prada" "Theres no sense blowing on a tumbleweed if you got a pair of pliers" girl "what?" you " I meant blow me."
Dr. Phil also has a weight loss book out. How can a fat man write a book about weight loss? I'm going to put it on my bookshelf right next to "Flava Flav's Guide to Finding Your Soul Mate."
I'm in a really unhealthy relationship. I've got polio and she's got smallpox. It's sick.
I caught a butterfly the other day. Crazy thing is it had a tattoo on it's lower back. It was a picture of a teenage girl.
A friend of mine got a Chinese character tattoo. I asked him what the symbol means. He said, "It's Chinese for 'unoriginal tattoo.'"
Life is like a movie. One that was inspired by a true story.
I want to know where Dr. Pepper went to medical school. 'Cuz he is putting his name on some unhealthy shit.
I admire the optimism of unemployed people who say they're "in between jobs." I'm not optimistic about work, but I am optimistic about sex. So I like to say "I'm in between blow jobs." That might be why I don't get hired.
Joke of mine: "You always see convenience stores. But I just opened up an inconvenience store. It's only open on Sundays between 5-6 AM. And everything's always out of stock."
Got some laughs with it but never *loved* it loved it.
Today Brian writes, "...you can't do the inconvenience store joke anymore. I was just watching Rob Schneider on Young Comedian's special from 1989 and he does it on there. Says he opened an inconvenience store, they won't give you change, they don't have shelves, etc... thought you'd want to know. at least it's a pro joke you thought of. even if shneider became a hack."
My response: "So I'm like a young Rob Schneider, eh? Scaaaary. ; ) I better start preparing to audition for "Deuce Bigalow 3: The Deuce is Loose."
Anyhow, like Rob Schneider, that joke is now dead to me.
I see that Matt referenced this weird bit of mine that he called the neil diamond joke. Which is better called the death joke so as not to ruin the punchline. That said, punchline already ruined, here is the bit.
I freaked myself out the other night. I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't get the image of death out of my head. I just kept thinking of death. And then the phone rang, and I was scared to pick it up. I thought, what if it's him, death, on the phone. Would I answer and say, 'hey, I was just thinking about you,' and would he say, 'see, I told you we should hook up with each other...' and I really almost lost it, but then I realized, hey, that's not the image of death in my head, it's Neil Diamond, I just get them confused sometimes.
Hey, this is Brian Koppelman. Matt and I met in a comedy class. We were among the small group of folks in the class who could be considered, by some, to be clinically sane. And we have been performing on a bunch of the same shows around the city. I guess some combination of those things led Matt to invite me to come post here. The below is a bit I wrote this morning, that I am going to perform this afternoon. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm a hollywood screenwriter but I live in new york. People ask me why. I say it's so I can keep it real, grounded. So that I can have non-hollywood friends, you know regular guys, working guys. But it gets tricky, because each world has different customs. See, half the people, the Hollywood people, you kiss hello, the other half, the regular guys, you give a hearty handshake. Now, if I just offer a hand to some hollywood guy who expects a kiss by accident, he's gonna think he offended me somehow. But if I try to kiss one of the regular guys, he's gonna give me a bloody nose. If the hollywood folks see I have a bloody nose they're gonna organize an intervention, try and throw me in rehab for cocaine addiction. If one of the new york guys sees I have a bloody nose, he's gonna ask me who the fuck did it and tell me we need to go take a bite out of that guy's ass. If I then tell one of the Hollywood folks I just took a bite out of some guy's ass...he's gonna invite me to twice as many parties. If I tell a new yorker I was at a party with a bunch of assbiters, he's gonna punch me in the nose...and we'd have to start the whole thing all over again.
I think it's weird that there's a basketball team called the Utah Jazz because there's nowhere you're less likely to hear jazz music than in Utah. They should be forced to play teams with equally inappropriate nicknames, like the Missipi Tolerance. Or the West Virginia Intellectuals.
What the fuck is nougut? Does it exist anywhere other than candy bars? Can you go to a restaurant and get a steak with a side of nougot? (And how the fuck do you spell nougit? Hopefully one of those ways was right.)
Bands are always putting up stickers in bathrooms. I'm too lazy to do all that stickering though. So I named my band "Employees Must Wash Hands." My side project is called "Gentlemen."
Did you know that Eskimos have over 50 ways to say, "Fuck, I wish I lived somewhere warmer."
Before you take a trip there's always that one guy who says, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." The weird thing is it's always the biggest fuckwad you know. "Dude, I've seen you go rock climbing on acid with midget hookers." If I limited myself to things he wouldn't do, there would be nothing left.
Permalink | 2/22/2008 
