Off the top of my head

I started shaving my head because I'm losing my hair. Though I prefer to think I'm not losing my hair, I'm gaining my bald spot.

Shaving your head is a weird way to cover up the fact that you're going bald because the solution is exactly the same as the problem. You don't hear: "Dude, you've put on a few pounds. You know what you should do? Gain 300 more pounds. Then no one will notice!" More of the same isn't much of a disguise. No one ever says, "You're starting to smell a little funky...you should cover yourself in skunk juice. Be confident about it."

I get my hair did at a barbershop in the, um, urban neighborhood that I live in. [Sidebar: Urban is supposed to be a polite way to refer to black people but isn't it a bit racist to imply that black people couldn't possibly live in a rural place? Could you call a black farmer from Montana urban just because he's black?]

It's different than other haircut places I've been to in the past. Trevor, the guy who cuts my hair, doesn't ask me if I want to leave 1/4 inch or 1/2 inch. He just points to the five dudes who hang out in the front of the shop and says, "You want it like this guy or you want it like that guy?" Nice idea but it's a weird vibe when you're the only white guy in the place and you're picking from a lineup of black dudes. "#4, please step forward and turn to the side. Yup, that's my haircut." Almost feels like there should be a two-way mirror or something.

Each time, I have to explain to Trevor that I just want a basic cut. This is necessary because a lot of the other customers there are very into sculpture of the head. Intense styling with precision razor blade detailing. Curves, geometric shapes, ice swans, etc. Nice stuff but I don't want my stylist getting all Giacometti on my head.

Still, Trevor asks each time about my hairline and "shaping" it. I think the idea is he could shave it into a straight line across the top of my head. No indents in the front. Like this would really fool anyone: "Oh, he's not losing his hair. It's just that his hairline is in the middle of his forehead." I don't think anyone would buy that.

I also stop him from spraying product on my head when he's done. The spray is called "African Dream" and it makes your head glisten. I don't want my head to glisten. And I don't really think that Africans are dreaming about my bald head.

The shaved head is nice in some ways but comes with issues too. Like now I have to worry about burning the top of my head when it's sunny. Can't really use suntan lotion 'cuz I still have some hair. Maybe spray suntan lotion in there? That seems kinda Gotti though. (Spraying shit on your head seems very north Jersey to me.)

So I suppose I should wear a hat. But there's a problem there: I think hats are for dicks. Sorry, if you wear hats. But if you do, maybe it's time you face the fact that you're a dick.

I just don't think there's any cool way to wear a hat. Baseball caps? For dicks. I always think of baseball caps as the official logo for date rape.

(The one time I enjoy them: Those University of South Carolina baseball caps. If you haven't seen before, the mascot at USC is the Gamecocks. So people buy USC hats that say "Cocks" on them. It's always some meathead frat type guy too. I love the fact that these macho guys are walking around telling the world, "What does this guy like? Cocks!")

Then there's those brimmed hats that obnoxious guys wear at nightclubs or on reality TV shows. I can never remember if they're called Fedoras or Federlines.

What about those newsboy caps? Nah, you look like an extra from Oliver Twist or Newsies. If you wear one of those, you should sell a newspaper that reads, "Extra! Extra! I'm a dick." But no one would buy it. Because they would just look at your hat and know it already.

Hmm...I guess I'm just going to let the top of my head burn.


Abbi Crutchfield said...


a) Thanks for being so candid. As much as I scoff at combovers, I think if I were a balding man, I'd be the type who would get rug, and I'm cheap so it would be a bad one. And I'm insecure so I'd point it out all the time, and people would constantly ask me, "Then WHY do you wear it?!"

b) Sunblock won't mess up your hair. It dries clear. Consider Bald Head Cue Shield, the first sunblock specifically created for bald people. With an SPF of 55, it's specially formulated to protect your head from harmful UVA/UVB rays. Pamper you-self, Baby!

c)Hats are sexy. I keep trying to get Luke to wear a fedora. Federline's corn rows never stopped Sean Paul. There's always a scarf, for the hip-hop buccaneer in you.

Paul Kelleher said...

i too will meet a bald end. what you need to do is get a bald role model. for you - Moby is out. but how about bruce willis, anthony hopkins or samuel L.

Sidenote: Why do black people pull off bald some much better than white people? You never think twice when you see a black bald dude. I've never said to myself this guy is black and bald. I'm just like - looks like a black guy, nevermind his hair.

Anyway find a bald role model. I'm taking howie mendell. Geeze i never saw that one coming either. Bobby's World and then all the sudden he's bald.

Anonymous said...

hats are cool.

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