Samoan salad bowls, fondue sets, and other wedding registry idiocy

Wedding registries are annoying. God forbid I buy you something heartfelt or sincere when you can offer me up a checklist of ridiculously stupid things that you'll never use. "Here's the Samoan Salad Bowls you registered for. Sure, of course, you need the entire 28-piece set. Really, how else would you celebrate your nonexistent love of Samoan culture?"

Couples argue, "It's things that we need to build our life together." Bullshit.
These aren't items that people need. These are items that people fantasize about needing. Really, you "need" a set of Martha Stewart Nonskid Mixing Bowls? Yeah, I bet your bowls are just sliding all over the place now. "Please Martha, slap some Firestones on the bottom of these bowls so they stop flying out the window every time I stir my oatmeal."

The marrying couples that I know are usually guys that I went to college with. And it's usually a guy who, in four years of college, ate nothing but ramen, Kraft macaroni and cheese, and his own vomit. But now he totally needs a Mikasa Couture Platinum Butter Tray. God forbid his butter sleeps inside stainless steel. Heavens no!

One friend of mine -- a complete stoner who never cooks anything -- got engaged and then registered for a fondue set.

Oh sure, man, I'd love to buy you a fondue set. 'Cuz if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you do love to fondue! I remember those good ol' days when we use to sit around the fondue pot, our skewers filled with youthful idealism...and we'd pull up our splatter guards...and dip those dream-filled skewers into a bubbling tub of chocolate or cheese or whatever the fuck you fill a fondue pot with.

Yup, those were the days. That's why I'd love to help you continue your fondue-ing ways by purchasing you this item which you are certain to get extensive use out of...probably every day. Do do that fondue that you do so well.

One thing I know for sure is this fondue set will most certainly not just sit at the bottom of a closet, completely unused, for years, until you sell it on eBay once you file for divorce.

Fuck Crate and Barrel, when I get married, I'm gonna register at the Ball and Chain Store. I can't wait to be on the receiving end of a monogrammed cannonball that I can attach to my ankle. I better make sure it's a Martha Stewart non-skid cannonball though.

Moving on/Subscribe to my newsletter

I only post on rare occasions here now. Subscribe to my Rubesletter  (it's at  mattruby.substack.com ) to get jokes, videos, essays, etc...