Loose change

Woman hides heroin, money, loose change in herself [via SL]:

After searching her for weapons, Officer Baumann found three bags of heroin in Ms. Mackaliunas' jacket...

Ms. Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina.

A search of Ms. Mackaliunas by a doctor at Community Medical Center turned up 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22.

My first reaction: Loose change! I can't believe she was carrying 22 cents in her vagina.

My second reaction: Wait a minute. Why is she carrying cash at all in her vagina? It's legal to carry cash.

My third reaction: Maybe she was just showing off. 'Cuz this almost sounds like an infomercial for this woman's steamer trunk-sized vagina. "54 bags of heroin...but wait, that's not all!"

Also, I love that she had three bags of heroin left over and she was like, "Well, might as well just put these in my jacket."

Oil spill reaches horses?

From the NY Times site this AM. Poorly placed photo for Kentucky Derby story? Or is the oil spill really THAT bad?

The Republican hip-hop makeover

Got a kick out this story: "Steele: GOP needs 'hip-hop' makeover."

Newly elected Republican National Committee Chairman Michael S. Steele plans an “off the hook” public relations offensive to attract younger voters, especially blacks and Hispanics, by applying the party's principles to “urban-suburban hip-hop settings.”

First off, this means we can officially retire "off the hook" as a phrase. Next time someone tries to use it on you, just tell them to talk to the hand. And then shoot yourself.

Also, they really oughta think this hip-hop outreach thing all the way through. When a rapper has a posse, they have bling, weed, and Cristal. That's cool. But when white, southern guys have a posse, they have torches, pitchforks, and a noose. Not nearly as appealing.

Daily Show guest too fat to walk to set?

Daily Show guests always walk on to the set from the wings after being introduced by Jon Stewart. But not former National Economic Council Director Lawrence Lindsey, who stopped by the show on Monday. Instead, he's just there. Sitting. Waiting.



Unprecedented! Now I'm just dying to see this guy walk somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe he just gets hauled around from place to place using a system of pulleys — or anti-gravity suspensors like Baron Vladimir Harkonnen in Dune.

(That's right, I went old school Sci-Fi reference on your ass. Sue me! Hmm, that might be my new tagline..."Sue me!" Got a nice ring to it.)

If the bus is a-rockin...

Saw an ad on a NYC bus for Bret Michaels "Rock of Love Bus." It was a big picture of Bret and above him it says, "If the bus is a-rockin'...you know what to do!" Actually, I have no fucking idea what to do. Change the channel? Call the STD clinic? Bring Bret his hair extensions? More details please, VH1!

Obama's oratory

Here's how I feel about Obama getting elected: It's like someone just cleaned my bathroom for me. I'm very grateful. And happy I don't have to look at that shit anymore.

One good thing about Obama for comedians: It will be nice to have a president who can actually speak. Someone who respects words (and knows how to pronounce "nuclear").

Reminds me that Chris Rock has an iPod where he keeps solely comedy performances and political speeches. I've never really studied great speeches this way, but I can see how a comic could learn a bunch from doing so. With Obama, it's been interesting to listen to the rhythm of how he speaks, the way he uses taglines as callbacks (e.g. "Yes we can"), how he rotates in fresh material, etc.

Madonna wants us to "respect her privacy"

Madonna is getting divorced and wants the media to "respect her privacy." You know, because she's really kept her personal life under wraps up to this point in her career.

I will go along with this if we can declare a joint media truce. I "respect her privacy" and, when her next album comes, she respects my apathy. No interviews, no PR campaign, and no ridiculously airbrushed photos = I won't give a shit about your divorce, Madge. Deal?

Teach your children the Bon Jovi rule

This excerpt from "The Parking Lot Rules" [Best Life], an article offering health tips for parents and their children, cracked me up:

2 The Bon Jovi Rule (No Hands to the Face)
Richie Sambora is the guitarist for Bon Jovi as well as a devoted dad to his daughter, Ava. He once said the band's ability to stay healthy on the road is made possible by one rule: No hands to the face. Rock 'n' roll stars shake so many hands and encounter so many germs while touring—greeting fans backstage, signing autographs, and attending afterparties. You will almost never see a successful rock 'n' roll superstar sticking his finger in his eye if he has an itch. Instead, he will use a sleeve, a cuff, a shirttail, a tissue, or whatever else is available. Let your children learn how to stay healthy from one of the greatest rock bands in the world. Teach your children the Bon Jovi rule: No hands to the face.

Yes, if there's one group of people who's able to give good advice to kids on how to stay healthy, it's rock stars! Those guys are just so clean and sanitary.

I especially enjoy Kid Rock's advice on dental hygiene...It never woulda occurred to me that you could floss with a stripper's thong. And you'll never see Tommy Lee sticking his finger in his eye if he has an itch. Instead, he will use his penis. No hands to the face!

Video: Sal Monella from the Bronx

There's a tomato salmonella scare. But what if Sal Monella was actually just some guy from the Bronx? (A rainy day, 3 hours, and a bunch of cherry tomatoes led to this.)

McKibbin lofts and the problem with "artists"

This article about the artist-filled McKibbin lofts in Brooklyn says the hallways there are soaked in urine, people often play drums at 3 a.m., and the place is infested with bedbugs!

Yet check out this quote from an 18-year-old "poet" living there who gave his name as Eirehan Failte:

“Even when it’s really loud, it’s still better than some terrible stock-trading roommate listening to Fox in the next room.”

Really?! Is it? "Are you playing drums at 3am? Cool. Wait, are you trading stocks? Because capitalism keeps me awake!" Nothing's more annoying than a roommate who's got a job and can afford to pay the rent...how bourgeois.

And is Fox really that bad? If I was given a choice between watching Prison Break or having bedbugs, call me crazy, but I would take Prison Break. Even though bedbugs probably have a more realistic plotline. (At least there's no head bedbug who has a full body tattoo that includes hidden architecture blueprints of my bedroom.)

I can hear this kid talking about future roommates: "Yeah, my roommates are in Al Qaeda. But at least they don't like Coldplay!"

"My roommate's got the bird flu, but at least he doesn't care about the NASDAQ."

"Yeah, I live with Satan in the third circle of hell but it's cool since he really likes Donnie Darko...Yeah, I met him through Craigslist. Missed Connections. I put an ad on there that said, 'G train. 7:30pm. Wednesday. You: Red suit, horns, pitchfork. Me: Not intimidated.'"

Are you my nizza?

Best name ever for a reporter who works the hip hop beat: "Nizza." I can hear the conversation now...

1: Did you just ask me, 'Are you my nizza?"
2: No, I asked, "Are you Mike Nizza?"

The most disturbing magazine cover ever

I'm walking down 1st Avenue and I see this poster promoting Mob Candy magazine. Since Mob Candy is totally my favorite magazine, I'm all soaking it in.

And then I'm like wait a minute, there's something weird about this Krista Ayne chick that's on the cover. She looks familiar. Oh no...



The eyebrows, those lips, that thing resembling a nose...She's totally Michael Jackson!



Now I've got this image in my head.



Make it stop.



I need to take a forever shower.

Moby says he's a nerd target

Moby declares himself nerd target.

I guess in some people's eyes, [nerds] might be mildly sexy - and, as a nerd, I'm certainly happy to enjoy some of the effects of that. But as far as the very brief affair that I had with Natalie [Portman], it's made me a target of a lot of nerd wrath. You don't date Luke Skywalker's mom and not have them hate your guts.

Moby did link up that "27 Ways to Kill Moby" video I made about him. Perhaps that's got something to do with this quote?

Anyway, my wrath has nothing to do with his "brief affair" with Luke Skywalker's mom. I'm pissed because he fucked Chewbacca.

Film "critics" who love Rambo

The Rambo movie blurbs are really pulling out the heavy hitters in the film critic world:



Fuck Ebert & Roeper, I'm going to start getting all of my film recommendations from BloodyDisgusting.com.



And who doesn't love and respect Joblo.com? I'm sure lots of people are saying things like: "I was on the fence about going to see Rambo. But now that I know Joblo.com is endorsing it, I'm in!" That's like saying, "Jeff Craig from Sixty Second Preview said it's a great movie so we should totally go!"

In light of those other ones, this one I messed with in Photoshop almost seems believable...

"Pets latest victims of mortgage crisis"

TE: check out the front page of local news (story)



TE: man they gave out loans to EVERYBODY
MR: i really doubt they fully understood the fine print
TE: we need to protect them better
MR: i love the hard hitting news link under the story: "Send in photos of your pets"
TE: your former pets!
MR: what a lead to the story too: "The tentacles of the foreclosure monster reach all the way into a Naperville animal shelter, where McKenzie and Rocket are its collateral damage."
TE: yikes!
MR: sounds like the trailer for Michael Bay's next movie.

Vajayjay's popularity explained

I recently complained about people who use the word "vajayjay." So I was fascinated by this explanation of the word's popularity from "What Did You Call It?" (NY Times)

Another view was offered by John H. McWhorter, a linguist and a senior fellow at the Manhattan Institute, who pointed out that the women associated with introducing the word — Ms. Winfrey, the Miranda Bailey character on “Grey’s Anatomy” — are middle-age African-Americans.

“The reason that vajayjay has caught on, I think, is because there is a black — Southern especially — naming tradition, which is to have names like Ray Ray and Boo Boo and things like that,” Dr. McWhorter said. “It sounds warm and familiar and it almost makes the vagina feel like a little cartoon character with eyes that walks around.”

This is so crazy! Because I constantly picture my penis as a little cartoon character with eyes that walks around too. And I call him Ray Ray! Like this: "Watch out baby, here comes Ray Ray." OK, I don't actually ever say that. But I'm thinking it.

"According to Jim" has writers?

The show must go on, 'According to Jim' (Entertainment Weekly):

While sitcoms continue to go dark because of the ongoing writers' strike, at least one comedy is trying to keep the lights on. A show source confirms that ABC's According to Jim, which may return as early as this winter for a seventh season, resumed production this week in L.A. even though its writers are picketing. Jim Belushi, who also serves as an executive producer and director, will help run the show, though it's unclear whether he'll write, too.

Thank goodness they have that comedic genius Jim Belushi to bail them out! That guy is a hoot.

My favorite is when he does that Blues Brothers bit with Dan Akroyd. Nothing says class quite like stealing your dead brother's act and taking it on tour! Gallagher Too would be proud. Maybe Jim can write an episode where he plays a samurai swordsman at a deli...You know, as an "homage" to John.

My advice to the writers of According to Jim: Don't strike too long. You should feel pretty lucky that you collect a paycheck at all, no?

Mansinthe is mantastic

A Liquor of Legend Makes a Comeback:

One absinthe that will try to brave the regulators next year is a spirit distilled by Markus Lion in Germany for the performer Marilyn Manson. Called Mansinthe, it is “designed to please newbies as well as long-term absinthe lovers,” Mr. Lion said in an e-mail message.

#1: Hey, what are you drinking?
#2: Dude, it's Mansinthe.
#1: Mansinthe? That sounds kinda gay.
#2: No way, it's named after Marilyn Manson!
#1: Shit, why didn't you say so in the first place!? I only buy products endorsed by goth rockers! Gillette Sensor Reznors, BauWowhaus Dog Food, Sisters of Mercy Shoe Polish, etc.

Sean Taylor's nickname: "Tha Hitman"

"Sean Taylor, Redskins star, dies after shooting" mentions Taylor's now unfortunate nickname: "His fierce style of play earned him the nickname Tha Hitman." Oof.

Here he is laying out the punter during the Pro Bowl.



Gotta give it up for a guy who's willing to drill the wimpiest guy on the roster during the one game where no one EVER hits hard. R.I.P. Hitman.

Unbelievable video

Watch this video of a blind boy who has mastered echolocation. It is totally unbelievable. Not the echolocation thing...that the kid's mom's name is actually Aquanetta. Incredible!