First of all, so much handshaking. What are we, businessmen? Politicians working a rope line? I see you at shows three times a week. Do we really need to go through this formality? I've gotta bring a bottle of Purell with me anytime I go to a mic. A nod and a "hey" is plenty.
And then everyone's always trying to one-up each other on funny lines. How about just having a normal conversation? You know, with sentences that don't end with a plea for laughter/approval. You don't have to act like there's constantly an invisible mic in your hand.
And they're so gossipy. "Did ya hear that so and so sent so and so a text message that said..." No, I didn't. And I don't care.
And why are so many comedians so socially awkward? Half the time I feel like I'm hanging out with a bunch of sixth graders at a middle school dance. Sorry, I don't really feel like talking about the latest issue of "Wolverine" or some trailer for a Sci-Fi movie that comes out in 2014 or Xbox vs. PlayStation or the plotline of "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan" (didn't the Muppets already take Manhattan?).
There's a whole world outside of comic books, movies, TV, video games, Facebook, and comedy shows...but you wouldn't know it from half the conversations these guys have. I really don't ever want to hear about "Lost" or "The Dark Knight" again.
I wind up feeling like William Shatner in that Star Trek convention skit on SNL (video):
Shatner: You know, before I answer any more questions there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and I've spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveled... y'know... hundreds of miles to be here, I'd just like to say... GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!
[ a crowd of shocked and dismayed Trekkies.... ]
I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves?
[ to "Ears" ] You, you must be almost 30... have you ever kissed a girl?
[ "Ears" hangs his head ]
I didn't think so! There's a whole world out there! When I was your age, I didn't watch television! I LIVED! So... move out of your parent's basements! And get your own apartments and GROW THE HELL UP! I mean, it's just a TV show dammit, IT'S JUST A TV SHOW!
Charlie: Are- are you saying then that we should pay more attention to the movies?
Shatner: NO!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING AT ALL!!!
And so I sit silently in the corner, wait for my set, smile and try to be polite, and then get the fuck out of there.
Some comics are constantly hustling to do multiple spots in a a night. I get that and do it myself sometimes. But I wonder if these guys might be better off taking a few nights off, going out into the normal world and interacting with civilians. Living a life. You know, that thing you're supposed to talk about onstage.
[FYI: Yes, I realize how ridic it is to be a BLOGGER telling others to get a life.]
Anyway, I'm going back to my cave. (Good thing I'm not socially awkward at all, eh?) Hmm, maybe now you can see why you don't find me on a lot of other comics' MySpace "Top Friends" lists.