What's up, ladies?
So this is it. I've been waiting crazy long for this moment, y'all. And now it's time. I gotta make a decision.
This whole journey has been crazy. But when I started this thing, I expressed that, y'know, I like two different type of girls. The party girl. A girl who likes to hang out, have a good time, live it up. Get freaky. I like that.
And then I like the conservative girl as well, you know? Smart, sexy, you know, a girl that I can kick it with. Conservative, but still freaky. I'm looking for the best of both worlds, y'know what I'm saying? And I can truly say it's hard. Crazy hard.
I mean, Chocolate Milk, when we first started hanging out, you were there, paying attention. You connected with me. Y'know what I'm saying? You really put forth that effort.
But, y'know, I really feel like you have a real big heart. And you know what they say: Big hearts break easy. That scares me. 'Cuz I might break your heart. Into lots of pieces. And I dislike sweeping.
Special Sauce, I can truly say that your name describes you perfectly. You know, special. And sophisticated and classy. Crazy classy. My passions and your passions are very similar. And also, on top of that, we got a lot of things in common. Plus, there's stuff we both like. Like club soda. And getting freaky.
But, yo, driving to your parents house. I was SO nervous. Y'know what I mean? Because I wanted them to like me and so much to where I even put on my clear Versace glasses with NO PRESCRIPTION and I wore a Louis Vuitton Belt two sizes TOO SMALL and I was drinking a PEPSI MAX that was no longer CARBONATED just so I can feel like, you know, they knew I was respectable and that I was a good person.
But I can truly say that you're a special person. You got strong values. That's very important to me.
Y'all see why this decision is like real crazy for me to make? I like y'all both. I really do. This whole thing is crazy.
Special Sauce, I told you you were special to me. I'm not lying to you. This whole time, a lot of things was running through your head, a lot of things was running through my head. There was a lot of running going on, like it was an emotional marathon.
But I'm a sprinter. And I think you need a long distance runner. Like a Kenyan or something. And to be honest with you, I would rather you be with a man who IS the kind of runner you want and not who COULD BE the kind of runner you want. Know what I'm saying? So that's why I can't choose you. Which is crazy.
Chocolate Milk, people been hating on you from the beginning. Spunky, Step Ladder, Livin' in the City, Tomahawk...they was all talking trash about you. You been standing strong though. I really been a believer in you and you been believing in me. Through the ups and downs. From the helicopter ride to when you was dancing on the stripper pole in my shower. And I really really felt 100% myself around you. I never had to lace my Converse by John Varvatos Bosey Boots ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP when you were around.
So I'm gonna ask you this one more time. For the last time. Are you here for my pretend love? 'Cuz I'm here for you. Crazy.
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email email@example.com.
I gotta make a decision
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From the book of monologues by revered playwright, The Situation.
PICK CHOCOLATE MILK!
She try to say that girls are two types some are freaky and some are conservative but sometime their choice is same.
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