I pity Jeff Probst's poor penis

Survivor host Jeff Probst suffers from an abnormally full bladder because he often holds his piss when he's in the jungle. It gets worse:

Probst admitted that he sometimes did this because he did not want to be a cause of delay for the show's taping. This is another addition to his long list of misadventures during tapings of previous seasons. It can be remembered that he got electrocuted because he urinated in an electric fence. He also got stung by a jellyfish near his genitals and also had a close encounter with a reticulated python.

Note to Jeff Probst: In addition to electric fences, jellyfish, and reticulated pythons, some other good things to keep your penis away from: the Jaws of Life, crocodiles, barbed wire, guillotines, electric eels, oscillating fans, and Ted Haggard.

Sarah Silverman set at Rififi

Sarah Silverman stopped by Greg Johnson's show at Rififi last night. Only caught the last few minutes of her act but she was really funny. She'll be hosting the MTV Movie Awards soon so I'm guessing she wanted to try out some new material. (One movie joke: "They call it '300' because that's how gay it is on a scale of one to ten.")

She claimed to be terrible at crowdwork and then tried some anyway. Asked a girl what her name was and what she did (A: actress) and then responded, "I'm just gonna let Todd Barry [the next comic] take care of you." She talked about gift bags and then said that's what she calls her boyfriend's balls. She also did a bizarre cheese fucking routine. She really likes some cheese and said she just wants to fuck it and then started acting like a dude raping some cheese. Weird. But she's got that wavelength thing where anything she says is funny so it all worked.

The brilliant thing about her is how she uses her appearance and her voice to get away with saying really fucked up shit. Sweet little Jewish girl + filthy jokes + smart = ripe for laughs.

Cheese Nips

Spoiler alert: The rest of this post will be fucking hilarious. Deal with it.

Are Japanese people offended by Cheese Nips? Not only is the nip part offensive, but 90% of Asian Americans are lactose intolerant so the cheese part adds some extra salt to the wound.

Lightbulb! Maybe there's a market for other racist snack foods. "Ooh, a bag of Onion Spics!" "Halloween = time to stock up on Candy Coon."

I have a pool shaped kidney. (It's an above-ground kidney.) The doctors are worried because it's full of chlorine...and vicodin.

Sometimes when people move they ask you to help and offer you pizza in exchange. This is not an equitable trade. If I am going to carry a couch up four flights of stairs, I need more compensation than cheese and tomatoes.

"Paint my house and I'll give you a cracker."
"I don't think so!"
"Scrub the floors for a lollipop?"

People who are lactose intolerant piss me off because I hate intolerance in any form. These people are prejudiced against dairy products and I won't stand for it. First they came for the cheese, then they came for the Jews.

Hating intolerance is not a very tolerant thing to do.

Bar chefs = proof the terrorists did not win

Sometimes I feel like New York City needs one gigantic bitchslap. From Fine Drinking in Tribeca:

Downstairs at the mellow and sophisticated B Flat, your bar chef meticulously measures each ingredient, uses three different sizes of ice cubes (the largest of which is filtered, frozen, chopped and chiseled in-house) and only takes your order if you're sitting down (because greatness shouldn't be rushed).

These ice cubes are frozen and chiseled IN-HOUSE!? How fucking incredible. I usually outsource my ice chiseling to a place in Bangalore.

And there's three different sizes of ice cubes?! Precious. I hope they also have urinals that automatically adjust to my exact height. And napkins that come in different shades so I know one will match my seafoam tie. And I hope they stir the drinks with the tusk of a freshly murdered elephant.

Pricks.

5 reasons new comics should stop listening to albums and tv specials by famous comics

Beginning comics pay too much attention to albums and tv specials by famous comics. There's only so much you can learn from an HBO special or a live album because it's got so little to do with the reality of working a room as an unknown comic. Here's what's off about standup specials:

1. There's no crowdwork. In a lot of ways, it's more theater than standup routine. They're playing to the cameras (or mics), not the people. It's not about calling the room, thinking quickly, or being in the moment. It's about delivering your set.



2. The sets are long. A killer 30+ minute set is totally different than a 5 minute one. When you've got an hour, there's a lot more space to relax, tell stories, etc. New jack comics need to be able to bring it in a hurry.



3. The people in the audience are already fans. Making a room of people who already like you laugh is a hell of a lot different (and easier) than making strangers laugh. You don't have to establish a persona and win them over 'cuz they're already there.



4. The audience has been primed. They're juiced by the setting, the opening acts, the lights, the producer telling them to whoop it up, and all that crap. Heck, the Tonight Show audience even laughs at Jay Leno's monologue so there's obviously some sort of reality distortion field going on.



5. There's no bombing. The comic is doing a set that he knows works for an audience that he knows will laugh. There's no randomness at play. That's a totally different equation than new comic + new material where you need to poke around and take a chance on failing.

No doubt, soaking in albums/specials by Chappelle, Rock, Martin, etc. is valuable for any comic. But if you stop there, you're studying a fantasy.

To see what I mean, compare one of Mitch Hedberg's bootlegged concerts to one of his albums. In the bootlegs, there's a lot more dialogue with the audience. There's more wandering. There's more spontaneity. Or watch Zach Galifianakis' "Live at the Purple Onion," a live concert that shows less fantasy and more reality. The way he works the audience is what you don't get on HBO.

Watching a great comic work live is a whole different education than watching him in tv-land. You see how they weave, try new material, handle a chatty audience member, etc.

Flies and Flying Carpet

Venue: Mo Pitkin's
Date: 5/10/07
Length: 7 minutes
Crowd: 35 people

"Flying Carpet" went well despite some on-the-fly shuffling of the lineup. The final bill included: dark host Greg Barris, bearded Texan Aaron Baker, insightful Greg Johnson, Naked Trampoline Hamlet director Andres Dubouchet, deep-voiced Dan Soder, yours truly, and phonebook-reading Kristen Schaal.

Why all the shuffling? Comics started dropping off the bill like flies. (Hmm: Do flies actually drop a lot? Can't they, you know, fly? Anyway...) There was a hot shot meeting in LA, a case of pneumonia. a host stuck in an airport in Texas, and a work-related MIA. Now I see why people who put together shows always seem so stressed out.

Anyway, all's well that end's well. People dug it. Not a big laugh kinda group but they paid attention and played along with diverse lineup. Mo Pitkin's was happy and looks like we'll do it again sometime. Details on that soon.

Here's my set:



Aaron commented to me that my set took a turn for the better once I dropped the one liners and went to more conversational tone/jokes. Dan, on the other hand, has told me before that he thinks the one liners are my "wheelhouse" and mentioned to Aaron he's seen me kill with them. Always interesting to get conflicting advice like that. I think it all depends on the audience. Some crowds love the one-liners while other times they can def fall flat. I like to start off with a bunch of 'em just to set the tone, get a rhythm of punches going, and get a read on a crowd.

Frank Zappa on Crossfire

This is so fucking surreal. My fave part: The bandage on Robert Novak's hand.

"Flying Carpet" on Thursday

This Thursday is the debut of "Flying Carpet" (a show I'm doing with some friends). Come on out.

Flying Carpet
An extravaganza of comedy and more
Thu 10 May
9:30pm
$3

Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
Downstairs room
34 Avenue A (between E 2nd and 3rd Streets)
http://www.mopitkins.com/

Featuring:
Kristen Schaal (http://www.myspace.com/kristenschaal)
Andres Dubouchet (http://andresdubouchet.com)
Matt Ruby (http://www.sandpapersuit.com)
Landon Kirksey (http://www.lovelandon.com)
Dan Soder (http://www.myspace.com/scareddan)
Joe Alexander (http://www.myspace.com/kingjaffi)
& more

Don Rickles closes show with "one to grow on"

After 35 minutes of insulting every possible ethnic group and dozens of audience members, this is how Don Rickles closed out his show:

don_rickles_one_team.mp3

(From Don Rickles - Hello Dummy!)

The formula

Isn't this group of people different than that group of people? 'Cuz this group of people likes those things while that group of people likes these things. But can you imagine what it would be like if that group of people liked those things instead of these things? It would be totally incongruous!

Heckler videos

Comic Jim Jeffries gets punched in the face by an audience member. When he returns to the stage, he says, "What many of you don't know is that I employ that bloke for when gigs are going badly."



Joe Rogan goes ballistic on a mouthy audience member. "I'm not your boyfriend, I don't need to listen to your stupid shit."



Jamie Kennedy mocks someone who tells him to use the word "server" instead of "waitress."

Jerry Orbach eyes

Venue: Stand Up NY
Date: 4/23/07
Length: 6 minutes
Crowd: 11 people



Here's a look at the, ahem, glamorous world of standup. This is what it's like to do a set in front of the remaining 11 people who have sat through 3 hours of comedy on a Monday night. By then, they looked like extras from a scene in "Children of Men."

The first 30 seconds

More advice from the grizzled vet comics who hang out at the bar at Stand Up NY. They're kinda like those old muppets who sat in the balcony. Anyway...

* Don't sit down for five years. When you sit down you send a message to the audience. You lower the energy. You have to bring something from a much deeper place.

* You have to set a tone of funny in the first 30 seconds. Then you can get darker (or whatever). But those first 30 seconds determine how the audience sees you.

* Persona goes a long way. When people buy your persona, they open up to you. (Persona explained at Wikipedia: "A 'second self' created by the author and through whom the narrative is related...[it] literally means mask.")

* The toughest thing for a beginning comic to learn is how to read the room.

* Write, write, write.

* Don't blame the crowd. It's always your fault. If they don't laugh, it's because you did something wrong.

* Don't listen when other comics say a room is dead. It was dead for them, that's all. A great comic can walk into the sleepiest room and still get 'em going.

Catch me Thursday night in Grandma's box

I'm performing Thursday night. Downtown show too. Come on out. Details below from "Grandma"...

--

GRANDMA'S CANDY BOX
Thursday, April 26th - 9:30 PM - $2!

My precious grandchildren,

Victor Varnado & Village Voice. What do these two entities have in common?
If you have answered that Victor Varnado, host of Grandma's Candy Box & one of Grandma's favorite grandsons is on the cover of this week's "Village Voice" then you are correct!

If you have answered "Alliteration," "East Village Legends" or "Bums use them as Blankets," you are also correct! If you got none of these right then you are incorrect. Grandma now loves your cousins more than you and I am removing you from my Will.

On the show this week!:
Lee Camp: From Spike TV, E!, Sirius Radio, and his own comedy webcast SharkBaby. What happens when shark babies grow up? If you have to ask, you'll never know.
Myka Fox: Recently Co-hosted The Comical Radio and is champion of all things regrettable and worth mention.
The Straight Men: Every time I try to find their credits I get gay porn sites. Come see them live!
Matt Ruby : Recently performed on same bill as Chris Rock, read about it on his blog "Sandpaper Suit".
Jason Kanter: Currently touring all over the country. Jason is bald and he loves it when people rub his head and make a wish! Its his absolute favorite thing! More favorite than milkshakes at the drive-in! Try it, he will be grateful to you!
Hannibal Burress: Visiting from Chicago, this comic was recently featured at the Montreal Comedy Festival.
Roger Hailes: You'll recognize him from his sketches on the "Chapelle Show"
Eliza Faria Santos: Is sleep deprived. She that hopes you find this newsletter amusing but mostly, she hopes that it makes sense.

Hosted by Victor Varnado: My brilliant, belligerent, black albino grandson. He's been on HBO, Conan O'Brien, Starz Network, Comedy Central, and many feature films. Go pick up this week's "Village Voice"! He is naked on the cover!!!

Love & kisses,
Grandma

Grandmas Candy Box
Thursday 9:30pm - $2!
@ Bar None (3rd Ave btw 12th and 13th sts)

Subway standup

The other week I did standup on the subway. Three other comics and I were headed downtown after a show. Omar was drunk, started mouthing off, and soon we were "entertaining" the D train. Alright, most people didn't really give a shit but at least a couple had fun with it.

We each had "one-stop sets." It was all rather ridiculous (and of course no one really laughed) but it actually was a strangely valuable learning experience. In that kind of situation, you better bring some energy and your jokes better not be wordy. Get to the point quick or don't bother. And it certainly makes a normal audience less intimidating. What are they gonna do? Be more apathetic than the crowd on a midnight subway car? Highly doubtful.

Related: Insight on connecting with an audience from a subway musician:

When you play on the street you can't approach it as if you are playing on a stage. Busking is an art form of its own...You have to relate to the audience and be a real people's person. You can't hide behind your instrument and just play, with an invisible wall between you and the audience, the way a stage performance is conducted. In busking you use the passers by as if they were paint and your music is the paint brush - your goal is to create a collective work of art with the people, in the space, in the moment with you and the music.

A busker is someone who can turn any place into a stage...As a busker one needs to interact with those around, break walls of personal space, and lure people into a collective and spontaneous group experience on the street, in the moment, with you. A bad busking act is when the performer doesn't make an effort to connect with the audience. Like musicians who play for themselves, not acknowledging the audience, just burying their heads in their instruments.

Intimacy whistle

Venue: Stand Up NY
Date: 4/02/07
Length: 6 minutes
Crowd: 40 people



One of my best recent sets. Great crowd, totally into it from the beginning. Laughed heartily at "Keep it going for the phrase keep it going." I knew it was on.

Listening back, what's interesting to me here is the extra tags I threw on to jokes. "I'm generous like that...I need a more informative cum swallowing site...Don't test me...'Cuz they're both just so fucking authentic...etc." That's the kind of shit that just pops into your head when you're in flow. Right brain to the rescue.

And that's why writing will only take you so far. Being up there, in that moment, is when some of the best lines come. Or at least ones that are present and immediate and feel like part of a conversation. People respond to that.

That's why taping sets is so helpful too. These lines would be lost otherwise. Having them recorded gives them a chance to live again and maybe get added to those jokes full-time.

Gun show

This article on the Virginia Tech shooting talks about the gun laws in Virginia.

Once a person had passed the required background check, state law requires that law enforcement officers issue a concealed carry permit to anyone who applies. However, no regulations and no background checks are required for purchase of weapons at a Virginia gun show.

Wait a minute. The one place in the state where there are no gun regulations or background checks is at a GUN SHOW? Because something should be illegal...unless you get it at a show dedicated to that thing!? "Normally, crack is illegal...but not if you buy it at The Crack Show!"

Jabs and uppercuts

I had a weird set last night. Room was dead. Other comics made "thrown to the lions" references. It was late in the evening when Rob Cantrell got up and did an awesome set. He can be funny but last night he wasn't. Just deep and truthful and mushroomy. Bill Hicks meets Terence Mckenna style. And just when you feared he'd go off the deep end, he talked about how it must be awesome to be a bird because if you don't like where you're at, you can just fly somewhere else, and then does an impression of a bird. Totally ridiculous and awesome.

He inspired me to break from my set. It turned out rather lame. Well, lame in that it wasn't funny. I just talked. Wanted to see where it would lead me. It was a good exercise but not funny enough. I started out alright but then I got a bit too philosophical about Americans being scared and people telling you not to do stuff because they're just jealous that they can't do it, etc. When I tried to weave in some jokes again, it was too late. They saw me as a serious guy and that's not the path to laughter. The vibe I was bringing was interesting, but it wasn't funny.

Now I wonder what would've happened if I had gone out and just did my intended set. Would've gotten more laughs but is that always better? At that point, in that room, with that crowd, it just seemed like it would be phony to stick to material. Still, I feel bad about delivering a lackluster set. These people paid money to be there after all.

I think there are two solutions: 1) Get better at weaving punch lines into the ranting. Mix the jabs in with the uppercuts. 2) Fuck 'em and bring your A game and make it work. If your frame is stronger — and the material is there — they'll come around.

Where it's at

So I perform every Monday at Stand Up NY. Two out of the past three weeks, Chris Rock has shown up and done a 40+ minute set of new material. No promises he'll be there again but it's always a fun, weird show with some good comics on the bill anyway. Plus, you can get in for free (normally $15 cover) if you say "comp cover for Matt Ruby." Still a two-drink minimum though. But you're a fucking lush anyway so what do you care?

MONDAYS @ STAND-UP NY
Monday, April 16 (and every Monday)
236 W 78th St (btwn B'way and Amsterdam)
9pm show

Rock's set last week was great but my favorite moment of the night was before he even showed up. Another comedian got a woman in the audience to admit she's had a finger up her ass. So what? Well, she was sitting in between her teenage daughter *and* her mother-in-law at the time. Scandalous! And that poor girl...it's like they say: A moment on the lips, a lifetime in the therapist's chair.

What's that? You don't want to go all the way uptown to see me perform? Alright, quit your whining. I've got a couple of East Village shows coming up too.

On Thursday, April 26 I'll be doing a set at Grandma's Candy Box, a weekly show at Bar None. It's free and they have cheap drinks. Last time I performed there, the room was full of drunken cops and one of the comics nearly got arrested. Good times! Details:

GRANDMA'S CANDY BOX @ BAR NONE
Thursday, April 26
98 3rd Ave (btwn 12th & 13th St)
9:30pm

And here's some "save the date" shit: On Thursday, May 10, some friends and I are putting on "Flying Carpet," a comedy extravaganza at Mo Pitkin's. On the bill: Kristen Schaal, Andres Dubouchet, Joe Alexander, Brian Koppelman, Dan Soder, Landon Kirksey, and more. All for only $3. It'll be a grand time.

FLYING CARPET @ MO PITKIN'S
34 Ave A (btwn 2nd and 3rd St)
Thursday, May 10
9PM

The end.

I wish my wife was this dirty

[photo by JF]