Some recent posts of mine over at Twitter:
* Love how the Mets have an outfielder name Angel Pagan. Now they just need a closer named Lucifer Atheist.
* Drag queens always need to speak softly. Otherwise the jig is up.
* Sorry "Excel Inc" hand dryer. You are but a pale imitation of the Xlerator. I curse yer pedestrian drying efforts. Hands wiped on shirt!
* Foxes are the go-to animal for being good looking. I wonder how the rest of the animal kingdom feels about that.
* The penalty box in hockey seems kinda childish. Go sit in the corner for a minute. And then there's all that fighting. Hockey: Grow up!
* There has prob never been a father more disappointed in his son than Hank Williams Sr.
* Chinatown bus? Oh no. I ride the Hasidim-owned bus from DC to NYC. It has wifi, power outlets, and long curls for mud flaps.
* You should never be reading "The 48 Laws of Power" while riding the bus.
* Theory: People who hate puns really just hate their fathers.
* I am ready to have a strong opinion on "cap and trade". Now just need to find someone who can explain it.
* Someone out there is actually the world's tiniest violin player. And probably very dramatic.
* It's tough to look gangsta when you're carrying an umbrella.
* Sorry, atheist. You are not actually "the most oppressed group." No cab ever refused to pick you up because you don't believe.
* I've got the perfect title for a book on the history of blood: "Blood: The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants."
* What happened to spinning plates? That seemed fun.
* I used to date a girl who smoked. It was like kissing an ashtray. I used to date a girl who kissed. It was like smoking a dozen roses.
More at twitter.com/mattruby.
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email email@example.com.
Angel Pagan, drag queens, hand dryers, penalty box, and spinning plates
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