The primal causes of laughter

The urge to laugh is the lubricant that makes humans higher social beings. [via JL]

Surprise is a mental "slap in the face" that leads people to laugh.

Most assessments of humor's underlying structure gravitate to the notion of controlled incongruity: You're expecting x, and you get y. For the joke to work, it has to be readable on both levels.

People only laugh when there are others around. It's a form of communication. That's why it's so tough to kill in a room with only a few people.

"You're 30 times more likely to laugh when you're with other people than you are when you're alone...In fact, when you're alone, you're more likely to talk out loud to yourself than you are to laugh out loud. Much more...We've vastly overrated our conscious control of laughter."

You can't tickle yourself. You need an "unpredictable touch." Punch lines need to deliver that same sort of unpredictability.

Like the incongruity theory of humor, tickling relies on a certain element of surprise, which is why it's impossible to tickle yourself. Predictable touch doesn't elicit the laughter and squirming of tickling — it's unpredictable touch that does the trick...The laughter of tickle evolved as a way of cementing the bond between parents and children, laying the foundation for a behavior that then carried over into the social lives of adults. While we once laughed at the surprise touch of a parent or sibling, we now laugh at the surprise twist of a punch line.

Institutionalized rape at Kinko's?

Venue: Comedy Village
Date: 5/21/07
Length: 9 minutes
Crowd: 25 people



Brought back some of the religion talk I was doing a few months back (at the end of this video). Trying to stretch it into a longer bit. A lot of my jokes are in/out affairs. If I can string more together on the same topic I think it'd help my flow.

"Stage time in this city is too valuable to waste"

2-3 hour marathon shows sap the life out of the crowd. If you're one of the last comics to go up, it can be pretty depressing. A dozen people in the room who are tired and don't feel like laughing. It's tempting to just phone it in, get conversational, give up on doing any written stuff, etc. I've done it before.

But then you watch an established comic work a room like that and you see something different. Last night, Rick Shapiro and Gary Gulman went up late on one of those shows at Comedy Village. And they still got laughs. Rick's always a tornado on stage, regardless of the size of the crowd. I've seen Louis CK kick ass in a similar, dozen-people-in-the-room situation too.

They do it right because they don't know how else to do it. It's built in. The energy, the commitment to the bit, the pro-ness. There may be some modulation, but there's never any quit.

There's a frame thing going on in those situations too. If you have a strong enough mental frame, you can seduce others into it. People will follow a strong attitude. If you know you're funny and ooze that confidence, other people will buy it too. It's your job to put the wind in the sails.

There's no point in sitting around and waiting for hours to get up on stage just so you can phone it in. Better to view it as a test. Can I turn this completely dead room around? Can I follow a total hack that has people squirming and bring 'em back? The plus side of it all: If something works in a dead room with just a few people, then you know you've got something.

"Stage time in this city is too valuable to waste." -Gary Gulman

I pity Jeff Probst's poor penis

Survivor host Jeff Probst suffers from an abnormally full bladder because he often holds his piss when he's in the jungle. It gets worse:

Probst admitted that he sometimes did this because he did not want to be a cause of delay for the show's taping. This is another addition to his long list of misadventures during tapings of previous seasons. It can be remembered that he got electrocuted because he urinated in an electric fence. He also got stung by a jellyfish near his genitals and also had a close encounter with a reticulated python.

Note to Jeff Probst: In addition to electric fences, jellyfish, and reticulated pythons, some other good things to keep your penis away from: the Jaws of Life, crocodiles, barbed wire, guillotines, electric eels, oscillating fans, and Ted Haggard.

Sarah Silverman set at Rififi

Sarah Silverman stopped by Greg Johnson's show at Rififi last night. Only caught the last few minutes of her act but she was really funny. She'll be hosting the MTV Movie Awards soon so I'm guessing she wanted to try out some new material. (One movie joke: "They call it '300' because that's how gay it is on a scale of one to ten.")

She claimed to be terrible at crowdwork and then tried some anyway. Asked a girl what her name was and what she did (A: actress) and then responded, "I'm just gonna let Todd Barry [the next comic] take care of you." She talked about gift bags and then said that's what she calls her boyfriend's balls. She also did a bizarre cheese fucking routine. She really likes some cheese and said she just wants to fuck it and then started acting like a dude raping some cheese. Weird. But she's got that wavelength thing where anything she says is funny so it all worked.

The brilliant thing about her is how she uses her appearance and her voice to get away with saying really fucked up shit. Sweet little Jewish girl + filthy jokes + smart = ripe for laughs.

Cheese Nips

Spoiler alert: The rest of this post will be fucking hilarious. Deal with it.

Are Japanese people offended by Cheese Nips? Not only is the nip part offensive, but 90% of Asian Americans are lactose intolerant so the cheese part adds some extra salt to the wound.

Lightbulb! Maybe there's a market for other racist snack foods. "Ooh, a bag of Onion Spics!" "Halloween = time to stock up on Candy Coon."

I have a pool shaped kidney. (It's an above-ground kidney.) The doctors are worried because it's full of chlorine...and vicodin.

Sometimes when people move they ask you to help and offer you pizza in exchange. This is not an equitable trade. If I am going to carry a couch up four flights of stairs, I need more compensation than cheese and tomatoes.

"Paint my house and I'll give you a cracker."
"I don't think so!"
"Scrub the floors for a lollipop?"

People who are lactose intolerant piss me off because I hate intolerance in any form. These people are prejudiced against dairy products and I won't stand for it. First they came for the cheese, then they came for the Jews.

Hating intolerance is not a very tolerant thing to do.

Bar chefs = proof the terrorists did not win

Sometimes I feel like New York City needs one gigantic bitchslap. From Fine Drinking in Tribeca:

Downstairs at the mellow and sophisticated B Flat, your bar chef meticulously measures each ingredient, uses three different sizes of ice cubes (the largest of which is filtered, frozen, chopped and chiseled in-house) and only takes your order if you're sitting down (because greatness shouldn't be rushed).

These ice cubes are frozen and chiseled IN-HOUSE!? How fucking incredible. I usually outsource my ice chiseling to a place in Bangalore.

And there's three different sizes of ice cubes?! Precious. I hope they also have urinals that automatically adjust to my exact height. And napkins that come in different shades so I know one will match my seafoam tie. And I hope they stir the drinks with the tusk of a freshly murdered elephant.

Pricks.

5 reasons new comics should stop listening to albums and tv specials by famous comics

Beginning comics pay too much attention to albums and tv specials by famous comics. There's only so much you can learn from an HBO special or a live album because it's got so little to do with the reality of working a room as an unknown comic. Here's what's off about standup specials:

1. There's no crowdwork. In a lot of ways, it's more theater than standup routine. They're playing to the cameras (or mics), not the people. It's not about calling the room, thinking quickly, or being in the moment. It's about delivering your set.



2. The sets are long. A killer 30+ minute set is totally different than a 5 minute one. When you've got an hour, there's a lot more space to relax, tell stories, etc. New jack comics need to be able to bring it in a hurry.



3. The people in the audience are already fans. Making a room of people who already like you laugh is a hell of a lot different (and easier) than making strangers laugh. You don't have to establish a persona and win them over 'cuz they're already there.



4. The audience has been primed. They're juiced by the setting, the opening acts, the lights, the producer telling them to whoop it up, and all that crap. Heck, the Tonight Show audience even laughs at Jay Leno's monologue so there's obviously some sort of reality distortion field going on.



5. There's no bombing. The comic is doing a set that he knows works for an audience that he knows will laugh. There's no randomness at play. That's a totally different equation than new comic + new material where you need to poke around and take a chance on failing.

No doubt, soaking in albums/specials by Chappelle, Rock, Martin, etc. is valuable for any comic. But if you stop there, you're studying a fantasy.

To see what I mean, compare one of Mitch Hedberg's bootlegged concerts to one of his albums. In the bootlegs, there's a lot more dialogue with the audience. There's more wandering. There's more spontaneity. Or watch Zach Galifianakis' "Live at the Purple Onion," a live concert that shows less fantasy and more reality. The way he works the audience is what you don't get on HBO.

Watching a great comic work live is a whole different education than watching him in tv-land. You see how they weave, try new material, handle a chatty audience member, etc.

Flies and Flying Carpet

Venue: Mo Pitkin's
Date: 5/10/07
Length: 7 minutes
Crowd: 35 people

"Flying Carpet" went well despite some on-the-fly shuffling of the lineup. The final bill included: dark host Greg Barris, bearded Texan Aaron Baker, insightful Greg Johnson, Naked Trampoline Hamlet director Andres Dubouchet, deep-voiced Dan Soder, yours truly, and phonebook-reading Kristen Schaal.

Why all the shuffling? Comics started dropping off the bill like flies. (Hmm: Do flies actually drop a lot? Can't they, you know, fly? Anyway...) There was a hot shot meeting in LA, a case of pneumonia. a host stuck in an airport in Texas, and a work-related MIA. Now I see why people who put together shows always seem so stressed out.

Anyway, all's well that end's well. People dug it. Not a big laugh kinda group but they paid attention and played along with diverse lineup. Mo Pitkin's was happy and looks like we'll do it again sometime. Details on that soon.

Here's my set:



Aaron commented to me that my set took a turn for the better once I dropped the one liners and went to more conversational tone/jokes. Dan, on the other hand, has told me before that he thinks the one liners are my "wheelhouse" and mentioned to Aaron he's seen me kill with them. Always interesting to get conflicting advice like that. I think it all depends on the audience. Some crowds love the one-liners while other times they can def fall flat. I like to start off with a bunch of 'em just to set the tone, get a rhythm of punches going, and get a read on a crowd.

Frank Zappa on Crossfire

This is so fucking surreal. My fave part: The bandage on Robert Novak's hand.

"Flying Carpet" on Thursday

This Thursday is the debut of "Flying Carpet" (a show I'm doing with some friends). Come on out.

Flying Carpet
An extravaganza of comedy and more
Thu 10 May
9:30pm
$3

Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
Downstairs room
34 Avenue A (between E 2nd and 3rd Streets)
http://www.mopitkins.com/

Featuring:
Kristen Schaal (http://www.myspace.com/kristenschaal)
Andres Dubouchet (http://andresdubouchet.com)
Matt Ruby (http://www.sandpapersuit.com)
Landon Kirksey (http://www.lovelandon.com)
Dan Soder (http://www.myspace.com/scareddan)
Joe Alexander (http://www.myspace.com/kingjaffi)
& more

Don Rickles closes show with "one to grow on"

After 35 minutes of insulting every possible ethnic group and dozens of audience members, this is how Don Rickles closed out his show:

don_rickles_one_team.mp3

(From Don Rickles - Hello Dummy!)

The formula

Isn't this group of people different than that group of people? 'Cuz this group of people likes those things while that group of people likes these things. But can you imagine what it would be like if that group of people liked those things instead of these things? It would be totally incongruous!

Heckler videos

Comic Jim Jeffries gets punched in the face by an audience member. When he returns to the stage, he says, "What many of you don't know is that I employ that bloke for when gigs are going badly."



Joe Rogan goes ballistic on a mouthy audience member. "I'm not your boyfriend, I don't need to listen to your stupid shit."



Jamie Kennedy mocks someone who tells him to use the word "server" instead of "waitress."

Jerry Orbach eyes

Venue: Stand Up NY
Date: 4/23/07
Length: 6 minutes
Crowd: 11 people



Here's a look at the, ahem, glamorous world of standup. This is what it's like to do a set in front of the remaining 11 people who have sat through 3 hours of comedy on a Monday night. By then, they looked like extras from a scene in "Children of Men."

The first 30 seconds

More advice from the grizzled vet comics who hang out at the bar at Stand Up NY. They're kinda like those old muppets who sat in the balcony. Anyway...

* Don't sit down for five years. When you sit down you send a message to the audience. You lower the energy. You have to bring something from a much deeper place.

* You have to set a tone of funny in the first 30 seconds. Then you can get darker (or whatever). But those first 30 seconds determine how the audience sees you.

* Persona goes a long way. When people buy your persona, they open up to you. (Persona explained at Wikipedia: "A 'second self' created by the author and through whom the narrative is related...[it] literally means mask.")

* The toughest thing for a beginning comic to learn is how to read the room.

* Write, write, write.

* Don't blame the crowd. It's always your fault. If they don't laugh, it's because you did something wrong.

* Don't listen when other comics say a room is dead. It was dead for them, that's all. A great comic can walk into the sleepiest room and still get 'em going.

Catch me Thursday night in Grandma's box

I'm performing Thursday night. Downtown show too. Come on out. Details below from "Grandma"...

--

GRANDMA'S CANDY BOX
Thursday, April 26th - 9:30 PM - $2!

My precious grandchildren,

Victor Varnado & Village Voice. What do these two entities have in common?
If you have answered that Victor Varnado, host of Grandma's Candy Box & one of Grandma's favorite grandsons is on the cover of this week's "Village Voice" then you are correct!

If you have answered "Alliteration," "East Village Legends" or "Bums use them as Blankets," you are also correct! If you got none of these right then you are incorrect. Grandma now loves your cousins more than you and I am removing you from my Will.

On the show this week!:
Lee Camp: From Spike TV, E!, Sirius Radio, and his own comedy webcast SharkBaby. What happens when shark babies grow up? If you have to ask, you'll never know.
Myka Fox: Recently Co-hosted The Comical Radio and is champion of all things regrettable and worth mention.
The Straight Men: Every time I try to find their credits I get gay porn sites. Come see them live!
Matt Ruby : Recently performed on same bill as Chris Rock, read about it on his blog "Sandpaper Suit".
Jason Kanter: Currently touring all over the country. Jason is bald and he loves it when people rub his head and make a wish! Its his absolute favorite thing! More favorite than milkshakes at the drive-in! Try it, he will be grateful to you!
Hannibal Burress: Visiting from Chicago, this comic was recently featured at the Montreal Comedy Festival.
Roger Hailes: You'll recognize him from his sketches on the "Chapelle Show"
Eliza Faria Santos: Is sleep deprived. She that hopes you find this newsletter amusing but mostly, she hopes that it makes sense.

Hosted by Victor Varnado: My brilliant, belligerent, black albino grandson. He's been on HBO, Conan O'Brien, Starz Network, Comedy Central, and many feature films. Go pick up this week's "Village Voice"! He is naked on the cover!!!

Love & kisses,
Grandma

Grandmas Candy Box
Thursday 9:30pm - $2!
@ Bar None (3rd Ave btw 12th and 13th sts)

Subway standup

The other week I did standup on the subway. Three other comics and I were headed downtown after a show. Omar was drunk, started mouthing off, and soon we were "entertaining" the D train. Alright, most people didn't really give a shit but at least a couple had fun with it.

We each had "one-stop sets." It was all rather ridiculous (and of course no one really laughed) but it actually was a strangely valuable learning experience. In that kind of situation, you better bring some energy and your jokes better not be wordy. Get to the point quick or don't bother. And it certainly makes a normal audience less intimidating. What are they gonna do? Be more apathetic than the crowd on a midnight subway car? Highly doubtful.

Related: Insight on connecting with an audience from a subway musician:

When you play on the street you can't approach it as if you are playing on a stage. Busking is an art form of its own...You have to relate to the audience and be a real people's person. You can't hide behind your instrument and just play, with an invisible wall between you and the audience, the way a stage performance is conducted. In busking you use the passers by as if they were paint and your music is the paint brush - your goal is to create a collective work of art with the people, in the space, in the moment with you and the music.

A busker is someone who can turn any place into a stage...As a busker one needs to interact with those around, break walls of personal space, and lure people into a collective and spontaneous group experience on the street, in the moment, with you. A bad busking act is when the performer doesn't make an effort to connect with the audience. Like musicians who play for themselves, not acknowledging the audience, just burying their heads in their instruments.

Intimacy whistle

Venue: Stand Up NY
Date: 4/02/07
Length: 6 minutes
Crowd: 40 people



One of my best recent sets. Great crowd, totally into it from the beginning. Laughed heartily at "Keep it going for the phrase keep it going." I knew it was on.

Listening back, what's interesting to me here is the extra tags I threw on to jokes. "I'm generous like that...I need a more informative cum swallowing site...Don't test me...'Cuz they're both just so fucking authentic...etc." That's the kind of shit that just pops into your head when you're in flow. Right brain to the rescue.

And that's why writing will only take you so far. Being up there, in that moment, is when some of the best lines come. Or at least ones that are present and immediate and feel like part of a conversation. People respond to that.

That's why taping sets is so helpful too. These lines would be lost otherwise. Having them recorded gives them a chance to live again and maybe get added to those jokes full-time.

Gun show

This article on the Virginia Tech shooting talks about the gun laws in Virginia.

Once a person had passed the required background check, state law requires that law enforcement officers issue a concealed carry permit to anyone who applies. However, no regulations and no background checks are required for purchase of weapons at a Virginia gun show.

Wait a minute. The one place in the state where there are no gun regulations or background checks is at a GUN SHOW? Because something should be illegal...unless you get it at a show dedicated to that thing!? "Normally, crack is illegal...but not if you buy it at The Crack Show!"

Jabs and uppercuts

I had a weird set last night. Room was dead. Other comics made "thrown to the lions" references. It was late in the evening when Rob Cantrell got up and did an awesome set. He can be funny but last night he wasn't. Just deep and truthful and mushroomy. Bill Hicks meets Terence Mckenna style. And just when you feared he'd go off the deep end, he talked about how it must be awesome to be a bird because if you don't like where you're at, you can just fly somewhere else, and then does an impression of a bird. Totally ridiculous and awesome.

He inspired me to break from my set. It turned out rather lame. Well, lame in that it wasn't funny. I just talked. Wanted to see where it would lead me. It was a good exercise but not funny enough. I started out alright but then I got a bit too philosophical about Americans being scared and people telling you not to do stuff because they're just jealous that they can't do it, etc. When I tried to weave in some jokes again, it was too late. They saw me as a serious guy and that's not the path to laughter. The vibe I was bringing was interesting, but it wasn't funny.

Now I wonder what would've happened if I had gone out and just did my intended set. Would've gotten more laughs but is that always better? At that point, in that room, with that crowd, it just seemed like it would be phony to stick to material. Still, I feel bad about delivering a lackluster set. These people paid money to be there after all.

I think there are two solutions: 1) Get better at weaving punch lines into the ranting. Mix the jabs in with the uppercuts. 2) Fuck 'em and bring your A game and make it work. If your frame is stronger — and the material is there — they'll come around.

Where it's at

So I perform every Monday at Stand Up NY. Two out of the past three weeks, Chris Rock has shown up and done a 40+ minute set of new material. No promises he'll be there again but it's always a fun, weird show with some good comics on the bill anyway. Plus, you can get in for free (normally $15 cover) if you say "comp cover for Matt Ruby." Still a two-drink minimum though. But you're a fucking lush anyway so what do you care?

MONDAYS @ STAND-UP NY
Monday, April 16 (and every Monday)
236 W 78th St (btwn B'way and Amsterdam)
9pm show

Rock's set last week was great but my favorite moment of the night was before he even showed up. Another comedian got a woman in the audience to admit she's had a finger up her ass. So what? Well, she was sitting in between her teenage daughter *and* her mother-in-law at the time. Scandalous! And that poor girl...it's like they say: A moment on the lips, a lifetime in the therapist's chair.

What's that? You don't want to go all the way uptown to see me perform? Alright, quit your whining. I've got a couple of East Village shows coming up too.

On Thursday, April 26 I'll be doing a set at Grandma's Candy Box, a weekly show at Bar None. It's free and they have cheap drinks. Last time I performed there, the room was full of drunken cops and one of the comics nearly got arrested. Good times! Details:

GRANDMA'S CANDY BOX @ BAR NONE
Thursday, April 26
98 3rd Ave (btwn 12th & 13th St)
9:30pm

And here's some "save the date" shit: On Thursday, May 10, some friends and I are putting on "Flying Carpet," a comedy extravaganza at Mo Pitkin's. On the bill: Kristen Schaal, Andres Dubouchet, Joe Alexander, Brian Koppelman, Dan Soder, Landon Kirksey, and more. All for only $3. It'll be a grand time.

FLYING CARPET @ MO PITKIN'S
34 Ave A (btwn 2nd and 3rd St)
Thursday, May 10
9PM

The end.

I wish my wife was this dirty

[photo by JF]

Chris Rock and I "share" a bill again

Last night, Chris Rock showed up again at Stand Up NY and did a long set of new material (he did one a few weeks back too).

Here's how that works: He walks in. Everyone starts whispering. Comic onstage finishes his set and Chris goes up (other comics get bumped or have to wait and are fine with that because they get to watch a master work shit out). The audience members whisper and seem slightly aghast. All the other comics and waitstaff fill the room at the sides and the back. There's about 50 people in the room.

He puts a yellow legal pad on a stool and starts flipping pages looking for jokes. He doesn't address the crowd or do crowdwork. All he cares about is shaping the jokes on the pad. Most jokes seem already written out. But then you can see where he starts trying to extend. He gets this little glint in his eye and dances around different act-outs.

When he finishes his bits, he leans back against the wall and returns to the pad. He flips through, finds one of his topics, and says out loud, "Hmm...weddings...kinda hack. It's tough to unhack that." The comics in the room love the reference. But he doesn't really play to the industry people at the sides. He's more focused on the middle of the room, the random audience members and their reactions.

He covers a lot of the same topics as last time (like how cruel kids are, how he hates rich kids but now he has his own, how women can never go back financially and men can never go back sexually, etc.). But doesn't do them the same. There are new twists and turns.

Overall, it's not as funny as one of his HBO sets. He's not as committed. The peaks don't go as high and the rhythm isn't there in the same way. In "Bring the Pain" and those other specials, he grabs it by the throat and doesn't let go. These workout sets hit those highs occasionally but include a lot of lulls too. It's a lot more catch and release. Some of the older audience members sit with arms folded and seem unimpressed.

Still there are some great fucking moments. He says love doesn't exist (it's just a combination of like plus need). He talks about how every woman thinks her pussy can change a man. He talks a lot about women and relationships actually (most brilliant bit of the night revolved around "In every relationship, there's a Hall and there's an Oates."). He talks about how he's just good enough in bed. About why you should drop out of school in 2nd grade instead of 10th grade (you'll be qualified for the job you'll get either way). And lot's more. Tough to get it across here but he's got some amazing, ballsy material cooking.

I'm not sure there's any better comedy class than watching someone that good work on material at that stage. More than anything, you see how much hard work it is. He's grinding out this material. He mentioned how men in his family have been lifting shit for 400 years. He's lifting too.

So what's it like to follow a legend? I went up a few comics later and the crowd seemed exhausted by then. You just gotta roll with it, acknowledge what we all just experienced, and use that as inspiration. Crowd was actually pretty loose considering the length of the show (and prob drunk too) so we still had fun.

Related: How Chris Rock works out new material in a small club

Online comments bring out the crazies

Online comments bring out the crazies. A few examples...

At the message board of Bill Maher's site, there's an amusing debate over whether the Jews "control the entertainment industry and the media." Someone named Gorillamom posted this bizarre comment there with random name dropping, gratuituous typos, non sequiturs, etc.

My friend and master screen writer Stewart Stern, is from the Hollywood Jewish community. His family co-founded Paramount Pictures. He wrote the screen play's "Rebel Without a Cause, Cybli (with Sally Field) The Ugly American, The Outsideres, and few others. I loved having lunch with him every Sunday in the gorilla unit. He's a good cook. He prepared the gorillas diets at the zoo every Sunday.

I really wasn't expecting the transition from "he wrote the screenplay for Rebel Without a Cause" to "I loved having lunch with him every Sunday in the gorilla unit." I guess when your name is Gorillamom, it always comes back to the gorillas.

Fox is Evil sells dumb tshirts that make fun of Fox News. People get really offended. Some actual emails received by the site's owner:

From : Jeffrey S
xxxxxx@gmail.com
"I somehow stumbled on your stupid web site. It's dumb and I'm going to tell my friends how dumb it is."

Jeffrey sounds like a good friend! I wish I had a friend like him around to point out dumb things that I'm unaware even exist. My lame friends only tell me about things that are smart or interesting. Sucks.

From: Daniel K
xxxxxx@comcast.net
"Fox News doesn't lie. They are the only ones that stand for family values and supporting war"

Thank goodness there's still someone around that stands for both family values AND war. The two go together like chocolate and peanut butter. It's about time we get this country's priorities back in order.

From: Matt S
xxxxxx@hotmail.com
"your evil. You are gay and you probably would like everyone to be gay to get your ass pounded fag."

Touché, Matt S, touché.

Spokesjew

Joe's black. I'm jewish. We had this conversation the other night.

Joe: I've tried matzah and I don't like it. Couldn't you guys figure out how to make bread?
Me: Matzah sucks 'cuz we made it while being chased through the desert for 40 years by a bunch of Egyptians. I'd think you'd be able to empathize. I bet the bread wasn't so great on your slave ships either.
Joe: [Laughs]
Me: When the man comes for you, sometimes you forget to grab the yeast. If the Klan surrounded your house, you might take off before packing up the Crisco.

Which reminds me, I've been thinking about Mel Gibson's "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Yeah, 'cuz, you know, as a people, wars have worked out pretty well for us Jews. After World War II, we looked around at each other and said, "Oh yeah, gimme some more of that!"

Also amusing to me: the stereotype that Jews love money. You know, unlike all other ethnic groups. Other ethnic groups just hate money. They give away cash left and right.

Actually, the reason Jews got good with money is because Christians refused to do banking or financial jobs in the Middle Ages. The church said it was filthy so Jews had to take over all the money-related careers. Meanwhile, Christians decided to stick with cobbling and smithing or whatever the hell else people did back then. Not the best move in retrospect. (Hey, Jews have fucked up plenty too...outlawing bacon for starters.)

How can you hate a group of people for doing a job that you forced them to do because you considered it beneath you? It'd be like hating Mexicans for being busboys. But I've never heard someone say, "Damn Mexicans, they love dirty dishes!"

Anyway, Jews don't love money. We love bargains. We've been conditioned to by Jewish holidays, which always seem to be based on a crazy good bargain. For Passover, the little bit of matzah each Israelite took out of Egypt miraculously lasted 31 days. For Hannukah, a one day supply of oil lasted eight days. It's no wonder we get excited when there's a 30% off sale at Saks.

Jokes vs. funny

While waiting to go onstage, vet comic Todd Lynn likes to offer words of wisdom to new jack comics. From last night:

There's a difference between writing good jokes and being funny. When you're funny, people laugh no matter what you say. Funny is about timing, delivery, attitude, and confidence. Writing good jokes is about being smart. The trick is bringing the two together.

Don't slouch onstage. Look like you care about your jokes. The audience will reflect your energy.

Steve Martin has a way with words

From Steve Martin - Comedy Is Not Pretty!

The long buildup stretches out the tension. This joke could be told in 10 seconds but it's the stretch that gives it tension and gives away the persona of the narrator. Interesting: The punchline is actually silence. The pause is when you realize the true message being conveyed is the complete opposite of the words being said. That incongruity is the laugh spark. Then you've got the smarmy tag "Oh, not have way I guess." Brilliant act-out that gives a final punch to it and shows the level of bullshit being dispensed.

West Virgina

West Virginia won the NIT but the team's championship T-shirts said "West Virgina." [Insert joke about meager intelligence of West Virginians here.] At least the tees didn't say West...bah, forget it.

Thoughts on sex and dating

Revealing laughs

Which jokes you laugh at can sometimes reveal a bit too much. A couple of weeks ago I saw Jim Norton do a joke about how awkward it is to go with your girlfriend to get your AIDS test results because then you can't really celebrate that much. Some guy in the back starts stomping his feet and going "Aw, yeah. For real!" Later on, Jim started joking about how once a guy starts having sex, he can't stop. The guy in the back shouted out his approval again: "That's the truth!" Best of all, this guy in the back was on a date! She must've been so thrilled to be out on a date with a STD-having rapist who can't keep his mouth shut at comedy shows.

How Chris Rock works out new material in a small club

I got bumped from my set at Stand Up NY last night...but for a damn good reason: Chris Rock showed up to do a 45-minute set. He's getting material ready for a tour in the fall (and I heard him mention on TV recently that he's doing a New Year's Eve show at Madison Square Garden too). There were only about 30 or so people there so it was a loose vibe. He did all new material and glanced at his notes on a yellow legal pad pretty frequently.

He came out and mocked some guy who was trying to film the set and then pretended to stop by putting the camera on the table. Chris said, "I've made fucking movies! You don't think I know when I'm being filmed!?"

Some of the bullet points for the night:
* He hates rich kids so now he kinda hates his own kids
* Kids are cruel ("You don't need to be taught to hate, you need to be taught to love.")
* Walmart is the AIDS of retailers
* Hip hop is weak nowadays
* Hot chicks are always in debt because they think someday a man will come and "clean up the mess"
* Women "can never go back" financially, men can never go back sexually

Of course, it was all about the delivery. He didn't get that preacher vibe going very often but it came out in spots. There were 5-10 lines during the night that were just ridiculously good. Like lightning bolts. My sense is that he starts with these bolts and then writes around them.

Like "Walmart is the AIDS of retailers." He talked about how Walmart kills off all other stores and how Walmarts are so big they're like a town (security guard tells him: "You were by frozen foods? You really shouldn't be near there after 11pm.") Then he'd glance over at his legal pad and say, "No unions." Then just start ranting about no unions or health care for the employees there.

It was tough to tell how much was prepared and how much was just ranting on the spot. He even commented on some of the bits halfway through. "This needs to be fleshed out more if it's gonna make it. It's just you don't want to hack it up with the whole 'Walmart's a town' thing...etc."

He did hardly any crowdwork. Why bother? It's not like he's gonna be able to use that on HBO. He wasn't there to play, he was there to get material together.

Crowd was pretty much in awe. Random tourists from Amsterdam and North Carolina got way more than they bargained for. And then there was the bunch of comics in the back just soaking it up. A few more showed up as word got out via text messages.

Chris didn't stick around afterwards. He got off stage and then headed out (and I heard later he went and did another set at The Cellar).

Update: Chris Rock and I "share" a bill again

Obvious beauty

Venue: Bowery Poetry Club
Date: 3/12/07
Length: 6 minutes
Crowd: 60 people



Sometimes girls get catty and say "I guess she's pretty...if you like that kind of obvious beauty." Well, call me crazy but when it comes to beauty I kinda like the obvious kind. You know what subtle beauty is? Ugly. I don't want beauty that makes me think.

"Funny" isn't what makes people laugh

People think jokes are funny or they're not. The truth is it's all relative.

Every comedian knows that a joke that kills in one room can die in another. It's rare to laugh out loud at a comedy record when you're listening at home even though the people in the room are guffawing. And the opposite is true too: A comic who's only so-so on TV or on a CD can be a riot live.

It all depends on the setting. Are there other people around? Does the room have energy? Are people warmed up? Is it a lively group? Etc. One interesting thing I've noted is listening/watching a comic at home with even just one or two other people leads to a lot more laughter than if you're alone.

What's So Funny? Well, Maybe Nothing (NY Times) is a scientific look at why people laugh. Turns out "funny" has less to do with laughter than a lot of people think. And the results are definitely interesting from a standup perspective.

According to the article, people use laughter as a punctuation mark. It's an exclamation point, a gasp, an a-ha, a recognition, a conversational lubricant like nodding or saying, "uh huh."

He found that most speakers, particularly women, did more laughing than their listeners, using the laughs as punctuation for their sentences. It's a largely involuntary process. People can consciously suppress laughs, but few can make themselves laugh convincingly.

I think that last part is interesting too: You can't fake laughter convincingly. That's part of the whole rawness of comedy. An audience can pretend to like a band or a painting, but it's pretty obvious when people are fake laughing. You're either on the bus or off the bus.

Also, we laugh as a way to connect.

The brain has ancient wiring to produce laughter so that young animals learn to play with one another. The laughter stimulates euphoria circuits in the brain and also reassures the other animals that they're playing, not fighting.

Playing, not fighting. That's why comics can get away with saying some of the meanest and/or most truthful things, because they do it in a playful way. They can deliver straight, painful medicine because the pill is coated with sugar. It's amazing what you can get away with saying as long as people are laughing.

There are also a lot of control/hierarchy issues in play.

[Laughter is] a subtle social lubricant. It's a way to make friends and also make clear who belongs where in the status hierarchy...[From an experiment:] When the woman watching was the boss, she didn't laugh much at the muffin joke. But when she was the underling or a co-worker, she laughed much more, even though the joke-teller wasn't in the room to see her. When you're low in the status hierarchy, you need all the allies you can find, so apparently you're primed to chuckle at anything even if it doesn't do you any immediate good.

So people laugh at others who they perceive to have higher status. That's why control is such a big part of standup. If you lose control of the room, forget about it. If they don't respect you, they'll never laugh.

But what about Rodney Dangerfield, king of "no respect"? That's bullshit schtick. Listen to an album of his and you can see he's got the whole room in the palm of his hand. Total master at controlling the room. No respect, my ass.

Actually, that's a common comic ploy, insult yourself as a way to ingratiate yourself with the audience. Then once they've "let you in," ya take 'em over.

Everything is a muscle

Open and close strong, wander in the middle. Work in 20% new material. The less you're gonna get laughs, the more real you should be. No sense being performy in a dead room. "I can't believe he just said that." might be worth more than laughter. Befriend other comics at your own level. Those above you won't give you the time of day. Those below you suck. Get a show so you can trade stage time with other comics. Stage time is currency. Work work work. Will other comics watching you say that a joke is hack? Then cut it. Everything is a muscle: The more you use it, the stronger it gets. Talk about what scares you, what you hate, what's dumb, what you're ashamed of. Get comfortable. Control the room. Never apologize. Cut it in half, then take another 10% out. Sometimes it's them, not you. Use jokes that you know kill as your barometer. The meaner you are, the more playful you should seem. Tickle, don't poke.

Shopping at Macy's

Don't hate the prayer...

Caroline's set: Friends with benefits, Shakira, etc.

Venue: Caroline's
Date: 3/3/07
Length: 6 minutes
Crowd: 80 people



I was asked to perform at Caroline's for a comedy school graduation show. Crowd was d-e-a-d (situation not helped by the fact that it was 2pm, crowd seemed mostly suburban types, and I was the first comic to go on). Went with more of my one-liner bits but only got mild laughs. A lot of jokes that normally kill got barely any response. I blame it on the crowd. Bastards!

(Actually, I just saw Chris Rock on Bravo and he was talking about how a good comic *never* blames the crowd. Fair 'nuff.)

If it was a normal show, I prob would've broken it down after a minute or two and turned more conversational. But given the situation, I figured it was best to just plow on through.

Recent sets by Rick Shapiro, Zach Galifianakis, and Louis CK

Rick Shapiro: Crazy rant performance art style. Dirty as shit. Half the crowd walked out during his set. He wasn't suprised. The man has seen some dark things methinks. The good part: rambling shamanic style to his delivery. Not holding back on anything. Bukowskiesque.

Zach Galifianakis: Hour set in front of big crowd at Irving Plaza. Just absolutely killed it. He's so on top of his shit right now. Felt like the comedy equivalent of seeing Radiohead right after OK Computer came out. Mixes the one-liner piano jokes with more conventional style and incorporates some crowdwork walking through the aisles and then closes with a big musical number.

The one liner quick hit style is all about rhythm. It's like a boxer who relies on his jab. You just keep peppering and peppering and wearing down the audience. And the whole thing builds a rhythm. The audience starts to get the "beat" and knows when the punch lines are going to come. And once you've got 'em, you've got 'em. It builds like a wave. At that point, even when a joke's only mediocre, it still gets laughs. This paragraph has way too many analogies. I'm gonna stop now.

Louis CK: Showed up again at Stand Up NY to work on material. Did exactly the same set as the previous week, just fine tuning it. Experimenting with just changing a word here or a phrase there and getting the timing just right. There was 15 people there, dead room, and he still got 'em. Guy just seems like such a pro when he's up there. My fave bit from the set is where compares girls and women (e.g. "there's no 'women gone wild' 'cuz when women go wild, they kill their husband and drown their kids in a tub.")

Headed out soon after that with Dan and Joe (other comics at the club) and wound up waiting on the subway platform with Louis. We said hey and nice set and then left him alone. On the train there was some crazy guy singing out loud along with his iPod. We were joking and shooting the shit and then Louis came over to chat. We asked him about his new material and he said he's working on putting together another hour's worth of material. He was headed to the Cellar, presumably to do the same set again. He doesn't know where/when it'll wind up. We talked a bit about his last HBO special and then it was time to get off the train.

It was striking to me because so many comics seem so obsessed with hierarchy BS that they won't even talk to comics who they think are "beneath" them. Or they'll just crack on them. Yet Louis, who's got HBO specials, didn't give a shit. He just came over and said hey and was a regular guy willing to talk, even though we're just three comics starting out. Puts getting blown off by some hack in perspective.

Oscar Fever!

Cops and comics

Venue: Bar None
Date: 2/22/07
Length: 8 minutes
Crowd: 25 people

Q: What's kryptonite to a comic?
A: A room full of drunken cops!

The place was crawling with 'em. Really drunk ones too. Show started with one of 'em, black dude, grabbing the mic and riffing and joking around and generally being unwilling to give up the mic. He was actually kind of funny. His cop buddies were loving it and egging him on. Problem: The show was supposed to begin and he wouldn't get off the mic. Finally, one of his pals gets him offstage and they all start taunting the comics and yelling shit like "You better be funny, NYU boy."

Victor was hosting and had the rough job of trying to grab the reins. Half the room hipsters and comics. The other half drunken cops talking to each other, yelling at the stage, and acting rowdy. The energy was actually pretty intense and, if judo'd properly, it might've segued well. But Victor took the bite and started getting antagonistic back at them. Shit nearly got out of hand at one point when one of them bumrushed the stage but then got held back by his buddies. I talked with Victor later and he said he's gotten rushed a couple of times while onstage but friends *always* hold the cockmouth back.

Anyway, Mike O'Rourke was the first comic and entered the lion's cage. He's fucking funny. Took it to 'em. The cops kept pretending they weren't cops, claiming at various points to be FDNY, Sanitation, dodgeball teachers, etc. But when Mike joked about having warrants one of them got all up in his face and he had to explain, "I'm fucking joking!" Mike's got a great style, acting kinda street/thuglike but being really intelligent with the shit he says. I dig.

By the time he got off, the room had been somewhat corralled. Actually, I might've helped a bit by yelling at one particularly loud table to shut up so we could pay attention to Mike. See, it's one thing if people are yelling at the comic and interacting. But if they're just talking loudly to each other and facing away from the stage, it distracts from the whole room. It's like a leak in a bucket. Energy keeps getting sucked out.

Still, the vibe of the room was really tense and bizarre. Cops and comics operate in a similar way, they always need to be in control. And that's where the clash happened. Neither side wanted to give an inch.

So another comic comes up. Kinda quiet white dude doing smart jokes. He's not bad but too timid to handle this crowd. Then, apparently another comic who was booked on the show decided he didn't want to go on. So the gals who do the show ask me if I want to go up. I was just at the show to get some cheap drinks, didn't expect to perform. But I think my yelling at the cops showed I was game for whatever and could maybe handle the situation.

So I went up. Started just chatty without really telling jokes. Tried to build some familiarity. Then I went into my bit on slutty girls. Right move. At least got the train rolling. I had one table talking back, with a really drunk cop on the verge of passing out and some chick who I assume was also a cop. Then I went into white collar comedy tour. Didn't really fly well. I was sloppy and slow 'cuz I was drunk and thrown off by the room a bit. Tough to concentrate when there's a dude about to pass out right in front of you. Everyone else in the room sensed it too. So I started chatting with him. But he couldn't even form a sentence. It was like trying to run a race against someone moving in slow motion. Whole thing descended from there. I just went off from any material and tried to comment on the room. Made fun of that girl's clothes (Filene's Basement in '97), the bar (the bucket collecting piss under the urinal pretty much summed it up), and the fact that the drunk dude tried to compliment his galpal by saying, "She's been around a long time." Just what every girl wants to hear, right?

It wasn't a very funny set. I wasn't prepared, I was pretty drunk, and I barely got any jokes out. But it was compelling to watch. And in that situation, if you can tread water, you've done pretty well. Another buckeye earned (or whatever those things on Ohio State's helmets are).

Win the hard ones first

Venue: Stand Up NY
Date: 2/18/07
Length: 9 minutes
Crowd: 20 people

Watching Mike DeStefano work was a real pleasure. Room was split, half black/white, and he played it beautifully, tailoring his act to the black folks and making fun of the white people. Lesson: Win over the people most likely to not like you, and the rest of the room will follow.

I had a good set too. I "headlined." But really, after 2.5 hours of comedy (some really bad), it's the bitch spot. It's like calling the guy who goes last at a gangbang the headliner. But I had good combo of riffing on the room and working in material.

Since the room was mixed, I decided to bring up race stuff too. White people are usually so sensitive about race that if you just talk about it in an honest way it comes across in a really refreshing way. Some of what I said:

I'll talk about black and white people. Who gives a shit? I'm not gonna say anything bad...'cuz I'm not fucking racist. I smoke too much weed to be racist. I don't have the energy for it. Racism does seem like a nice distraction from being broke and dumb though, like a vacation from your mind: (sarcastic) "I'm not thinking at all about my trailer cuz I hate black people." It's weird that black guys are always wearing hooded sweatshirts. Because you'd think if there was one group of people that would be opposed to outfits with hoods...Maybe we'll start seeing Jewish people growing little Hitler moustaches.

Butterfly with a tattoo

Butterfly / Stickers / Jazz / Zaragoza / Eskimos

Joe Rogan accuses Carlos Mencia of stealing jokes

Joe Rogan leads a bunch of comics in a posse-style attack on joke stealing Carlos Mencia...



The whole pack attack vibe in the video is a bit creepy but I respect the way comics have a code about stealing. If you're caught ripping material, you're pegged for life as persona non grata. Almost like a mafia thing. Rogan talks more about it here.

(Side note on the video: Note the power of the microphone. As soon as someone hands Rogan his own mic, the entire tone changes. Volume is a hell of a weapon.)

Other comics known for ripping off material: Denis Leary stole Bill Hicks material (Rogan talks about this), Robin Williams stole everyone's material (and is supposedly now banned from a lot of NYC clubs). Dane Cook's been accused of stealing from Louis CK and Rogan too. This Radar article has more on joke stealing.

On the flip side, there's gotta be some wiggle room for two people coming up with a joke independently. A lot of creative minds think alike. The "Who's gonna build the wall to keep the Mexicans out?" bit isn't exactly the most original joke I've ever heard.

Also, there's an argument to be made for subconscious leakage here. I can totally see how someone who listens to comedy nonstop and is in the clubs all the time might pick up ideas for material without realizing it. But still, if it's a pattern of behavior, that ain't right.

I've already buried a couple jokes that I came up with on my own. The inconvenience store bit. And I recently had to toss this bit too:

I like when guys come up with these sex acts that humiliate women and then give them strange nicknames. I make up new ones. "That chick I was with last night...I gave her a Detroit Suitcase." That's when you're eating a girl out, you vomit on her, and then you throw her out the window. It's really fucking hot. Or there's the Velvet Porcupine. That's when you she's giving you head and you cover her with honey and then you release a swarm of bees in the room.

Another comic told me Patrice O'Neal does a big chunk on the same topic (I've never seen him). I guess I could go ahead and try it anyway since I did come up with it on my own, but it ain't worth it. As someone starting out, I really don't want to get tagged as a thief.

Besides, it's good inspiration to come up with material that's more personal and authentic to myself. The more you get to a specific, personal truth, the less likely it is that someone else will have covered the same ground.

Would you like some mustard with your table?

HBO in the house

One cool thing about NYC is you can show up to do a slot at normal Monday night "new talent" show and have three guys who've been on HBO there testing out material. Gary Gulman, Jim Norton, and Louis CK were all in the house at Stand Up NY last night and killed it. These guys can sell out big clubs but I think it's even more fun to watch them work a tiny crowd where many/most of the people there don't even know who they are.

Gary MC'd the night. It's interesting how he plays up his "cocky bastard" attitude onstage with his I'm so funny and so good looking schtick. Kinda the opposite of what most comedians do (i.e. obsess over their flaws). He mixes it in with some self-deprecating material and an aw-shucks persona so it works.

The funniest part of Jim Norton's set was the guy who was Amen-ing a lot of Jim's sickest (and presumably somewhat sarcastic) jokes. Jim: "It's awkward going with your girlfriend to get your AIDS test results because you can't really celebrate that much." Guy in back: "Aw, yeah. That's the truth!" Jim: "A guy can't stop fucking a girl once he starts..." Guy in back: "No, he can't! Oh damn, no way!" Best of all, this guy was on a date! WTF? I can only imagine what that poor girl was thinking at her loudmouth, STD-prone, rapist of a date.

Louis CK was the best of the bunch though. He was introduced by the MC and a bunch of people got up to go the bathroom which was amusing in its own way. Louis was just so smooth though. Chuckled about it and moved on. I usually can't stand comics doing jokes about their kids/marriage/etc. but his biting honesty on the subjects is a whole different can of worms. He did great bits about fighting with his wife, how having kids makes you understand how someone could put their kid in a garbage can, the differences between women and girls, etc.

Aside: I went to piss at one point in the night and some dude was in the can taking a dump while talking on one of those walkie talkie cell phones. First off, what the hell is the point of those phones? And why on earth would you use one while taking a shit in a public bathroom?! Then he hung up (or "10-4'd" or whatever). But apparently silence was not an option for this guy. After a few moments, he sighed, "Whoo!" Out loud. I guess so I could empathize with his efforts? Because no one actually has to exclaim out loud while shitting, right??? Hmm, maybe there's just something wrong with me.

The buttons for my brain elevator

The flip

Venue: East Village Lounge (open mic)
Date: 2/8/07
Length: 7 minutes
Crowd: 25 people



Nice feeling last night: I flipped a room from red to black. Open mic at East Village Lounge. My first time there. The room was DONE. Two comics before me had both ventured into creepy territory. Comic yelling at MC, borderline racist/crazy stuff even. (Btw, it's a pretty good sign you're a shitty comic if, after your set, you feel the need to tell someone, "It's ok, I'm biracial.") There were eight people left upfront, the rest were in the back by the bar drinking. I was, um, "cooked" and in my don't give a shit mode. It worked.

First thing I did was call out the bizarro comics before me. "I didn't realize this was a crazy crazy open mic. All open mics are crazy. But this is one of those crazy crazy ones."

Still some loud talking in the back. I decided to get louder. "Is there a fight going on? It's comedy, let's love each other. Or laugh. Or at least stop talking." A little bitchslap to quiet 'em down. They started to pay attention.

Then I commented how open mic comics always start out with ridic premises that no one agrees with..."Remember when you first joined the priesthood?" Er, not really. "Don't you hate it when girls have sex before marriage?" Um, actually I think that's pretty cool.

And then I mentioned the funniest things I had heard so far in the night were actually reactions from the crowd. A guy onstage who was bombing said, "What, do you want me to do a trick?" And some guy in the back said, "Get circumcised." I said, "Now that's funny."

And then there was the un-punch line. Some guy onstage goes, "So when I was in college..." And a guy in the back starts laughing. But that wasn't the joke. The comic was going somewhere with it. But apparently this dude in the back found the concept that this guy had gone to college hilarious on its own.

By this point, the crowd seemed with me. Or at least relieved. I called the couple who was sitting right in front brave and said something about them being willing to sit right next to a dragon.

But then I had an interesting blank out moment where I almost lost 'em. I was doing a joke about how white people always call Barack Obama "articulate" and I sarcastically mimicked a white person saying something like, "He speaks so well for a negro!" It wasn't racist at all (making fun of racists actually) but I think subconciously my mind tripped on the fact that I just said the word "negro" in public. Like I had done something naughty. And then I just blanked out. Couldn't remember where I was supposed to go next with it. Black dude in the front row had to remind we where I was and then I hopped back on. But it was an interesting little trap door I fell into.

I then went into some of my prepared stuff, things I'm working on getting the delivery just right. Went well. I even got the back of the room paying attention and the bartenders laughing (they liked the "whores for oil" bit I've been working on).

Maybe there's some other word besides "flipped" I'm supposed to use for what happened, but that's the first time I've taken a room that negative into the positive. And I did it by being in the moment and just describing what was happening in the room. Plus, I was amusing myself. When you think something's funny and you're almost laughing while you talk about it, people are a lot more likely to give up laughs too.

Afterwards, the MC got back up and thanked me for bringing the attention back to the stage. I got handshakes and good jobs from the other comics. And on my way out, the bartender stopped me, asked me my name, and told me to come back next week. It was just a stupid open mic but I'm more proud of that set than any other I've done to date.

Workshopping jokes

Some rough drafts for jokes I had with Daniela's comments on 'em in italics.

Slutty girls pretend they're inexperienced. They always tell the same lie: "I never do this sort of thing." Meanwhile she's pulling out the nipple clamps, handcuffs, and the Jaws of Life. Er, something's suspicious here.

(the setup should be: slutty girls pretend they are inexperienced. That's good. "I never do this sort of thing" Is good but the examples aren't yet funny- ie rick had the same setup and would say I never this sort of thing and stick the whole mic in his mouth or I have the same setup I say I never do this sort of thing and I had and last week I was tested. You need a punch after the I never do this sort of thing... I really like you just saying I don't need to feel special I need the job done right-

Slutty girls are good for society. They keep pussy in circulation. Without them, there would be a pussy drought. And a pussy drought is bad news for *everyone*...just look at the Middle East. If there were more slutty girls there, guys wouldn't be blowing themselves up to get to those 72 virgins in heaven.

Cut it down! Say: Easy women are the best. A pussy drought would be bad for everyone. The middle east stuff has been done with the 72 virgins- think of a new punch. You could say look at the middle east its terrible. We shouldn't be at war we should exchange oil for our whores 10 barrels for every girl on elimidate. Or something else that is a real problem about slutty girls not being around.

The internet has made male fantasies so specific. Guys used to say, "I like Asian chicks." Now a guy likes barely legal Asian midget cheerleader gangbangs. Meanwhile, his buddy only gets off on *amateur* barely legal Asian midget cheerleader gangbangs. 'Cuz the pro Asian midget cheerleaders just aren't believable. Weddings are like porn for women. Girls don't care about Playgirl, they get off on Modern Bride. It's not "Look at that wang!"...It's "Look at that Vera Wang!"

There are a few different subjects going on in this joke only every have one subject before there is a punchline. The setup is-Say: The internet is making things complicated guys used to say I like asian chicks now they say I like barely legal midget cheerleaders who only do gangbangs. The following stuff about the other guy who likes weird porn too is complicated. You need a punch like "I cant keep up I just like asian chicks" The wedding stuff is a separate joke: Women don't seem to like porn- they don't seem to get off on playgirl the masturbate to modern bride. Look it's a vera wang- im cumming.

Weddings make girls crazy. What other explanation is there for how much wedding crap costs? $2,000 for a fucking *cake*!? I wouldn't pay $2k for a cake if it had one layer of crack, one layer of ecstasy, and frosting made out of Angelina Jolie's pussy juice.

Weddings are stupid. 2000 for a cake I wouldn't pay 2000 for a cake unless the frosting was made out of Angelina jolies pussy juice.

Women have this whole thing with showing off the size of their engagement rings. The subliminal message: It shows what a good provider their mate is. "You got engaged? Let me see the ring!" Men can't do this though. You'll never hear a guy say, "Dude, you got engaged!? Let me see a picture of her tits!"

Women show off their engagement rings. Yuck! Just once I wanna hear a guy say to another guy you got engaged show me the picture of her tits.

Dr. Phil's lost it. He's always spouting those weird Texas phrases but I think he's just making them up. Like: "When you're an armadillo, sometimes it's hard to see the rodeo through the trees." "There's no sense blowing on a tumbleweed if you got a pair of pliers in yer saddle." What the fuck are you talking about Dr. Phil?

The only way to handle this is to say- I feel boring I just wanna go around talking like Dr phil especially on dates with airhead girls. Girl "so these shoes are prada" you "when youre and armadillo it's hard to see the rodeo through the trees" Girl "no I said prada" "Theres no sense blowing on a tumbleweed if you got a pair of pliers" girl "what?" you " I meant blow me."

Dr. Phil also has a weight loss book out. How can a fat man write a book about weight loss? I'm going to put it on my bookshelf right next to "Flava Flav's Guide to Finding Your Soul Mate."

This is good.

Slutty girls keep pussy in circulation

Venue: Stand Up NY
Date: 2/06/07
Length: 8 minutes (excerpt below)
Crowd: 15 people



Uphill battle. Night after Super Bowl. 11 degrees outside. I went on second to last after 2+ hours of so so comics. All considered, it went alright.

I've been working on some new jokes with Daniela and tried some of 'em out. The lines she helped me with got laughs. But when I strayed, the jokes fell flat (too many words, not confident on delivery, etc.). Each word matters so much.

Top priority: I need to tighten stuff up...get a rhythm going. The edited clip on this post shows how my set should sound. Instead I dilly dally too much between punch lines. And whenever i tell a joke for the first time, I talk too much. Hunting and pecking. Too much setup/explaining. I need to just get in and get out.

Matt finally watched Brian's first movie...

A pic of my cameo in Rounders. I told them to make me look like a seventies porn producer.

Matt:
just finished Rounders DVD. great stuff. esp knowing you and picking up on the bits of your life, like law school, michael mcdermott, etc. what an amazing cast too.

i'm sure you've already discussed ad nauseum but...

a few bits in commentary track made me think of comedy: the talk about how audiences enjoy the movie more because they don't understand a lot of the card terminology/references. in my mind, audiences like when a connection is over their head because it shows that you're not insulting them...you're giving them the benefit of the doubt. similar to dennis miller's rattling off arcane references. you'll never get all of 'em but that makes you like the ones you do get that much more.

and then the part where ed norton talks about the thrill of losing to better players. something about how it's "embarrassing yet intoxicating" at the same time. sounds a lot like what it feels like to bomb onstage.

and the suspense vs. surprise discussion was interesting too. sometimes i think comedy is like writing a horror movie or a movie with a surprise twist. it's all about giving enough clues to have it make sense but not enough clues to ruin the suprise. always tough to guage that when you already "know how it ends."

and glad u guys admitted the scene where he rejects foxy famke is ridic. ; )

Brian:
...glad you liked rounders. it's strange how much writing that script changed my life. I remember the beginning days of doing that, of committing to it, of showing up every morning with David to write in this little storage closet with a slop sink, a half a desk and one chair. We saved the draft to floppy disk each day, and each night I would read back what we wrote, amazed that the pages were actually filling up with stuff.

I love thinking about beginnings. David had written screenplays before, but the whole thing was so new to me, and was something I had wanted to do so much and for so long. These beginning days of stand up are similar, somehow, in that I don't know what I am doing, but I love doing it, I have moments of real connection, moments where I feel lost, moments when I am a rank amateur, moments when I know I look and sound like a professional up there. You know what I mean?

Thanks for this picture, by the way.

Matt:
On beginnings...They come with some very cool stuff: Learning, surprises, a time when work feels more like play, anxiety (the good kind), the satisfaction you get from overcoming fear, etc. Beginnings give a rush.

Gotta chop, chop, chop

Venue: Stand Up NY
Date: 1/29/07
Length: 6 minutes
Crowd: 15 people

Mixed feelings about my set last night. On the one hand, it was a dead room so might as well go down with material that I wanted to try. On the other hand, I feel bad getting onstage in front of a "real" audience with material that's completely untested. Feels almost unfair to 'em. Overall, it was a rough few minutes but there were a couple of things I hit on that have potential.

One thing I've noticed is that whenever I try new material, my setups are way too wordy. Makes it more conversational but also comes off as if the set is dragging. When I refine jokes, I'm always chopping 'em down severely. Keeps the pace up.

I'm looking forward to getting more stage time so I'm not as anxious to try new stuff out all the time. I feel like I have to make the most out of my time onstage instead of just relaxing and going with the flow. Like I wish I had chatted with the two Microsoft Vista-promoting chicks or one of the other tables. Since I'm still excited to test out material I don't act as "real" as I should.

I'm in a really unhealthy relationship

I'm in a really unhealthy relationship. I've got polio and she's got smallpox. It's sick.

I caught a butterfly the other day. Crazy thing is it had a tattoo on it's lower back. It was a picture of a teenage girl.

A friend of mine got a Chinese character tattoo. I asked him what the symbol means. He said, "It's Chinese for 'unoriginal tattoo.'"

Life is like a movie. One that was inspired by a true story.

I want to know where Dr. Pepper went to medical school. 'Cuz he is putting his name on some unhealthy shit.

I admire the optimism of unemployed people who say they're "in between jobs." I'm not optimistic about work, but I am optimistic about sex. So I like to say "I'm in between blow jobs." That might be why I don't get hired.

The death of an inconvenience store

Joke of mine: "You always see convenience stores. But I just opened up an inconvenience store. It's only open on Sundays between 5-6 AM. And everything's always out of stock."

Got some laughs with it but never *loved* it loved it.

Today Brian writes, "...you can't do the inconvenience store joke anymore. I was just watching Rob Schneider on Young Comedian's special from 1989 and he does it on there. Says he opened an inconvenience store, they won't give you change, they don't have shelves, etc... thought you'd want to know. at least it's a pro joke you thought of. even if shneider became a hack."

My response: "So I'm like a young Rob Schneider, eh? Scaaaary. ; ) I better start preparing to audition for "Deuce Bigalow 3: The Deuce is Loose."

Anyhow, like Rob Schneider, that joke is now dead to me.

Lobster

The sanctity of marriage

Venue: Caroline's
Date: 1/20/07
Length: 5 minutes
Crowd: 120 people



My set at Caroline's went well. I knew I wanted to get a good tape from it so I brought my A material (different version of video coming but this one's all I've got for now). Had a nice rhythm to it and I was confident cuz I had done well with the exact same set at an open mic on Thursday. If I get open mic'ers to laugh then I think that's a good sign it's gonna work in front of normal people too. Was a very friendly crowd too. Got a lot of positive feedback after the set which was cool.

COMMENTS FROM CLASS TEACHER ON THE SET
Blue collar tractor joke good, White collar: good premise but the private jet joke and country club wife could not follow the anchor joke so you need to punch up or rewrite. Same with celebrity'sanctity of marriage joke. Celebrity punchline good but Britney couldn't follow it. It was more of a commentary than a punchline. Need to punch up. That's it. The close, gay/jewish parade was great.

COMMENTS FROM DANIELA ON THE SET
(Paraphrased from notes) Take the mic out of the stand. It's blocking you from the audience and you're not comfortable enough onstage yet to do it. The Mel Gibson joke is not your opener. Takes too long to get to the punch. Mention the bringer audience. Schlomo/Blind Date joke is good. Schlomo is a great word. Love the Blue Collar Comedy joke too but don't say "hack joke" line. Was better other time you did it when you talked (sarcastically) about how much you love that kind of comedy. Gay pride parade & jewish "we control Hollywood and the media" stuff is strong. These are some great jokes. Great confidence. A+ set. Well, A+ for a bringer audience. Which means more like a B set for a regular audience.

Summary of the stand up class at Manhattan Comedy School

So Brian and I just finished taking a stand up comedy class at the Manhattan Comedy School, which is affiliated with Caroline's.

About the class
Andy Engel, the guy who books the new talent night (aka bringer show) at Caroline's, puts the class together. The teacher was Linda Smith (working comic who's appeared on Conan and HBO and a writer for The Rosie O'Donnell Show, among others). There were about 19 students in the beginning, a few dropped out along the way.

Classes were held at a dance studio in midtown. We met once a week and we slowly built up material. First class, we started by doing two minute sets each. Did more each week building up to a graduation show at Caroline's (it's during the day and the attendees are friends/family of students). Every one did a five minute set at the show and we got a tape of the performance.

Supportive open mic environment
It wasn't so much an instructive class as it was a supportive environment to perform weekly. Linda would offer comments about what was good or not after each set (other students would chime in too) but there wasn't really much actual instruction along the way. The first week we got a handout on some different joke types but that was it.

What was good about this: Compared to real open mics, which are often downers, it was a friendly atmosphere for getting comfortable performing in front of others, learning how to handle the mic, tightening material, etc.

Students
The other students in the class were a mix of unemployed actors, professional dudes who wear cell phones on their belts, a couple of younger hipsters, and random others. Average age was around 30. Seemed like more than a few commuted in from the 'burbs. As performers they were generally pretty bad. A couple were completely delusional (a la American Idol wannabes who can't sing). There were maybe four people with potential, five who were painful, and the rest were somewhere in between.

Was it worth it?
I would've liked it better if there had been tougher criticism involved. Linda was pretty soft on us most of the time. I know you don't want to crush the hopes of beginners but I like constructive criticism, even if it's painful. That said, I understand why she acted that way. It's a delicate situation when some people know what they're doing and some are completely clueless. I think she handled it pretty well.

The class definitely helped me build confidence and it was good to meet other aspiring comics. Yeah, I wish there had been more on topics like premises, act-outs, mixes, calling the room, etc. But it was still worth it.

Plus, I got a solid tape with Caroline's in the background. That's something a lot of comics would kill for.

Bottom line
If you're just starting out in comedy, it's a good way to get your toes wet, build confidence, and meet others. If you're already seasoned, you'll probably feel like someone stuck you on the short bus.

BRIAN ADDS...
I agree with you that the class is really most suited to those whose primary need is confidence, support and the opportunity to get a soft landing the first few times in the air. But I also think that those things are pretty tough to come by in the stand-up game, and that Linda in particular, is genuine in her enthusiasm and desire to help everyone get better.

And I found that both Andy and Linda were really helpful outside class too. That is, I could run material past Linda, report in to her on how my shows were going, get more specific critique by sending her emails or calling her. I don't know if you took advantage of that.

Plus, Andy made a call or two on my behalf to other club bookers recommending that they take a look at me. And he put me up on stage at Caroline's on a Monday night ( I got massacred by the way. I totally choked---no timing, no punchlines, no confidence, I was like Michael Spinks staring across the ring at Tyson in '88, the fight was over before it even started). But still, Andy gave me the shot. Do I think he did it because I'm a screenwriter/producer? I don't know. But for whatever reason, I feel like I got my money's worth out of the class.

The biggest drag to me was that the person I thought had the most potential, in fact, I'd say the one person who seemed to me to be a born comic in that class quit. And I thought it might have been because she was embarrassed to be in a room filled with so many hacks, so many cliched writers, you know? (Nice job by me, huh, calling other writers cliched after I reference Spinks/Tyson...)

The image of death

Venue: Caroline's
Date: 1/20/07
Length: 5 minutes
Crowd: 70 people



BRIAN
I was actually happy with my set, b/c all I cared about was that first bit (posted above). I had thought it would really work, and now I know it can. I think it's the first actual proper bit I have written. Did it work for you sittiing there?

MATT
Overall comments on your progression: I think you're doing a really good job of getting comfortable and natural on stage. You seem more honest and natural each time i see you. You're not hitting a lot of big punch lines yet but i think that'll come.

Did you check out that book i mentioned a while back, Judy Carter's comedy bible? It's totally cheesy at times but has a LOT of really good analysis in there on starting each joke with a defined attitude/premise, using act-outs to get laughs, incorporating mixes, etc. it's been really helpful for me.

She really emphasizes brevity and conciseness too. One thing she says that I think is really good: "If it's not part of the joke, it's part of the problem." I think tightening up your jokes would help a lot. Taking too long to get to the laughs sometimes.

Comments on your set:

* 1st bit had a real nice rhythm to it, almost musical in the way you went back and forth between NYC and LA parts. Would like to see you get to a punchline earlier in the bit though. "Invite you to twice as many parties" gets big laughs...maybe go even further with it?..."invite you to some really raunchy parties." Def a good start though.

* You could extend this topic even further. Do more comparison of blue collar NYC types vs. plastic LA types. Like what Chris Rock does in his "Commitment vs. New Pussy" bit. There's fertile ground here.

* Don't step on your laughs. At least once you started telling a joke before they were done laughing at the last one. Wait till the laughs start to recede and then keep going.

* I'm not crazy about the Neil Diamond joke but maybe it's cuz I actually like Neil Diamond. ; ) Fwiw, Heather mentioned she thinks Death looks a lot like Barry Manilow these days after his gazillion plastic surgeries.

BRIAN
Watched it. Actually, the hollywood and neil diamond things got a lot of laughs. which is how I remembered it, but then I thought you were saying they didn't and i figured I remembered it wrong. the rest of it was just disorganized and jumbled and I wasnt concentrating.

MATT
Oh yeah, you def got some laughs. Was just trying to offer some constructive criticism cuz I think that's more helpful than merely saying "you did swell."

BRIAN
I've been sitting here thinking about the whole punch line thing. And I've decided not to push. I'm not going to do the judy carter book or any book or joke forms or any of that. I'm totally prepared to spend a year not getting consistent laughs in order to find my material in a more natural, unconscious way. Even the jokes I have that always get big laughs, like the subway joke, are too stock, not original or specific enough to really define anything. So I'm basically dropping them from the act. I dig the hollywood thing because of how it came to me, because it is essentially true, because it is representative of where I find myself and because it takes the audience on a journey. I think that the reason the audience was there for the end of that bit is that they were interested in where it was gonna go, even if they weren't laughing, they were listening. And if I can keep them interested and listening, then I feel like in the end, in a month from now, or in a year or two years, I can get them listening and laughing. Or, you know, maybe I'll just give the whole thing up after tonight...

MATT
Yeah, I totally get where you're coming from and I think your reasoning makes sense. Actually, she makes a lot of the same points in the book. About finding your authentic voice, finding subjects you feel passionate about, etc. The structures are really just tools you use to shape the jokes.

Depends on whether you want to follow a map or just navigate your own path. If you choose the latter, the journey might take longer. But you also might wind up somewhere more interesting.

Personally, I get a kick out of knowing the rules, at least at first. It makes it that much more fun when you break 'em.

Joke structures (like premise -> act-out -> mix) remind me of the underlying structures you find in other creative outlets, like grids in graphic design or scales in music. Helpful tools but ones that should def be used as a foundation, not a crutch.

COMMENTS FROM LINDA ON THE SET
I specifically liked the Hollywood/New York bit. It immediately establishes your stage persona, but it needs to be tighter which will allow you to carry that attitude through your whole performance. The death bit is a great premise. It's original and fresh, but I felt it fell a bit flat. I would like to see you develop it more. Punch it up and run with it.

You are obviously a great writer and that showed in the material. Your performance chops will come from stage time, stage time, stage time. Overall you did a nice job. Keep tweaking your material and keep showing up.

Death and Neil

I see that Matt referenced this weird bit of mine that he called the neil diamond joke. Which is better called the death joke so as not to ruin the punchline. That said, punchline already ruined, here is the bit.

I freaked myself out the other night.
I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't get the image of death out of my head.
I just kept thinking of death. And then the phone rang, and I was scared to pick it up. I thought, what if it's him, death, on the phone. Would I answer and say, 'hey, I was just thinking about you,' and would he say, 'see, I told you we should hook up with each other...' and I really almost lost it, but then I realized, hey, that's not the image of death in my head, it's Neil Diamond, I just get them confused sometimes.

Hi, it's Brian

Hey, this is Brian Koppelman. Matt and I met in a comedy class. We were among the small group of folks in the class who could be considered, by some, to be clinically sane. And we have been performing on a bunch of the same shows around the city. I guess some combination of those things led Matt to invite me to come post here. The below is a bit I wrote this morning, that I am going to perform this afternoon. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm a hollywood screenwriter but I live in new york. People ask me why. I say it's so I can keep it real, grounded. So that I can have non-hollywood friends, you know regular guys, working guys. But it gets tricky, because each world has different customs. See, half the people, the Hollywood people, you kiss hello, the other half, the regular guys, you give a hearty handshake. Now, if I just offer a hand to some hollywood guy who expects a kiss by accident, he's gonna think he offended me somehow. But if I try to kiss one of the regular guys, he's gonna give me a bloody nose. If the hollywood folks see I have a bloody nose they're gonna organize an intervention, try and throw me in rehab for cocaine addiction. If one of the new york guys sees I have a bloody nose, he's gonna ask me who the fuck did it and tell me we need to go take a bite out of that guy's ass. If I then tell one of the Hollywood folks I just took a bite out of some guy's ass...he's gonna invite me to twice as many parties. If I tell a new yorker I was at a party with a bunch of assbiters, he's gonna punch me in the nose...and we'd have to start the whole thing all over again.

"How's it feel?" (IM about stand up)

Jason: how's it feel, btw? standup
Me: very interesting. material counts for a lot but so much is delivery, timing, confidence, etc. they say you need to do it for years to even get decent. all about stage time
Jason: Feels like it's one of the hardest jobs there is
Me: one nice thing: there's an easily quantifiable metric for success...laughter. you know if shit is working or not.
Jason: true but the rejection...
Me: yeah, u def have to believe in what you're saying. same material can kill w/ one audience and die with another. it's been an interesting learning curve.
Jason: I bet. It's gotta help in a lot of other ways too. General confidence, general belief in your own ideas, etc
Me: i've prob already got a fairly delusional amount of confidence/belief in my own ideas.

I am a penguin racist

Venue: Mo Pitkin's
Date: 1/14/07
Length: 8 minutes
Crowd: 25 people



This is just an excerpt (whole set went 8 minutes). Went for the more absurdist one-liner bits. Did ok though crowd was a bit fatigued by that point (it's a mixed open mic w/ musicians and comics).

This video is the first time I've ever seen myself do standup. I think I look pretty comfortable. I seem stoned (I am not). I like leaving the mic in the stand but then I'm not sure what to do with my hands. Note to self: Don't strike fabulous poses, like hand on hip, that make you look super gay (later in set, unseen here).

Brian: I like that penguin joke. The premise is really strong. We've talked a bunch about the idea of there being a few different approaches a new stand up can take in shaping his act. And we seem to have classified your approach as being absurdist or kind of third person observing and mine as a real first-person, self-revelatory thing. But in thinking about your jokes, they actually reveal a ton about the way you see the world. When the absurdist jokes are specific and tight they also serve as a sort of map of your brain. And so the audience gets to know you just as well as they get to know me when I am talking about something that might, on the surface, be more personal. Not that any of these distinctions/ruminations even fucking matter, by the way, especially to the audience. But in the beginning, before I can actually make anyone laugh, I take some bullshit comfort in being able to intellectualize about it.

Daniela: Stop swaying and leaning! Take the mic out of the stand. Don't do the penguin racist joke. It's been done before. Alcohol under attack is good.

Should I stay or should I go?

Venue: Stand Up NY
Date: 1/8/07
Length: 8 minutes
Crowd: 17 people

I wanted to try sticking to written material since I wandered around quite a bit my prev time on stage. I felt like I kinda stiffed it but when I listened back to the set it seemed delivered well at least.

Tough room by that stage of the evening. After 1.5 hours of comedy, it's tough to keep laughing – I realize why movie comedies are so short now. Following HBO guys doesn't help either. Def educational to see how the pros do it though.

Weird too cuz the crowd was so split. You had the 10 kinda angry black kids, the Abercrombie and Fitch table, the parents waiting for their kid, etc. I don't think I've got the street cred to really appeal to the urban crowd but I didn't want to seem like I was performing just for the little white kids. I threw in my Snoop bit and some stuff that I normally would leave out. Tough to be all things to all people though.

I think that's part of why I liked the Mo Pitkin's open mic thing...it was more "my people" (downtown types). I'm learning how much the audience determines where you go with things. Do you stick with the material that you care about most even if it's bombing or do you tailor it to the crowd? Something to think about.

--

Note I sent to Brian (who performed earlier in the evening): Nice job winging it last night. Might not have maximized laughs but I think you're def building up comfort level on stage. I think it's a process of getting comfortable and then tightening it up so there's still laugh points.

Some minor comments: You started off seeming like you were gonna be really open/honest/confessional, which was good, but then you went into the Neil Diamond joke. Seemed like a disconnect. Also, kids these days prob don't hide their porn stash under the bed (I assume they just get it all on the internet). Might be dating yourself there.

Brian's Response: Thanks for your thoughts. Yeah, it was a tough night, but also a really good experience to have.