I'm not into drugs any more. I quit completely, and I hate people who are still into it. Well.. I do take one drug now - for fun - and, maybe you've heard of it, it's a new thing, I don't know if you have or not. It's a new thing, it makes you small. [ indicates size with fingers ] About this big. And, you know, I'll be home, sitting with my friends, and, uh.. we'll be sitting around, and somebody will say, "Heeeyyy.. let's get small!" So, you know, we get small, and uh.. the only bad thing is if some tall people come over. You're walking around going, "Ah hahaha..!" Now, I know I shouldn't get small when I'm driving.. but I was driving around the other day, and I said, "What the heck?" You know? So I'm driving like.. [ extends arms high in the air like he's reaching up to a giant steering wheel ] And, uh.. a cop pulls me over. And he makes me get out, he looks at me and he says, "Heyyy.. are you small"? I said, "No-o-o! I'm not!" He said, "Well, I'm gonna have to measure you." They have this little test they give you - they give you a balloon.. and if you can get inside of it, they know you're small.
...Same thing with most of Ellen's early material too.
Sometimes the way you lie is more real than the truth. Or at least more interesting.
Also, it's interesting how well this material holds up over time. I find that Martin album way more listenable than almost anything else from that era. Most comedy ages like cheese in the sun, but these jokes have Happy Meal-esque shelf lives.
It probably gets fatiguing to lie like that all the time though. Perhaps that's why both of these comedians eventually moved away from standup?
Labels: about standup
Permalink | 1/24/2012