16 things/people I've seen at open mics that were unintentionally funny

Open mics are a weird path to success. It's like if you decided that you wanted to win a gold medal in the Olympics. And they're like, "Sure, but first you've got to train with all the people at the Special Olympics." And you're like, "Ok, but these people don't even know which direction to run in...and I think they might be racists too."

But alas, you need stage time so what else are you gonna do? (My take: If you're not getting up 3+ times a week via booked shows, you should still be hitting mics.)

One way I try to stay sane at mics is to write down notes of things/people I think are funny...but not in the way they're supposed to be. Some examples:

1. "Am I right?" guy. He says the most absurd things and then tags them with "Am I right?" "They're shooting people in the schools. Am I right?" "Women deserve to be shot. Am I right?" Uh, whatever you say dude.

2. Some guy said this: "If you want a girl to pet your balls, pretend it's a puppy." WTF?

3. I enjoy when people laugh at the wrong places during jokes. Like one time this guy was setting up a joke and said, "I went to college." An audience member in the back started laughing.

4. Worst/best heckle ever: "I feel bad for you." Pretty bad, huh? Even worse: It was delivered by a girl who is handicapped.

5. One time a handicapped person got up onstage and told a really racist joke. Which led me to wonder: If someone handicapped tells a racist joke, are you supposed to laugh? It's like some sort of bizarre Zen comedy proverb.

6. You see plenty of Moleskine notebooks at mics. I love the aspirational tone of Moleskine's marketing copy: "This is the legendary notebook, as used by Van Gogh and Matisse, Hemingway and Chatwin." What they should say: "This is the legendary notebook, as used by thousands of shitty open mic'ers."

7. There was a guy in a Notre Dame shirt telling abortion jokes. That's like a guy in a PETA shirt telling Michael Vick jokes.

8. Ah, the 'ol unrelatable premise. "Remember the first time you joined the priesthood?" Ok, I made that one up. But that's what always comes into my head when I hear a comic who's got a premise you can't possibly relate to.

9. Sometimes there are mixed mics with musicians there too. One time a girl tuned between each song for an agonizingly long time and explained it by saying, "If you use a tuner, you lose your ears." Yeah, but if you don't use a tuner, you lose your audience. I love the level of disrespect for the audience there. "I'm going to do this thing that's really painful to you because it's better for me. Next I'm going to stab you repeatedly because it will be really good for my triceps!"

10. A few times I've seen a couple on a date at a mic. Neither one is a comic. What kind of bizarre S&M thing is that? Forget whips/chains, if you're attending open mics for fun than you are truly sick.

11. "Too soon" guy. No dude, not too soon...too not funny. Chronology was not the issue.

12. The guy who's convinced timing is the issue. One time, I saw a guy who ended a "joke" with "God is the king of all butt rapers." No one laughed. Then he said, "I know, I have to work on my timing." Yeah, timing, that's the problem. That's like a 400 lb. dude who's convinced his problem with the ladies is bad breath.

13. You know you're racial humor isn't going over well when you get off the stage and then tell someone, "It's ok, I'm half black."

14. There's one open mic in town that actually has a bathroom attendant. "Finally! How am i supposed to deliver laughs and grab my own paper towels. What kind of superman do you think I am? Deliver jokes and grab my own paper towels? I think not. Check my rider." Oof, that's gotta be a fun job...y'know, because open mic'ers are notoriously good tippers.

15. One mic tried to have a different theme every week for the comics to riff off of. The theme one week: "Broken dreams." Isn't an open mic with the theme of "broken dreams" a bit redundant? What's next week's theme: delusional people who want to perform but can't attract real audience members!? "Broken dreams" is the theme of every open mic. It's like going to a Klan rally where the theme of the week is "racism."

16. There's a mic hosted by a gay dude who likes to boast about his sexual exploits with underage boys, illegal immigrants, etc. Here's what I said about that onstage:

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