Some things I posted recently at twitter.com/mattruby:
Being mayor of a bar on Foursquare is a great way to tell the world you are a functional alcoholic.
It's strange that poor people have all the pickup trucks since rich people are the ones with all the stuff.
When I want to sound like I know about art, I throw around terms like raw umber and burnt sienna. "Mona Lisa? Has some great raw umber."
Why musicians get laid more than comics: Having a song written about you is way better than having a joke written about you.
No, iPhone autocorrect. That text was NOT asking her if she likes giving blow guns. But I must admit, that is a good question too.
Mercedes ads using Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz" are missing the point. Like Rumsfeld using Dylan's "Masters of War" to promote his book.
Staying friends after you break up just proves that you were having bad sex while going out.
Ice makes alcohol tolerable. Alcohol makes life tolerable.
I've never seen Bambi. My parents didn't want me to develop a soft side.
The Black Eyed Peas are the official soundtrack for fake enthusiasm.
What time does a Chinese guy go to the dentist? Whenever he makes the appointment, you racist prick.
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