An alcoholic offers his Boston sightseeing tips

So Mark and I are in Boston hanging out after a show and discussing what to do the next day. We're talking about going to see revolutionary shit — stuff from the American Revolution, not iPhones or new Nikes — on the Freedom Trail.

Some dude hanging out next to us goes, "Nah, don't do that." So I ask him what he recommends instead. He says, "You drink, right?" I say, "Yeah." He answers, "Well, there's a couple of brewery tours you could do. And then there's also this outside bar that you can hit up starting at noon."

So this guy thinks the only worthwhile thing to do in Boston during the day is drink. Who gives a shit about where Sam Adams lived when you can drink him instead?

At this point, I decide to fuck with him a bit. "That's cool for me, but my friend here doesn't drink." This pale look comes over the dude's face. He thinks for a few seconds. Then he perks up and says (seriously), "Well, do you do meth?"

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You don't consume alcohol...so clearly you must dig METH. Like that's the logical next step. "You don't kiss on the first date? You must love being gangraped then!"

I was tempted to fuck with him even more. But then it occurred to me that methheads aren't known for how well they take a joke. You don't see a lot of methheads being roasted at The Friar's Club. (Well, unless you count Stephen Seagal or Drew Carey.)

The incident also makes a case for the idea that brewery tours are a crock of shit. Everyone knows that the whole point is the beer drinking at the end of the tour. It's not like anyone gives a shit about vat technology. "Yeah, please enlighten me about hops and barley...this knowledge will be wonderful for my thesis on why I'm divorced and under house arrest again."

Actually, maybe this guy should start offering tours of his meth lab: "The bathtub lab tour that will blow you away...maybe literally!"

1 comment:

Abbi Crutchfield said...

Clearly you missed out on a Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas adventure. But really, how many collectible spoon souvenirs do you need?

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