I grind my teeth at night. That's because my brain wants to sleep but my body wants to destroy itself. So I have to wear something called a chewguard that prevents my teeth from touching while I sleep. It pretty much looks like I'm wearing a retainer. So if you see me wearing it, know that means I either 1) completely don't care what you think or 2) we are totally in love. (Luckily, in my brain there is little room for a scenario that is not one or the other of these.)
Also worth noting: I clean the chewguard with denture cleaner. I've found it challenging to explain this to women. "Yes, I have Efferdent. But it's not because I'm old. It's because I'm filled with repressed rage! Don't worry, I can't control it and it only comes out in the bedroom...Wait, where are you going?!"
I'm a bit over-the-top with hand-washing too. I think that's because my father used to inspect my hands before I could eat dinner. He'd actually smell my hands to make sure I had washed them. That's a parent's way of saying, "I've got this problem...and now I'm handing it over to you!" He would also take a bath and a shower every morning. This is a man obsessed with eliminating filth. Which seems to me the filthiest thing of all.
So, uh, yeah: Clean hands, crushed teeth, open mind!
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email email@example.com.
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Hello! I feel your pain - before I got my braces on I wore a nightguard also! I never used denture cleaner, though - just toothpaste, although now I think I would just rinse it with water, since my mouth is clean before I put it in... anyway, I started wearing a biofeedback headband and I don't use a nightguard at all - it beeps when I tense up my facial muscles - you might want to Google that and look into options.
Good luck with your career and I hope you are soon freed from night clenching - it's the worst!!!
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