Recently, I did a show where I said I do not believe 9/11 was an inside job. Apparently that's a controversial opinion in Long Island City. Here was the scene after the show:
Four guys circle around me telling me how naive I am. "There's no way Tower #7 could have fallen that way on it's own! You gotta look at who benefited from 9/11. Don't be so naive!"
I look at these four guys carefully. Hmm. How come the only people who know the truth about 9/11 are unemployed soundmen? Why's that part of it? Why do I need to have a wallet chain and really good weed to know it was some kind of false flag operation? And what the hell is a false flag operation?
Then I realized what else these four had in common. Apparently the secrets to 9/11 are being revealed at Wrestlemania. I should have known Vince McMahon's got the inside scoop.
My favorite part is the "You gotta look at who benefited from 9/11. Don't be so naive!" Listen, just because someone benefits from something, doesn't mean they CAUSED it. I can benefit from dating a girl with low self-esteem, that doesn't prove I'm her father.
It's also weird to me that conspiracy theorists tend to be so opposed to religion. Because conspiracy theories are their religion. There's still a higher power running the show, it's just a slightly different version.
"Those morons actually think some guy with a beard and a robe is up in the sky controlling everything! Ridiculous!! 'Cuz clearly it's a cabal of the Defense Department, Halliburton, and the Jews."
As H.L. Mencken once said, "The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy." But wait, did Mencken REALLY say that? That's probably exactly what The Illuminati want us to think!
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email email@example.com.
The truth about 9/11 conspiracy theorists
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You got to look at who benefited! The makers of tiny american flags were behind it all!
I'm an Occam's Razor kind of guy. The simplest explanation for the towers falling is that planes piloted by muslim extremists flew into them at top speed. I'm going to go with that one.
Dude... why would you NOT have a wallet chain and really good weed?
Amen Joe Hicks. Amen.
I have both.
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