Everyone in NYC is so obsessed with themselves. All they want to talk about is themselves. It's tough for me to talk with people like that because I know I'm so much more interesting than they are. Don't they realize we should be talking about my life!? How can these people not realize that? Silly.
People who've lived in NYC their whole lives are the craziest. They're always nostalgic for a time when the city was a complete hellhole. "Sure, there were homeless people everywhere, junkies in the park, and whores in Times Square, but the city had a real energy back then!" Um, energy is overrated. 'Cuz you know where has a real energy right now? Darfur. The place is hopping. If you love energy so much, go there. Fuck Virginia, Darfur is for lovers.
I used to live in the East Village (aka hipster central). Hipsters always wear the same shit. Because, you know, the best way to express that you're a creative, individual thinker is by dressing exactly like everyone around you. My favorite hipster accessory: the leather wristband. Because you know, these 112 lb. guys are fucking gladiators. Vegan warriors. No one messes with the Fine Arts Program at Bard College, NO ONE! They'll slice you with their asymmetrical haircuts, crush you with PBR cans, and then use your blood to make street art.
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
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