Springtime, lesbians, and Passover

It's spring! Or as we call it in Brooklyn, "lesbians on bicycles" season. You know that old saying: April showers bring May lesbians on bicycles.

It's also Passover soon. I'm a bad Jew though. I celebrate by adding some water to my liquid soap dispenser...because that’s the most Jewish thing I can think of to do.

I have a tough time with religious holidays because of all the silly stuff you're supposed to do. During Passover, you're supposed to hide the afikomen. It's like an Easter egg hunt, but with matzah instead of eggs. And there's no bunny rabbit or other cute animal attached to the process. It'd be neat if there was though. "Who hides the afikomen? Why it's the Passover Panda Bear, of course!" Everyone knows panda bears are super jewy.

The weirdest part of Passover is that you're supposed to put a glass of wine outside your house for the prophet Elijah. I'd like to meet the Jewish alcoholic who convinced everyone to go along with this plan: “Yeah, you all gotta leave wine outside your house. And tomorrow it will miraculously disappear. I don’t know how it happens. Don’t blame me. I’m just Schlomo, the Jewish town drunk...I can't believe this worked...You know what, for Yom Kippur, leave an 8-ball of coke under the welcome mat. It's for Elijah, really. Prophets need some get up and go too, ya know."

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