Showing posts with label material. Show all posts
Showing posts with label material. Show all posts
10/4/17
What Tom Petty Taught Me About Songwriting and Life
What Tom Petty Taught Me About Songwriting and Life: He wrote gospel songs about defiance, love, and life as an outcast. I loved him. Here's why.
9/16/17
7/20/17
5/15/17
Video: The truth about catcalling, race, and that creepy dude in your office
Hey, Beautiful! Springtime is here which means it's street harassment season. I explore the different ways dudes harass ladies in this brand new animated clip from my new album HOT FLASHES (download/stream here).
Please share if you dig it! Also, it's great for sending to that creepy dude in your office.
Animation by Joe Karg and he did a swell job – love the Alien bit at the end especially.
Also: Can I get a smile?
4/26/17
My Q&A with The Comic's Comic
MEET ME IN NEW YORK: MATT RUBY (The Comic's Comic)
When and where was the first time you performed comedy?
When I was a little kid, my family flew somewhere and I went to the bathroom and took a dump but couldn’t reach the toilet paper. So I exited, walked up the aisle, and went to tell my dad that I needed help. Only thing is I didn’t pull my pants back up. The entire plane burst out laughing at the site of a toddler waddling up the aisle with his pants down. It wasn’t intentional but I got big laughs so I’m counting it. And FYI, I try not to work blue anymore.
Read the rest.
P.S. I tried to rewrite the intro but Sean wasn't having it. ; )
What do they say about introductions: No one really reads them. It is a fact, though, that America’s biggest city, NYC, has no alleys. That’s why we pile garbage up on the streets. Thus, the rats. So don’t blame us for all the rats. Blame the city planners. Anyway. Hollywood may be Hollywood, but maybe it’s had some Botox and plastic surgery, so can we even really say that it’s still the same Hollywood? It’s like Steven Tyler or George Foreman. Can we even really say that either one of them is really Steven Tyler or George Foreman anymore? Anyway, New York City is where comedians are born funny, become funny or decide to become sober. I think we should meet some of these people. Well, meet them in print. Comedians are kinda weird in person. Even in print, sometimes. Sometimes, they’ll rewrite your entire intro for you to make their own Meet Me In New York feature seem more unique. This is an example of that. So, other than being hilarious, charming, and good looking, who does this Matt Ruby think he is? Let’s find out.
When and where was the first time you performed comedy?
When I was a little kid, my family flew somewhere and I went to the bathroom and took a dump but couldn’t reach the toilet paper. So I exited, walked up the aisle, and went to tell my dad that I needed help. Only thing is I didn’t pull my pants back up. The entire plane burst out laughing at the site of a toddler waddling up the aisle with his pants down. It wasn’t intentional but I got big laughs so I’m counting it. And FYI, I try not to work blue anymore.
Read the rest.
P.S. I tried to rewrite the intro but Sean wasn't having it. ; )
What do they say about introductions: No one really reads them. It is a fact, though, that America’s biggest city, NYC, has no alleys. That’s why we pile garbage up on the streets. Thus, the rats. So don’t blame us for all the rats. Blame the city planners. Anyway. Hollywood may be Hollywood, but maybe it’s had some Botox and plastic surgery, so can we even really say that it’s still the same Hollywood? It’s like Steven Tyler or George Foreman. Can we even really say that either one of them is really Steven Tyler or George Foreman anymore? Anyway, New York City is where comedians are born funny, become funny or decide to become sober. I think we should meet some of these people. Well, meet them in print. Comedians are kinda weird in person. Even in print, sometimes. Sometimes, they’ll rewrite your entire intro for you to make their own Meet Me In New York feature seem more unique. This is an example of that. So, other than being hilarious, charming, and good looking, who does this Matt Ruby think he is? Let’s find out.
How comedy/NYC/life has made me feel more Jewish
"Honestly, I’ve spent most of my life running away from being Jewish. I read Richard Dawkins. I watch Bill Maher. I date Catholic girls. I listen to rock ’n roll. Who needs the Torah when you’ve got Tom Petty?"
I wrote an essay for Paste Magazine about how comedy/NYC/life has made me feel more Jewish.
I wrote an essay for Paste Magazine about how comedy/NYC/life has made me feel more Jewish.
3/31/17
Help me welcome little HOT FLASHES, my debut standup comedy album, into the world!
The Bump Watch is over!
My little bundle of joy has arrived!
800 Pound Gorilla Records and I are ecstatic to welcome little HOT FLASHES, my debut standup comedy album, into the world!
Born on the 31st of March, 2017
23 tracks, 58 minutes
We invite you and your friends to join us in celebrating at the release show on Sun, Apr 9 at NY Comedy Club at 9:15pm ($5 tix with code HOTFLASHES here)
To listen/download, click this link
And be sure to tell your friends/spread the word too
Love,
The Ruby Family
(Look, this might be as close as I get to one of these announcements so please just give this to me.)
My little bundle of joy has arrived!
800 Pound Gorilla Records and I are ecstatic to welcome little HOT FLASHES, my debut standup comedy album, into the world!
Born on the 31st of March, 2017
23 tracks, 58 minutes
We invite you and your friends to join us in celebrating at the release show on Sun, Apr 9 at NY Comedy Club at 9:15pm ($5 tix with code HOTFLASHES here)
To listen/download, click this link
And be sure to tell your friends/spread the word too
Love,
The Ruby Family
(Look, this might be as close as I get to one of these announcements so please just give this to me.)
10/26/16
Newsletter: Album taping in Chicago, Schtick shows (including Seeso show), Vooza interviews, west coast/NYC shows, and rants about the election
Hey! Lots going on – album taping in Chicago, Schtick shows (including Seeso show), Vooza interviews, west coast dates, NYC shows, rants about the election – so let's get to it...
Live album taping in Chicago in December
I'll be recording a standup album in Chicago on Wednesday, December 7 so if you're there come and if you know anyone there go ahead and tell 'em. Will be two shows that night at the awesome Comedians You Should Know show. Tix avail here and there's a $5 early bird discount code: MATT5
Schtick or Treat in NYC and LA this week – and on the TV
Our Schtick or Treat show is tonight in NYC at The Knitting Factory (show info/tickets). It's a NY Times Critic's Pick...
..and we're also doing it in LA for the first time this year! That show will be Sunday night (Oct 30) at The Virgil in LA (show info/tickets). Here's a writeup in LA Weekly. And I'm doing a full west coast swing (LA/SF/BC)...dates at end of email.
Also, the Schtick show we filmed a few months ago will debut on Seeso (NBC's new streaming comedy network) on Oct 27. They'll give you a free month trial so you can watch for free.
Interviews About Vooza
Couple of recent interviews I've done about our Vooza show that makes fun of the tech world and startups:
1) Traction Podcast: "Today, we talk to startup legend and self-made millionaire, Matt Ruby, founder of Vooza — thought leader, disruptor, and the next Steve Jobs. Alright, alright, so none of that is true — but we DO talk to a guy named Matt Ruby who parodies the startup world through his video production company, Vooza. Not only are they hilarious, but they partner with some REAL startups to create hilarious videos too."
2) I did another interview and now it's being presented as a "Masterclass" so basically I'm just like Aaron Sorkin and Werner Herzog.
3) I'm in character as idiot startup CEO in this interview with a Dutch broadcaster.
Also: Body language guru, Harvard psychologist, and TED star Amy Cuddy gives a shoutout to this "Power Pose" episode of Vooza in her new book "Presence."
NYC Shows
I'll be doing a special headliner show at NY Comedy Club on November 30 at 7pm. Last chance this year to see me do a full hour set in NYC! Tickets here.
And our HOT SOUP show is going strong every Tuesday night at Irish Exit. Last night we had a drop-in from Broad City's Ilana Glazer (photo).
Trump vs. Hillary
...and now here's some stuff I've written about the election. Follow me on Facebook or Twitter to see more.
Al Smith Dinner
Pretty sweet to see the political, religious, and business elite come together at that Al Smith Dinner. Totally backs up the separation of church and state when the Cardinal sits between the two presidential candidates. And I bet those journalists will do a great job of speaking truth to power as soon as they take off their tuxes, long white gloves, and ballgowns. And I appreciate how the most important guests are seated in tiers onstage so we get a physical representation of their relative status. Talk about a time saver! Yup, just a bunch of businessmen and politicians who definitely don't trade favors yukking it up at the Waldorf Astoria. Warms my heart to see these folks put aside their differences and come together to commemorate what truly matters: lavish displays of wealth disguised as charity. My only question: Does the creepy mask dungeon sex party take place before or after dessert?
Ivanka
Reality show idea: Ivanka hanging out for days with the people who show up at Trump rallies. Just discussing fashion trends, eating waffles in a diner, talking about her Jewish husband, etc.
Content
"How did their empire collapse?"
"Well, they used to have 'journalism' and then they traded it in for 'content.'"
Bones
Mad Men was watched by only 300,000 people every week. Same with Girls. Meanwhile, NCIS is watched by 20 million people every week. That’s how Trump is still in this. All those people who watch NCIS, CSI, and Bones are voting for him.
Keeping Hope Alive
Hope and change. Remember that? I know this time around it all seems awful and depressing. But let’s keep this in mind: This is what change looks like.
None of this terrible stuff is new. It’s just that we’re finally talking about it. Cops have been murdering black people for a long time. But now we’re finally talking about it. Powerful men have been taking advantage of women forever. But now those women are able to speak up and fight back.
The truth can’t be denied anymore. There are tapes now. We’ve got iPhones and hot mics. There is proof. The rocks are being overturned and the creatures that hide in the dark are being exposed. Of course they’re angry about it. Of course they’re lashing out. This is their death rattle.
The voices of the oppressed are amplified now. A black woman in the White House just told a powerful white man that his behavior is disgraceful and intolerable and the country responded with an overwhelming “Amen.” I mean, imagine that sentence even being written 30 years ago.
People keep talking about how depressing the news has been this year. And I get it. But sometimes the process has to be painful at first. When you travel to a foreign place, your body gets sick at first. When your body changes, there are growing pains at first. When you take mushrooms, your stomach feels nauseous at first. But then you get to the good stuff. You have to fight through that initial tumult to get to the transcendent part.
We’re not there yet. But we’re closer than ever before. For however bad it seems, it's also the best it’s ever been. And it’s getting better.
These are hopeful times. This is what change looks like. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
-Matt
P.S. Another episode of our Club Scale show (written/produced by me and starring Dan Soder and Joe List) just came out. Watch it.
P.P.S. Shows I'm doing on west coast swing upcoming. LA/SF/Victoria BC...
LOS ANGELES
Friday, October 28
8:00pm peachy keen @ bar lubitsch
Saturday, October 29
8:00pm Good Heroin @ Stories BooksandCafe
Sunday, October 30
8:00pm Schtick or Treat @ The Virgil (LA)
Monday, October 31
9:00pm Kibitz Room Comedy Show
9:30pm The Business @ Little Joy
Wednesday, November 2
8:00pm Goodnight LA @ Bar Lubitsch
8:00pm Party In The Back @ New California Barbershop
9:00pm Rod Stewart Live @ La Cuevita (Little Cave)
Thursday, November 3
9:00pm Comedy Palace
SAN FRANCISCO
Friday, November 4
11:59pm Night Moves @ Pianofight
Saturday, November 5
8:00pm The Setup @ The Beer Basement (SF)
10:00pm Cheaper Than Therapy @ Shelton Theater (SF)
Sunday, November 6
8:00pm SF Punchline
Monday, November 7
8:00pm Doc's Lab
8:00pm milk bar
Tuesday, November 8
8:00pm Club Milk
Wednesday, November 9
8:00pm - Doc's Lab
9:00pm - Real Live Comedians @ PianoFight
Thursday, November 10
8:00pm mission position @ Alamo Drafthouse
VICTORIA, BC
Friday, November 11
8:00pm Heckler's (Victoria, BC)
Saturday, November 12
8:00pm Heckler's (Victoria, BC)
Live album taping in Chicago in December
I'll be recording a standup album in Chicago on Wednesday, December 7 so if you're there come and if you know anyone there go ahead and tell 'em. Will be two shows that night at the awesome Comedians You Should Know show. Tix avail here and there's a $5 early bird discount code: MATT5
Schtick or Treat in NYC and LA this week – and on the TV
Our Schtick or Treat show is tonight in NYC at The Knitting Factory (show info/tickets). It's a NY Times Critic's Pick...
..and we're also doing it in LA for the first time this year! That show will be Sunday night (Oct 30) at The Virgil in LA (show info/tickets). Here's a writeup in LA Weekly. And I'm doing a full west coast swing (LA/SF/BC)...dates at end of email.
Also, the Schtick show we filmed a few months ago will debut on Seeso (NBC's new streaming comedy network) on Oct 27. They'll give you a free month trial so you can watch for free.
Interviews About Vooza
Couple of recent interviews I've done about our Vooza show that makes fun of the tech world and startups:
1) Traction Podcast: "Today, we talk to startup legend and self-made millionaire, Matt Ruby, founder of Vooza — thought leader, disruptor, and the next Steve Jobs. Alright, alright, so none of that is true — but we DO talk to a guy named Matt Ruby who parodies the startup world through his video production company, Vooza. Not only are they hilarious, but they partner with some REAL startups to create hilarious videos too."
2) I did another interview and now it's being presented as a "Masterclass" so basically I'm just like Aaron Sorkin and Werner Herzog.
3) I'm in character as idiot startup CEO in this interview with a Dutch broadcaster.
Also: Body language guru, Harvard psychologist, and TED star Amy Cuddy gives a shoutout to this "Power Pose" episode of Vooza in her new book "Presence."
NYC Shows
I'll be doing a special headliner show at NY Comedy Club on November 30 at 7pm. Last chance this year to see me do a full hour set in NYC! Tickets here.
And our HOT SOUP show is going strong every Tuesday night at Irish Exit. Last night we had a drop-in from Broad City's Ilana Glazer (photo).
Trump vs. Hillary
...and now here's some stuff I've written about the election. Follow me on Facebook or Twitter to see more.
Al Smith Dinner
Pretty sweet to see the political, religious, and business elite come together at that Al Smith Dinner. Totally backs up the separation of church and state when the Cardinal sits between the two presidential candidates. And I bet those journalists will do a great job of speaking truth to power as soon as they take off their tuxes, long white gloves, and ballgowns. And I appreciate how the most important guests are seated in tiers onstage so we get a physical representation of their relative status. Talk about a time saver! Yup, just a bunch of businessmen and politicians who definitely don't trade favors yukking it up at the Waldorf Astoria. Warms my heart to see these folks put aside their differences and come together to commemorate what truly matters: lavish displays of wealth disguised as charity. My only question: Does the creepy mask dungeon sex party take place before or after dessert?
Ivanka
Reality show idea: Ivanka hanging out for days with the people who show up at Trump rallies. Just discussing fashion trends, eating waffles in a diner, talking about her Jewish husband, etc.
Content
"How did their empire collapse?"
"Well, they used to have 'journalism' and then they traded it in for 'content.'"
Bones
Mad Men was watched by only 300,000 people every week. Same with Girls. Meanwhile, NCIS is watched by 20 million people every week. That’s how Trump is still in this. All those people who watch NCIS, CSI, and Bones are voting for him.
Keeping Hope Alive
Hope and change. Remember that? I know this time around it all seems awful and depressing. But let’s keep this in mind: This is what change looks like.
None of this terrible stuff is new. It’s just that we’re finally talking about it. Cops have been murdering black people for a long time. But now we’re finally talking about it. Powerful men have been taking advantage of women forever. But now those women are able to speak up and fight back.
The truth can’t be denied anymore. There are tapes now. We’ve got iPhones and hot mics. There is proof. The rocks are being overturned and the creatures that hide in the dark are being exposed. Of course they’re angry about it. Of course they’re lashing out. This is their death rattle.
The voices of the oppressed are amplified now. A black woman in the White House just told a powerful white man that his behavior is disgraceful and intolerable and the country responded with an overwhelming “Amen.” I mean, imagine that sentence even being written 30 years ago.
People keep talking about how depressing the news has been this year. And I get it. But sometimes the process has to be painful at first. When you travel to a foreign place, your body gets sick at first. When your body changes, there are growing pains at first. When you take mushrooms, your stomach feels nauseous at first. But then you get to the good stuff. You have to fight through that initial tumult to get to the transcendent part.
We’re not there yet. But we’re closer than ever before. For however bad it seems, it's also the best it’s ever been. And it’s getting better.
These are hopeful times. This is what change looks like. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
-Matt
P.S. Another episode of our Club Scale show (written/produced by me and starring Dan Soder and Joe List) just came out. Watch it.
P.P.S. Shows I'm doing on west coast swing upcoming. LA/SF/Victoria BC...
LOS ANGELES
Friday, October 28
8:00pm peachy keen @ bar lubitsch
Saturday, October 29
8:00pm Good Heroin @ Stories BooksandCafe
Sunday, October 30
8:00pm Schtick or Treat @ The Virgil (LA)
Monday, October 31
9:00pm Kibitz Room Comedy Show
9:30pm The Business @ Little Joy
Wednesday, November 2
8:00pm Goodnight LA @ Bar Lubitsch
8:00pm Party In The Back @ New California Barbershop
9:00pm Rod Stewart Live @ La Cuevita (Little Cave)
Thursday, November 3
9:00pm Comedy Palace
SAN FRANCISCO
Friday, November 4
11:59pm Night Moves @ Pianofight
Saturday, November 5
8:00pm The Setup @ The Beer Basement (SF)
10:00pm Cheaper Than Therapy @ Shelton Theater (SF)
Sunday, November 6
8:00pm SF Punchline
Monday, November 7
8:00pm Doc's Lab
8:00pm milk bar
Tuesday, November 8
8:00pm Club Milk
Wednesday, November 9
8:00pm - Doc's Lab
9:00pm - Real Live Comedians @ PianoFight
Thursday, November 10
8:00pm mission position @ Alamo Drafthouse
VICTORIA, BC
Friday, November 11
8:00pm Heckler's (Victoria, BC)
Saturday, November 12
8:00pm Heckler's (Victoria, BC)
8/5/16
Music festivals, traffic, Trump, bomb robots, etc.
Just sent out this email newsletter. (Subscribe here.)
The Media
I wish all these goofs complaining about "the media" would realize there are only like 30 real journalists left in this entire nation and "the media" is actually a bunch of millennials who live in Greenpoint who copy/paste tweets, then A/B test 30 different outrageous headlines, and then go to open mics to do jokes about Game of Thrones. They're as incredulous as you are that anyone is paying attention to anything they do and the only reason they have a platform at all is because y'all clicked on a video of people putting rubber bands on a watermelon until it breaks.
Music Festivals
I liked it better before music festivals took over summers and you could actually see a band you love in a decent venue instead of having to take a ferry to stand in a muddy field next to a bunch of mooks on molly and chicks taking flower crown selfies all so you can barely see a schizo shuffle "I like everything that's popular" lineup perform on the CitiSamsungPepsiToyota stage.
Judaism and Yo Mamma
"So you're Jewish?"
"Actually, I'm more of an atheist."
"But is your mom Jewish?"
"Yes."
"Then you're a Jew."
Judaism is like the Hotel California of religion...I can check out anytime I like but I can never leave.
Traffic
Advice to suburban people: Never complain to New Yorkers about being stuck in traffic. We get it, traffic sucks – but it ain't no subway. You're "stuck" in a personal cocoon of safety where you get to control the temperature, music, and make phone calls. We ain't gonna feel bad for you until you got a homeless dude in the backseat and some half-eaten chicken wings lying around and an unidentifiable smell and an announcement every 10 minutes about how unwanted sexual conduct shouldn’t be a part of your commute. Until then, you may as well be riding in a golden chariot as far as we're concerned.
Osama
Crazy how everything is going EXACTLY how Osama hoped it would go. This diabetic goon hiding out in the desert whose only real weapon was videotaped speeches got 18 mooks with boxcutters together and set a trap for us and we fell right into it and invaded and keep doing drone strikes that are terrorism fertilizer and he's gonna get his clash of civilizations that's impossible for us to win and meanwhile we got W. swaying at funerals and singing gospel songs like he ain't been 100% punked out.
Cops
I hate how these cops getting shot by lone-wolf randos is distracting us from the systemic issues in policing.
"The OVERWHELMING amount of cops are good people."
The guards in the Stanford Prison Experiment were good people too. It's the job and having power that creates the problem.
“We can’t tell what happened on that video.”
It doesn’t matter what happened in that one video. It’s about ALL the videos. It’s about the pattern. It’s about the metadata. Things are not working.
“Cops aren’t racist. That MN cop who shot him was hispanic. The Freddy Gray cop in Baltimore was black.”
It's not that all (or most) cops are racist. It's that they are on the front line of enforcing a judicial system that is unfairly skewed against black people.
The war on drugs unfairly targets black communities - see ridic crack vs. powder cocaine sentencing disparity that existed for years. The for-profit prison industry forces us to fill vacancies in perverse criminal hotels and when beds need to be filled you know who gets targeted first. And once someone's a convict, good luck getting back on track. And then police forces like the one in Ferguson get revenue by disproportionately ticketing black people and then minor offenses turn into arrest warrants and then…well, you get it.
Basically, our society forces cops to be the tip of the sword that enforces a corrupt system. Inevitably, things go wrong with that. Every traffic stop or stop-and-frisk increases the odds that there will be a violent encounter. It’s shitty all the way around.
Now, it’d be one thing if cops were willing to admit that things go wrong or that cops can get out of hand. But they never do. We have a code of silence among the people sworn to protect us. They care more about covering up for their buddies than justice.
And everyone can see it. Cameras mean white people are finally realizing what black people have known for years. “My body cam fell off as I was shooting this black man who was selling CDs. Oops!” C’mon. It’s insulting.
That is why people are protesting. Because cops are behaving like gangs or the mafia and not like people who are out there to protect us. As long as all cops automatically cover up for each other, they will get lumped together as conspirators.
Craziest thing is we don’t even have a way to measure how many people get shot by cops. You only improve what you measure. And yet we still need reporters to track down the number of police shootings instead of having the government keep a database. Did you know the government measures the victims of unprovoked shark attacks? Maybe we’ll get some answers if there are some shark-and-frisks.
The guy who shoots cops faces justice. The cops who shoot black men never face justice. They don't get convicted. In our courts, police get away with everything and black men get away with nothing unless they're OJ.
I'm not anti-cop, I'm pro-justice. And right now, the police are the front lines of an unfair criminal justice system and deserve to be called out for it. Sure, I feel bad for the good cops out there. But I care more about justice. And when the good guys repeatedly demonstrate they don’t care about justice, I start to think that maybe they’re not the good guys.
That Bomb Robot
very sad those cops got shot but good lord it's terrifying that we got militarized police departments that dress up like storm troopers and also have the ability to explode people with bomb robots. seriously, we can’t get a robot that tases or uses tear gas or knows kung fu? we got self driving cars so this seems like nice tech to get because it keeps police from being executioners and maybe they’re doing enough of that already and also there is a reason cops and judges are different people. crazy how our society is having less and less faith in police officers while simultaneously giving them increasingly powerful weapons. kinda like saying, "you keep running over people...here's a bigger, faster car!" at the very least, i'd like some guidelines on when it’s ok for cops to disappear people rather than JUST USE YOUR DISCRETION WITH YOUR NIGHTMARE DYSTOPIAN FUTURE ROBOT, MR POLICEMAN.
Vampire Trump
You get it, right? Donald Trump doesn’t actually want to be President. The job would be a nightmare for him. As if he’d wake up every morning and reach a bunch of briefings and reports. C’mon.
He doesn’t care about any of the things he pretends to care about. He doesn’t actually think Obama is from Kenya. He’s not actually going to build a wall. He’s just spouting a bunch of right wing talk radio talking points because he saw a gap between what people loved hearing from talkshow hosts and what they were getting from politicians. There was shelf space on the right.
What he actually wants is for the word “Trump” to be said by as any people as possible. It’s all he’s wanted for his entire life. Each headline or tweet with his name in it feeds him. There is no such thing as bad publicity to him.
He is a ghoul vampire who thinks that every time someone says or reads the word “Trump” his soul will gain another year of immortality.
Rage on all you want. Your hatred feeds the beast. To him, your rage is as good as love. The more you say ANYTHING about him out loud, the more you make him feel alive.
Lobby
INT HOTEL LOBBY
I'm standing there talking to someone I'm trying to impress. A stranger approaches...
"Hey, do I know you?"
"Well, I'm a standup comic."
"I don't think that's it."
"I got this show named Vooza. Maybe you've seen that?"
"Nah, I'm a bartender."
"Oh."
"I think you used to come into the bar I worked at all the time."
"I don't really hang out at bars that much."
"Walter's in Fort Greene."
"Yeah, that's it."
Have a swell weekend.
Want emails like this sent to you? Join my email list.
The Media
I wish all these goofs complaining about "the media" would realize there are only like 30 real journalists left in this entire nation and "the media" is actually a bunch of millennials who live in Greenpoint who copy/paste tweets, then A/B test 30 different outrageous headlines, and then go to open mics to do jokes about Game of Thrones. They're as incredulous as you are that anyone is paying attention to anything they do and the only reason they have a platform at all is because y'all clicked on a video of people putting rubber bands on a watermelon until it breaks.
Music Festivals
I liked it better before music festivals took over summers and you could actually see a band you love in a decent venue instead of having to take a ferry to stand in a muddy field next to a bunch of mooks on molly and chicks taking flower crown selfies all so you can barely see a schizo shuffle "I like everything that's popular" lineup perform on the CitiSamsungPepsiToyota stage.
Judaism and Yo Mamma
"So you're Jewish?"
"Actually, I'm more of an atheist."
"But is your mom Jewish?"
"Yes."
"Then you're a Jew."
Judaism is like the Hotel California of religion...I can check out anytime I like but I can never leave.
Traffic
Advice to suburban people: Never complain to New Yorkers about being stuck in traffic. We get it, traffic sucks – but it ain't no subway. You're "stuck" in a personal cocoon of safety where you get to control the temperature, music, and make phone calls. We ain't gonna feel bad for you until you got a homeless dude in the backseat and some half-eaten chicken wings lying around and an unidentifiable smell and an announcement every 10 minutes about how unwanted sexual conduct shouldn’t be a part of your commute. Until then, you may as well be riding in a golden chariot as far as we're concerned.
Osama
Crazy how everything is going EXACTLY how Osama hoped it would go. This diabetic goon hiding out in the desert whose only real weapon was videotaped speeches got 18 mooks with boxcutters together and set a trap for us and we fell right into it and invaded and keep doing drone strikes that are terrorism fertilizer and he's gonna get his clash of civilizations that's impossible for us to win and meanwhile we got W. swaying at funerals and singing gospel songs like he ain't been 100% punked out.
Cops
I hate how these cops getting shot by lone-wolf randos is distracting us from the systemic issues in policing.
"The OVERWHELMING amount of cops are good people."
The guards in the Stanford Prison Experiment were good people too. It's the job and having power that creates the problem.
“We can’t tell what happened on that video.”
It doesn’t matter what happened in that one video. It’s about ALL the videos. It’s about the pattern. It’s about the metadata. Things are not working.
“Cops aren’t racist. That MN cop who shot him was hispanic. The Freddy Gray cop in Baltimore was black.”
It's not that all (or most) cops are racist. It's that they are on the front line of enforcing a judicial system that is unfairly skewed against black people.
The war on drugs unfairly targets black communities - see ridic crack vs. powder cocaine sentencing disparity that existed for years. The for-profit prison industry forces us to fill vacancies in perverse criminal hotels and when beds need to be filled you know who gets targeted first. And once someone's a convict, good luck getting back on track. And then police forces like the one in Ferguson get revenue by disproportionately ticketing black people and then minor offenses turn into arrest warrants and then…well, you get it.
Basically, our society forces cops to be the tip of the sword that enforces a corrupt system. Inevitably, things go wrong with that. Every traffic stop or stop-and-frisk increases the odds that there will be a violent encounter. It’s shitty all the way around.
Now, it’d be one thing if cops were willing to admit that things go wrong or that cops can get out of hand. But they never do. We have a code of silence among the people sworn to protect us. They care more about covering up for their buddies than justice.
And everyone can see it. Cameras mean white people are finally realizing what black people have known for years. “My body cam fell off as I was shooting this black man who was selling CDs. Oops!” C’mon. It’s insulting.
That is why people are protesting. Because cops are behaving like gangs or the mafia and not like people who are out there to protect us. As long as all cops automatically cover up for each other, they will get lumped together as conspirators.
Craziest thing is we don’t even have a way to measure how many people get shot by cops. You only improve what you measure. And yet we still need reporters to track down the number of police shootings instead of having the government keep a database. Did you know the government measures the victims of unprovoked shark attacks? Maybe we’ll get some answers if there are some shark-and-frisks.
The guy who shoots cops faces justice. The cops who shoot black men never face justice. They don't get convicted. In our courts, police get away with everything and black men get away with nothing unless they're OJ.
I'm not anti-cop, I'm pro-justice. And right now, the police are the front lines of an unfair criminal justice system and deserve to be called out for it. Sure, I feel bad for the good cops out there. But I care more about justice. And when the good guys repeatedly demonstrate they don’t care about justice, I start to think that maybe they’re not the good guys.
That Bomb Robot
very sad those cops got shot but good lord it's terrifying that we got militarized police departments that dress up like storm troopers and also have the ability to explode people with bomb robots. seriously, we can’t get a robot that tases or uses tear gas or knows kung fu? we got self driving cars so this seems like nice tech to get because it keeps police from being executioners and maybe they’re doing enough of that already and also there is a reason cops and judges are different people. crazy how our society is having less and less faith in police officers while simultaneously giving them increasingly powerful weapons. kinda like saying, "you keep running over people...here's a bigger, faster car!" at the very least, i'd like some guidelines on when it’s ok for cops to disappear people rather than JUST USE YOUR DISCRETION WITH YOUR NIGHTMARE DYSTOPIAN FUTURE ROBOT, MR POLICEMAN.
Vampire Trump
You get it, right? Donald Trump doesn’t actually want to be President. The job would be a nightmare for him. As if he’d wake up every morning and reach a bunch of briefings and reports. C’mon.
He doesn’t care about any of the things he pretends to care about. He doesn’t actually think Obama is from Kenya. He’s not actually going to build a wall. He’s just spouting a bunch of right wing talk radio talking points because he saw a gap between what people loved hearing from talkshow hosts and what they were getting from politicians. There was shelf space on the right.
What he actually wants is for the word “Trump” to be said by as any people as possible. It’s all he’s wanted for his entire life. Each headline or tweet with his name in it feeds him. There is no such thing as bad publicity to him.
He is a ghoul vampire who thinks that every time someone says or reads the word “Trump” his soul will gain another year of immortality.
Rage on all you want. Your hatred feeds the beast. To him, your rage is as good as love. The more you say ANYTHING about him out loud, the more you make him feel alive.
Lobby
INT HOTEL LOBBY
I'm standing there talking to someone I'm trying to impress. A stranger approaches...
"Hey, do I know you?"
"Well, I'm a standup comic."
"I don't think that's it."
"I got this show named Vooza. Maybe you've seen that?"
"Nah, I'm a bartender."
"Oh."
"I think you used to come into the bar I worked at all the time."
"I don't really hang out at bars that much."
"Walter's in Fort Greene."
"Yeah, that's it."
Have a swell weekend.
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6/27/16
Brexit, Lebron, Facebook, Bill Cunningham, Schtick, etc.
My latest emailer covers Brexit, Lebron, Facebook, Bill Cunningham, Schtick or Treat for SeeSo! (tonight!), HOT SOUP, and Vooza. Get up on it. Subscribe.
6/20/16
New Yorkers don't understand how much sports means to midwesterners
New Yorkers don't understand how much sports means to midwesterners.
In the midwest, the celeb 8x10 on the wall of the pizza place is the local newscaster. That's the most famous person around, the guy who does the weather. There, you are a big celebrity if you've been on Law & Order. In NYC, your waitress has been on Law & Order.
When the local sports team makes the playoffs, a midwestern city stops. Watching that game is what the city is doing that night. Yes, the entire city. Were you planning on performing that night? Sorry, that's not a thing anymore. Everyone will be at a sports bar. Actually, every bar becomes a sports bar. And there is a DJ who plays jock jams when the game goes to commercial. Gary Glitter is played and people scream "hey" and none of it is ironic.
There is real investment. Jerseys are worn. People sulk and hurt when their team is eliminated. They rejoice and honk horns all night when they win. In New York, we have no horns to honk.
Lebron gets it. He knew that winning would mean more to Cleveland than it could ever possibly mean to Miami, where people leave before the game ends because they have to go tan and do cocaine and promote their cool party (see, everyone in Miami is a promoter).
New Yorkers won't ever get that highest of highs that sports can deliver because that intense high comes from a place of desperation. A yearning to escape, if just for a night. To be a real player. One on the big boys.
In NYC, we are always a big boy. We have too many options. Sure, we may root for the Yankees. But when they lose, we shrug and go out and do one of the 238 other cool things there are to do in NYC that night. When Cleveland loses, they have to go back to living in Cleveland.
So I'm happy today. I'm happy for Cleveland. They got a championship. And I'm happy for everyone else too because hey, we don't live in Cleveland.
In the midwest, the celeb 8x10 on the wall of the pizza place is the local newscaster. That's the most famous person around, the guy who does the weather. There, you are a big celebrity if you've been on Law & Order. In NYC, your waitress has been on Law & Order.
When the local sports team makes the playoffs, a midwestern city stops. Watching that game is what the city is doing that night. Yes, the entire city. Were you planning on performing that night? Sorry, that's not a thing anymore. Everyone will be at a sports bar. Actually, every bar becomes a sports bar. And there is a DJ who plays jock jams when the game goes to commercial. Gary Glitter is played and people scream "hey" and none of it is ironic.
There is real investment. Jerseys are worn. People sulk and hurt when their team is eliminated. They rejoice and honk horns all night when they win. In New York, we have no horns to honk.
Lebron gets it. He knew that winning would mean more to Cleveland than it could ever possibly mean to Miami, where people leave before the game ends because they have to go tan and do cocaine and promote their cool party (see, everyone in Miami is a promoter).
New Yorkers won't ever get that highest of highs that sports can deliver because that intense high comes from a place of desperation. A yearning to escape, if just for a night. To be a real player. One on the big boys.
In NYC, we are always a big boy. We have too many options. Sure, we may root for the Yankees. But when they lose, we shrug and go out and do one of the 238 other cool things there are to do in NYC that night. When Cleveland loses, they have to go back to living in Cleveland.
So I'm happy today. I'm happy for Cleveland. They got a championship. And I'm happy for everyone else too because hey, we don't live in Cleveland.
5/20/16
Vooza turns 150
Holy moly, we've made 150 (!) episodes of our Vooza show. Crazy. Here's the 150th which is about the latest pukey buzzword in the tech world: Storytelling. Good time to say I'm so proud of the awesome/hilarious team that makes it all happen. It's so cool to be able to give comics I love a platform to show what they can do (especially when they take some pretty iffy scripts and spin 'em into gold). And Jesse Scaturro is a hero who does an amazing job directing and editing it all. Can't believe this lil' experiment has turned into a legit show with millions of views and led to companies like Turkish Airlines and Mailchimp hiring us to make cool shit for them and it's kinda been like film school for me so thanks to everyone involved. More fun stuff on the way too. Onward!
3/23/16
Lonnie Dama (Business Shaman) presents: Mo' Focus, Mo' Money
I gave a talk at the The East Meets West Medicine Fest in character as Lonnie Dama (Business Shaman) and explained to a roomful of yogis, healers, doctors, and other assorted hippies how they could use ancient wisdom to make modern profits, my Reiki work with Vladimir Putin, and the importance of starting each day with a Long Island Ayahuasca (a mixture of LSD, psilocybin, peyote, ketamine, DMT, molly, and bath salts). Enjoy!
3/1/16
Old people using Snapchat
When you watch someone over 35 try to figure out how to use Snapchat, it looks a lot like this...
Posted by Matt Ruby on Friday, February 26, 2016
2/29/16
These kids today
We're all bitching that college kids today are way too sensitive and I get that – especially when my new trans joke, which I'm pretty sure is great, doesn't work because an audience of dudes who look like they make artisanal chocolate sitting with girls dressed like Debbie Harry refuse to go with me simply because I mentioned the word "trans."
But then I stop and think: Have college kids ever been on the wrong side of history? Civil rights, Vietnam, apartheid, women's/gay rights, etc. They seem to have a pretty good track record of being right while the olds try to lecture them about how they just don't get it.
But damn, I really wanna hang onto that trans joke. I may just start ending sets by telling that joke, watching it bomb, and replying, "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids."
But then I stop and think: Have college kids ever been on the wrong side of history? Civil rights, Vietnam, apartheid, women's/gay rights, etc. They seem to have a pretty good track record of being right while the olds try to lecture them about how they just don't get it.
But damn, I really wanna hang onto that trans joke. I may just start ending sets by telling that joke, watching it bomb, and replying, "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids."
1/5/16
Why the mob loved to watch The Sopranos
Showtime is taking its new show Billions to the bankers and financiers on Wall Street and beyond.
I've noticed this with Vooza too. Sometimes people will ask, "Don't people in the tech world get mad at you for making fun of them?" And I've never actually experienced this. If anything, it's the opposite. People who work in the tech world day to day respond to it the most. They never go "You're making fun of me." They go "I know someone like that."
It's an interesting phenomenon to me. We all relate to the same issues and see people doing bad things but rarely do we look in the mirror and say, "I am the problem."
"People love to see themselves, good or bad, depicted in popular entertainment," said Showtime's evp and CMO Don Buckley. "I remember reading quotes years ago about how the mob loved to watch The Sopranos."
I've noticed this with Vooza too. Sometimes people will ask, "Don't people in the tech world get mad at you for making fun of them?" And I've never actually experienced this. If anything, it's the opposite. People who work in the tech world day to day respond to it the most. They never go "You're making fun of me." They go "I know someone like that."
It's an interesting phenomenon to me. We all relate to the same issues and see people doing bad things but rarely do we look in the mirror and say, "I am the problem."
1/4/16
We live different lives
These two posts were next to each other in my Facebook feed this morning.
Posted by Matt Ruby on Monday, January 4, 2016
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