More answers to Stupid Ass Questions

Below is the rest of my Q&A as resident expert over at Stupid Ass Questions the other week. They supply really dumb questions, I supply answers (question #1 here):

2. Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My toe hurts real bad. I stubbed it the other day and it still is killing me. Do you think I could go to the grocery store and have a bunch of cans fall off the shelf and say one got me on the toe? I don't have any medical insurance so it would be easier if someone else paid it instead. Also, I could ask for a little more just so I won’t sue them.

This is a great plan! Make sure you do it real slapstick like though. I want it to look like a Benny Hill episode! So bring your boombox (an iPod w/ speakers could work too) and play some silly music. Then start acting goofy. Like you might be unstable. Knock over a woman's cart! Yell "This is why the sky is yellow!" And then head for the peas. You can't just do cans of anything. Peas. Cans of peas. And then knock a ton of them off the shelf and roll around and imagine that you're Andy Dick or Mr. Bean or Geraldo Rivera. That's the way to pull off this caper. Caper, now there's a word that's not used often enough. Well, I guess the food word is used often enough. Funny how capers are these things you can put on a fish or this big scheme you try to pull off. I wonder if there's ever been a caper caper! You know, like a group of criminals gets together to pull off a big heist of a place that bottles capers. We could call it the Great Caper Caper. Everyone would need code names. And masks. Like in Reservoir Dogs or Point Break. Too bad Keanu wasn't in Reservoir Dogs. Like a virgin! Remember when they talked about that? That was a fun scene. May peas be with you!!!!

3. SAQ’s.com: I bought deodorant and still get b.o. all the time. My friends and family all make fun of me. Am I doing something wrong? Also, am I supposed to take the cap off when I use it? The instructions inside didn’t say to and I thought leaving the cap on would make it last longer.

Oh man. Wow. I know how you feel, man. I use products all the time without taking the cap off. Sometimes I brush my teeth and I just put the whole tube in my mouth. Or I'll drink apple juice but leave the cap on and really just lick the outside of the bottle. Also, I'll sometimes take a bottle of pills and swallow them all and try to commit suicide. But then I'll remember that I left the cap on. So I didn't really attempt suicide at all. But I tell everyone I did. That way they feel sorry for me. And I get attention. I like attention. Maybe it's because my parents didn't love me enough. They were off doing their own thing a lot. My dad wasn't really talkative, ya know? But I still love him. He'd take me to baseball games once in a while but he'd just sit there and read the newspaper the whole time. He didn't care about baseball. What I don't get is anti-perspirant. It actually makes me STOP sweating? That's weird. And it's all sticky and stuff. Nah, I'll take the regular old deodorant myself. I use Tom's of Maine deodorant. And toothpaste too. In fact, the other week someone asked me what kind of toothpaste I use. I meant to say Tom's of Maine but what came out of my mouth was "Uncle Tom's." That's a tough one to cover up. "Yeah, um, haven't you noticed that my teeth have been ACTING white lately???" So yeah, try taking that cap off and see if life changes. That's the only way to figure out stuff in life: Try it and see if the result is better than the other way. Science!

4. Stupidassquestions: A friend invited me for dinner but I don’t want to go. Her whole family eats with their mouths open and food goes flying everywhere including in my food. Couldn’t I get Aids from them? How do I politely get out of this disgusting and unsanitary dinner party?

Whoa, this family seems like a real piece of work. For one thing, they eat with their mouths open. For another thing, they have AIDS! Talk about 0 for 2. It's especially rude when people have diseases, I think. I wish they would stop doing that. Hey, disease boy! You know what you should try? Health! Yeah, try NOT having a disease. You ever think about that, tough guy? Why don't you just tell that disease "I'm not interested." Yeah, that's the way to deal with these things. There's a lyric in a Luna song that goes "Living with sick people makes me feel so strong." Maybe you should take advantage of this mouthtacular in order to feel better about yourself. You can just think of yourself as the best in the room at eating with your mouth closed and not having AIDS. Well, I don't know if you'd be the best in the room at not having AIDS. You would probably just be tied with everyone else in the room who doesn't have AIDS. It's kind of a binary thing. On or off. Zeroes and ones. That's the way I see the world. Black and white. No gray. How come sometimes you spell grey like that with an "e" and sometimes it's gray with an "a." I think the "e" way seems more British. Bad teeth! One time I told a joke about Scott Baio and there were two guys from England in the front row and one shouted out "Who's Scott Baio?" I asked, "Didn't you have Happy Days in England?" But they didn't know I meant the TV show Happy Days. To them, it sounded like I thought they had never had a single happy day in their entire lives. Because they didn't know who Scott Baio was. Like that would be such a crippling blow. "All this rain and no Chachi!? How will I go on?" Brits! Can't live with them, can't water their flowers unless they give you the key to their apartment.

5. Dear Stupid Ass Questions: A good client of mine is constantly sending me pictures of her children. God only knows why, I never indicated I wanted them. So far I have thrown them all away in the circular file. Just yesterday she calls and says she will be in the area and is stopping for a visit and place an order. Then she says, I have an adorable picture of the kids for you to add to your collection. Holy crap, what do I do?

Well, the first thing I need to know is what you do for a living. If your job is, say, putting together photo albums of people's children – well, maybe that's why she's sending you pictures of her children. Or maybe you're a plastic surgeon. Then she might be sending you photos of her kids hoping that you'll perform surgery on them some day. Boy, plastic surgery. That stuff really works. People get it and they look SO much better. They are taut. Like a sail in the wind. Full speed ahead! And botox. That's a fun one. I think they put the stuff that makes you sick when cans have dents in them into a needle and then inject it into your skin. Me, I can't stand needles. I hate doctors too. I once had a cat that hated going to the vet. He'd make quite a ruckus when we took him! He also liked to bite strangers who came into our house. But he'd lure them into it by circling around their ankles and waiting until they tripped over him. And then he'd bite them. I always thought that was very thoughtful of him. To entrap them into "the first punch." His name was Couscous. No, not named after the food. Named after Inspector Couscous from a Richard Scarry story. He was a dog that dressed up like a dancer to foil a crime syndicate. Cross dressing in a little kids story. Don't see that everyday. My little nephew reads Richard Scarry now. This kid is funny. He saw his mom drinking something and asked what it was. She replied, "Red wine." He said, "Give me some. I need it." He NEEDS it!? A little two year-old alkie! How about that? He can enter AA and nursery school at the same time. Why is god stuff part of AA? Can't you quit drinking even if you don't believe in god? Or is it mandatory for atheists to be...is it on the wagon or off the wagon? I can never remember which is the good one and which is the bad one. I mean sobriety and drunkenness. I can never remember which one of those is the good one and which is the bad one. Hmm, maybe you should just show her a bunch of pictures of other people's kids. And then go, "Surprise!" And have a bunch of people there and turn it into a party. She'll forget all about the photo thing then. Maybe you'll even get a conga line going. Wishes can become dreams if you just let the rainbows into your water filter. That's what Couscous used to say anyway. Mazel tov!