The worst Chuck Norris fact ever

I was watching TV and Chuck Norris came on the screen. Friend of mine goes “Did you know he’s a born again Christian?” THIS is your interesting Chuck Norris fact? That he's a born again Christian? I don't think you understand. Chuck Norris' testicles are fists! Do you realize that? He has fisticles!!! Who cares about his religion? He sleeps on a bed made of human skulls! Get your priorities straight. You need to learn which information to share. "This guy is the square root of destruction...and he's a Sagittarius." ONE of those things is interesting.

Live concerts shot in a minimalist way: CK, Cosby, Pryor, and Springsteen

When asked about the minimalist style of "Chewed Up" (in the commentary track I talked about earlier), Louis CK mentions his favorite two examples of comedians caught on film: Bill Cosby "Himself" and Richard Pryor "Live in Concert" (different than Pryor's "Live on the Sunset Strip").

He points out that in both, they keep it bare bones. They never show the audience and there's a simple set. That's why he decided to go in the same direction. The idea: Glitz doesn't make people funnier. It just makes the whole thing seem like more of a production.

Cosby in "Himself":



Pryor in "Live in Concert":



CK in "Chewed Up":



CK also mentions this Bruce Springsteen video of "The River" as "one of his favorite things to watch" because it feels like "a live event captured," not an overproduced, glammed up thing.

Compare that with the cheesefest that is Bruce's "Dancing in the Dark" video and you get a pretty good idea what CK is talking about.

Wandering with a wireless mic

I did a couple of shows that had wireless mics recently. And I decided to wander through the crowd. Fun way to open up the room.

Audio below is from the Treehouse mic where people can hang in a separate room in the back. There were more people back there than in the front so I decided to grab the wireless mic and take it to the streets. Like the Doobie Brothers. Actually, I felt more like Neil Diamond — and said so. Plus, I spotted another comic's "Aquaman vs. the Joker" comic book and decided to go off on that too.

I'll be performing at SXSW

I've been invited to perform at the SXSW Festival in Austin, TX next month. I'll be doing spots on Friday, March 20 and Saturday, March 21 (time TBD) at The Velveeta Room. Should be great crowds and fun shows (also performing: John Mulaney, Todd Barry, Nick Kroll, Eugene Mirman, Hannibal Burress, Marc Maron, etc.). Looking forward to it.

Highlights from the great commentary on Louis CK's "Chewed Up" DVD

The self-interview piece that's a special feature on Louis CK's "Chewed Up" DVD is totally fascinating. 36 minutes of really interesting insight into standup and his approach. Some highlights:

Building a bit like a Samurai sword
He says that lately he's been adding on to jokes more instead of just keeping them static.

Now I tend to just keep glomming onto something and adding more and more layers and pieces and then taking away stuff that was weak...It's like the way they make Samurai swords. They fold a piece of steel and bang it until it's thin. And then they fold it again and bang it again until it's thin until it's just compact and all the air and impurities are just leaving and it's just this pure, dense steel. So that's what I try to do.

Neat Samurai sword analogy. This idea of extending bits is something that's been on my mind a lot lately too. How to build on existing jokes as opposed to coming up with new ones — and trying to fold older jokes and new ones together to make more of an actual block of material. Something that's really got some meat to it as opposed to just a 30 second in-and-out thing.

Being authentic
Why he chooses to be authentic: It's more fun.

I like to do standup that's very honest. I don't think it's the only way to be a comedian. Some people the whole point of their act is that they're lying or being fantastic or really silly or absurd. I think Steven Wright is a great comedian. Nobody says, "God he's so honest." He's not one of those guys. He just has a whole different thing that makes him funny and makes him great.

For me, what guides what I decide to say or do onstage or not is, "Is this shit really true? Is this really shit you're thinking?" If it's not, you're gonna feel phony and stupid. I don't like phony. I don't like it for me.

There's times I've been getting huge laughs with a bit and then I look at it and I go, "But it ain't real." I don't really mean it. I just knew where to go to find laughs. So sometimes I throw that kind of material away after I kill with it a few times.

To me, it's not important on an integrity level. It's just that it's so much more fun to say shit that's really inside you, that really gnaws at your brain, and to share those thoughts with other people. And especially if they're thoughts that people aren't used to sharing in a humorous way, things that people aren't even used to saying out loud.

I mean beyond saying "fuck" and talking about sex. The really embarrassing unsaid truths. Those are really fun to tell an audience and have them laugh. It's something that I really enjoy. That's why I'm doing standup this way. It's because I like it.

Almost a year ago I asked, "Does great comedy have to come from a personal place?" Since then, I actually have gotten more personal with my material. I'm not 100% there but definitely doing more. And I agree that it's more fun.

One thing that's nice about the "say shit that's really inside you" approach: It really helps a lot when you're in a dead room or things aren't going smoothly. When that happens, it just feels so much better to be talking about something you actually care about instead of ranting about some silly observational thing that no one really gives a shit about. If you're gonna sink, it might as well be on a boat you believe in.

There are no bad gigs
CK also thinks comics should look to take on bad gigs.

It doesn't matter where or who the audiences are. When I meet young comedians who say, "I don't want to work the road." Or "I don't want to work that club because the audiences are stupid." You're fucking stupid. Just get onstage. Go onstage in adverse conditions, that's how you get good.

Do you really think that becoming a great comedian means finding audiences that are already ready to laugh at what you have to say? That are really nice polite audiences? Do you really think that Carlin and Pryor and Bill Cosby started out in clubs full of cool people that were ready to laugh? No. So you gotta come up through a hard road. And that's fun, if you approach it right.

So many alt comics bitch about clubs and vice versa. But there's definitely something to be said for being versatile enough to kill at both. Or anywhere else for that matter. Like Mike Lawrence told me last night, when you've got a joke that kills in a black club in Harlem, at a midtown theater show, and at an art-star mic in the East Village, that's when you know you've got something.

Start from scratch
CK's advice for aspiring standups: Throw out all your jokes.

If you're a comedian and you're killing and you think you can keep doing the same jokes for years and years — Unless you're the best comedian that ever lived, you should be throwing out all your jokes because they stink and writing new ones. 'Cuz it's not like you get worse, you only get better.

Something Mark and I talked about the other night: How it'd be neat to just throw out all our material and start from scratch. The problem: Your A-set is a lifeline you don't want to give up. Sure, you may work in a new bit here and there. But dumping it all? That's a hard pill to swallow. You're gonna go through rough spots instead of killing as much as you know you could. But I also think if you did it, you could muscle up some of your B-material and turn it into A.

And the rest...
Couple more quick CK things: He mentions that Muhammad Ali is his life hero "in every way." And he says he curses because when he doesn't, he feels like he's being dishonest.

Actually, one thing I took away from the whole interview: It feels like he's kinda addicted to telling the truth. He has to explain why an answer is cut by saying the batteries on his camera ran out. And then he explains that the light is different because he went and ate a sandwich. And when he's talking about boxing, he stops himself and says, "This is all way too serious and self-indulgent." It's like his filter is broken or something. If it's on his mind, it comes out.

Enough with this "greatest generation" talk

Heard a couple of old timers refer to themselves as "the greatest generation" the other day. (Not exactly the humblest generation, are they?)

I'm pretty sure the greatest generation is ALWAYS the one that's just about to die. No one's gonna stick up for generations from centuries ago. You won't hear, "Those guys in the 1820's really kicked the shit out of smallpox."

It's always the same argument too: "We lived through the great depression and WWII." Yeah, I can't imagine what it would be like to live through a total collapse of the economic system and a war that never seems to end. Maybe one day our generation will have SOME idea what that's like.

Notice how you never hear about the things they were awful on. Putting the Japanese in internment camps. Blacklisting communists. Turning firehoses on black people because they wanted to VOTE. Yup, you sure did knock it out the park on all those things, greatest generation.

It all just seems like a big middle finger to the generation after them. Which is strange because that's THEIR kids. Everytime they call themselves "the greatest generation" alive, they're kinda saying, "Wow, we sure were awful parents!"

Now on iTunes: My appearance on The David Angelo Radio Show

In case you missed the live broadcast, my appearance on The David Angelo Radio Show is now available in iTunes. It's the 2/12/09 episode.

When should you quit?

So it takes years to get great at standup. But what if you just suck and never get good? How do you know when to hang it up? Do you really want to be the guy who gets up onstage and the younger guys start whispering to each other, "Did you know he's been doing it for 12 years!? And he's doing this same shit show as us."

I've heard comics mention "tests" they need to meet. One is seven years. By seven years in, you need to have either a real TV credit (like a "Live at Gotham") or a big festival spot (e.g. Just For Laughs) or something that shows you're on the crab. (Yeah, it's a Deadliest Catch reference. Sue me.) Another test: If you've been doing it for a while and you haven't killed in the past year, you should quit.

Of course, it all depends what you want to get out of it. As long as you keep getting better and are enjoying it, you might as well keep doing it. If it's just a hobby, go as long as you want.

But there can be a problem if you're one of these tone deaf people who just doesn't get it. You know, the guy who still wants to "make it" but everyone else knows it just ain't gonna happen. Imagine a 300 lb. 50-year old who's convinced he can make the NBA. There's a fine line between "having a dream" and being batfuck delusional.

Reminds me of something I've heard Birbigs talk about before: You have to lie to yourself and be delusional to make it as a standup because you're just not good at first. The problem is a strong sense of self-delusion can make people think they're getting somewhere when they're not.

A related thing I don't get is people who have done standup for a while and aren't getting booked on a lot of real shows but think they're above open mics. If you're so funny, how come you're not getting booked more? And if you're not as funny as you want to be, then why aren't you going to mics more? Bugs me when people think they're "owed" something by how many years they've been doing comedy. Everyone's gotta scratch and claw for it. Maybe you've spent all those years doing it wrong, ya know?

Video: "The Lake is Closed"

Talking about shrooms...



FYI, the video portion of this clip was shot the day this happened.

Comedy Feng Shui: 10 things that ruin comedy shows

Comedy is a fragile thing. One little distraction can throw an entire room off.

So let's say you're thinking about starting a comedy room. Obviously, ya want funny comics and a decent audience. But there's more to it than just that.

Here's a list of 10 common problems that bring down comedy shows. Keep in mind if you're producing a show.

1) Distractions in the room
#1 culprit: The bar's in the same room as the show. People ordering drinks can be loud and distract from the stage. A venue where the bar is in a separate room is ideal. Also, any other distractions or things moving in the room can take a toll. If you have waitstaff, make sure they take orders quickly and quietly. Unplug any video games that flash or make sounds. Same goes for disco balls or flashing lights. If there are loud audience members, go over and politely ask 'em to keep it down. Etc.

2) The PA sucks
Get a decent sound system. Karaoke machines or boomboxes or tiny guitar amps rarely amplify a comic's voice enough. Comics need to be louder than the crowd. Otherwise, it can turn into a free for all. Volume is one of the powerful advantages a comic has over a heckler (or other crowd disturbance).

3) Shitty host
Nothing's worse than a mediocre MC who keeps coming back onstage and killing the momentum by doing too much time between acts. Good hosts aren't selfish. The make everyone feel comfortable, warm up the room, keep the energy positive, bring the crowd back if someone bombs, prevent distractions, etc. Save the indulgent sets for when you're just doing a regular spot. When you're hosting, your job is to make the other comics look good.

4) Crowd is too far apart
You want the room to feel as intimate as possible. (The goal is to get the whole crowd to feel like a cohesive unit.) So put your seats close together. And do what ya can to avoid a split room, where people are, say, on the left and right sides but the middle is empty. If you're not seating people, have the host encourage 'em to move up (or left/right) so the room feels balanced. It's an annoying thing to have to do, but it can make or break the show. And take away the back row(s) of seats if you expect a less than full house.

5) Too much light
The more light there is, the more people feel self-conscious and think others are looking at them. And when they feel that way, they don't laugh.

6) Noise spilling in
If there's a DJ spinning in the back room and it bleeds in, everyone's gonna be distracted from the stage. Same with a loud AC unit or other noisey stuff. The closer you get the room to feeling like a theatre (i.e. quiet and dark), the more people will get into the show.

7) Bad room layout
A wide but shallow room is better than a long and deep one. (If people are too far away from the stage, they don't feel involved and it's easier to tune out.) Also, make sure there's actually a raised stage. If comics are on the floor, they lose the power ya get from being elevated on stage.

8) Mixed media
Doing a variety show that has music, sketch, improv, and/or standup combined seems like a fun idea. But it can really wreck the flow of a show. Handle with care if you take this approach.

9) Free booze or tickets
Giving away free booze and tickets (aka "papering the room") gets people in the seats, but there's a price to pay: They're a lot more likely to be mooks that talk or don't pay attention. And if ya give out free booze before or during a show, things can get a bit rough 'n tumble.

10) Producer doesn't care
If the person putting the show together doesn't care, it shows. The best rooms are run by people who care about both the performers and the audience. That's why The Comedy Cellar or The Comedy Studio (in Boston) are such great rooms...the ownership gives a shit and it shows.

For example, check out The Cellar's reservation page:

Our space is limited, intimate and cozy. We find that parties larger than 8 are usually noisy (even without meaning to be) and this disrupts the show. Multiple reservations resulting in groups larger than 8 will also not be honored. Over the years, we have found this to be an essential rule to follow. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Most venues would kill to have a large group. But that can kill the show for everyone else. Admirable restraint on The Cellar's part I think. And the reservation confirmation e-mail also includes this note:

We ask that you please keep conversation to a minimum during the show. It's a small room, and even whispering can be heard by the performers and people around you. If this seems like a no brainer, it's because you are sober. After a drink or two, it sometimes seems less obvious!

Gentle but firm. A good tone to keep in mind when dealing with audience members.

Now, avoiding all these things won't guarantee a good show. But it will definitely increase the odds. And at least you won't have a bunch of bitchy comics in the back of the room making excuses for why they didn't have good sets.

Actually, you'll always have that. But at least it'll be a bit less justified.

We're All Friends Here: Latest podcast is live and next show's on Friday at 9pm

The podcast from the last show is now live: listen here. Next one's on Friday at 9pm and will feature Julian McCullough, Jamie Lee, David Angelo, and Gilad Foss!

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE
The comedy chat show with boundary issues!
Hosted by Matt Ruby and Mark Normand
Friday, February 20
9:00pm @ The Creek
10-93 Jackson Ave at 49th Ave
Long Island City, NY
Map (it's just one subway stop from Brooklyn and Manhattan)

And check out our new logo (thanks to Megan Pendergrass):

Audio: The fuzz and me at the beach

I was accused of being a pedophile on the day of my mom's funeral. Here's how that went down:


(There's a longer version of this story on the latest We're All Friends Here podcast but this version's tighter.)

The most underrated comedian in NYC is Jesse Popp

Tompkins. Mulaney. Popp. Tonight at UCB for free. Huzzah.

Good to see Jesse Popp up there with those names too. He's the most underrated comic in the city. He's constantly churning out new material and it's always hilarious. Masterful writer, great Norm-esque sarcastic delivery, and a swell guy to boot.



He's the guy who every comic I know is like, "Damn, he's so good. Why isn't he getting more stuff?" Sometime you'll hear people playing a guessing game about him: "How much awesome material does Popp have in the bank? 2 hours? 3? More?" I actually smiled when I saw he was added to tonight's lineup 'cuz he really deserves to be on the best shows with other great comics.

Check out the clips at his MySpace page. Also, you can see him every Sunday at Beauty Bar at 9pm at the show he cohosts with the also very funny Vince Averill. Popp also had a fun We're All Friends Here interview which you can listen to here.

Put on your own show

Most of the shows I do spots on are produced by other comics. They work to bring out a crowd, set it up with the venue, etc. I do the same so I know it's a pain. A fun pain, but still.

So, if you're an up and coming comic, is it your duty to produce a show? Is it fine for a standup to just perform for audiences other comics work to bring out but to never bring anyone out themselves?

I don't if it's a duty, but I definitely think it's a good idea. First of all, it seems kind of leechy to be someone who benefits from the efforts of your peers without giving back in any way. You're like a dude who likes getting head but refuses to eat pussy. Second, it's a great way to get on the map. People notice when you put on a show, especially if it's a good one.

I can imagine the counterargument: "But I don't think I can bring out a crowd." Then host a mic or something. Or team up with a few other comics to put on a group show so there's less pressure on each individual to draw. "But I'm a bad host." Then get someone else to host for you and just do a normal set during the show.

If you don't put on a show or contribute to the scene in some other way, then you better be so hilarious that booking you is an irresistible option. (Once you kill consistently, then it doesn't really matter if you're producing shows. You bring something to the table that ain't easy to find: consistent funny.) But if you're not bringing that and you're not putting on a show, why do you think others will reach out to you?

I guess it's a slippery slope though since this tit for tat mentality can lead to the whole "I booked you on a show so you should book me" thing. That makes me uncomfortable because, well, I want to do spots on other people's shows but not feel like I'm then obligated to book them on mine. So maybe I'm a hypocrite?

Sea of glasses at Eugene Mirman show

Photo taken at Eugene Mirman's book release party the other night:



Only one conclusion can be drawn: Eugene Mirman's comedy will destroy your eyes! Either that or he's got some new bit that's in 3D. He's always innovating that guy.

"The bathroom attendant just strongarmed me into giving him a dollar."

A guy I know came out of the bathroom at a comedy club and said, "The bathroom attendant just strongarmed me into giving him a dollar." I said, "Really? Did you wash your hands?" His reply: "Yeah. And then I took a piece of gum, a lollipop, and some cologne."

So it wasn't so much that the attendant strongarmed him as it was that he didn't want to LOSE money being a bathroom attendant. It's not like he's got a sponsorship deal. The guys at Dentyne aren't going, "How can we reach that exclusive urinal demographic?"

And I love the idea of a bathroom attendant "strongarming" someone. Strongarming is for communist dictators. That's like saying, "That shoeshine boy rules his stand with an iron fist! Surrender or your shoes go to Siberia!" Stalin and Castro strongarm. When you're the bathroom attendant at Comix named King, you ask.

Yeah, his name is actually King. Which I find fairly amusing since he's a bathroom attendant. I give his parents points for positive thinking. But I might have to deduct a few for accuracy. "What's the name of the new janitor?" "Princess."

Red Velvet Whoopie Pie

Can't decide whether this thing looks more like a clam from another planet or a pocket pussy...from another planet. I also love that it's called a gob. What better way to say Happy Valentine's Day than to give your lover a vagina gob!

Letterman: "Joaquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight."

Joaquin Phoenix melts down on Letterman [via RVV]:



Man, fascinating to watch. Phoenix seems like he's doing a bit, like Charles Grodin used to do on Carson and Letterman when he'd act all fake pissed off. And he gets laughs too. It's a train wreck but the crowd is riveted. I'm kinda tired of the whole "The Office" formula (i.e. uncomfortable moments = comedy), but here's a real life example of why it works so well. Cringe-worthy moments and laughter are closely linked.

Letterman is such a pro too. Keeps an even keel and pokes fun while keeping the whole thing afloat. (Doing We're All Friends Here has given me a new respect for the challenges that interviewers face.) "What can you tell us about your days with The Unabomber?" "Joaquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight." And I love when he asks, "Can you set up the clip for us Joaquin?" and Paul just starts laughing!

Tonight (Thu) I'll be on the radio on The David Angelo Show

Tonight (Thu) at 8-9pm I'll be appearing live on The David Angelo Show. Angelo's a super funny comic and his radio show is rated #9 somewhere. I'm not sure where but I bet it's somewhere good. Go here to listen: www.davidangeloradio.com. Or it will be archived later if you're that sort.

Here's Angelo on the show:

So the show is really picking up some charge. The first episode had over 500 downloads through itunes and switchpod - which is probably the best debut in non-celebrity podcasting history. I am also pretty sure we are destroying the Quincy Jones podcast in the numbers game.

Also, Angelo likes puns a lot so I've been getting ready...

1) I went to a party at Jimmy Dean's place the other night. It was a total sausagefest.
2) Did you hear about the new Beverly Hills Cop exfoliating sponge? It's called The Axl-F-oliator.

Oh man, get ready. (251)-300-JOKE is the call-in line for the show if you want to ask us questions about illegal immigration (I'm pro!) or the Jets quarterback situation (I'm con!). I don't believe you're allowed to call in about anything else on talk radio though.

And talk about synergy...Angelo is on the next We're All Friends Here show on Feb 20 (Fri) at The Creek at 9pm. Hee ya. Details...

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE:
The comedy chat show with boundary issues!
Hosted by Matt Ruby and Mark Normand
Friday, February 20
9:00pm @ The Creek
10-93 Jackson Ave at 49th Ave
Long Island City, NY
Map: http://tinyurl.com/3l4wot
Just one subway stop from Brooklyn and Manhattan

This show will feature Julian McCullough, Jamie Lee, David Angelo, and Gilad Foss!

Valentine's liquor store

The liquor store near my home:



Just what I need: A liquor store that comes right out and tells me, "You're mine." C'mon booze, you don't have to rub it in.