Recent tweets on Kings, fish, Eagles, Ice Cream Men, and more

Trying to milk this hockey "playoff beard" thing but girl I'm seeing isn't buying that I'm growing out my "playoff back hair."

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 3, 2012

I generally interpret a cracked iPhone screen as a sign of a drinking problem.

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 2, 2012

Right now, a NY Post headline writer is secretly hoping that Billy Joel dies from a "Heart attack ack ack ack ack ack ack!"

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) March 25, 2012

The Ice Cream Man is the original food truck.

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) March 22, 2012

The band on the Titanic kept playing as it sank. But what about the ship comedian? I bet he did crowdwork. "Nice orange life vest, buddy."

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) March 20, 2012

It's surprising how upsetting I find the word "craisins."

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 3, 2012

Binge drinking: "I did 5 shots of whiskey in an hour." Binge viewing: "I watched 5 seasons of The Wire in a weekend."

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 27, 2012

My advice column... Q: I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load.Me: How many women are on you mind? Q: 7. Me: Take it easy.

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 25, 2012

I wonder if kings get mad when someone brings them a regular sized Snickers bar.

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 24, 2012

You know who loves strip clubs? Husbands!

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 14, 2012

At Williamsburg bars, it's tough to tell whether people are having fun or making fun of having fun.

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 7, 2012

Chicago = boring nice people. NYC = interesting assholes. LA = boring assholes.

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 16, 2012

"I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish" is the new "I'm not religious but I'm spiritual."

— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 6, 2012

Labels: funny stuff, twitter

Permalink | 5/24/2012