Worst intro ever?

I was brought up with a staggeringly bad intro at an out of town show recently. Got it on tape, here's the actual transcript of EXACTLY what the host said before bringing me to the stage:

The first rule of comedy is to not dig a hole, when you're the MC, is to not dig a hole for the comic who's coming up. Ya wanna bring it up. But we're all friends, we've all sort of bonded. So I wanna bring it up and everything like that.

I haven't done comedy in a while. I took like six months off. [To show producer in the back] Remember what happened? [Show producer yells out: "Yeah, your friend died."]

Yeah, my buddy, I don't know if you heard about it. Lt. Col. [his name], a good friend of mine, was killed in Afghanistan by an IED and he's the husband of my really good friend [gives her name]. Killed in Afghanistan. [Long pause.]

Coming to the stage now from New York City. [Laughs] Wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't that be awesome? I'm kidding. Stop it. [Looks at me.] He's like, "No, no, no. No!" [Makes stretching sign with hands.]

[Note: He was NOT kidding about the dead friend. He was kidding about bringing me up after saying that. But then he did it anyway!]

This guy's funny. You guys are gonna love him. Matt Ruby.

Couldn't believe it. I got up and felt like I had to say something in response. So I went, "Ah, the old dead friend intro again." Silence.

Trying to think of what could've been a worse intro. Maybe: "I've been thinking a lot lately about how I was molested. And how I love abortions. And you guys see all these spiders too, right? Kill the Jews! Here he is: Matt Ruby!!!"


Sam Morril said...

The MC's job is to help other comics. There's a guy at the Strip who likes to introduce us all as, "you may have seen this next comic on HBO and Comedy Central...But if you have you're smoking crack b/c he ain't been on either of them...(introduces comic)"

myq said...

There was a cancer benefit I got booked on to replace a friend of mine who couldn't make it.

I don't remember the exact wording of the intro I got, but it was something like, "We're happy we could get this guy to replace this other comedian who had to fly home to be with her dying mother (dying of cancer, coincidentally), please welcome Myq Kaplan."

So, similar.

My name's Josh Guarino said...

The former host of my show at Moonshine was beyond abysmal. This was how he brought up Nick Vatterott. "The next guy is Nick Vatterott. Nick, are you here? OK. Nick Vatterott." Zero energy. The next show he followed up Trevor Williams by introducing Trevor Williams again.

Needless to say he no longer hosts the show.

Jonathan said...

wow Matt, that is brutal.

My favorite intro I've gotten so far has been:

This next guy is a very good friend of mine. Please give it up for...

now at this point he takes out a piece of paper and says...

Jonathan Mur-Morray? Morvay? Jonathan Morvay!

He clearly uses the word friend very loosely.

myq said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
myq said...

Is it possible that the gentleman was making a joke for that intro?

I don't think that would make it the worst intro. (Nor would it make it the worst joke, I'd say.)

Abbi Crutchfield said...

LOL! Great option for what would be an even worse intro, Matt.

My two faves:

"The next comic is Abbi Crutchfield (applause as I step on stage) Wait I'm not done. (I step off stage) She's been seen on (credits). (Long pause). Okay." (host walks away from mic, I walk on stage to silence).

"The next comic of the evening is a very funny lady and, wait, should I do this one? I don't know. I shouldn't. (pacing) Okay I'll do it. (Ten consecutive one liners) all right you didn't like that one. Warm round of applause for, okay I'll do one more..."

d said...

A truth-teller comic (I'm using the term "comic" very loosely) was hosting this show I did once and as if it was a bit, he started talking about how it is bullshit that the MC has to say that this guy is really funny, but "maybe the guy isn't funny at all. Anyway, please welcome to the stage..."

So the first thing I did when I got up there is trash him, the crowd loved it, and I did fairly well. So fuck him!

Unknown said...

I once did a benefit for a no-kill animal shelter in Austin. The president of the organization talked for 15 minutes about the tragic euthanization of so many cute puppies every year. Then the crying started. Through the tears, "and now this comedian."

Jonathan said...

No, he was 100% serious. He said "very good friend of mine" to a few others, but never butchered their names or had to look at a piece of paper.

Not the worst intro in terms of leaving the audience in silence, no. But I do feel I lose some credibility when my name gets read off a piece of paper.

Then again, I'm sure he knew who was currently hosting the Tonight Show, and as we both know, I still think it's Johnny Carson.

Josh Homer said...

this happened in the same night/show.

MC has been bringing up all the female comics with lines like "I just f&*ked her in the back" or "I f*&ked her at the last show." So he goes up to the last female comic of the night and says "how do you want me to introduce you?" She replied, "I really don't care how you bring me up, as long as you don't say you slept with me." he says ok.

His intro for her, "This next comic, I haven't f*(ked her yet, but wait till after the show"

now it's my turn. The show is in upstate NY, and there are 2 black people in the room of 200. Me and another comic.

My intro, "So, what would they call the Flinstones if they were black? Ni99ers!!!!! (boos from the crowd) Welcome Josh Homer to the stage"

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