10 things: Napa Valley, Ms. Hawaiian Tropic, pine trees, etc.

Some people call Napa Valley "wine country." I like to call it "drunk driving country."

Ms. Hawaiian Tropic 2007 is actually two contests in one: The winner is also Ms. Skin Cancer 2030.

When life gives you lemons, ask to speak to the manager.

I'm outsourcing all my masturbation. I have this guy named Raj who lives in India do it for me. But when he does it, he tells me his name is Karen.

I have a friend who keeps bitching about his outstanding warrant. I think he should shut up. After all, his warrant is outstanding.

Backhanded compliments suck. Unless you are playing tennis. Then they're perfect. "That was a pretty good shot...y'know, for a backhand." Or "You serve really hard, for a girl!"

The biggest fear for any guy about to shave off all his hair for the first time: That his head is shaped like Sam Cassell's.

People who use the term "African-American" are racist. Because that's the clearest way to show that you never actually hang out with black people. Let me know next time you hear a black person say, "What up African-American?"

I don't get pine tree cleaning products. A pine forest isn't clean. Nowhere is dirtier than a forest. "Wow, your kitchen must be clean since it smells just like a place that is covered in dirt! And is that cesspool scented dishwasher detergent you using? I love that smell."

A friend of mine says he's a total Nazi about grammar. That's odd, cuz you know what I'm a total Nazi about? Killing jews. I'm a total Hitler that way.

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