Commando

I wonder what actual commandos say when they're not wearing any underwear. Perhaps: "I'm going commando. And I'm not wearing any underwear."

Labels: ha, shorties

Permalink | 7/19/2008

Gin and tonic

The other day I was watching Seinfeld and drinking a gin and tonic. Gin and tonic are good when they're together but they both really suck on their own. The same is true for Jason Alexander and Michael Richards.

Labels: ha, shorties

Permalink | 7/18/2008

The Beckhams

David and Victoria Beckham named their child Brooklyn because that is where they sold their souls to the devil.

Labels: ha, shorties

Permalink | 9/30/2007

10 things: Crocodile tears, fireflies, ZZ Top, etc.

You know who's funny? Foreigners.

Guys who wear a lot of keys on their belts are telling the world, "I'm really good at opening doors and really bad at opening bras."

I'm determined to win the oscar for Best Actor. I'm waiting for the perfect role though: A blind, gay, retarded cripple who has AIDS. During the holocaust. Can you say shoe-in?

Fake crying is called crocodile tears. This must make things tough for emotional crocodiles. "Don't even act like you're really sad that gazelle got away, Carl." How can you even tell if a crocodile is crying anyway? They live in water.

I like to write jokes that are offensive on multiple levels. Example: Why do Jewish women have such big tits? Because that's where they store all their complaints. Check and mate.

Little known fact: Everytime a firefly lights up, he's receiving a text message. Sample: "Chilling by flowers. Where r u?"

You can sum up all of American politics this way: Democrats want their mommy. And Republicans want their daddy. And right now, it's like Mommy's been on vacation and Daddy's been in charge of the house and while it was fun for a while the laundry is piling up, we're all sick of eating fast food every night, and there's a really incompetent Attorney General staying with us.

I like this argument against gays: "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Oh, I didn't know you were bringing hard science into this! This argument is pretty much the same as saying, "Being gay is unnatural because the unicorns and the dragons told me that's true! And the abominable snowman said to be pro-life, so I'm pro-life. And the Loch Ness Monster told me we shouldn't appoint activist judges to the Supreme Court either."

The best line from ZZ Top's "Legs": "She's got legs...and she knows how to use them." As opposed to "She's got legs, but she's a parapalegic"!? Is knowing how to use your legs that impressive? Pretty low standards guys. Line they almost went with: "She's got a pulse and her blood is still pumping."

I know why you're not laughing at any of these. It's because you hate freedom.

Labels: 10 things, ha, jokes, shorties

Permalink | 8/06/2007

10 things: Napa Valley, Ms. Hawaiian Tropic, pine trees, etc.

Some people call Napa Valley "wine country." I like to call it "drunk driving country."

Ms. Hawaiian Tropic 2007 is actually two contests in one: The winner is also Ms. Skin Cancer 2030.

When life gives you lemons, ask to speak to the manager.

I'm outsourcing all my masturbation. I have this guy named Raj who lives in India do it for me. But when he does it, he tells me his name is Karen.

I have a friend who keeps bitching about his outstanding warrant. I think he should shut up. After all, his warrant is outstanding.

Backhanded compliments suck. Unless you are playing tennis. Then they're perfect. "That was a pretty good shot...y'know, for a backhand." Or "You serve really hard, for a girl!"

The biggest fear for any guy about to shave off all his hair for the first time: That his head is shaped like Sam Cassell's.

People who use the term "African-American" are racist. Because that's the clearest way to show that you never actually hang out with black people. Let me know next time you hear a black person say, "What up African-American?"

I don't get pine tree cleaning products. A pine forest isn't clean. Nowhere is dirtier than a forest. "Wow, your kitchen must be clean since it smells just like a place that is covered in dirt! And is that cesspool scented dishwasher detergent you using? I love that smell."

A friend of mine says he's a total Nazi about grammar. That's odd, cuz you know what I'm a total Nazi about? Killing jews. I'm a total Hitler that way.

Labels: 10 things, ha, jokes, shorties

Permalink | 7/11/2007

10 things: Brooklyn, where you at?

Investigate: I can't get enough of serious investigative journalism. That's why I so enjoy "Kickin' it with Byron Allen."

Political: I'm usually not a fan of music with a political message but I think that last Shakira record is great.

Wristbands: Cool hipster guys often wear leather wristbands. You know, 'cuz they're fucking gladiators. No one messes with the vegan alumni of Bard College's Fine Arts program...NO ONE.

Bahamavention: I'm pretty sure a friend of mine needs a Bahamavention. He's addicted to the Bahamas. If he doesn't limbo for more than 12 hours, he starts shaking uncontrollably. And he won't stop braiding his hair either.

Geography: One thing I've noticed from watching "Bad Boys of Comedy" is that a lot of black comics are bad at geography. They often come out and shout to the crowd, "Brooklyn, where you at?" Dude, the show is being taped in Brooklyn! How can you not know where Brooklyn is at when you are in Brooklyn? MapQuest that shit, yo.

Drop: I was just talking with my good buddy Ethan Hawke about how much we hate people who name drop.

Legally blind: Some people are legally blind. Does that mean other people are illegally blind? "Hey, arrest that motherfucker...he is blind without permission!" Luckily for the cops, it'd be easy to chase this particular set of criminals down.

VS: Victoria's Secret should open up a branch in Iran. It could sell the MiracleBirka ("makes you look 30% more virtuous than you actually are.") And the WonderVeil ("your eyes will look twice as forlorn!")

Tofurkey: I consider Tofurkey and Fake'n the tribute bands of the food world. "Rocking with nearly as much flavor as real beef: Not Dogs!"

Reality: Someone should make a reality tv show about a bunch of washed up reality tv show producers forced to live together.

Monkeys: Is a barrel of monkeys really that fun? Not for the monkeys, I bet. And what kind of asshole gets off watching monkeys squirm in a barrel anyway? "Ooh, animals stuffed into a small container! Bring out the mug full of squirrels next!"

Zen: I like to write Zen proverbs for depressed people. "What's the sound of one man napping?" "Every single journey begins with the longest step." "If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, it just goes to show life is meaningless and we're all going to die eventually...sad and alone."

Labels: 10 things, ha, jokes, shorties

Permalink | 6/01/2007

10 things: Utah Jazz?

I think it's weird that there's a basketball team called the Utah Jazz because there's nowhere you're less likely to hear jazz music than in Utah. They should be forced to play teams with equally inappropriate nicknames, like the Missipi Tolerance. Or the West Virginia Intellectuals.

What the fuck is nougut? Does it exist anywhere other than candy bars? Can you go to a restaurant and get a steak with a side of nougot? (And how the fuck do you spell nougit? Hopefully one of those ways was right.)

Bands are always putting up stickers in bathrooms. I'm too lazy to do all that stickering though. So I named my band "Employees Must Wash Hands." My side project is called "Gentlemen."

Did you know that Eskimos have over 50 ways to say, "Fuck, I wish I lived somewhere warmer."

Before you take a trip there's always that one guy who says, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." The weird thing is it's always the biggest fuckwad you know. "Dude, I've seen you go rock climbing on acid with midget hookers." If I limited myself to things he wouldn't do, there would be nothing left.

Labels: 10 things, ha, jokes, shorties

Permalink | 12/27/2006