"Here's 19-page police report on theft of a box of cigarillos."
"How many times was the kid shot?"
"WE'LL GET TO IT WHEN WE GET TO IT."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) August 16, 2014
Showing posts with label twitter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label twitter. Show all posts
8/18/14
Cigarillos, etc.
8/10/12
Thoughts on the Olympics, metrosexuals, and McCarren Park Pool
I dislike the word tweets. But that's what these are. Follow me @mattruby and you can get stuff like this flung at you on the regular:
Someone should figure out a way to mix the Olympics with advertising.
Men's skeet. Olympic event or Lil Jon song?
Little known Olympic fact: When Jewish athletes get medals, they're actually made out of chocolate.
My big move on the dance floor is texting.
Game show pitch: Lesbian or German?
Can't wait for someone famous to die soon so I can come on Twitter and make it all about me.
If you see me wearing my chewguard, it means either 1) I don't care at all what you think or 2) We are in love.
Public Rest Room Evacuated After Kid Uses It As McCarren Park Pool
I so wish the first rule of Burning Man was "Don't talk about Burning Man."
"Metrosexual" makes it sound like you want to have sex with a city.
Can't tell whether this soy milk has gone bad or just tastes like soy milk.
The not paying attention disease: ADD. The paying too much attention disease: Depression.
My parents really connected over wanting to be left alone.
Watching couple at comedy show debate whether or not to sit in front row. It's like deciding between joining the Marines or Coast Guard.
Drinking white wine and pissing in a trough. Pretty much sums up my life.
Someone should figure out a way to mix the Olympics with advertising.
Men's skeet. Olympic event or Lil Jon song?
Little known Olympic fact: When Jewish athletes get medals, they're actually made out of chocolate.
My big move on the dance floor is texting.
Game show pitch: Lesbian or German?
Can't wait for someone famous to die soon so I can come on Twitter and make it all about me.
If you see me wearing my chewguard, it means either 1) I don't care at all what you think or 2) We are in love.
Public Rest Room Evacuated After Kid Uses It As McCarren Park Pool
I so wish the first rule of Burning Man was "Don't talk about Burning Man."
"Metrosexual" makes it sound like you want to have sex with a city.
Can't tell whether this soy milk has gone bad or just tastes like soy milk.
The not paying attention disease: ADD. The paying too much attention disease: Depression.
My parents really connected over wanting to be left alone.
Watching couple at comedy show debate whether or not to sit in front row. It's like deciding between joining the Marines or Coast Guard.
Drinking white wine and pissing in a trough. Pretty much sums up my life.
5/24/12
Recent tweets on Kings, fish, Eagles, Ice Cream Men, and more
You can find me at @mattruby if this sorta thing is up your boat floating...
Trying to milk this hockey "playoff beard" thing but girl I'm seeing isn't buying that I'm growing out my "playoff back hair."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 3, 2012
I generally interpret a cracked iPhone screen as a sign of a drinking problem.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 2, 2012
Right now, a NY Post headline writer is secretly hoping that Billy Joel dies from a "Heart attack ack ack ack ack ack ack!"
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) March 25, 2012
The Ice Cream Man is the original food truck.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) March 22, 2012
The band on the Titanic kept playing as it sank. But what about the ship comedian? I bet he did crowdwork. "Nice orange life vest, buddy."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) March 20, 2012
It's surprising how upsetting I find the word "craisins."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 3, 2012
Binge drinking: "I did 5 shots of whiskey in an hour." Binge viewing: "I watched 5 seasons of The Wire in a weekend."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 27, 2012
My advice column... Q: I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load.Me: How many women are on you mind? Q: 7. Me: Take it easy.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 25, 2012
I wonder if kings get mad when someone brings them a regular sized Snickers bar.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 24, 2012
You know who loves strip clubs? Husbands!
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 14, 2012
At Williamsburg bars, it's tough to tell whether people are having fun or making fun of having fun.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 7, 2012
Chicago = boring nice people. NYC = interesting assholes. LA = boring assholes.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 16, 2012
"I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish" is the new "I'm not religious but I'm spiritual."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 6, 2012
3/9/12
Plastic surgery, TLC, red flags, stilettos, and more from my Twitter feed
Follow me on Twitter and you'll bathe in thoughts like these:
Weddings should happen after year 20 of marriage. A big party for getting married is like getting a medal for deciding to run a marathon.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) February 22, 2012
Women with plastic surgery look young the same way that Sunkist soda looks like it comes from oranges.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) February 5, 2012
"Who are you wearing?" -Fashion Week red carpet OR cop interrogating serial killer who makes clothes from the skin of his victims
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) February 10, 2012
Singing TLC's "Waterfalls" without knowing the rap verse is like a best man who gives a toast & forgets the bride's name. #koreatownkaraoke
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 29, 2012
Too many men mistake wearing a hat for having a personality.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 22, 2012
Lesson learned: No apology should have "blah blah blah" in it.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 31, 2012
Strange that Apple calls it a Genius Bar. My first qualification for being a genius: figuring out how to not work retail.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 27, 2012
I grind my teeth at night. Because my brain wants to sleep and my body wants to destroy itself.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 25, 2012
Apparently bringing a flask on a first date is some sort of "red flag."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 6, 2012
Stiletto heels: The point is the effort. And the effort is the point.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) January 1, 2012
New York: Where people are too obsessed with themselves to judge you.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) December 30, 2011
I wonder which team griffins root for when the Eagles play the Lions.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) December 28, 2011
I suggest we toss out the phrase "whiskey dick" and replace it with "airplane mode dick."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) December 26, 2011
"Wine Spectator" magazine? My guess is it's for people who love STARING at wine. Maybe it even has centerfolds: "Talk about full bodied!"
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) December 16, 2011
The fact that we had to identify Casper as "the friendly ghost" just goes to show what giant pricks most ghosts are.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) December 1, 2011
Comedy is the most beautiful way to complain.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) November 29, 2011
Religion is for people who love answers. Science is for people who love questions.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) November 23, 2011
Found something worse than drunk dialing: stoned Grouponing. Not sure what Lipomassage means, but I'm getting 62% off of it.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) November 21, 2011
Saying you met a comedian from Boston who has a drinking problem is like saying you met a drunk from Alcoholtown that YOU WANNA FIGHT?
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) November 12, 2011
I prefer urban legends to rural legends. Urban legend is "There was an alligator in the sewer." Rural legend is "Homosexuality is a choice."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) October 19, 2011
10/19/11
Subwaydenfreude, Groupon, Sag Harbor, etc.
Some things I posted recently at twitter.com/mattruby:
If you have a "favorite vodka," you really just have a "favorite ad agency."
Subwaydenfreude - the joy felt when you descend subway stairs, see a bunch of annoyed people waiting, and realize a train will arrive soon
Groupon really brings out the Jew in me. $30 for a Brazilian Wax? I'm considering it! [Heads off to Google "sugaring techniques."]
There aren't a lot of celebrity sightings on the Staten Island Ferry.
I really think Hank Williams, Jr. needs to apologize for what he's done. Then again, I've felt that way about Hank Williams, Jr. for years.
Is Sasha Fierce pregnant too? If so, I bet she is doing it with ATTITUDE.
Fun thing about getting a foot cramp during sex: For a split second, it just seems like I am REALLY into it.
Based on the way girls comment on each other's photos at Facebook, I now think the word gorgeous means "slightly better than usual."
Going to the airport is especially painful for me since my ex-girlfriend's name is Boingo Hotspot.
I used to believe in punk rock. Three chords and the truth! These days, I'm happy with two chords and some white lies.
Gal I know said she never wanted to have kids. Then she turned 30 and met a guy who built shelves in her garage.
That town called Sag Harbor? I like to imagine it's actually SAG Harbor, a lagoon filled with unemployed actors auditioning for each other.
It's odd that guys who are totally broke are the ones most likely to have chains on their wallets.
Music vs. comedy: Every girl's dream is to have a song written about her. But every girl's nightmare is to have a joke written about her.
I think the weirdest thing about the 80s is that people thought saxophone solos were cool.
They say comedy is like jazz. So be sure to listen to the jokes I'm NOT telling.
If you have a "favorite vodka," you really just have a "favorite ad agency."
Subwaydenfreude - the joy felt when you descend subway stairs, see a bunch of annoyed people waiting, and realize a train will arrive soon
Groupon really brings out the Jew in me. $30 for a Brazilian Wax? I'm considering it! [Heads off to Google "sugaring techniques."]
There aren't a lot of celebrity sightings on the Staten Island Ferry.
I really think Hank Williams, Jr. needs to apologize for what he's done. Then again, I've felt that way about Hank Williams, Jr. for years.
Is Sasha Fierce pregnant too? If so, I bet she is doing it with ATTITUDE.
Fun thing about getting a foot cramp during sex: For a split second, it just seems like I am REALLY into it.
Based on the way girls comment on each other's photos at Facebook, I now think the word gorgeous means "slightly better than usual."
Going to the airport is especially painful for me since my ex-girlfriend's name is Boingo Hotspot.
I used to believe in punk rock. Three chords and the truth! These days, I'm happy with two chords and some white lies.
Gal I know said she never wanted to have kids. Then she turned 30 and met a guy who built shelves in her garage.
That town called Sag Harbor? I like to imagine it's actually SAG Harbor, a lagoon filled with unemployed actors auditioning for each other.
It's odd that guys who are totally broke are the ones most likely to have chains on their wallets.
Music vs. comedy: Every girl's dream is to have a song written about her. But every girl's nightmare is to have a joke written about her.
I think the weirdest thing about the 80s is that people thought saxophone solos were cool.
They say comedy is like jazz. So be sure to listen to the jokes I'm NOT telling.
6/13/11
Fung Wah and fedoras
Some things I posted recently at twitter.com/mattruby:
Coldplay's new single is called "Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall." It's almost as if they are mocking themselves at this point.
You can tell how badly a woman wants to have children by how many pillows she has on her bed. More than five = the nesting process has begun.
Gonna start a Kickstarter page. Raising funds to support my new project: "I know how to spend your money better than you."
Philly-NYC Chinatown bus is a great way to get up to speed on race relations between Asian & Black people. Update: It's not going well.
No one loves having children more than boring people.
Obama won't release OBL photo: "We don't need to spike the football." Good point. When you kill someone, act like you've been there before.
The worst way to handle going bald: Becoming a hat guy. "Yeah, I'm just really into fedoras now."
Some men call it their "junk." Other men call it "the family jewels." Just goes to show: One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Coldplay's new single is called "Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall." It's almost as if they are mocking themselves at this point.
You can tell how badly a woman wants to have children by how many pillows she has on her bed. More than five = the nesting process has begun.
Gonna start a Kickstarter page. Raising funds to support my new project: "I know how to spend your money better than you."
Philly-NYC Chinatown bus is a great way to get up to speed on race relations between Asian & Black people. Update: It's not going well.
No one loves having children more than boring people.
Obama won't release OBL photo: "We don't need to spike the football." Good point. When you kill someone, act like you've been there before.
The worst way to handle going bald: Becoming a hat guy. "Yeah, I'm just really into fedoras now."
Some men call it their "junk." Other men call it "the family jewels." Just goes to show: One man's trash is another man's treasure.
4/25/11
4/5/11
Foursquare, raw umber, Janis, Bambi, etc.
Some things I posted recently at twitter.com/mattruby:
Being mayor of a bar on Foursquare is a great way to tell the world you are a functional alcoholic.
It's strange that poor people have all the pickup trucks since rich people are the ones with all the stuff.
When I want to sound like I know about art, I throw around terms like raw umber and burnt sienna. "Mona Lisa? Has some great raw umber."
Why musicians get laid more than comics: Having a song written about you is way better than having a joke written about you.
No, iPhone autocorrect. That text was NOT asking her if she likes giving blow guns. But I must admit, that is a good question too.
Mercedes ads using Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz" are missing the point. Like Rumsfeld using Dylan's "Masters of War" to promote his book.
Staying friends after you break up just proves that you were having bad sex while going out.
Ice makes alcohol tolerable. Alcohol makes life tolerable.
I've never seen Bambi. My parents didn't want me to develop a soft side.
The Black Eyed Peas are the official soundtrack for fake enthusiasm.
What time does a Chinese guy go to the dentist? Whenever he makes the appointment, you racist prick.
Being mayor of a bar on Foursquare is a great way to tell the world you are a functional alcoholic.
It's strange that poor people have all the pickup trucks since rich people are the ones with all the stuff.
When I want to sound like I know about art, I throw around terms like raw umber and burnt sienna. "Mona Lisa? Has some great raw umber."
Why musicians get laid more than comics: Having a song written about you is way better than having a joke written about you.
No, iPhone autocorrect. That text was NOT asking her if she likes giving blow guns. But I must admit, that is a good question too.
Mercedes ads using Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz" are missing the point. Like Rumsfeld using Dylan's "Masters of War" to promote his book.
Staying friends after you break up just proves that you were having bad sex while going out.
Ice makes alcohol tolerable. Alcohol makes life tolerable.
I've never seen Bambi. My parents didn't want me to develop a soft side.
The Black Eyed Peas are the official soundtrack for fake enthusiasm.
What time does a Chinese guy go to the dentist? Whenever he makes the appointment, you racist prick.
1/11/11
Somalis, Wicked, schizophrenia, pinata, etc.
Some of the things I've posted recently at twitter.com/mattruby:
Warning: That musical Wicked is NOT about the way people speak in Boston.
Can't remember. Am I a fan of Iron & Wine...or Iron Maiden & Ecstasy?
It's pretty impressive that, after all they've been through, Somalis are still the best wine experts in the world.
I think this often: "I'm mad at myself for finding you interesting."
Starting a new magazine about our culture's celeb obsession. Calling it "Us, Weakly."
My family has a history of schizophrenia. No, it doesn't.
Started taking shroids! Steroids laced with shrooms. I can now bench press the interconnectedness of the universe.
I rather enjoy urinals that are filled with ice cubes. Makes me feel like I am opening up a hole in the ozone layer.
Nostalgia is just fear in disguise.
Starting a family is a good move if you want to deal exclusively with people who are obligated to be around you.
Pinata teaches kids the important lesson that if you savagely beat an animal for long enough, delicious candy falls from the sky.
Kid Rock's "Born Free" is a great song if you want to be patriotic but think John Mellencamp is a little too edgy.
Sucks to be an exterminator going through heroin withdrawal. Feels like spiders crawling on your skin AND like you have to go to work.
Warning: That musical Wicked is NOT about the way people speak in Boston.
Can't remember. Am I a fan of Iron & Wine...or Iron Maiden & Ecstasy?
It's pretty impressive that, after all they've been through, Somalis are still the best wine experts in the world.
I think this often: "I'm mad at myself for finding you interesting."
Starting a new magazine about our culture's celeb obsession. Calling it "Us, Weakly."
My family has a history of schizophrenia. No, it doesn't.
Started taking shroids! Steroids laced with shrooms. I can now bench press the interconnectedness of the universe.
I rather enjoy urinals that are filled with ice cubes. Makes me feel like I am opening up a hole in the ozone layer.
Nostalgia is just fear in disguise.
Starting a family is a good move if you want to deal exclusively with people who are obligated to be around you.
Pinata teaches kids the important lesson that if you savagely beat an animal for long enough, delicious candy falls from the sky.
Kid Rock's "Born Free" is a great song if you want to be patriotic but think John Mellencamp is a little too edgy.
Sucks to be an exterminator going through heroin withdrawal. Feels like spiders crawling on your skin AND like you have to go to work.
10/18/10
Kombucha, method acting, "Let the River Run," etc.
What have I been posting about at Twitter? I'm glad you asked!
More at twitter.com/mattruby.
I am really into Rom Coms. Y'know, Romanian Communists.
NY Post headline writer's wet dream: A Buddhist monk caught committing armed robbery. Resulting headline = "Felonious Monk!"
Kombucha is really tasty if you like fruit juice with a nice lil' splash of aftertaste vomit.
Me to real estate agent: "Pardon me, sir, how do I get to Carnegie Hall?" His reply: "Location, location, location."
Method actor? Pshaw. Be a rhythm method actor: No acting on days 8-19 of each month. After that, act inside whatever you want!
Angelina Jolie is like a crazy cat lady, but with third world babies instead of cats.
Apparently this is a bad thing to say to a friend: "If you need a list of topics you should discuss with your therapist, let me know."
There's never been an accountant with dreadlocks.
Only young people like sweet drinks, like Absolut Raspberry. Old people don't need vodka infused with anything except broken dreams.
Watching "Working Girl." That song "Let the River Run"...is that about menstruation? After all, that is truly the sign of a working girl.
People keep telling me I look like Dexter. I need to stop murdering.
More at twitter.com/mattruby.
10/5/10
Pacific NW: Canucks, Caesars, Greyhound, Paseo, etc.
From my Twitter feed:
Headed to BC, Canada. My hotel better have rose petal turn down or I will crack some Canuck heads!
12:19 PM Sep 24th
Amazing crowd at Hecklers in Victoria BC last night. (yes, they know it's a bad name.) pic of Paul Bea headlining: http://yfrog.com/ne5txisj
5:41 PM Sep 25th
Western Canada, kudos on your Caesar drink. Clamato! Who knew!?
4:22 AM Sep 27th
Bah. Priceline put me at the Ramadan Inn. Now I need to fast for a month!
3:44 PM Sep 27th
Suggested slogan for this Vancouver pub: "To dine by your side, oh the privilege, the pleasure, is mine." http://yfrog.com/j7u62uj
7:15 PM Sep 27th
I find this Vancouver Police Department tagline VERY questionable. Why not "VPD: We are usually unavailable"?! http://yfrog.com/0rjincoj
7:31 PM Sep 27th
Japanese restaurant in Vancouver is playing a bombastic *brass band* version of YMCA. Sounds like some sort of gay national anthem.
10:30 PM Sep 27th
Every single person in Vancouver told me to avoid E. Hastings St. Either it's filled with crackheads or that's where they're killing Jews.
10:36 PM Sep 27th
On the bus to SEA. I get why they call it Greyhound. It's the only dog that's been abused as much as Greyhound passengers.
11:49 AM Sep 28th
At Comedy Underground in Seattle tonight. Here's a shot of last night's show in Vancouver at The Kingston: http://yfrog.com/eiw3tj
8:16 PM Sep 28th
Beer gut? Check. Fanny pack? Check. Stars 'n stripes shorts? Check. America, meet your new Uncle Sam! http://yfrog.com/n8uuzuj
2:03 PM Sep 29th
Seattle Hot Soup reunion! Got introduced to Paseo by @andyhaynesed. Now considering changing name of show to Fish Sandwich.
5:42 PM Sep 29th
Back in NYC. Great time in Seattle last week. Sets all wkend at Comedy Underground. Pic of @drewbarth onstage: http://yfrog.com/4bjnraj
11:21 AM Oct 5th
Headed to BC, Canada. My hotel better have rose petal turn down or I will crack some Canuck heads!
12:19 PM Sep 24th
Amazing crowd at Hecklers in Victoria BC last night. (yes, they know it's a bad name.) pic of Paul Bea headlining: http://yfrog.com/ne5txisj
5:41 PM Sep 25th
Western Canada, kudos on your Caesar drink. Clamato! Who knew!?
4:22 AM Sep 27th
Bah. Priceline put me at the Ramadan Inn. Now I need to fast for a month!
3:44 PM Sep 27th
Suggested slogan for this Vancouver pub: "To dine by your side, oh the privilege, the pleasure, is mine." http://yfrog.com/j7u62uj
7:15 PM Sep 27th
I find this Vancouver Police Department tagline VERY questionable. Why not "VPD: We are usually unavailable"?! http://yfrog.com/0rjincoj
7:31 PM Sep 27th
Japanese restaurant in Vancouver is playing a bombastic *brass band* version of YMCA. Sounds like some sort of gay national anthem.
10:30 PM Sep 27th
Every single person in Vancouver told me to avoid E. Hastings St. Either it's filled with crackheads or that's where they're killing Jews.
10:36 PM Sep 27th
On the bus to SEA. I get why they call it Greyhound. It's the only dog that's been abused as much as Greyhound passengers.
11:49 AM Sep 28th
At Comedy Underground in Seattle tonight. Here's a shot of last night's show in Vancouver at The Kingston: http://yfrog.com/eiw3tj
8:16 PM Sep 28th
Beer gut? Check. Fanny pack? Check. Stars 'n stripes shorts? Check. America, meet your new Uncle Sam! http://yfrog.com/n8uuzuj
2:03 PM Sep 29th
Seattle Hot Soup reunion! Got introduced to Paseo by @andyhaynesed. Now considering changing name of show to Fish Sandwich.
5:42 PM Sep 29th
Back in NYC. Great time in Seattle last week. Sets all wkend at Comedy Underground. Pic of @drewbarth onstage: http://yfrog.com/4bjnraj
11:21 AM Oct 5th
6/4/10
Angel Pagan, drag queens, hand dryers, penalty box, and spinning plates
Some recent posts of mine over at Twitter:
* Love how the Mets have an outfielder name Angel Pagan. Now they just need a closer named Lucifer Atheist.
* Drag queens always need to speak softly. Otherwise the jig is up.
* Sorry "Excel Inc" hand dryer. You are but a pale imitation of the Xlerator. I curse yer pedestrian drying efforts. Hands wiped on shirt!
* Foxes are the go-to animal for being good looking. I wonder how the rest of the animal kingdom feels about that.
* The penalty box in hockey seems kinda childish. Go sit in the corner for a minute. And then there's all that fighting. Hockey: Grow up!
* There has prob never been a father more disappointed in his son than Hank Williams Sr.
* Chinatown bus? Oh no. I ride the Hasidim-owned bus from DC to NYC. It has wifi, power outlets, and long curls for mud flaps.
* You should never be reading "The 48 Laws of Power" while riding the bus.
* Theory: People who hate puns really just hate their fathers.
* I am ready to have a strong opinion on "cap and trade". Now just need to find someone who can explain it.
* Someone out there is actually the world's tiniest violin player. And probably very dramatic.
* It's tough to look gangsta when you're carrying an umbrella.
* Sorry, atheist. You are not actually "the most oppressed group." No cab ever refused to pick you up because you don't believe.
* I've got the perfect title for a book on the history of blood: "Blood: The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants."
* What happened to spinning plates? That seemed fun.
* I used to date a girl who smoked. It was like kissing an ashtray. I used to date a girl who kissed. It was like smoking a dozen roses.
More at twitter.com/mattruby.
* Love how the Mets have an outfielder name Angel Pagan. Now they just need a closer named Lucifer Atheist.
* Drag queens always need to speak softly. Otherwise the jig is up.
* Sorry "Excel Inc" hand dryer. You are but a pale imitation of the Xlerator. I curse yer pedestrian drying efforts. Hands wiped on shirt!
* Foxes are the go-to animal for being good looking. I wonder how the rest of the animal kingdom feels about that.
* The penalty box in hockey seems kinda childish. Go sit in the corner for a minute. And then there's all that fighting. Hockey: Grow up!
* There has prob never been a father more disappointed in his son than Hank Williams Sr.
* Chinatown bus? Oh no. I ride the Hasidim-owned bus from DC to NYC. It has wifi, power outlets, and long curls for mud flaps.
* You should never be reading "The 48 Laws of Power" while riding the bus.
* Theory: People who hate puns really just hate their fathers.
* I am ready to have a strong opinion on "cap and trade". Now just need to find someone who can explain it.
* Someone out there is actually the world's tiniest violin player. And probably very dramatic.
* It's tough to look gangsta when you're carrying an umbrella.
* Sorry, atheist. You are not actually "the most oppressed group." No cab ever refused to pick you up because you don't believe.
* I've got the perfect title for a book on the history of blood: "Blood: The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants."
* What happened to spinning plates? That seemed fun.
* I used to date a girl who smoked. It was like kissing an ashtray. I used to date a girl who kissed. It was like smoking a dozen roses.
More at twitter.com/mattruby.
3/5/10
The B-52s, Lost, Haiti, pilgrims, pirates, and Mariah
You can follow me at Twitter: twitter.com/mattruby.
You'll get to read stuff like this:
Whenever I hear the B-52's, I start to think, "Hey, these guys aren't that bad." And then Fred Schneider starts singing.
My fave episode of LOST: The one where the writers have no idea what the story arc is for the entire series and cover it up w/ flashbacks!
Ah jeez. Can't afford $10 for Haiti text I sent. Spent it on an iPhone app where I pretend to deliver bags of rice to Haitian refugees.
Did you hear about the new Korean band that sounds just like Hanson? Their hit song is "BibiMMMbop."
[Screw you, I like that one.]
Just took a cross country flight that did NOT show an episode of "Two and a Half Men." I didn't realize that was possible.
It's pretty great that we now pretend like Mariah Carey was never crazy.
Don't get the words epitaph and epithet confused. Unfortunate gravestones will ensue.
I've noticed the less likely a girl is to sleep with you, the more likely she is to ask you to watch her purse.
Late night E train is a real humdinger. Got on it last night and I felt bad for NOT being homeless.
I don't get fancy glass bongs. Last thing I want is something really expensive, really fragile, and that I use EXCLUSIVELY when I'm on drugs.
Her: "I hooked up with [name of celeb]." Me: "I don't know who that is." Her [disappointed]: "Oh."
The only difference between the pilgrims and pirates is motive.
You'll get to read stuff like this:
Whenever I hear the B-52's, I start to think, "Hey, these guys aren't that bad." And then Fred Schneider starts singing.
My fave episode of LOST: The one where the writers have no idea what the story arc is for the entire series and cover it up w/ flashbacks!
Ah jeez. Can't afford $10 for Haiti text I sent. Spent it on an iPhone app where I pretend to deliver bags of rice to Haitian refugees.
Did you hear about the new Korean band that sounds just like Hanson? Their hit song is "BibiMMMbop."
[Screw you, I like that one.]
Just took a cross country flight that did NOT show an episode of "Two and a Half Men." I didn't realize that was possible.
It's pretty great that we now pretend like Mariah Carey was never crazy.
Don't get the words epitaph and epithet confused. Unfortunate gravestones will ensue.
I've noticed the less likely a girl is to sleep with you, the more likely she is to ask you to watch her purse.
Late night E train is a real humdinger. Got on it last night and I felt bad for NOT being homeless.
I don't get fancy glass bongs. Last thing I want is something really expensive, really fragile, and that I use EXCLUSIVELY when I'm on drugs.
Her: "I hooked up with [name of celeb]." Me: "I don't know who that is." Her [disappointed]: "Oh."
The only difference between the pilgrims and pirates is motive.
2/22/10
A night of comedy in San Diego
I'm out in San Diego. Did a show in Ocean Beach on Friday night. What happens when I do an out of town show and don't know anybody there? I sit in the back and get drunk while posting messages at twitter.com/mattruby. In case ya missed, here's the rundown (click photos for larger versions):
6:02 PM Feb 19th
whoever named this hood "Ocean Beach" was not exceptionally creative. It is purty though.
6:31 PM Feb 19th
To borrow the lingo of @robcantrell, I just fucked up a fish taco. Damn good. Mahi!
6:33 PM Feb 19th
This seems like a good neighborhood to get 1) a tattoo or 2) in a fistfight. Esp considering the bouncer is drunkest guy in the bar.
7:57 PM Feb 19th
I'm not sure the name of this place would fly in NYC.
7:59 PM Feb 19th
At show and there's a guy wearing a hoodie and a tie. I really hope he is a comic.
[He was!]
8:12 PM Feb 19th
Biggest laugh of the night so far = some joke about how marines always marry Filipino chicks. Crowd loved it! San Diego, you are adorable.
8:15 PM Feb 19th
Coming up after comedy: Bands who can't spell...so u *know* they rock. ...Totalley awesum!
9:31 PM Feb 19th
This room mutated from sour to hot to rowdy drunk. Fun time though. How it looked after 2.5 hrs:
I did Comedy Store in La Jolla last night which was also very fun. Another looooong show though. (What is it with Cali and these three hours shows?)
Other upcoming shows out here and then back in NYC this weekend:
Tue 2/23 9:00pm Comedy Night with Mal Hall @ Lestat's (SD)
Wed 2/24 8:00pm The Comedy Store La Jolla (SD)
Thu 2/25 8:00pm The Comedy Store La Jolla (SD)
Fri 2/26 8:00pm Hot Soup @ O'Hanlon's (NYC)
Sat 2/27 8:00pm We're All Friends Here @ The Creek (NYC)
6:02 PM Feb 19th
whoever named this hood "Ocean Beach" was not exceptionally creative. It is purty though.
6:31 PM Feb 19th
To borrow the lingo of @robcantrell, I just fucked up a fish taco. Damn good. Mahi!
6:33 PM Feb 19th
This seems like a good neighborhood to get 1) a tattoo or 2) in a fistfight. Esp considering the bouncer is drunkest guy in the bar.
7:57 PM Feb 19th
I'm not sure the name of this place would fly in NYC.
7:59 PM Feb 19th
At show and there's a guy wearing a hoodie and a tie. I really hope he is a comic.
[He was!]
8:12 PM Feb 19th
Biggest laugh of the night so far = some joke about how marines always marry Filipino chicks. Crowd loved it! San Diego, you are adorable.
8:15 PM Feb 19th
Coming up after comedy: Bands who can't spell...so u *know* they rock. ...Totalley awesum!
9:31 PM Feb 19th
This room mutated from sour to hot to rowdy drunk. Fun time though. How it looked after 2.5 hrs:
I did Comedy Store in La Jolla last night which was also very fun. Another looooong show though. (What is it with Cali and these three hours shows?)
Other upcoming shows out here and then back in NYC this weekend:
Tue 2/23 9:00pm Comedy Night with Mal Hall @ Lestat's (SD)
Wed 2/24 8:00pm The Comedy Store La Jolla (SD)
Thu 2/25 8:00pm The Comedy Store La Jolla (SD)
Fri 2/26 8:00pm Hot Soup @ O'Hanlon's (NYC)
Sat 2/27 8:00pm We're All Friends Here @ The Creek (NYC)
12/10/09
What I've been up to at Twitter: Lost vs. The Wire, face tattoos, etc.
Following me on Twitter? If not, you're missing out on quips like these:
Saw a guy with FULL face tattoo. Musta seen Tyson's face tattoo and
thought, "Nah, too subtle."
Can't believe I heard a commercial that starts out this way: "From the
director of Wild Hogs..." Maybe it's an ad for the apocalypse!
Brooklyn Academy of Music emailer subject: "Swedish Circus, Afro-pop
ballet, New French Films, & more." What, no Sri Lankan Burlesque!?
Waiter just got very aggro with water choice. "Would you prefer
sparkling water or will you be drinking from the gutter this evening?"
Sangria = "I'll take the cheapest wine you have filled with fruit that
you were about to throw away. And leave it an open bowl!"
Lost fans aren't as annoying as The Wire fans. Lost fans only know
what's in a hatch. Wire fans know "what's wrong with society."
Sometimes when I'm in Williamsburg I can't tell if people are having
fun or making fun of having fun.
More at twitter.com/mattruby.
Saw a guy with FULL face tattoo. Musta seen Tyson's face tattoo and
thought, "Nah, too subtle."
Can't believe I heard a commercial that starts out this way: "From the
director of Wild Hogs..." Maybe it's an ad for the apocalypse!
Brooklyn Academy of Music emailer subject: "Swedish Circus, Afro-pop
ballet, New French Films, & more." What, no Sri Lankan Burlesque!?
Waiter just got very aggro with water choice. "Would you prefer
sparkling water or will you be drinking from the gutter this evening?"
Sangria = "I'll take the cheapest wine you have filled with fruit that
you were about to throw away. And leave it an open bowl!"
Lost fans aren't as annoying as The Wire fans. Lost fans only know
what's in a hatch. Wire fans know "what's wrong with society."
Sometimes when I'm in Williamsburg I can't tell if people are having
fun or making fun of having fun.
More at twitter.com/mattruby.
4/30/09
Recent Twitter favorites
Follow me at Twitter and you'll get musings like these...
If I was a DJ, my DJ name would be Brass Tacks. And my flyers would say "Let's get down to Brass Tacks."
Darwinism fail: The most attractive people are NOT having the most children. (source: me after a weekend of tot-related events)
Please, no more jokes about 1) pagers and 2) 401k meaning $401,000. We GET it.
Audience etiquette card on the tables at Laugh Riot at the Hyatt show in Bethesda http://twitpic.com/405jc - good idea.
My sister has leopard skin wallpaper in her bathroom. We are a CLASSY family. http://twitpic.com/3x10a
I am hosting a show in the back of a sushi bar tonight. I guarantee you it will be raw.
Heavy drinkers hate New Year's Eve cuz it's "amateur night." Shouldn't stoners feel the same way about 4/20? And when is shroomer's day?
Wanna offend an indie rock snob? Misprounounce the name of The MC5 as if it's a McDonald's product: "My favorite band ever is The McFive!"
I don't care who your favorite Beatle is. As long as your least favorite Beatle is Paul. What a dick.
Jews are good at banking b/c Christians felt it was a dirty job. Hating 'em for it is like hating Mexicans for being good at washing dishes.
I don't understand people who get offended. If someone is wrong, they're stupid. Just ignore 'em. If someone is right, well, they're right.
I think astrology is for silly people. Do you really think everyone born within the same month as you has identical personality traits!?
I think the anarchist movement would go a lot further if it had a strong leader.
If I was a DJ, my DJ name would be Brass Tacks. And my flyers would say "Let's get down to Brass Tacks."
Darwinism fail: The most attractive people are NOT having the most children. (source: me after a weekend of tot-related events)
Please, no more jokes about 1) pagers and 2) 401k meaning $401,000. We GET it.
Audience etiquette card on the tables at Laugh Riot at the Hyatt show in Bethesda http://twitpic.com/405jc - good idea.
My sister has leopard skin wallpaper in her bathroom. We are a CLASSY family. http://twitpic.com/3x10a
I am hosting a show in the back of a sushi bar tonight. I guarantee you it will be raw.
Heavy drinkers hate New Year's Eve cuz it's "amateur night." Shouldn't stoners feel the same way about 4/20? And when is shroomer's day?
Wanna offend an indie rock snob? Misprounounce the name of The MC5 as if it's a McDonald's product: "My favorite band ever is The McFive!"
I don't care who your favorite Beatle is. As long as your least favorite Beatle is Paul. What a dick.
Jews are good at banking b/c Christians felt it was a dirty job. Hating 'em for it is like hating Mexicans for being good at washing dishes.
I don't understand people who get offended. If someone is wrong, they're stupid. Just ignore 'em. If someone is right, well, they're right.
I think astrology is for silly people. Do you really think everyone born within the same month as you has identical personality traits!?
I think the anarchist movement would go a lot further if it had a strong leader.
1/19/09
Twittering about Ponzi schemes, fashionably late, etc.
Follow me on Twitter to see what happens when I only have 140 characters to say something. For example:
Lots of talk re: "Ponzi schemes" in the news. But I always hear *Fonzi* schemes & imagine The Fonz hitting an ATM w/ his elbow & cash spitting out.
"fashionably late" = just goes to show what dicks fashion people are. Q: "what's in style this season?" A: "pinstripes...and being rude."
I sometimes get foot cramps during sex. That's why I keep a tub of gatorade next to the bed. Also, I dump it over her head when I'm done. A victory is a victory.
"a family is a dictatorship ruled over by its sickest member." -unknown
Line I enjoy using: "I'm going to have to check with Alanis Morrisette, but I'm pretty sure that's ironic."
"The theater is not so much a profession as a disease, and my first look at Broadway was the beginning of a lifelong infection." -Moss Hart
Wow, Halloween is on a Friday the 13th this year!
Something weird about Piano's as a comedy venue. Even when packed the crowd can be surprisingly tight. Seen it a few times now. Hmm.
Last night I did a show with 14 comics on the bill. Does that sound like a bad idea? It was!
CK & Birbigs didn't get super personal until years in. Maybe you need to put in time doing observational stuff b4 going introspective?
was contacted about audition for a show. the role acc to casting agent: "imagine tom green humping a tank." um, i don't think i'll get it.
Non-Jews using Yiddish terms = fun. E.g. After a show, a girl told me, "I like your stick." Took me a sec to realize she meant schtick.
"pagans" = the go to reference for those w/ wacky relig beliefs. Yeah, a relig that believes in the sacredness of nature - craaaazy, huh!?
Conan O'Brien to Tom Scharpling: "Being the straight man is the hardest thing in comedy."
12/19/08
Recent Twitter posts
Follow me on Twitter for quickies like these:
I'm tired of backlashes. Those have totally jumped the shark. And I've just about had it up to here with people who have had it up to here.
Things I don't get: karaoke, guitar hero, rock band. Reason: I actually LIKE music.
The king of ending jokes with some sorta singsongy melody: Patton Oswalt. Always gets a laugh though.
Just watched a tape of a recent set where I said "oh boy" in between jokes 5+ times (as a filler while I think). Need to watch that.
Act outs that give voice to animals are always funny. Norm opens with one here...Seinfeld does it a lot too.
Restaurants of New York: You can just assume that I want tap and not bottled water from here on out.
NYC problem: The word "mixologist" is used way too much. "Bartender" was working just fine.
Saw Tropic Thunder last week. So bad. I don't get 99% of what goes for funny in movies today.
I would love to have a microphone like Gene Rayburn used on Match Game: photo
Music theft didn't start with MP3s. People jacked BMG Music Club for tons of CDs when I was in college. Top signup name used: C.D. Stealy.
Misprounced words = funny. E.g. Zach G w/ "characters" (pronouncing the ch- like in charades) or Greg Proops saying "Stipaul" for St. Paul.
myq on naked show: "it's weirder for the audience...not that i'm trying to sell you. do what you like. be clothes-minded." nice dad pun!
"The impressed applause break" = when a crowd applauds because of performance, not funniness. Ways to get it: long lists, big act-outs, etc.
People who live in glass houses...spend a lot on curtains. Huuuuge heating bills otherwise.
12/3/08
Recent Twitter posts
Follow me on Twitter and ya can catch stuff like this:
You get the idea.
I love listening to Howard Stern interviews. He likes to say, "You make a good point." Keeps the interviewee talking and feeling positive.
Why aren't there more stores that sell hotcakes?
Wallace Stevens: "Sometimes you must go too far to see what would suffice."
The germaphobe's worst fear: the office bathroom key. It's like a portable cesspool.
Suggestion to Hallmark for an anti-romantic card: "You're like a diamond, but without the dead Africans."
Hoping to use this phrase soon: "Don't paint stripes on a horse and tell me it's a zebra!"
Abandoned a lame mic last night. Sometimes sanity is better than stage time.
The problem with the movie "Comedian" = Orny Adams. Is it even possible to be more unlikable than that guy? Ugh.
Search queries from yesterday that led people to my blog: "tyra banks as a dinosaur" and "menudo Halloween Show in New England"
Shakespeare plots are curiously similar to the plots of Three's Company episodes. Someone overhears something wrong and then hijinx ensue.
There are too many comics out there doing card tricks. And not enough making the statue of liberty disappear.
You get the idea.
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