Joe's black. I'm jewish. We had this conversation the other night.
Joe: I've tried matzah and I don't like it. Couldn't you guys figure out how to make bread?
Me: Matzah sucks 'cuz we made it while being chased through the desert for 40 years by a bunch of Egyptians. I'd think you'd be able to empathize. I bet the bread wasn't so great on your slave ships either.
Me: When the man comes for you, sometimes you forget to grab the yeast. If the Klan surrounded your house, you might take off before packing up the Crisco.
Which reminds me, I've been thinking about Mel Gibson's "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Yeah, 'cuz, you know, as a people, wars have worked out pretty well for us Jews. After World War II, we looked around at each other and said, "Oh yeah, gimme some more of that!"
Also amusing to me: the stereotype that Jews love money. You know, unlike all other ethnic groups. Other ethnic groups just hate money. They give away cash left and right.
Actually, the reason Jews got good with money is because Christians refused to do banking or financial jobs in the Middle Ages. The church said it was filthy so Jews had to take over all the money-related careers. Meanwhile, Christians decided to stick with cobbling and smithing or whatever the hell else people did back then. Not the best move in retrospect. (Hey, Jews have fucked up plenty too...outlawing bacon for starters.)
How can you hate a group of people for doing a job that you forced them to do because you considered it beneath you? It'd be like hating Mexicans for being busboys. But I've never heard someone say, "Damn Mexicans, they love dirty dishes!"
Anyway, Jews don't love money. We love bargains. We've been conditioned to by Jewish holidays, which always seem to be based on a crazy good bargain. For Passover, the little bit of matzah each Israelite took out of Egypt miraculously lasted 31 days. For Hannukah, a one day supply of oil lasted eight days. It's no wonder we get excited when there's a 30% off sale at Saks.
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
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