Where my vegetarians at? Holla!
Here's my beef with you guys: I don't get the logic sometimes. A veggie freak I know told me: "You shouldn't drink milk because humans are the only species that drinks the milk of another animal." Yeah, but maybe that's because we're the only species that could figure out how to do it. It's not like there's a gang of salmon working on pasteurization. Roosters don't milk cows...that could be a moral choice, or it could be that they don't have hands.
Are we really only supposed to do what other animals do? "You know what we should get rid of? Medicine. It's just so unnatural. Ya never see other species curing illnesses. Let's stay authentic, like animals. You know what else is a real stinker? Fire. Ya don't see any other species using fire...why should we be different? And to hell with concrete, we should all live in nests!"
I say we've got opposable thumbs and big brains...let's ride this train and see where it takes us.
I also don't get when these guys claim they actually prefer the taste of vegetarian food over meat. You know this is BS because when you go to a vegetarian restaurant, the menu is filled with fake meat products: tofurkey, fake'n, and sham. These are the tribute bands of the food world. "Tonight, playing all the hits of real beef...it's Not Dogs!" (Not to mention the fact that these puns are laaaame.)
You can't hate the real thing but like its impostor. That's like saying, "I can't stand Vegas but Branson, Missouri is the bomb." Or "Heineken sucks. But O'Douls rules!" If ya love 'em so much, just let vegetables be vegetables.
Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email email@example.com.
The problem with vegetarians
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