So this is how hot girls feel

A busboy comes out with a pizza. He's looking around frantically trying to figure out who ordered the pizza. And then he locks eyes with me. And I realize what's going on after a second and I'm like, "Oh no." And I shake my head. And then I look down at my feet. And then I shuffle away.

And I realized that's how hot girls feel all the time. It's like every guy they meet is trying to offer them a pizza they didn't order. You SURE you didn't order this? Well, are you hungry? Because I have a truck out back with 2,000 more pizzas. I'm all backed up with pizza. Please!?

So guys, imagine what it must feel like if every time you made eye contact with someone they offered you a pizza. At first, you'd be, "Oh great, I like pizza!" But soon it would start to get weird: "You're my cab driver, why are you even offering me pizza? And where would I eat it?" Eventually you'd get fed up. "Listen, I'm just trying to get to work. I don't want a pizza" And then they'd go, "Bitch." "I just didn't want pizza." "Well, maybe you shouldn't have dressed like you wanted pizza then." Which is true if you're wearing a shirt that says, "Offer me pizza. My Daddy didn't love me." You shouldn't do that.
Ah, beauty. What are you gonna do with that? Stare at it, I guess...and then cry.


Chris Conway said...

Matt, I've had similar thoughts while standing on a Manhattan street corner at a time when there are a lot of available cabs driving by. I feel like every little look or hand movement that I make is going to be mis-interpreted by a cab driver as a sign that I want to be picked up.

Matt Ruby said...

Yeah, Chris. That's a good one too. I hate when you're looking right at 'em and they still honk at you. As if you weren't sure what taxis do or something.

RG Daniels said...

Or when a fan of Madness looks at you even though you're clearly into The Jam. I mean, c'mon fellas...wisen up!

Hank in Chicago said...

Hot women also think they are hilarious, intelligent and well-cultured. They believe that their opinions and insights are worth repeating. Why wouldn't they? Everybody smiles, laughs and nods at everything they say, including myself.

I'm looking at you, Sharon Stone!

Abbi Crutchfield said...

I believe you ordered a large sausage...?

Moving on/Subscribe to my newsletter

I only post on rare occasions here now. Subscribe to my Rubesletter  (it's at  mattruby.substack.com ) to get jokes, videos, essays, etc...