10 things I hate: the vajayjay edition

pongPeople who play drinking games
Drinking games are insulting to alcohol because they imply booze has to be combined with a silly recreational activity. No one ever tries this with other substances: There's no Crossword Puzzle Crack, Oxycontin the Tail on the Donkey, or Heroin Sudoku. Forget the wacky sidekick, alcohol can carry this film just fine on it's own.

125959964_f782a1d3d3_bPeople who knit on the subway
You realize we've solved this problem, right? It only costs 30 cents to have someone in Bangladesh make a scarf that's way better quality than the dyslexic one you've spent over 400 hours on. I hope it's big enough to cover up the chasm that's been growing in your soul ever since you got rejected by eHarmony.

850-side-lgPeople who wear Bluetooth headsets that blink
You realize that your eyes are actually located in front of your ears, right? That means that annoying blinking light isn't actually viewable to you. So, unless you're worried about getting clocked by a low-flying plane, that light is merely there to show off to the rest of us. And we don't care that you have to take calls all the time (and fyi, it's more impressive to _not_ have to take calls).

282060911_8aa65979e7_bStreet performers who paint themselves silver and stand like statues
Just because you cover yourself in spray paint, stand on a box, and stop moving does not mean you deserve to get paid. You're just shiny and doing nothing. If this deserved compensation, office workers could just put on a bunch of glitter, show up at work, and pass out at their desks. Give that a whirl and see how it goes.

906042995_224b55f714_bAny football fan who gets all sanctimonious about Michael Vick
How on earth could an athlete who's been trained from a young age to compete in a vicious, brutal sport, one that causes terrible injuries, merely for the entertainment value of others who like to place bets on that sport, think it could be alright to, well, train animals from a young age to compete in a vicious, brutal sport that causes terrible injuries merely for the entertainment value of others who like to place bets on that sport. Outrageous! (In other news, I'm putting big money on the Giants to cover against the Patriots in the Super Bowl. If Eli starts throwing interceptions, I'll kill him!)

540003277_2fecd0e905_oPeople who claim vegetarian food tastes as good as meat
If so, then why is the menu at every vegetarian restaurant filled with fake meat products like Tofurkey, Sham, and Fake'n? I consider these the tribute bands of the food world. "Tonight, playing all the hits of real beef: Not Dogs!"

28vaja600.1Anyone who says vajayjay
Because body parts that rhyme can't be naughty! Er, do you still say pee pee and doo doo too?

black lightAny local newscaster that does an "investigative report" revealing what hotel rooms look like under a black light
If you've never seen, here's the gist: The blankets at all hotels are actually 3% down and 97% semen. Enjoy your next hotel stay.

Related: What's Hiding in Your Hotel Room?

While cleaning crews may dust, vacuum and disinfect daily, most hotels say they do deep cleaning only four times a year, on average -- unless stains are visible. But most unsuspecting hotel guests aren't prepared for the surprises Primetime found, like urine on a hotel Bible.

"Urine on a hotel Bible"...if that was a Robert Mapplethorpe piece, it'd be in a museum.

pom-wonderfulThe makers of POM pomegranite juice
Why does a 16 oz. bottle of this stuff cost $18,000? Is it made from unicorn piss? (That's piss that comes from a unicorn's vajayjay, btw.)

1219154436_30b190fa87_oHipster guys who wear those leather "gladiator" wristbands
Yeah, you're a fucking gladiator Brandon or Brody or whatever your name is. You're 126 lbs. of don't-fuck-with-me. Really, I get it: If ya mess with the Fine Arts program at Bard College, you get the horns! Please don't slit my throat with your asymmetrical haircut and then use my blood to make street art.

Moving on/Subscribe to my newsletter

I only post on rare occasions here now. Subscribe to my Rubesletter  (it's at  mattruby.substack.com ) to get jokes, videos, essays, etc...