So I'm watching all the hubbub about gay marriage. Good for you, gays. BUT if gay people were being discriminated against because they couldn't have the special benefits of getting married then you know who else is getting screwed? Single people.
Our entire society is geared around this Disney fantasy of lifelong monogamy/attachment/wedded bliss and we just blindly ignore the fact that all these laws set up to boost marriage are discriminating against single people. And you know what? Us single people are already sad, lonely, and not getting laid. Aren't we the ones who deserve some love from the government? We sure as hell ain't getting it anywhere else.
Why should being married have ANY impact on insurance, taxes, and the rest of it? Who you bang and for how long should have nothing to do with this stuff.
And if it does, I'd argue single people deserve a break even more than the marrieds. Marrieds already have the joy of holy matrimony. Us single people have the sorrow of OK Cupid hookups. (If I have to trade emails with one more girl who's got a fake mustache photo and lists Amelie as her fave movie, I'm gonna join Al Qaeda.)
Tax benefits? Single people are the ones who need a tax break. You know how much it costs to drink alone at a bar five nights a week while you try to drown out the fact that you're unloveable? A lot. It costs a lot. I mean, that's what I've heard.
Health insurance? Single people are the ones who need to join up for health insurance. You know how much it costs to pay for STD tests every six months? Priced out Plan B pills lately? ("Next Choice" may be slightly cheaper but ya don't really wanna go with the generic option after sleeping with someone who was, well, the generic option.) Just sayin', a little Blue Cross action for singles sure would be nice.
And then there's the maternity/paternity leave thing. Breeders get paid leave to take care of babies while us single types have to just sit there and work straight through our entire (empty) lives. I'll cut you a deal on this one though: You get three months off to baby down BUT all us single people get three months of not having to deal with your lil' vomit machines. For three months, I get to walk on an airplane and kick all the babies off because it's my NON-PATERNITY LEAVE. For three months, I get to ban everyone I know from posting baby photos on Facebook and Instagram. Seriously, I open up that app lately and it looks like a nursery exploded inside my phone. (News flash: Your baby isn't cute because no babies are cute and, in fact, they all look the same and all that baby photo posting really just seems like a way for you to brag about yourself under the cloak of seeming nurturing and selfless. That baby pic is really just a selfie minus the self.)
Why is the government involved in this at all? Could it be that the government-industrial complex thinks marriage (and home ownership too) is a good way to lock people in place and prevents uprisings so it's decided to offer incentives that help convince people to surrender to a cultural norm that involves sacrificing freedom and participating in the charade that lifelong monogamy is natural/desirable while simultaneously ignoring the fact that marriage was actually created centuries ago as a system to bind women to men in order to guarantee paternity. Nah, that couldn't be it.
Anyway, my point: Let's separate love entirely from financial and legal benefits. Us single unlovables are already bitter enough...as you can see from this post.
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Single people are the ones who deserve tax breaks and health insurance
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BOO FUCKING HOO when you only get to have sex with the one person the same person for the rest of your now shortened life span, (I don't even have an over the counter option) that is when she's not too tired from chasing the children around who are pissing my hard earned drinking money on comedy albums from assholes like you, (fucking i-tunes)I can't even masturbate in peace...So yeah I'm gonna take fucking tax breaks thank you very much.
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