Hair loss solutions, combovers, and facial hair

So my bald spot's growing. People say, "You should just shave it all off...Embrace it!" But that seems like a weird way to solve a problem: Just make it a lot worse. No one ever says, "You're starting to smell a little funky...you should cover yourself in skunk juice. Embrace your stink!"

goateeAnd ya don't want to be one of these bald guys who grows a goatee, as if hair on another body part will give people some sort of mind freeze that makes them not notice your baldness. Did anyone ever say, "Was he bald? I couldn't tell because all I saw was that lucsious goatee!" If hair on other parts of the body is such a good distraction, then bald guys should start wearing tank tops and showing off their back hair. "Sure, I'm bald...but check out this handlebar moustache between my shoulder blades!"

kangolThen there's these other bald guys who wear hats all the time. The worst are the ones who wear those Kangol caps backwards. Sure, 'cuz you're a big Samuel L. Jackson fan. Motherfucker! Sorry, you can't be more bald than a white guy in his 30's who's wearing a Kangol cap backwards. That's when you should have a combover. Take those four hairs and wrap them around your Kangol cap. Please.

comboverI like the combover guys though because they're trying to sell the theory that it's quality, not quantity, that matters. "Sure, I've only got eight hairs left. But look at how long and flexible they are!" The combover is a great solution if you live in a world where wind doesn't exist.

Other guys turn to Propecia or Rogaine...but I don't really trust the pharmaceutical companies. These guys don't see to care about side effects though, as long as they have some hair. "That's right, I'm rocking the full head of hair again. Of course, I now have cervical cancer...but it's worth it. Chicks dig it, so who cares if I'm growing a uterus?"

I think I'll just grow a ponytail. 'Cuz the balding ponytail is one look that never goes out of style.

Or maybe I'll innovate with a a fresh, new look...no one's gonna care if I'm bald when I'm rocking the chef's hat:

chef

Yes!

Labels: ,



More posts: Newer›  ‹Older






rss  Subscribe to Matt Ruby's email list
rss  Subscribe to RSS feed for this blog
rss  Get this blog delivered by email
twitter  Twitter: Follow Matt
facebook  Facebook: "Like" Sandpaper Suit
rss  YouTube: Videos