I'm everyone on Facebook

Hey! I'm everyone on Facebook. I'm grateful for how amazing this year was. I use a photo of my child as my profile picture. My identity is wrapped up 100% in this other human being and that is totally healthy. Kimye!!!! Gun control!!!!! Jay Z talking to an old lady on the subway!!!! Exclamation points!!!!!!

Here's what I'm listening to on Spotify. I have GOOD TASTE. Did you see that proposal where the guy hired a marching band? I cried! I bet that marriage will last FOREVER because the best way to show you truly love someone is to use them as a prop in your bid to make a video go viral since your improv group didn't really go anywhere. Watch this documentary on animal dictators. We NEED to do something about that issue I just forgot about. I don't understand economics but here's a link to a Paul Krugman editorial.

LOOK AT ME. At a wedding I went to. At a vacation I went on. At dinner. With my girls doing karaoke last night! I heart karaoke because it's like being a performer and people pay attention to you but you don't have to work hard or be talented. Afterward, we all commented on each other's photos: "You look gorgeous." "No, YOU look gorgeous." I just changed my status to IN A RELATIONSHIP. I hope people who rejected me in the past see that and feel bad. I am THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY. There is an icon of a heart next to my name now. That is the same as love.

I am OFFENDED by what someone said. Delta airlines lost my bag. I have OPINIONS about the news. This is my good side. Baby photo! Go local sports team! Beyoncé. The Elders of Zion are meeting at the Denver Airport. I just invited you to an event. Breaking Bad!! I find privacy settings confusing. I am a human being desperate for connection. Instagram wants to sell my photos to Al Qaeda.

I am SO grateful to you. I have edited out all the bad stuff from my life and presented the rest here. I am a Disney version of myself. Tag me! LIKE me! LIKE THIS! I'm worthwhile! Validate me, internet! VALIDATE ME! I am TRYING. Happy New Year!!!!!!

COME TO MY SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. I forgot to mention: Someone famous DIED recently. I am SAD about this and this is my way of making it ALL ABOUT ME.

P.P.S. Whoops, forgot this too: Please vote for me in this online voting contest for a publication/corporation that is using me as a shill to increase its page views/social media exposure. Also, don't forget to donate to my Kickstarter project where I ask you to support my "art" that no actual consumer is willing to pay for. Thanks! You guyz rock!!!!

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4 Comment(s)

Anonymous aalap said...

You look gorgeous.

1/1/13, 2:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Depressed emo post about myself so everyone will tell me how wonderful I am.

1/1/13, 6:40 PM  
Blogger Matt Ruby said...

"Depressed emo post about myself so everyone will tell me how wonderful I am."

Yes, that condition is sometimes referred to as "the motivation of all comedians."

1/1/13, 7:00 PM  
Blogger Mike Blejer said...

Let's not forget "Check out my new blog post, it's like a status update but longer!"

1/2/13, 2:54 AM  


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