27 Ways to Kill Moby

There are voices in my head and they keep telling me one thing: "Kill Moby." Featuring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Indians, Beyoncé, a monster truck, Justin Timberlake, chainsaws, and more.

I spent last weekend creating the music and images in the video. Why? Check out these 100% real Moby-related headlines at Yahoo:

Moby Says Iraqi Problem Too Complicated To Have An Opinion

Moby Discusses NASA Shuttle Tragedy

Moby Has Near Brush With Eminem

Moby Thanks Fans For Support After Beatdown

Moby Depressed About American Foreign Policy

Moby Takes On Butterball Turkeys For PETA

Moby Chimes In On Potential Iraq Attack

Moby Has Idea For September 11 Commemoration

Moby Upset By Terror Attacks On Israel

Moby Fuming Over Toxic Fumes From Twin Towers

Moby On Afghanistan Attack

Moby On Inducting Steely Dan Into Rock Hall

Moby Wants To Be Fifth Member Of U2

...and my personal favorite: Moby Attacked By Cat.

Moby was whisked to a New York City hospital on Tuesday (January 2) for treatment for a cat bite sustained on New Year's Day. Moby was walking around Chinatown when a nice gesture on the techno rocker's part went awry.

"I was walking around Chinatown (as I'm wont to do...is it 'want' or 'wont'? My Chaucerian English is pretty crappy) and I stopped to pet a street cat (as I'm wont to do) and the street cat attacked me (as they're wont to do) and it bit my hand very deeply (as they're wont to do. Ok, I'll stop now)," wrote Moby on his website.

He added, "Throughout the day my hand got more and more infected and swollen and sore. But I, being relatively stoic, just went about my business, assuming that my relative youth and relative health would prevent me from getting rabies or whatever diseases were floating around in this cat's mouth. But no. I went to sleep with a sore hand, only to be awoken at some ungodly hour (9 a.m.) with tons of pain and the inability to move my fingers."

"So, being of sound mind and body, I went to my local emergency room where I was rushed into the 'urgent care' ward and given a tetanus shot and some mega-dose of antibiotics. The doctors told me that cat bites are extremely serious (especially when delivered by the foul-mouthed denizens of dumpsters in Chinatown) and they reprimanded me for not coming in right after it happened."

Fuck. I totally thought petting cats in Chinatown was a good idea. There go my weekend plans.

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