For one thing, it has lots of photos. And every photo includes Gurian himself (alongside someone else). And sometimes the column is even him writing about the photo of himself with these people. Usually at the Friar's Club.
I’m sitting at a table in The Milton Berle room, where most of the book parties take place, and I wind up at a table of only three people, me, Belz, and Paul Shaffer, who I’ve known even longer than I do Belz. As proof I offer the classic three in one photo that we started taking many years ago.
Three-in-one photo of me, Belzer and Shaffer taken at The Friars Club.
A few years later, I brought that original photo with me when we were together and took a photo of us standing in the same order holding the original photo, and then did it a third time years after that. So it’s a photo of me, Belzer and Shaffer, holding a photo of me, Belzer and Shaffer, holding yet another photo of me, Belzer and Shaffer. We actually tried for a fourth, but it didn’t come out.
I get dizzy just thinking about it! Does he carry this photo around all the time, just hoping he'll run into these guys!?
Then he starts harassing people. He gives Belzer shit for not giving him a personal enough inscription when signing his book. Then he admits to boring actor Tony Roberts by telling him how he "originally met him through Woody Allen many years before when they were in Play It Again Sam."
Then he gets around to talking about Birbigs' new show and goes into it with this great intro:
As a young child I had a lot of scary dreams. I dreamt of two men named Bunce and Bunce-Labin, (I swear those were their names, and if you don’t believe me, ask my parents!) who came into my room at night, and ran their very long, sharp fingernails over my body hoping to wake me up so they could hurt me. I was a very strange child. But never, … not once, did I ever dream of a jackal entering my room.
And then he tells how he interviewed Birbigs but lost the interview!
So I went backstage and taped his story, which somehow disappeared even though I downloaded it onto my computer. The recording disappeared and the computer file disappeared. Lately, I’m losing a lot of s**t!
And then he explains why Jews are funny:
There was a time when all comedians were Jewish, even the ones that weren’t. For whatever reason Jews like to laugh, and mostly at themselves. It’s a gift we were given for being The Chosen People! As we were leaving The Promised Land they gave out gift bags, and each one of them had a certificate for a sense of humor.
Oh, and he loves Wendy Williams.
She actually comes out onstage and opens the show. The night I saw her she pulled up in a red Bentley that made my white Jag look like a roller-skate. She sat in the restaurant like a Queen and all her subjects came to pay homage.
Did ya see how he through in that reference to his Jag? And in between all this stuff is LOTS more photos of him standing next to people like "super model Josie Maran."
Can you make his column if you don't pose for a photo with him? Where does he get his hair did? Is he actually for real...or just Punchline's version of Jackie Harvey? So many questions!!!