Spellchecking Hanukkah

Happy Hanukkah! Burn that midnight oil! That phrase is about Hanukkah, right? Or is it a quote from that bald Australian dude who is worried about our beds burning? I can never remember.

(Have you ever tried to spellcheck Hanukkah? I just did and my Mac responded with "whatever"...hmm.)

Hanukkah is a weird holiday because it kinda reinforces some negative stereotypes about Jews. What shape do we like our chocolate? In the shape of gold coins! If only I could have all my food shaped like cash. And waiter, bring me a slice of that cake that's in the shape of controlling the media.

Also, the whole holiday is based on the idea that we got a great deal. We paid for one night of oil yet it lasted for eight nights. What a value. It's like Uncle Morty going, "These slacks? I got them for 70% off at a Macy's. A real bargain. We should turn this into a holiday!"

Speaking of relatives, did you know my dad used to inspect my hands before I could eat dinner every night? True story. He would smell them in order to make sure I had washed them. That's a father's way of saying, "I've got this problem. And now I'm passing it on to you."

Needless to say, I now wash my hands all the time. And I have issues with grabbing that pole on the subway. Have you ever seen someone do that and then bite their nails? Blech. I'd rather lick a SARS popsicle.

Anyway, back to Jew stuff: I remember the first time I heard the word "jewed" used as a verb. I was in college and it was said by a guy from Iowa who had a mullet and drove a lowrider and whose nickname was "The Duder." That was on his license plate too. Also, everyone would go to his dorm room every day to watch him feed a mouse to his snake.

I consider this the perfect person to deliver the word "jewed" for the first time. See, people talk a lot about who they lose their virginity to, but who you lose your slurginity to can be just as important. Like the first time you hear the n-word, it should be from a guy wearing a Celtics jersey. Preferably one named Sully who has strong opinions about which House of Pain album is the best one.


Kevin S. said...


I bet you're proud as hell of that one. I liked it.

Abbi Crutchfield said...

That's a father's way of saying, "I've got this problem. And now I'm passing it on to you."


Selena said...

Perhaps it's cliche, but as a lady who owns all three of House of Pain's albums, I gotta say their first one was the best. Not for "Jump Around" (barf), but rather "Put On Your Shitkickers"-- very underrated song.

Although, I must admit that "Same As It Ever Was" has a better selection of quality songs. Tough call.

And... I'm a living Boston stereotype.

Abbi Crutchfield said...

I'm sorry Selena, but I came to get down. I came to get down.

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