Investigate: I can't get enough of serious investigative journalism. That's why I so enjoy "Kickin' it with Byron Allen."
Political: I'm usually not a fan of music with a political message but I think that last Shakira record is great.
Wristbands: Cool hipster guys often wear leather wristbands. You know, 'cuz they're fucking gladiators. No one messes with the vegan alumni of Bard College's Fine Arts program...NO ONE.
Bahamavention: I'm pretty sure a friend of mine needs a Bahamavention. He's addicted to the Bahamas. If he doesn't limbo for more than 12 hours, he starts shaking uncontrollably. And he won't stop braiding his hair either.
Geography: One thing I've noticed from watching "Bad Boys of Comedy" is that a lot of black comics are bad at geography. They often come out and shout to the crowd, "Brooklyn, where you at?" Dude, the show is being taped in Brooklyn! How can you not know where Brooklyn is at when you are in Brooklyn? MapQuest that shit, yo.
Drop: I was just talking with my good buddy Ethan Hawke about how much we hate people who name drop.
Legally blind: Some people are legally blind. Does that mean other people are illegally blind? "Hey, arrest that motherfucker...he is blind without permission!" Luckily for the cops, it'd be easy to chase this particular set of criminals down.
VS: Victoria's Secret should open up a branch in Iran. It could sell the MiracleBirka ("makes you look 30% more virtuous than you actually are.") And the WonderVeil ("your eyes will look twice as forlorn!")
Tofurkey: I consider Tofurkey and Fake'n the tribute bands of the food world. "Rocking with nearly as much flavor as real beef: Not Dogs!"
Reality: Someone should make a reality tv show about a bunch of washed up reality tv show producers forced to live together.
Monkeys: Is a barrel of monkeys really that fun? Not for the monkeys, I bet. And what kind of asshole gets off watching monkeys squirm in a barrel anyway? "Ooh, animals stuffed into a small container! Bring out the mug full of squirrels next!"
Zen: I like to write Zen proverbs for depressed people. "What's the sound of one man napping?" "Every single journey begins with the longest step." "If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, it just goes to show life is meaningless and we're all going to die eventually...sad and alone."
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email email@example.com.
10 things: Brooklyn, where you at?
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