Video: White Collar Comedy w/ Mortimer the Steel Baron
The inspiration for the character in the video: A friend was complaining about a comic who did a whole bit about his cleaning lady and how she showed up without any cleaning supplies. I guess the joke was about how he had to supply the cleaning supplies too and how that was ridiculous. We started laughing about how unrelatable that premise was and what a bad idea the whole thing was (yeah, crowds really love it when ya make fun of the hired help!?). Anyway, it got me thinking that it'd be great to do a character who takes this concept even further. And that's how Mortimer came to be.
We edited a bunch out of the video too...here are all the jokes, including ones that didn't make the cut:
Move over Larry the Cable Guy, it's time to make way for Mortimer the Steel Baron...the world's first White Collar Comedian.
My name's Mortimer the Steel Baron and I'm insanely wealthy.
I'm so wealthy, I outsource my masturbation. An Indian fellow named Sanjeev does it for me. Now that's freakonomics.
The other day I was sailing on my yacht with Ted Turner. I said, "Hey Ted, drop the anchor!" Next thing I know, he fired Wolf Blitzer.
Does anyone here have change for a thousand? Oh, just me then I guess.
I buy things you could never afford. I have a polo horse in my Ferrarri. I shit gold. I wear fur condoms. For her pleasure. Mink dick baby!
I had cosmetic surgery on my dog. His tits are huge now. Just the way I like them. "Roll over Fido...Oh wait, you can't, because your tits are so huge. Perfect!" I also gave him a Brazilian bikini wax. His pussy looks great now.
My wife wears lipstick made from the blood of Vietnamese toddlers. And she only wears fur coats made from endangered species. I only buy her extra blood diamonds. If a couple of Nigerians have to die to make my little muffin happy, it's worth it. And I just bought her some diamond studded tampons. I had to pull some strings at Tiffany's to make that happen. The negotiations were tough. A real bloodbath....it went on for days. What a bitch.
But we're not that different, you and I. I have my pants put on me one leg at a time, just like you.
Here's a good one: A black, a jew, and a democrat walk into my country club. That's it! Hilarious, eh? Imagine, one of those at Fair Oaks country club. Maybe if the entire security staff was dead! Really, even the busboys at my country club are protestants.
How did I get so wealthy? I invented steel. In fact, I invented science and then I invented steel. I invented science and then I sold it to the Jews. I'm insanely wealthy.
My moustache is made from the pubic hair of whales. You didn't even know that whales had pubic hair, did you? That's how poor and ignorant you are.
It's hard to find good help these days. My accountant told me I need to diversify my portfolio. I told him it's my money and I'm not letting minorities anywhere near it! But seriously, I believe in diversity. I have gardeners from all over Central America. And that's not easy. You try finding a Guatemalan that's good with topsoil.
It's hard to find good help these days. The other day I caught my maid stealing from me. I said, "Guadalupe, if you're going to do standup, come up with your own material at least! Otherwise yo no habla green card...comprende?" I shouldn't be surprised though. Her name is Guadalupe Mencia.
I had the most horrible nightmare last night. I dreamt I only had as much money as you people. I'm insanely wealthy.
You sir, i'm looking at your outfit. You must be homeless. No? Are you going to a costume party dressed as a hobo? Surely, you're a vagrant or a drifter or a ruffian of some sort. Just look at your shoes. Would you like some change? Can I give you some newspapers to sell out on the streetcorner? How much do you make a year, 2 figures? Don't worry about it, the world needs plumbers too.
I love this phrase "ghetto" that the kids use these days. Now I use it all the time. The new GPS system on my yacht is so ghetto, I had to launch my own satellite to get it to work properly. My sweatshop in Bangladesh is so ghetto, the managers have to share a single whip.
Do you know how wealthy I am? It's crazy.
Sometimes people want to know if they're a blueblood like me. Well, here are a few ways you can tell:
-If your nanny's first language is English, you might be a blueblood.
-If your single malt scotch is older than your mistress, you might be a blueblood.
-If the last time you voted for a democrat was because you already rigged the election, you might be a blueblood.
Vegas is for the hoi polloi. And what a terrible slogan: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Us white collar types have a more refined phrase for shenanigans that take place where we summer: "If it happened in Nantucket, then I never fucked it."
It's no wonder you're bad with money. They teach you incorrectly from a young age...Sally sells seashells down by the seashore. Memo to Sally: The seashore is a terrible place to sell seashells. Because there are free seashells everywhere there. I'm not sure where you went to business school but I'm not sure you grasp the laws of supply and demand. What's your next big idea: Selling dirt in the forest?
I'm Mortimer the Steel Baron and I'm insanely wealthy.
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email email@example.com.
Backstory for the White Collar Comedian
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