Trying to milk this hockey "playoff beard" thing but girl I'm seeing isn't buying that I'm growing out my "playoff back hair."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 3, 2012
I generally interpret a cracked iPhone screen as a sign of a drinking problem.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 2, 2012
Right now, a NY Post headline writer is secretly hoping that Billy Joel dies from a "Heart attack ack ack ack ack ack ack!"
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) March 25, 2012
The Ice Cream Man is the original food truck.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) March 22, 2012
The band on the Titanic kept playing as it sank. But what about the ship comedian? I bet he did crowdwork. "Nice orange life vest, buddy."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) March 20, 2012
It's surprising how upsetting I find the word "craisins."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 3, 2012
Binge drinking: "I did 5 shots of whiskey in an hour." Binge viewing: "I watched 5 seasons of The Wire in a weekend."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 27, 2012
My advice column... Q: I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load.Me: How many women are on you mind? Q: 7. Me: Take it easy.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 25, 2012
I wonder if kings get mad when someone brings them a regular sized Snickers bar.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 24, 2012
You know who loves strip clubs? Husbands!
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 14, 2012
At Williamsburg bars, it's tough to tell whether people are having fun or making fun of having fun.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 7, 2012
Chicago = boring nice people. NYC = interesting assholes. LA = boring assholes.
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) May 16, 2012
"I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish" is the new "I'm not religious but I'm spiritual."
— Matt Ruby (@mattruby) April 6, 2012
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