11/30/16
What doing standup comedy for a decade does to you
I wrote this: 10 years = 1 hour. What doing standup comedy for a decade does to you.
11/26/16
Matt Ruby headlines NY Comedy Club on 11/30/16
11/30/16 New York City
An Evening with Matt Ruby
Wednesday, November 30, 2016 7:00 PM
New York Comedy Club
Tickets ($5 tickets with discount code "MATT")
11/17/16
My Week at the Creek starts tonight
7pm tonight I start a Week at the Creek run at The Creek and The Cave. Each night until Monday (11/17-11/21), you can see me run my hour along with opening sets from funny folks like Neal Stastny, Sagar Bhatt, and Jonathan Morvay. Also, you can get nachos. You can also see me do the hour at New York Comedy Club on 11/30 and I'm taping the album at Comedians You Should Know in Chicago on 12/7. Info/tickets here.
11/8/16
How to record audio for a live standup comedy show
Tony Deyo is a funny comic (here's his Conan set) who recorded his album himself in a bunch of locations. I asked him about how he did that and he kindly wrote up some details on how to tape a live show...
--
Recording Yourself in a Comedy Club
To get a good recording in a club, your best option is to you grab the audio signal before it gets into the comedy club's audio system. There's a high likelihood that you'll pick up some noise if you're recording the vocal mic out of a club's soundboard. You're also at the mercy of whoever wants to adjust something on the board during your set.
In the picture below, you'll see a box that says "Splitter" on it. When you get to the club, you unplug the XLR cable from their microphone, and plug it into the side that has two XLR cables coming out of it. Then you take a long XLR that you brought with you, I think mine is 20 feet, and you plug it into the mic, and plug the other end into the side of the splitter that only has one cable. Then, one more short XLR goes from the splitter to your recorder. I use a Zoom H4n, pictured below. What this accomplishes, is that you get a perfect clean signal right from the mic, before it gets dirtied up by whatever system they have in place. You can also sound-check yourself beforehand to make sure your levels are correct... and nothing that they do on the board will change that on your recorder. Now, in an ideal world, there's a little bit of space between your recorder and the audience, and you can just use the H4n onboard mics to get the audience laughs. Often though, the audience is too close... so that's why I put an extra Zoom H2n recorder behind me. It takes some syncing in your audio program later, but you'll get the hang of it quickly if you're going to do everything yourself. Even better though, just hand off the recordings to an audio engineer and let that person sync and edit. I learned all that stuff myself, but it's kind of a big learning curve unless you're just interested in learning it... and then it's super-cool. I mix and edit in Logic Pro X, which is pretty inexpensive now. $100... maybe $200, but not bad. The industry standard is ProTools, but it's expensive.
So that's my set-up. It's an easy set-up once you get the hang of it. And the great thing is that once you own the equipment, you can record yourself every night until you get that perfect set... instead of worrying that you're only paying a guy to record on Friday and Saturday, and you HAVE to get it perfect one of those shows. It's too much pressure. Get the recorders, a splitter, some cables, a mic if you're picky... and you're all set. Ends up costing what you'd pay someone to record you anyway, and you get to keep all of the equipment and record as many times as you need to get the perfect set.
--
Recording Yourself in a Comedy Club
To get a good recording in a club, your best option is to you grab the audio signal before it gets into the comedy club's audio system. There's a high likelihood that you'll pick up some noise if you're recording the vocal mic out of a club's soundboard. You're also at the mercy of whoever wants to adjust something on the board during your set.
In the picture below, you'll see a box that says "Splitter" on it. When you get to the club, you unplug the XLR cable from their microphone, and plug it into the side that has two XLR cables coming out of it. Then you take a long XLR that you brought with you, I think mine is 20 feet, and you plug it into the mic, and plug the other end into the side of the splitter that only has one cable. Then, one more short XLR goes from the splitter to your recorder. I use a Zoom H4n, pictured below. What this accomplishes, is that you get a perfect clean signal right from the mic, before it gets dirtied up by whatever system they have in place. You can also sound-check yourself beforehand to make sure your levels are correct... and nothing that they do on the board will change that on your recorder. Now, in an ideal world, there's a little bit of space between your recorder and the audience, and you can just use the H4n onboard mics to get the audience laughs. Often though, the audience is too close... so that's why I put an extra Zoom H2n recorder behind me. It takes some syncing in your audio program later, but you'll get the hang of it quickly if you're going to do everything yourself. Even better though, just hand off the recordings to an audio engineer and let that person sync and edit. I learned all that stuff myself, but it's kind of a big learning curve unless you're just interested in learning it... and then it's super-cool. I mix and edit in Logic Pro X, which is pretty inexpensive now. $100... maybe $200, but not bad. The industry standard is ProTools, but it's expensive.
So that's my set-up. It's an easy set-up once you get the hang of it. And the great thing is that once you own the equipment, you can record yourself every night until you get that perfect set... instead of worrying that you're only paying a guy to record on Friday and Saturday, and you HAVE to get it perfect one of those shows. It's too much pressure. Get the recorders, a splitter, some cables, a mic if you're picky... and you're all set. Ends up costing what you'd pay someone to record you anyway, and you get to keep all of the equipment and record as many times as you need to get the perfect set.
11/7/16
I'm headlining shows in SF, NYC, and Chicago in the next month
I'm headlining some very cool shows in the next month. Come on out if you want to see me do an extended set!
11/9/16 San Francisco
Comedian Matt Ruby
Sam DiSalvo
Wed, November 9, 2016
Doors: 7:00 pm / Show: 8:00 pm
Doc's Lab
$10.00 - $12.00
Tickets
I'm also doing other shows in SF and BC this week:
11/30/16 New York City
An Evening with Matt Ruby
Wednesday, November 30, 2016 7:00 PM
New York Comedy Club
Tickets ($5 tickets with discount code "MATT")
12/7/16 Chicago
Live album taping!
Two shows at Comedians You Should Know
Timothy O'Toole's Pub
7:15 PM (doors at 6:30)
9:30 PM (doors at 9:15)
Tickets ($5 early bird discount code: "MATT5")
11/9/16 San Francisco
Comedian Matt Ruby
Sam DiSalvo
Wed, November 9, 2016
Doors: 7:00 pm / Show: 8:00 pm
Doc's Lab
$10.00 - $12.00
Tickets
I'm also doing other shows in SF and BC this week:
11/30/16 New York City
An Evening with Matt Ruby
Wednesday, November 30, 2016 7:00 PM
New York Comedy Club
Tickets ($5 tickets with discount code "MATT")
12/7/16 Chicago
Live album taping!
Two shows at Comedians You Should Know
Timothy O'Toole's Pub
7:15 PM (doors at 6:30)
9:30 PM (doors at 9:15)
Tickets ($5 early bird discount code: "MATT5")
10/26/16
Newsletter: Album taping in Chicago, Schtick shows (including Seeso show), Vooza interviews, west coast/NYC shows, and rants about the election
Hey! Lots going on – album taping in Chicago, Schtick shows (including Seeso show), Vooza interviews, west coast dates, NYC shows, rants about the election – so let's get to it...
Live album taping in Chicago in December
I'll be recording a standup album in Chicago on Wednesday, December 7 so if you're there come and if you know anyone there go ahead and tell 'em. Will be two shows that night at the awesome Comedians You Should Know show. Tix avail here and there's a $5 early bird discount code: MATT5
Schtick or Treat in NYC and LA this week – and on the TV
Our Schtick or Treat show is tonight in NYC at The Knitting Factory (show info/tickets). It's a NY Times Critic's Pick...
..and we're also doing it in LA for the first time this year! That show will be Sunday night (Oct 30) at The Virgil in LA (show info/tickets). Here's a writeup in LA Weekly. And I'm doing a full west coast swing (LA/SF/BC)...dates at end of email.
Also, the Schtick show we filmed a few months ago will debut on Seeso (NBC's new streaming comedy network) on Oct 27. They'll give you a free month trial so you can watch for free.
Interviews About Vooza
Couple of recent interviews I've done about our Vooza show that makes fun of the tech world and startups:
1) Traction Podcast: "Today, we talk to startup legend and self-made millionaire, Matt Ruby, founder of Vooza — thought leader, disruptor, and the next Steve Jobs. Alright, alright, so none of that is true — but we DO talk to a guy named Matt Ruby who parodies the startup world through his video production company, Vooza. Not only are they hilarious, but they partner with some REAL startups to create hilarious videos too."
2) I did another interview and now it's being presented as a "Masterclass" so basically I'm just like Aaron Sorkin and Werner Herzog.
3) I'm in character as idiot startup CEO in this interview with a Dutch broadcaster.
Also: Body language guru, Harvard psychologist, and TED star Amy Cuddy gives a shoutout to this "Power Pose" episode of Vooza in her new book "Presence."
NYC Shows
I'll be doing a special headliner show at NY Comedy Club on November 30 at 7pm. Last chance this year to see me do a full hour set in NYC! Tickets here.
And our HOT SOUP show is going strong every Tuesday night at Irish Exit. Last night we had a drop-in from Broad City's Ilana Glazer (photo).
Trump vs. Hillary
...and now here's some stuff I've written about the election. Follow me on Facebook or Twitter to see more.
Al Smith Dinner
Pretty sweet to see the political, religious, and business elite come together at that Al Smith Dinner. Totally backs up the separation of church and state when the Cardinal sits between the two presidential candidates. And I bet those journalists will do a great job of speaking truth to power as soon as they take off their tuxes, long white gloves, and ballgowns. And I appreciate how the most important guests are seated in tiers onstage so we get a physical representation of their relative status. Talk about a time saver! Yup, just a bunch of businessmen and politicians who definitely don't trade favors yukking it up at the Waldorf Astoria. Warms my heart to see these folks put aside their differences and come together to commemorate what truly matters: lavish displays of wealth disguised as charity. My only question: Does the creepy mask dungeon sex party take place before or after dessert?
Ivanka
Reality show idea: Ivanka hanging out for days with the people who show up at Trump rallies. Just discussing fashion trends, eating waffles in a diner, talking about her Jewish husband, etc.
Content
"How did their empire collapse?"
"Well, they used to have 'journalism' and then they traded it in for 'content.'"
Bones
Mad Men was watched by only 300,000 people every week. Same with Girls. Meanwhile, NCIS is watched by 20 million people every week. That’s how Trump is still in this. All those people who watch NCIS, CSI, and Bones are voting for him.
Keeping Hope Alive
Hope and change. Remember that? I know this time around it all seems awful and depressing. But let’s keep this in mind: This is what change looks like.
None of this terrible stuff is new. It’s just that we’re finally talking about it. Cops have been murdering black people for a long time. But now we’re finally talking about it. Powerful men have been taking advantage of women forever. But now those women are able to speak up and fight back.
The truth can’t be denied anymore. There are tapes now. We’ve got iPhones and hot mics. There is proof. The rocks are being overturned and the creatures that hide in the dark are being exposed. Of course they’re angry about it. Of course they’re lashing out. This is their death rattle.
The voices of the oppressed are amplified now. A black woman in the White House just told a powerful white man that his behavior is disgraceful and intolerable and the country responded with an overwhelming “Amen.” I mean, imagine that sentence even being written 30 years ago.
People keep talking about how depressing the news has been this year. And I get it. But sometimes the process has to be painful at first. When you travel to a foreign place, your body gets sick at first. When your body changes, there are growing pains at first. When you take mushrooms, your stomach feels nauseous at first. But then you get to the good stuff. You have to fight through that initial tumult to get to the transcendent part.
We’re not there yet. But we’re closer than ever before. For however bad it seems, it's also the best it’s ever been. And it’s getting better.
These are hopeful times. This is what change looks like. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
-Matt
P.S. Another episode of our Club Scale show (written/produced by me and starring Dan Soder and Joe List) just came out. Watch it.
P.P.S. Shows I'm doing on west coast swing upcoming. LA/SF/Victoria BC...
LOS ANGELES
Friday, October 28
8:00pm peachy keen @ bar lubitsch
Saturday, October 29
8:00pm Good Heroin @ Stories BooksandCafe
Sunday, October 30
8:00pm Schtick or Treat @ The Virgil (LA)
Monday, October 31
9:00pm Kibitz Room Comedy Show
9:30pm The Business @ Little Joy
Wednesday, November 2
8:00pm Goodnight LA @ Bar Lubitsch
8:00pm Party In The Back @ New California Barbershop
9:00pm Rod Stewart Live @ La Cuevita (Little Cave)
Thursday, November 3
9:00pm Comedy Palace
SAN FRANCISCO
Friday, November 4
11:59pm Night Moves @ Pianofight
Saturday, November 5
8:00pm The Setup @ The Beer Basement (SF)
10:00pm Cheaper Than Therapy @ Shelton Theater (SF)
Sunday, November 6
8:00pm SF Punchline
Monday, November 7
8:00pm Doc's Lab
8:00pm milk bar
Tuesday, November 8
8:00pm Club Milk
Wednesday, November 9
8:00pm - Doc's Lab
9:00pm - Real Live Comedians @ PianoFight
Thursday, November 10
8:00pm mission position @ Alamo Drafthouse
VICTORIA, BC
Friday, November 11
8:00pm Heckler's (Victoria, BC)
Saturday, November 12
8:00pm Heckler's (Victoria, BC)
Live album taping in Chicago in December
I'll be recording a standup album in Chicago on Wednesday, December 7 so if you're there come and if you know anyone there go ahead and tell 'em. Will be two shows that night at the awesome Comedians You Should Know show. Tix avail here and there's a $5 early bird discount code: MATT5
Schtick or Treat in NYC and LA this week – and on the TV
Our Schtick or Treat show is tonight in NYC at The Knitting Factory (show info/tickets). It's a NY Times Critic's Pick...
..and we're also doing it in LA for the first time this year! That show will be Sunday night (Oct 30) at The Virgil in LA (show info/tickets). Here's a writeup in LA Weekly. And I'm doing a full west coast swing (LA/SF/BC)...dates at end of email.
Also, the Schtick show we filmed a few months ago will debut on Seeso (NBC's new streaming comedy network) on Oct 27. They'll give you a free month trial so you can watch for free.
Interviews About Vooza
Couple of recent interviews I've done about our Vooza show that makes fun of the tech world and startups:
1) Traction Podcast: "Today, we talk to startup legend and self-made millionaire, Matt Ruby, founder of Vooza — thought leader, disruptor, and the next Steve Jobs. Alright, alright, so none of that is true — but we DO talk to a guy named Matt Ruby who parodies the startup world through his video production company, Vooza. Not only are they hilarious, but they partner with some REAL startups to create hilarious videos too."
2) I did another interview and now it's being presented as a "Masterclass" so basically I'm just like Aaron Sorkin and Werner Herzog.
3) I'm in character as idiot startup CEO in this interview with a Dutch broadcaster.
Also: Body language guru, Harvard psychologist, and TED star Amy Cuddy gives a shoutout to this "Power Pose" episode of Vooza in her new book "Presence."
NYC Shows
I'll be doing a special headliner show at NY Comedy Club on November 30 at 7pm. Last chance this year to see me do a full hour set in NYC! Tickets here.
And our HOT SOUP show is going strong every Tuesday night at Irish Exit. Last night we had a drop-in from Broad City's Ilana Glazer (photo).
Trump vs. Hillary
...and now here's some stuff I've written about the election. Follow me on Facebook or Twitter to see more.
Al Smith Dinner
Pretty sweet to see the political, religious, and business elite come together at that Al Smith Dinner. Totally backs up the separation of church and state when the Cardinal sits between the two presidential candidates. And I bet those journalists will do a great job of speaking truth to power as soon as they take off their tuxes, long white gloves, and ballgowns. And I appreciate how the most important guests are seated in tiers onstage so we get a physical representation of their relative status. Talk about a time saver! Yup, just a bunch of businessmen and politicians who definitely don't trade favors yukking it up at the Waldorf Astoria. Warms my heart to see these folks put aside their differences and come together to commemorate what truly matters: lavish displays of wealth disguised as charity. My only question: Does the creepy mask dungeon sex party take place before or after dessert?
Ivanka
Reality show idea: Ivanka hanging out for days with the people who show up at Trump rallies. Just discussing fashion trends, eating waffles in a diner, talking about her Jewish husband, etc.
Content
"How did their empire collapse?"
"Well, they used to have 'journalism' and then they traded it in for 'content.'"
Bones
Mad Men was watched by only 300,000 people every week. Same with Girls. Meanwhile, NCIS is watched by 20 million people every week. That’s how Trump is still in this. All those people who watch NCIS, CSI, and Bones are voting for him.
Keeping Hope Alive
Hope and change. Remember that? I know this time around it all seems awful and depressing. But let’s keep this in mind: This is what change looks like.
None of this terrible stuff is new. It’s just that we’re finally talking about it. Cops have been murdering black people for a long time. But now we’re finally talking about it. Powerful men have been taking advantage of women forever. But now those women are able to speak up and fight back.
The truth can’t be denied anymore. There are tapes now. We’ve got iPhones and hot mics. There is proof. The rocks are being overturned and the creatures that hide in the dark are being exposed. Of course they’re angry about it. Of course they’re lashing out. This is their death rattle.
The voices of the oppressed are amplified now. A black woman in the White House just told a powerful white man that his behavior is disgraceful and intolerable and the country responded with an overwhelming “Amen.” I mean, imagine that sentence even being written 30 years ago.
People keep talking about how depressing the news has been this year. And I get it. But sometimes the process has to be painful at first. When you travel to a foreign place, your body gets sick at first. When your body changes, there are growing pains at first. When you take mushrooms, your stomach feels nauseous at first. But then you get to the good stuff. You have to fight through that initial tumult to get to the transcendent part.
We’re not there yet. But we’re closer than ever before. For however bad it seems, it's also the best it’s ever been. And it’s getting better.
These are hopeful times. This is what change looks like. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
-Matt
P.S. Another episode of our Club Scale show (written/produced by me and starring Dan Soder and Joe List) just came out. Watch it.
P.P.S. Shows I'm doing on west coast swing upcoming. LA/SF/Victoria BC...
LOS ANGELES
Friday, October 28
8:00pm peachy keen @ bar lubitsch
Saturday, October 29
8:00pm Good Heroin @ Stories BooksandCafe
Sunday, October 30
8:00pm Schtick or Treat @ The Virgil (LA)
Monday, October 31
9:00pm Kibitz Room Comedy Show
9:30pm The Business @ Little Joy
Wednesday, November 2
8:00pm Goodnight LA @ Bar Lubitsch
8:00pm Party In The Back @ New California Barbershop
9:00pm Rod Stewart Live @ La Cuevita (Little Cave)
Thursday, November 3
9:00pm Comedy Palace
SAN FRANCISCO
Friday, November 4
11:59pm Night Moves @ Pianofight
Saturday, November 5
8:00pm The Setup @ The Beer Basement (SF)
10:00pm Cheaper Than Therapy @ Shelton Theater (SF)
Sunday, November 6
8:00pm SF Punchline
Monday, November 7
8:00pm Doc's Lab
8:00pm milk bar
Tuesday, November 8
8:00pm Club Milk
Wednesday, November 9
8:00pm - Doc's Lab
9:00pm - Real Live Comedians @ PianoFight
Thursday, November 10
8:00pm mission position @ Alamo Drafthouse
VICTORIA, BC
Friday, November 11
8:00pm Heckler's (Victoria, BC)
Saturday, November 12
8:00pm Heckler's (Victoria, BC)
10/20/16
10 lessons from standup comedy to make you a better speaker
I wrote this piece about how normal folks can use lessons from standup comedy to connect with audiences in business settings, etc.
9/21/16
I give a "masterclass" on how to give good video
I did a Skype interview and now it's being presented as a "Masterclass" so basically I'm just like Aaron Sorkin and Werner Herzog.
More interviews/press about Vooza.
What is it, you will ask? It’s the video content! Your marketing strategy needs video content like a breath of fresh air. And I’ve interviewed Matt Ruby, the CEO of Vooza to give you the perfect understanding of how to make promotional videos that sell.
More interviews/press about Vooza.
9/12/16
8/5/16
Music festivals, traffic, Trump, bomb robots, etc.
Just sent out this email newsletter. (Subscribe here.)
The Media
I wish all these goofs complaining about "the media" would realize there are only like 30 real journalists left in this entire nation and "the media" is actually a bunch of millennials who live in Greenpoint who copy/paste tweets, then A/B test 30 different outrageous headlines, and then go to open mics to do jokes about Game of Thrones. They're as incredulous as you are that anyone is paying attention to anything they do and the only reason they have a platform at all is because y'all clicked on a video of people putting rubber bands on a watermelon until it breaks.
Music Festivals
I liked it better before music festivals took over summers and you could actually see a band you love in a decent venue instead of having to take a ferry to stand in a muddy field next to a bunch of mooks on molly and chicks taking flower crown selfies all so you can barely see a schizo shuffle "I like everything that's popular" lineup perform on the CitiSamsungPepsiToyota stage.
Judaism and Yo Mamma
"So you're Jewish?"
"Actually, I'm more of an atheist."
"But is your mom Jewish?"
"Yes."
"Then you're a Jew."
Judaism is like the Hotel California of religion...I can check out anytime I like but I can never leave.
Traffic
Advice to suburban people: Never complain to New Yorkers about being stuck in traffic. We get it, traffic sucks – but it ain't no subway. You're "stuck" in a personal cocoon of safety where you get to control the temperature, music, and make phone calls. We ain't gonna feel bad for you until you got a homeless dude in the backseat and some half-eaten chicken wings lying around and an unidentifiable smell and an announcement every 10 minutes about how unwanted sexual conduct shouldn’t be a part of your commute. Until then, you may as well be riding in a golden chariot as far as we're concerned.
Osama
Crazy how everything is going EXACTLY how Osama hoped it would go. This diabetic goon hiding out in the desert whose only real weapon was videotaped speeches got 18 mooks with boxcutters together and set a trap for us and we fell right into it and invaded and keep doing drone strikes that are terrorism fertilizer and he's gonna get his clash of civilizations that's impossible for us to win and meanwhile we got W. swaying at funerals and singing gospel songs like he ain't been 100% punked out.
Cops
I hate how these cops getting shot by lone-wolf randos is distracting us from the systemic issues in policing.
"The OVERWHELMING amount of cops are good people."
The guards in the Stanford Prison Experiment were good people too. It's the job and having power that creates the problem.
“We can’t tell what happened on that video.”
It doesn’t matter what happened in that one video. It’s about ALL the videos. It’s about the pattern. It’s about the metadata. Things are not working.
“Cops aren’t racist. That MN cop who shot him was hispanic. The Freddy Gray cop in Baltimore was black.”
It's not that all (or most) cops are racist. It's that they are on the front line of enforcing a judicial system that is unfairly skewed against black people.
The war on drugs unfairly targets black communities - see ridic crack vs. powder cocaine sentencing disparity that existed for years. The for-profit prison industry forces us to fill vacancies in perverse criminal hotels and when beds need to be filled you know who gets targeted first. And once someone's a convict, good luck getting back on track. And then police forces like the one in Ferguson get revenue by disproportionately ticketing black people and then minor offenses turn into arrest warrants and then…well, you get it.
Basically, our society forces cops to be the tip of the sword that enforces a corrupt system. Inevitably, things go wrong with that. Every traffic stop or stop-and-frisk increases the odds that there will be a violent encounter. It’s shitty all the way around.
Now, it’d be one thing if cops were willing to admit that things go wrong or that cops can get out of hand. But they never do. We have a code of silence among the people sworn to protect us. They care more about covering up for their buddies than justice.
And everyone can see it. Cameras mean white people are finally realizing what black people have known for years. “My body cam fell off as I was shooting this black man who was selling CDs. Oops!” C’mon. It’s insulting.
That is why people are protesting. Because cops are behaving like gangs or the mafia and not like people who are out there to protect us. As long as all cops automatically cover up for each other, they will get lumped together as conspirators.
Craziest thing is we don’t even have a way to measure how many people get shot by cops. You only improve what you measure. And yet we still need reporters to track down the number of police shootings instead of having the government keep a database. Did you know the government measures the victims of unprovoked shark attacks? Maybe we’ll get some answers if there are some shark-and-frisks.
The guy who shoots cops faces justice. The cops who shoot black men never face justice. They don't get convicted. In our courts, police get away with everything and black men get away with nothing unless they're OJ.
I'm not anti-cop, I'm pro-justice. And right now, the police are the front lines of an unfair criminal justice system and deserve to be called out for it. Sure, I feel bad for the good cops out there. But I care more about justice. And when the good guys repeatedly demonstrate they don’t care about justice, I start to think that maybe they’re not the good guys.
That Bomb Robot
very sad those cops got shot but good lord it's terrifying that we got militarized police departments that dress up like storm troopers and also have the ability to explode people with bomb robots. seriously, we can’t get a robot that tases or uses tear gas or knows kung fu? we got self driving cars so this seems like nice tech to get because it keeps police from being executioners and maybe they’re doing enough of that already and also there is a reason cops and judges are different people. crazy how our society is having less and less faith in police officers while simultaneously giving them increasingly powerful weapons. kinda like saying, "you keep running over people...here's a bigger, faster car!" at the very least, i'd like some guidelines on when it’s ok for cops to disappear people rather than JUST USE YOUR DISCRETION WITH YOUR NIGHTMARE DYSTOPIAN FUTURE ROBOT, MR POLICEMAN.
Vampire Trump
You get it, right? Donald Trump doesn’t actually want to be President. The job would be a nightmare for him. As if he’d wake up every morning and reach a bunch of briefings and reports. C’mon.
He doesn’t care about any of the things he pretends to care about. He doesn’t actually think Obama is from Kenya. He’s not actually going to build a wall. He’s just spouting a bunch of right wing talk radio talking points because he saw a gap between what people loved hearing from talkshow hosts and what they were getting from politicians. There was shelf space on the right.
What he actually wants is for the word “Trump” to be said by as any people as possible. It’s all he’s wanted for his entire life. Each headline or tweet with his name in it feeds him. There is no such thing as bad publicity to him.
He is a ghoul vampire who thinks that every time someone says or reads the word “Trump” his soul will gain another year of immortality.
Rage on all you want. Your hatred feeds the beast. To him, your rage is as good as love. The more you say ANYTHING about him out loud, the more you make him feel alive.
Lobby
INT HOTEL LOBBY
I'm standing there talking to someone I'm trying to impress. A stranger approaches...
"Hey, do I know you?"
"Well, I'm a standup comic."
"I don't think that's it."
"I got this show named Vooza. Maybe you've seen that?"
"Nah, I'm a bartender."
"Oh."
"I think you used to come into the bar I worked at all the time."
"I don't really hang out at bars that much."
"Walter's in Fort Greene."
"Yeah, that's it."
Have a swell weekend.
Want emails like this sent to you? Join my email list.
The Media
I wish all these goofs complaining about "the media" would realize there are only like 30 real journalists left in this entire nation and "the media" is actually a bunch of millennials who live in Greenpoint who copy/paste tweets, then A/B test 30 different outrageous headlines, and then go to open mics to do jokes about Game of Thrones. They're as incredulous as you are that anyone is paying attention to anything they do and the only reason they have a platform at all is because y'all clicked on a video of people putting rubber bands on a watermelon until it breaks.
Music Festivals
I liked it better before music festivals took over summers and you could actually see a band you love in a decent venue instead of having to take a ferry to stand in a muddy field next to a bunch of mooks on molly and chicks taking flower crown selfies all so you can barely see a schizo shuffle "I like everything that's popular" lineup perform on the CitiSamsungPepsiToyota stage.
Judaism and Yo Mamma
"So you're Jewish?"
"Actually, I'm more of an atheist."
"But is your mom Jewish?"
"Yes."
"Then you're a Jew."
Judaism is like the Hotel California of religion...I can check out anytime I like but I can never leave.
Traffic
Advice to suburban people: Never complain to New Yorkers about being stuck in traffic. We get it, traffic sucks – but it ain't no subway. You're "stuck" in a personal cocoon of safety where you get to control the temperature, music, and make phone calls. We ain't gonna feel bad for you until you got a homeless dude in the backseat and some half-eaten chicken wings lying around and an unidentifiable smell and an announcement every 10 minutes about how unwanted sexual conduct shouldn’t be a part of your commute. Until then, you may as well be riding in a golden chariot as far as we're concerned.
Osama
Crazy how everything is going EXACTLY how Osama hoped it would go. This diabetic goon hiding out in the desert whose only real weapon was videotaped speeches got 18 mooks with boxcutters together and set a trap for us and we fell right into it and invaded and keep doing drone strikes that are terrorism fertilizer and he's gonna get his clash of civilizations that's impossible for us to win and meanwhile we got W. swaying at funerals and singing gospel songs like he ain't been 100% punked out.
Cops
I hate how these cops getting shot by lone-wolf randos is distracting us from the systemic issues in policing.
"The OVERWHELMING amount of cops are good people."
The guards in the Stanford Prison Experiment were good people too. It's the job and having power that creates the problem.
“We can’t tell what happened on that video.”
It doesn’t matter what happened in that one video. It’s about ALL the videos. It’s about the pattern. It’s about the metadata. Things are not working.
“Cops aren’t racist. That MN cop who shot him was hispanic. The Freddy Gray cop in Baltimore was black.”
It's not that all (or most) cops are racist. It's that they are on the front line of enforcing a judicial system that is unfairly skewed against black people.
The war on drugs unfairly targets black communities - see ridic crack vs. powder cocaine sentencing disparity that existed for years. The for-profit prison industry forces us to fill vacancies in perverse criminal hotels and when beds need to be filled you know who gets targeted first. And once someone's a convict, good luck getting back on track. And then police forces like the one in Ferguson get revenue by disproportionately ticketing black people and then minor offenses turn into arrest warrants and then…well, you get it.
Basically, our society forces cops to be the tip of the sword that enforces a corrupt system. Inevitably, things go wrong with that. Every traffic stop or stop-and-frisk increases the odds that there will be a violent encounter. It’s shitty all the way around.
Now, it’d be one thing if cops were willing to admit that things go wrong or that cops can get out of hand. But they never do. We have a code of silence among the people sworn to protect us. They care more about covering up for their buddies than justice.
And everyone can see it. Cameras mean white people are finally realizing what black people have known for years. “My body cam fell off as I was shooting this black man who was selling CDs. Oops!” C’mon. It’s insulting.
That is why people are protesting. Because cops are behaving like gangs or the mafia and not like people who are out there to protect us. As long as all cops automatically cover up for each other, they will get lumped together as conspirators.
Craziest thing is we don’t even have a way to measure how many people get shot by cops. You only improve what you measure. And yet we still need reporters to track down the number of police shootings instead of having the government keep a database. Did you know the government measures the victims of unprovoked shark attacks? Maybe we’ll get some answers if there are some shark-and-frisks.
The guy who shoots cops faces justice. The cops who shoot black men never face justice. They don't get convicted. In our courts, police get away with everything and black men get away with nothing unless they're OJ.
I'm not anti-cop, I'm pro-justice. And right now, the police are the front lines of an unfair criminal justice system and deserve to be called out for it. Sure, I feel bad for the good cops out there. But I care more about justice. And when the good guys repeatedly demonstrate they don’t care about justice, I start to think that maybe they’re not the good guys.
That Bomb Robot
very sad those cops got shot but good lord it's terrifying that we got militarized police departments that dress up like storm troopers and also have the ability to explode people with bomb robots. seriously, we can’t get a robot that tases or uses tear gas or knows kung fu? we got self driving cars so this seems like nice tech to get because it keeps police from being executioners and maybe they’re doing enough of that already and also there is a reason cops and judges are different people. crazy how our society is having less and less faith in police officers while simultaneously giving them increasingly powerful weapons. kinda like saying, "you keep running over people...here's a bigger, faster car!" at the very least, i'd like some guidelines on when it’s ok for cops to disappear people rather than JUST USE YOUR DISCRETION WITH YOUR NIGHTMARE DYSTOPIAN FUTURE ROBOT, MR POLICEMAN.
Vampire Trump
You get it, right? Donald Trump doesn’t actually want to be President. The job would be a nightmare for him. As if he’d wake up every morning and reach a bunch of briefings and reports. C’mon.
He doesn’t care about any of the things he pretends to care about. He doesn’t actually think Obama is from Kenya. He’s not actually going to build a wall. He’s just spouting a bunch of right wing talk radio talking points because he saw a gap between what people loved hearing from talkshow hosts and what they were getting from politicians. There was shelf space on the right.
What he actually wants is for the word “Trump” to be said by as any people as possible. It’s all he’s wanted for his entire life. Each headline or tweet with his name in it feeds him. There is no such thing as bad publicity to him.
He is a ghoul vampire who thinks that every time someone says or reads the word “Trump” his soul will gain another year of immortality.
Rage on all you want. Your hatred feeds the beast. To him, your rage is as good as love. The more you say ANYTHING about him out loud, the more you make him feel alive.
Lobby
INT HOTEL LOBBY
I'm standing there talking to someone I'm trying to impress. A stranger approaches...
"Hey, do I know you?"
"Well, I'm a standup comic."
"I don't think that's it."
"I got this show named Vooza. Maybe you've seen that?"
"Nah, I'm a bartender."
"Oh."
"I think you used to come into the bar I worked at all the time."
"I don't really hang out at bars that much."
"Walter's in Fort Greene."
"Yeah, that's it."
Have a swell weekend.
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8/2/16
Advice for writing Vooza episodes
FYI, I sent this to folks who write for Vooza.
--
Advice for winning Vooza eps:
* Keep scripts short. Finished video under 2mins is ideal. 90secs feels like
sweet spot but shorter works too. 3-3.5mins is upper range of what’s doable.
* The fewer characters, the better.
* The fewer locations, the better.
* Using existing cast members is ideal but occasional guests are possible.
* Think about how to tell jokes visually via editing/visuals/etc instead of just relying on dialogue
* Videos should relate to startups/tech world. The more we can riff off a real-life scenario that startups face, the better.
* Think about what will be shared. Funny is great but sometimes “I was thinking it but they said it” is just as good for getting people to spread video.
* Parody of popular video formats can be effective (e.g. parodying a famous movie scene or popular online video format – like those recipe videos with only hands in them or Facebook videos with text all over ‘em or Apple product intro videos)
* Mockumentary style videos (with interviewer offscreen) or more traditional sketch can work.
* Too many jokes can be distracting. It’s fine to identify the “game of the scene” and just drilling down on that one concept.
* Inspiration for tone: Portlandia, Key & Peele, Mitchell & Webb,
Christopher Guest movies, etc.
* Happy to provide feedback to simple ideas, rough scripts, paragraph “treatment” of episode, etc. No need to polish up a “perfect version” before showing.
* Top episodes of 2015 fyi: http://vooza.com/top-10-vooza-videos-of-2015/
* Don’t try to do too much. One good joke that really nails it is better than a sprawling episode. Good example: http://vooza.com/videos/hackathon/
6/29/16
6/27/16
Brexit, Lebron, Facebook, Bill Cunningham, Schtick, etc.
My latest emailer covers Brexit, Lebron, Facebook, Bill Cunningham, Schtick or Treat for SeeSo! (tonight!), HOT SOUP, and Vooza. Get up on it. Subscribe.
6/20/16
New Yorkers don't understand how much sports means to midwesterners
New Yorkers don't understand how much sports means to midwesterners.
In the midwest, the celeb 8x10 on the wall of the pizza place is the local newscaster. That's the most famous person around, the guy who does the weather. There, you are a big celebrity if you've been on Law & Order. In NYC, your waitress has been on Law & Order.
When the local sports team makes the playoffs, a midwestern city stops. Watching that game is what the city is doing that night. Yes, the entire city. Were you planning on performing that night? Sorry, that's not a thing anymore. Everyone will be at a sports bar. Actually, every bar becomes a sports bar. And there is a DJ who plays jock jams when the game goes to commercial. Gary Glitter is played and people scream "hey" and none of it is ironic.
There is real investment. Jerseys are worn. People sulk and hurt when their team is eliminated. They rejoice and honk horns all night when they win. In New York, we have no horns to honk.
Lebron gets it. He knew that winning would mean more to Cleveland than it could ever possibly mean to Miami, where people leave before the game ends because they have to go tan and do cocaine and promote their cool party (see, everyone in Miami is a promoter).
New Yorkers won't ever get that highest of highs that sports can deliver because that intense high comes from a place of desperation. A yearning to escape, if just for a night. To be a real player. One on the big boys.
In NYC, we are always a big boy. We have too many options. Sure, we may root for the Yankees. But when they lose, we shrug and go out and do one of the 238 other cool things there are to do in NYC that night. When Cleveland loses, they have to go back to living in Cleveland.
So I'm happy today. I'm happy for Cleveland. They got a championship. And I'm happy for everyone else too because hey, we don't live in Cleveland.
In the midwest, the celeb 8x10 on the wall of the pizza place is the local newscaster. That's the most famous person around, the guy who does the weather. There, you are a big celebrity if you've been on Law & Order. In NYC, your waitress has been on Law & Order.
When the local sports team makes the playoffs, a midwestern city stops. Watching that game is what the city is doing that night. Yes, the entire city. Were you planning on performing that night? Sorry, that's not a thing anymore. Everyone will be at a sports bar. Actually, every bar becomes a sports bar. And there is a DJ who plays jock jams when the game goes to commercial. Gary Glitter is played and people scream "hey" and none of it is ironic.
There is real investment. Jerseys are worn. People sulk and hurt when their team is eliminated. They rejoice and honk horns all night when they win. In New York, we have no horns to honk.
Lebron gets it. He knew that winning would mean more to Cleveland than it could ever possibly mean to Miami, where people leave before the game ends because they have to go tan and do cocaine and promote their cool party (see, everyone in Miami is a promoter).
New Yorkers won't ever get that highest of highs that sports can deliver because that intense high comes from a place of desperation. A yearning to escape, if just for a night. To be a real player. One on the big boys.
In NYC, we are always a big boy. We have too many options. Sure, we may root for the Yankees. But when they lose, we shrug and go out and do one of the 238 other cool things there are to do in NYC that night. When Cleveland loses, they have to go back to living in Cleveland.
So I'm happy today. I'm happy for Cleveland. They got a championship. And I'm happy for everyone else too because hey, we don't live in Cleveland.
6/1/16
We remember what is repeatable
Persuasion expert on what makes Trump so effective. Relates to standup too.
Reminds me of "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit" or Chris Rock's technique of repeating stuff onstage ("Now I'm not saying he should have killed her...but I understand") or insert a non-OJ related example here.
2. We remember not only what is repeated, but what is repeatable.
It is intuitive to believe that repetition leads to memory. And we tend to repeat what is repeatable. But what makes a message easily repeatable? Science demonstrates that one of the criteria for a repeatable message is portability.
Take famous movie lines, such as “Say hello to my little friend” (Scarface), “You talking to me?” (Taxi Driver), “I’ll have what she’s having” (When Harry Met Sally) – these phrases contain simple words that can be used in many contexts, beyond their original habitat.
Analyzing Trump’s and Hillary’s message – it is easy to repeat “Make America Great Again” – simple syntax and we can replace the word “America” with something else and use it in different contexts, from trivial to serious (Make pancakes great again or Make democracy great again). For Hillary…we don’t know what her message is and what we should repeat. Ironically, her home page repeats Trump’s name…
Reminds me of "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit" or Chris Rock's technique of repeating stuff onstage ("Now I'm not saying he should have killed her...but I understand") or insert a non-OJ related example here.
5/20/16
Vooza turns 150
Holy moly, we've made 150 (!) episodes of our Vooza show. Crazy. Here's the 150th which is about the latest pukey buzzword in the tech world: Storytelling. Good time to say I'm so proud of the awesome/hilarious team that makes it all happen. It's so cool to be able to give comics I love a platform to show what they can do (especially when they take some pretty iffy scripts and spin 'em into gold). And Jesse Scaturro is a hero who does an amazing job directing and editing it all. Can't believe this lil' experiment has turned into a legit show with millions of views and led to companies like Turkish Airlines and Mailchimp hiring us to make cool shit for them and it's kinda been like film school for me so thanks to everyone involved. More fun stuff on the way too. Onward!
5/10/16
5/9/16
You show the fat lady approaching, then you show the banana peel...
Great story about a conversation between the Hollywood screenwriter Charles MacArthur and Charlie Chaplin.
via MQ
“How, for example, could I make a fat lady, walking down Fifth Avenue, slip on a banana peel and still get a laugh? It’s been done a million times,” said MacArthur. “What’s the best way to get the laugh? Do I show first the banana peel, then the fat lady approaching, then she slips? Or do I show the fat lady first, then the banana peel, and then she slips?”
“Neither,” said Chaplin without a moment’s hesitation. “You show the fat lady approaching; then you show the banana peel; then you show the fat lady and the banana peel together; then she steps over the banana peel and disappears down a manhole.”
via MQ
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