Sandpaper Suit is NYC standup comic Matt Ruby's (now defunct) comedy blog. Keep in touch: Sign up for Matt's weekly Rubesletter. Email mattruby@hey.com.
This post brought to you by the letter F... F as in FLYING CARPET. F as in FREE SHOW. F as in FULL MOON. F as in THIS SATURDAY. (deal with it)
That's right. It's gonna be a full moon for Saturday's Flying Carpet comedy extravaganza. You'll finally have an excuse for being all hairy and breaking the law.
Flying Carpet Sat, June 30 @ 7pm Free! Downstairs At Mo Pitkin's 34 Ave A (Btwn 2 & 3 St)
If you don't come, you're silly. Check out this lineup:
Reggie Watts (http://www.reggiewatts.com/) Freestyle soul comedy beatbox confusionist. DO NOT MISS!
Rob Cantrell (http://www.robcantrell.com/) Last Comic Standing finalist, host of Chronic Comedy crowd at Comix.
Joe Mande (http://www.joemande.com/) Host of J/K at Rififi. Big city comedian.
Brian Koppelman (http://www.myspace.com/bk15) Screenwriter of Ocean's 13 and Rounders, Caroline's, Stand Up NY.
Dan Soder (http://www.myspace.com/scareddan) K-Rock, Comedy Village, Stand Up NY.
Mike O'Rourke (thinks the internet is for dorks) Last show we did together he almost got arrested. Really.
Matt Ruby (http://www.sandpapersuit.com) Loves the voodoo you do so well.
Still not convinced?! Well, look at this flyer:
And just to finish you off, watch Reggie Watt's perform "Out of Control":
...That's just sick. It's beyond sick. It's dead. Totally dead. See you Saturday.
Dating tip: If you're single, never go on the show Blind Date. They only set up people who have ZERO chance of liking each other:
[Announcer:] "Let's meet our daters. Tiffany is a 23-year old aerobics instructor who loves hanging out at the beach. She's looking for an athletic stud who likes to do body shots. And here's her date...Schlomo is a 68-year old Rabbi from Riverdale whose interests include studying the Torah and philosophical debates about Nietschze. Therapist Joe says they're an unlikely couple."
I love Mel Gibson and these other people who go into rehab because alcohol is the cause of their anti-semitism, pedophilia, or whatever. Sorry guys, alcohol doesn't make you do random things, it makes you do what you actually want to do. No one ever gets really shitfaced and then does something altruistic. You never hear, "Dude, I did 14 shots of Jack last night and then I went and volunteered at a soup kitchen." No one says, "We're gonna kill this keg and then we're gonna Teach for fucking America!"
And I think people who need drinking games are pussies. Beer pong? Fuck you. I have a fun drinking game: It's called Beer. You take a drink each time you get thirsty. Easy!
Show some respect for booze. Other drugs don't need games. There's no Heroin Sudoku. No one's playing Crossword Puzzle Crack. "I need 23 across...NOW!"
The other night I saw a commercial for Sam Adams where the owner of the company brags that his whole staff, including the legal team, are "beer geeks." I think that's a great euphemism for alcoholic. Also, Sam Adams sounds like a great company to sue.
I saw a big name comic drop the facade last night. I'll leave him nameless to keep him off of Google. (As if I've got sooooo much Google juice. Anyway...)
He went up at the end of the show on Monday at Comedy Village. A couple of really hack bringers went up before him. Maybe that led to his ultra-confessional set. He sat at a stool and laid it all out there.
He said he's miserable. He doesn't want to do comedy any more. And this is someone who's made it. Comedy Central special, Leno, Letterman, etc. 10+ years of comedy.
He said he felt like it was all a waste. His jokes are about little things. Observational stuff. And he said that shit just doesn't matter. The world is crumbling and he's joking about food. How can he do that when there's a criminal in the White House and the ice caps are melting?
He said he made lots of money. He got lots of attention. He did better than 99% of comics who get on stage. But he can't face himself in the mirror. He raced to sell out and now he wishes he hadn't. He wished he had rocked the boat. He said he should've talked about things that actually matter to him.
He wanted to make money and be loved and he got that. But now he lives in a fancy building and looks down and wonders if there's a spot he can jump from where he won't hit anyone when he falls.
He wants to quit standup and teach high school kids instead. Why not start rocking the boat now? "It's too late."
His advice to a newer comic friend of his: "Stop trying to get everybody to love you. Talk about what really matters to you." Because what really matters is all that really matters.
It was a pretty naked moment. Was he 100% serious? I don't know. The tough thing with great comics is they always seem like they're joking. He'd talk about how worthless he is and people would laugh. Will he actually quit? He seemed serious but I still think he'll change his mind. Tough to just walk away from that level of success. Regardless, there was definitely more than a grain of truth in his words.
From a comic viewpoint, it was the kind of thing that made you want to race home and write more. Write something personal, important, and meaningful. It's better to fail with shit that means something to you than succeed with material you don't care about.
Oddly enough, moving in with my girlfriend has turned me gay.
First step: Bedding. Chicks dig sheets, pillows, and thread count. I used to be fine with just two pillows. Now that I moved in with my gf, guess how many pillows there are on my bed. 4? No. 6? Nope. 97. There are 97 pillows on my bed. I have to sleep on the floor in order to make room for all the pillows on the bed. My pillows have pillows. "Nah, pillow. You've had a hard day. Kick back, yo."
I also have to buy a "loveseat." I'm convinced shopping for a loveseat is the gayest thing you can do. I'd rather just buy two gay men who are fucking to sit on. "Ricky, Raoul, keep it steady. I'm trying to watch The Daily Show."
You could be listening to the Pet Shop Boys while watching Grey's Anatomy and it wouldn't be as gay as shopping for a loveseat. Actually, you could be listening to the Pet Shop Boys while watching Grey's Anatomy and anally penetrating another man and it wouldn't be as gay as shopping for a loveseat.
To top it off, my girl's dad is this supercarpenter dude who came in and built all this shelving for our place. He brings in his table saw and a nail gun and something called a pancake compressor and starts building shit. I know how this works...I watch Extreme Home Makeover...So I pull out a megaphone and start yelling at him "Move that Bus!" Then I start crying.
See, I'm Jewish. We don't do carpentry. We gave that stuff up after Jesus. (It didn't work out so well for him, y'know?) While her dad's building all this stuff, the only thing I can think to say, "Is there anything I can sue? My people are good at that."
The in-flow set is when you're just riffing. It's the opposite of a typical set you see on tv, where everything's super-rehearsed. You're in the moment, calling the room, doing crowdwork, working in something that happened today, saying whatever's on your mind, barely relying on established material at all. You're just so funny that you can make it up as you go along. The audience guides you with their response.
Two of the best I've seen at this: Greg Giraldo (tornado energy) and Todd Barry (hypnotic delivery). One reason you see these guys do sets at small places like UCB or Rififi, for free/cheap, is because that environment is where they can really go for flow.
Flow riffing comes with extra bite. When you're doing written material, your brain is in the back. When you're improvising, your brain comes to the front. You're applied. The audience senses that. They give you extra points for pulling off the dance. Plus, it's easier to say something surprising. After all, you're surprising yourself. Surprising = funny.
Some pro comics are so good at weaving in and out of written material that you don't know which parts they've done before and which ones are just coming to 'em on the spot. They make the transition seamless. That's why it's interesting to see the same comic multiple times in a short stretch. You see when they drop anchor and when they sail.
Flow sets are great because they're fun to do, especially if you perform all the time. Doing the same jokes every night for months on end is lame. If you can pull off the in-flow set, you keep yourself amused. Plus, you get to discover all the time. When you hit on something that kills, you can save it and bring it in to your foundation set, the one you might use on tv or whatever.
Flow sets are when you jam. Foundation sets are when you play your songs.
The church is the only place that can get away with institutionalized rape. (Well, the church and prison.) Can you imagine if thousands of 12-year old boys were getting raped at Kinko's? Kinko's would be shut the fuck down! No one would accept the excuses the church uses: "Oh that was Charlie, the night manager. We transferred him to the uptown branch so there's no problem, really. Stay quiet about it and we'll give you two years of unlimited free copies."
Had an interesting chat with Donnell Rawlings (standup who's done Chappelle Show and lots more) the other night outside Comedy Village about rhythm and comedy. The topic of John Mayer doing standup came up (supposedly he's not bad). Donnell said he met him through Chappelle Show and wasn't surprised that he'd be good at standup. "Anyone who's good at making observations and is used to being onstage talking in front of a lot of people will probably make for a good standup."
Being a musician/comic, I mentioned that I think rhythm has a lot to do with it too. (Note: I'm not a big Mayer fan — shoot me if I ever write something even remotely as pussyfied as "Your Body is a Wonderland — but whatever, he's got musical chops.) Good musicians recognize the power of rhythm, the difference between accenting the 3 instead of the 2, etc. Seemingly subtle differences like can have a huge impact (turn a punk song into a reggae track, for example).
Similarly, pause length and timing can make or break a joke. That's part of why you can tell a joke with the same words yet get completely different reactions. Some comics record and transcribe jokes that work and include every pause and "um" in an attempt to capture the flavor of the original kill.
There's a great scene in Chappelle's Block Party movie where Dave talks about how much musicians and comics have in common. That so much of comedy is timing. You see him playing bongos and "jamming" with The Roots and other musicians and you totally get the similarity between the two worlds. Donnell also said the between (and during) song banter on "Bill Withers' Live at Carnegie Hall" has some of the best interaction between performer and audience he's ever heard.
More similarities between music/standup: Comics have to listen to an audience the way band members have to listen to each other. That's how you know when to pause and when to fill. You also have to be doing one thing while thinking about what you're going to do next. And you have to deal with fuckups and just keep going (tip: the audience almost never notices anyway).
How do they differ? Standup is rawer. In a band performance, it's a lot easier to hide. You've got your bandmates up there with you, you've got volume so you can bully people into listening, you've got an instrument so you've got something physical to do, etc. With standup, you're naked. It's just you and your words. You know right then, on the spot, whether something is working or not. Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide.
Dead Law and Order star Jerry Orbach appears in a NYC subway ad that says "his greatest role was that of an eye donor."
Sorry Jerry. Detective Lennie Briscoe? Mediocre. Dr. Jake Houseman in Dirty Dancing? Meh. Giving away your eyes? Your career-defining performance.
This all brings up some questions though: Is there really a huge eye shortage out there? Am I missing this army of people walking around with eye patches on?
And does this mean there might be some girl walking around NYC who has Jerry Orbach's eyes? The idea of making love to a woman while gazing longingly into Jerry Orbach's eyes is strangely arousing. Come on, I know you feel it too.
Most curious of all: In an interview with the Daily News, his widow said she "cannot remember a day that went by where [Jerry] didn't say, 'I want to donate my eyes.''
Every day!? Damn. I'm gonna go out on a limb here: Jerry Orbach was NOT a fun guy to hang out with: "Hey Jerry, want to go get a burrito?...Aw man, no, I do not want to hear about your eye donation AGAIN!"
Is there any way that talking every day about donating your eyes is acceptable social behavior? Maybe the grandkids dug it. "Hey, Grandpa Jerry, tell us how they're going to rip the eyes out of your body and sew them into someone else's sockets again. That's our favorite bedtime story!"
How many lame segueways did he have to get into talking about his eyes? "This song sounds good. You know what else sounds good? Donating my eyes after I die."..."Jelly donut? Oh, I thought you said shall we donate our eyes after we die? To which my answer is definitely yes."..."Nobody puts baby in a corner? Well, nobody puts my eyes in a casket, nobody."
That's a Dirty Dancing reference. Don't act like you didn't get it, tough guy. Also featured in Dirty Dancing: "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen. Replace with the following lyrics and sing along!
Orbach eyes I've been meaning to tell you I've got this feelin that wont subside I look at you and I fantasize You are mine tonight Now I've got you in my sights
With those Orbach eyes One look at you and you cant disguise You've got Orbach eyes I feel the magic between you and I
I want to hold you so hear me out I want to show you what loves all about Darlin tonight Now I've got you in my sights
With those Orbach eyes One look at you and you cant disguise You've got Orbach eyes I feel the magic between you and I And You've got Orbach eyes Now I've got you in my sights With those Orbach eyes Now did I take you by surprise
I need you to see This love was meant to be
You've got Orbach eyes One look at you and you cant disguise You've got Orbach eyes I feel the magic between you and I You've got Orbach eyes Now I've got you in my sights With those Orbach eyes Oh you took me by surprise With those Orbach eyes
I've been referencing this Conan bit for years and no one ever knows what the fuck I'm talking about. But now, thanks to the magic of YouTube...blah blah. Love the last scene here especially.
Investigate: I can't get enough of serious investigative journalism. That's why I so enjoy "Kickin' it with Byron Allen."
Political: I'm usually not a fan of music with a political message but I think that last Shakira record is great.
Wristbands: Cool hipster guys often wear leather wristbands. You know, 'cuz they're fucking gladiators. No one messes with the vegan alumni of Bard College's Fine Arts program...NO ONE.
Bahamavention: I'm pretty sure a friend of mine needs a Bahamavention. He's addicted to the Bahamas. If he doesn't limbo for more than 12 hours, he starts shaking uncontrollably. And he won't stop braiding his hair either.
Geography: One thing I've noticed from watching "Bad Boys of Comedy" is that a lot of black comics are bad at geography. They often come out and shout to the crowd, "Brooklyn, where you at?" Dude, the show is being taped in Brooklyn! How can you not know where Brooklyn is at when you are in Brooklyn? MapQuest that shit, yo.
Drop: I was just talking with my good buddy Ethan Hawke about how much we hate people who name drop.
Legally blind: Some people are legally blind. Does that mean other people are illegally blind? "Hey, arrest that motherfucker...he is blind without permission!" Luckily for the cops, it'd be easy to chase this particular set of criminals down.
VS: Victoria's Secret should open up a branch in Iran. It could sell the MiracleBirka ("makes you look 30% more virtuous than you actually are.") And the WonderVeil ("your eyes will look twice as forlorn!")
Tofurkey: I consider Tofurkey and Fake'n the tribute bands of the food world. "Rocking with nearly as much flavor as real beef: Not Dogs!"
Reality: Someone should make a reality tv show about a bunch of washed up reality tv show producers forced to live together.
Monkeys: Is a barrel of monkeys really that fun? Not for the monkeys, I bet. And what kind of asshole gets off watching monkeys squirm in a barrel anyway? "Ooh, animals stuffed into a small container! Bring out the mug full of squirrels next!"
Zen: I like to write Zen proverbs for depressed people. "What's the sound of one man napping?" "Every single journey begins with the longest step." "If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, it just goes to show life is meaningless and we're all going to die eventually...sad and alone."
Come see me Sunday at The Parkside Lounge (details below) or Monday at Comedy Village (9pm show).
--
FREE COMEDY SHOW! THE LORELEI RETURNS!
here are the DETAILS: THIS SUNDAY, JUNE 3rd! 8 pm the parkside lounge (houston btwn ave. B&C), FREE! REGGIE WATTS (!!!!) JOHN MULANEY NOAH GARFINKLE MERRITT GURLEY MATT RUBY
reggie watts is a comedy god, so if you haven't seen him yet, PLEASE take this opportunity to come see his magical blend of beat, looped, sexy vocals and robo-fantasy freak-tasion this sunday. john mulaney is hilarious, and you have probably all seen his face on VH1 or on MTV during human giant's recent take-over of the airwaves. noah, matt and merritt are all lovely, sexy human beings and hilarious comedians whose many lovely qualities i cannot ennumerate here, because i am going to be late for work!
please be there! the show is free, the parkside just asks that you buy a couple of drinks to support the sexy cocktail waitress. there is regular alchohol as well as tea and soda!
yay! oh check out my blog @ rubysneakers dot blogspot dot com! thanks! see you on sunday exclamation point!
check everyone out on myspace: http://www.myspace.com/reggiewatts http://www.myspace.com/johnmulaney http://www.myspace.com/merrittgurley http://www.myspace.com/mattruby http://www.myspace.com/noahgarf
Surprise is a mental "slap in the face" that leads people to laugh.
Most assessments of humor's underlying structure gravitate to the notion of controlled incongruity: You're expecting x, and you get y. For the joke to work, it has to be readable on both levels.
People only laugh when there are others around. It's a form of communication. That's why it's so tough to kill in a room with only a few people.
"You're 30 times more likely to laugh when you're with other people than you are when you're alone...In fact, when you're alone, you're more likely to talk out loud to yourself than you are to laugh out loud. Much more...We've vastly overrated our conscious control of laughter."
You can't tickle yourself. You need an "unpredictable touch." Punch lines need to deliver that same sort of unpredictability.
Like the incongruity theory of humor, tickling relies on a certain element of surprise, which is why it's impossible to tickle yourself. Predictable touch doesn't elicit the laughter and squirming of tickling — it's unpredictable touch that does the trick...The laughter of tickle evolved as a way of cementing the bond between parents and children, laying the foundation for a behavior that then carried over into the social lives of adults. While we once laughed at the surprise touch of a parent or sibling, we now laugh at the surprise twist of a punch line.
Venue: Comedy Village Date: 5/21/07 Length: 9 minutes Crowd: 25 people
Brought back some of the religion talk I was doing a few months back (at the end of this video). Trying to stretch it into a longer bit. A lot of my jokes are in/out affairs. If I can string more together on the same topic I think it'd help my flow.
2-3 hour marathon shows sap the life out of the crowd. If you're one of the last comics to go up, it can be pretty depressing. A dozen people in the room who are tired and don't feel like laughing. It's tempting to just phone it in, get conversational, give up on doing any written stuff, etc. I've done it before.
But then you watch an established comic work a room like that and you see something different. Last night, Rick Shapiro and Gary Gulman went up late on one of those shows at Comedy Village. And they still got laughs. Rick's always a tornado on stage, regardless of the size of the crowd. I've seen Louis CK kick ass in a similar, dozen-people-in-the-room situation too.
They do it right because they don't know how else to do it. It's built in. The energy, the commitment to the bit, the pro-ness. There may be some modulation, but there's never any quit.
There's a frame thing going on in those situations too. If you have a strong enough mental frame, you can seduce others into it. People will follow a strong attitude. If you know you're funny and ooze that confidence, other people will buy it too. It's your job to put the wind in the sails.
There's no point in sitting around and waiting for hours to get up on stage just so you can phone it in. Better to view it as a test. Can I turn this completely dead room around? Can I follow a total hack that has people squirming and bring 'em back? The plus side of it all: If something works in a dead room with just a few people, then you know you've got something.
"Stage time in this city is too valuable to waste." -Gary Gulman
Probst admitted that he sometimes did this because he did not want to be a cause of delay for the show's taping. This is another addition to his long list of misadventures during tapings of previous seasons. It can be remembered that he got electrocuted because he urinated in an electric fence. He also got stung by a jellyfish near his genitals and also had a close encounter with a reticulated python.
Note to Jeff Probst: In addition to electric fences, jellyfish, and reticulated pythons, some other good things to keep your penis away from: the Jaws of Life, crocodiles, barbed wire, guillotines, electric eels, oscillating fans, and Ted Haggard.
Sarah Silverman stopped by Greg Johnson's show at Rififi last night. Only caught the last few minutes of her act but she was really funny. She'll be hosting the MTV Movie Awards soon so I'm guessing she wanted to try out some new material. (One movie joke: "They call it '300' because that's how gay it is on a scale of one to ten.")
She claimed to be terrible at crowdwork and then tried some anyway. Asked a girl what her name was and what she did (A: actress) and then responded, "I'm just gonna let Todd Barry [the next comic] take care of you." She talked about gift bags and then said that's what she calls her boyfriend's balls. She also did a bizarre cheese fucking routine. She really likes some cheese and said she just wants to fuck it and then started acting like a dude raping some cheese. Weird. But she's got that wavelength thing where anything she says is funny so it all worked.
The brilliant thing about her is how she uses her appearance and her voice to get away with saying really fucked up shit. Sweet little Jewish girl + filthy jokes + smart = ripe for laughs.
Lightbulb! Maybe there's a market for other racist snack foods. "Ooh, a bag of Onion Spics!" "Halloween = time to stock up on Candy Coon."
I have a pool shaped kidney. (It's an above-ground kidney.) The doctors are worried because it's full of chlorine...and vicodin.
Sometimes when people move they ask you to help and offer you pizza in exchange. This is not an equitable trade. If I am going to carry a couch up four flights of stairs, I need more compensation than cheese and tomatoes.
"Paint my house and I'll give you a cracker." "I don't think so!" "Scrub the floors for a lollipop?"
People who are lactose intolerant piss me off because I hate intolerance in any form. These people are prejudiced against dairy products and I won't stand for it. First they came for the cheese, then they came for the Jews.
Hating intolerance is not a very tolerant thing to do.
Sometimes I feel like New York City needs one gigantic bitchslap. From Fine Drinking in Tribeca:
Downstairs at the mellow and sophisticated B Flat, your bar chef meticulously measures each ingredient, uses three different sizes of ice cubes (the largest of which is filtered, frozen, chopped and chiseled in-house) and only takes your order if you're sitting down (because greatness shouldn't be rushed).
These ice cubes are frozen and chiseled IN-HOUSE!? How fucking incredible. I usually outsource my ice chiseling to a place in Bangalore.
And there's three different sizes of ice cubes?! Precious. I hope they also have urinals that automatically adjust to my exact height. And napkins that come in different shades so I know one will match my seafoam tie. And I hope they stir the drinks with the tusk of a freshly murdered elephant.
Beginning comics pay too much attention to albums and tv specials by famous comics. There's only so much you can learn from an HBO special or a live album because it's got so little to do with the reality of working a room as an unknown comic. Here's what's off about standup specials:
There's no crowdwork. In a lot of ways, it's more theater than standup routine. They're playing to the cameras (or mics), not the people. It's not about calling the room, thinking quickly, or being in the moment. It's about delivering your set.
The sets are long. A killer 30+ minute set is totally different than a 5 minute one. When you've got an hour, there's a lot more space to relax, tell stories, etc. New jack comics need to be able to bring it in a hurry.
The people in the audience are already fans. Making a room of people who already like you laugh is a hell of a lot different (and easier) than making strangers laugh. You don't have to establish a persona and win them over 'cuz they're already there.
The audience has been primed. They're juiced by the setting, the opening acts, the lights, the producer telling them to whoop it up, and all that crap. Heck, the Tonight Show audience even laughs at Jay Leno's monologue so there's obviously some sort of reality distortion field going on.
There's no bombing. The comic is doing a set that he knows works for an audience that he knows will laugh. There's no randomness at play. That's a totally different equation than new comic + new material where you need to poke around and take a chance on failing.
No doubt, soaking in albums/specials by Chappelle, Rock, Martin, etc. is valuable for any comic. But if you stop there, you're studying a fantasy.
To see what I mean, compare one of Mitch Hedberg's bootlegged concerts to one of his albums. In the bootlegs, there's a lot more dialogue with the audience. There's more wandering. There's more spontaneity. Or watch Zach Galifianakis' "Live at the Purple Onion," a live concert that shows less fantasy and more reality. The way he works the audience is what you don't get on HBO.
Watching a great comic work live is a whole different education than watching him in tv-land. You see how they weave, try new material, handle a chatty audience member, etc.
Venue: Mo Pitkin's Date: 5/10/07 Length: 7 minutes Crowd: 35 people
"Flying Carpet" went well despite some on-the-fly shuffling of the lineup. The final bill included: dark host Greg Barris, bearded Texan Aaron Baker, insightful Greg Johnson, Naked Trampoline Hamlet director Andres Dubouchet, deep-voiced Dan Soder, yours truly, and phonebook-reading Kristen Schaal.
Why all the shuffling? Comics started dropping off the bill like flies. (Hmm: Do flies actually drop a lot? Can't they, you know, fly? Anyway...) There was a hot shot meeting in LA, a case of pneumonia. a host stuck in an airport in Texas, and a work-related MIA. Now I see why people who put together shows always seem so stressed out.
Anyway, all's well that end's well. People dug it. Not a big laugh kinda group but they paid attention and played along with diverse lineup. Mo Pitkin's was happy and looks like we'll do it again sometime. Details on that soon.
Here's my set:
Aaron commented to me that my set took a turn for the better once I dropped the one liners and went to more conversational tone/jokes. Dan, on the other hand, has told me before that he thinks the one liners are my "wheelhouse" and mentioned to Aaron he's seen me kill with them. Always interesting to get conflicting advice like that. I think it all depends on the audience. Some crowds love the one-liners while other times they can def fall flat. I like to start off with a bunch of 'em just to set the tone, get a rhythm of punches going, and get a read on a crowd.
This Thursday is the debut of "Flying Carpet" (a show I'm doing with some friends). Come on out.
Flying Carpet An extravaganza of comedy and more Thu 10 May 9:30pm $3
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction Downstairs room 34 Avenue A (between E 2nd and 3rd Streets) http://www.mopitkins.com/
Featuring: Kristen Schaal (http://www.myspace.com/kristenschaal) Andres Dubouchet (http://andresdubouchet.com) Matt Ruby (http://www.sandpapersuit.com) Landon Kirksey (http://www.lovelandon.com) Dan Soder (http://www.myspace.com/scareddan) Joe Alexander (http://www.myspace.com/kingjaffi) & more
Isn't this group of people different than that group of people? 'Cuz this group of people likes those things while that group of people likes these things. But can you imagine what it would be like if that group of people liked those things instead of these things? It would be totally incongruous!
Comic Jim Jeffries gets punched in the face by an audience member. When he returns to the stage, he says, "What many of you don't know is that I employ that bloke for when gigs are going badly."
Joe Rogan goes ballistic on a mouthy audience member. "I'm not your boyfriend, I don't need to listen to your stupid shit."
Jamie Kennedy mocks someone who tells him to use the word "server" instead of "waitress."
Venue: Stand Up NY Date: 4/23/07 Length: 6 minutes Crowd: 11 people
Here's a look at the, ahem, glamorous world of standup. This is what it's like to do a set in front of the remaining 11 people who have sat through 3 hours of comedy on a Monday night. By then, they looked like extras from a scene in "Children of Men."
* Don't sit down for five years. When you sit down you send a message to the audience. You lower the energy. You have to bring something from a much deeper place.
* You have to set a tone of funny in the first 30 seconds. Then you can get darker (or whatever). But those first 30 seconds determine how the audience sees you.
* Persona goes a long way. When people buy your persona, they open up to you. (Persona explained at Wikipedia: "A 'second self' created by the author and through whom the narrative is related...[it] literally means mask.")
* The toughest thing for a beginning comic to learn is how to read the room.
* Write, write, write.
* Don't blame the crowd. It's always your fault. If they don't laugh, it's because you did something wrong.
* Don't listen when other comics say a room is dead. It was dead for them, that's all. A great comic can walk into the sleepiest room and still get 'em going.
Victor Varnado & Village Voice. What do these two entities have in common? If you have answered that Victor Varnado, host of Grandma's Candy Box & one of Grandma's favorite grandsons is on the cover of this week's "Village Voice" then you are correct!
If you have answered "Alliteration," "East Village Legends" or "Bums use them as Blankets," you are also correct! If you got none of these right then you are incorrect. Grandma now loves your cousins more than you and I am removing you from my Will.
On the show this week!: Lee Camp: From Spike TV, E!, Sirius Radio, and his own comedy webcast SharkBaby. What happens when shark babies grow up? If you have to ask, you'll never know. Myka Fox: Recently Co-hosted The Comical Radio and is champion of all things regrettable and worth mention. The Straight Men: Every time I try to find their credits I get gay porn sites. Come see them live! Matt Ruby : Recently performed on same bill as Chris Rock, read about it on his blog "Sandpaper Suit". Jason Kanter: Currently touring all over the country. Jason is bald and he loves it when people rub his head and make a wish! Its his absolute favorite thing! More favorite than milkshakes at the drive-in! Try it, he will be grateful to you! Hannibal Burress: Visiting from Chicago, this comic was recently featured at the Montreal Comedy Festival. Roger Hailes: You'll recognize him from his sketches on the "Chapelle Show" Eliza Faria Santos: Is sleep deprived. She that hopes you find this newsletter amusing but mostly, she hopes that it makes sense.
Hosted by Victor Varnado: My brilliant, belligerent, black albino grandson. He's been on HBO, Conan O'Brien, Starz Network, Comedy Central, and many feature films. Go pick up this week's "Village Voice"! He is naked on the cover!!!
Love & kisses, Grandma
Grandmas Candy Box Thursday 9:30pm - $2! @ Bar None (3rd Ave btw 12th and 13th sts)
The other week I did standup on the subway. Three other comics and I were headed downtown after a show. Omar was drunk, started mouthing off, and soon we were "entertaining" the D train. Alright, most people didn't really give a shit but at least a couple had fun with it.
We each had "one-stop sets." It was all rather ridiculous (and of course no one really laughed) but it actually was a strangely valuable learning experience. In that kind of situation, you better bring some energy and your jokes better not be wordy. Get to the point quick or don't bother. And it certainly makes a normal audience less intimidating. What are they gonna do? Be more apathetic than the crowd on a midnight subway car? Highly doubtful.
When you play on the street you can't approach it as if you are playing on a stage. Busking is an art form of its own...You have to relate to the audience and be a real people's person. You can't hide behind your instrument and just play, with an invisible wall between you and the audience, the way a stage performance is conducted. In busking you use the passers by as if they were paint and your music is the paint brush - your goal is to create a collective work of art with the people, in the space, in the moment with you and the music.
A busker is someone who can turn any place into a stage...As a busker one needs to interact with those around, break walls of personal space, and lure people into a collective and spontaneous group experience on the street, in the moment, with you. A bad busking act is when the performer doesn't make an effort to connect with the audience. Like musicians who play for themselves, not acknowledging the audience, just burying their heads in their instruments.
Venue: Stand Up NY Date: 4/02/07 Length: 6 minutes Crowd: 40 people
One of my best recent sets. Great crowd, totally into it from the beginning. Laughed heartily at "Keep it going for the phrase keep it going." I knew it was on.
Listening back, what's interesting to me here is the extra tags I threw on to jokes. "I'm generous like that...I need a more informative cum swallowing site...Don't test me...'Cuz they're both just so fucking authentic...etc." That's the kind of shit that just pops into your head when you're in flow. Right brain to the rescue.
And that's why writing will only take you so far. Being up there, in that moment, is when some of the best lines come. Or at least ones that are present and immediate and feel like part of a conversation. People respond to that.
That's why taping sets is so helpful too. These lines would be lost otherwise. Having them recorded gives them a chance to live again and maybe get added to those jokes full-time.
Once a person had passed the required background check, state law requires that law enforcement officers issue a concealed carry permit to anyone who applies. However, no regulations and no background checks are required for purchase of weapons at a Virginia gun show.
Wait a minute. The one place in the state where there are no gun regulations or background checks is at a GUN SHOW? Because something should be illegal...unless you get it at a show dedicated to that thing!? "Normally, crack is illegal...but not if you buy it at The Crack Show!"
I had a weird set last night. Room was dead. Other comics made "thrown to the lions" references. It was late in the evening when Rob Cantrell got up and did an awesome set. He can be funny but last night he wasn't. Just deep and truthful and mushroomy. Bill Hicks meets Terence Mckenna style. And just when you feared he'd go off the deep end, he talked about how it must be awesome to be a bird because if you don't like where you're at, you can just fly somewhere else, and then does an impression of a bird. Totally ridiculous and awesome.
He inspired me to break from my set. It turned out rather lame. Well, lame in that it wasn't funny. I just talked. Wanted to see where it would lead me. It was a good exercise but not funny enough. I started out alright but then I got a bit too philosophical about Americans being scared and people telling you not to do stuff because they're just jealous that they can't do it, etc. When I tried to weave in some jokes again, it was too late. They saw me as a serious guy and that's not the path to laughter. The vibe I was bringing was interesting, but it wasn't funny.
Now I wonder what would've happened if I had gone out and just did my intended set. Would've gotten more laughs but is that always better? At that point, in that room, with that crowd, it just seemed like it would be phony to stick to material. Still, I feel bad about delivering a lackluster set. These people paid money to be there after all.
I think there are two solutions: 1) Get better at weaving punch lines into the ranting. Mix the jabs in with the uppercuts. 2) Fuck 'em and bring your A game and make it work. If your frame is stronger — and the material is there — they'll come around.
So I perform every Monday at Stand Up NY. Two out of the past three weeks, Chris Rock has shown up and done a 40+ minute set of new material. No promises he'll be there again but it's always a fun, weird show with some good comics on the bill anyway. Plus, you can get in for free (normally $15 cover) if you say "comp cover for Matt Ruby." Still a two-drink minimum though. But you're a fucking lush anyway so what do you care?
MONDAYS @ STAND-UP NY Monday, April 16 (and every Monday) 236 W 78th St (btwn B'way and Amsterdam) 9pm show
Rock's set last week was great but my favorite moment of the night was before he even showed up. Another comedian got a woman in the audience to admit she's had a finger up her ass. So what? Well, she was sitting in between her teenage daughter *and* her mother-in-law at the time. Scandalous! And that poor girl...it's like they say: A moment on the lips, a lifetime in the therapist's chair.
What's that? You don't want to go all the way uptown to see me perform? Alright, quit your whining. I've got a couple of East Village shows coming up too.
On Thursday, April 26 I'll be doing a set at Grandma's Candy Box, a weekly show at Bar None. It's free and they have cheap drinks. Last time I performed there, the room was full of drunken cops and one of the comics nearly got arrested. Good times! Details:
GRANDMA'S CANDY BOX @ BAR NONE Thursday, April 26 98 3rd Ave (btwn 12th & 13th St) 9:30pm
And here's some "save the date" shit: On Thursday, May 10, some friends and I are putting on "Flying Carpet," a comedy extravaganza at Mo Pitkin's. On the bill: Kristen Schaal, Andres Dubouchet, Joe Alexander, Brian Koppelman, Dan Soder, Landon Kirksey, and more. All for only $3. It'll be a grand time.
FLYING CARPET @ MO PITKIN'S 34 Ave A (btwn 2nd and 3rd St) Thursday, May 10 9PM
Here's how that works: He walks in. Everyone starts whispering. Comic onstage finishes his set and Chris goes up (other comics get bumped or have to wait and are fine with that because they get to watch a master work shit out). The audience members whisper and seem slightly aghast. All the other comics and waitstaff fill the room at the sides and the back. There's about 50 people in the room.
He puts a yellow legal pad on a stool and starts flipping pages looking for jokes. He doesn't address the crowd or do crowdwork. All he cares about is shaping the jokes on the pad. Most jokes seem already written out. But then you can see where he starts trying to extend. He gets this little glint in his eye and dances around different act-outs.
When he finishes his bits, he leans back against the wall and returns to the pad. He flips through, finds one of his topics, and says out loud, "Hmm...weddings...kinda hack. It's tough to unhack that." The comics in the room love the reference. But he doesn't really play to the industry people at the sides. He's more focused on the middle of the room, the random audience members and their reactions.
He covers a lot of the same topics as last time (like how cruel kids are, how he hates rich kids but now he has his own, how women can never go back financially and men can never go back sexually, etc.). But doesn't do them the same. There are new twists and turns.
Overall, it's not as funny as one of his HBO sets. He's not as committed. The peaks don't go as high and the rhythm isn't there in the same way. In "Bring the Pain" and those other specials, he grabs it by the throat and doesn't let go. These workout sets hit those highs occasionally but include a lot of lulls too. It's a lot more catch and release. Some of the older audience members sit with arms folded and seem unimpressed.
Still there are some great fucking moments. He says love doesn't exist (it's just a combination of like plus need). He talks about how every woman thinks her pussy can change a man. He talks a lot about women and relationships actually (most brilliant bit of the night revolved around "In every relationship, there's a Hall and there's an Oates."). He talks about how he's just good enough in bed. About why you should drop out of school in 2nd grade instead of 10th grade (you'll be qualified for the job you'll get either way). And lot's more. Tough to get it across here but he's got some amazing, ballsy material cooking.
I'm not sure there's any better comedy class than watching someone that good work on material at that stage. More than anything, you see how much hard work it is. He's grinding out this material. He mentioned how men in his family have been lifting shit for 400 years. He's lifting too.
So what's it like to follow a legend? I went up a few comics later and the crowd seemed exhausted by then. You just gotta roll with it, acknowledge what we all just experienced, and use that as inspiration. Crowd was actually pretty loose considering the length of the show (and prob drunk too) so we still had fun.
Online comments bring out the crazies. A few examples...
At the message board of Bill Maher's site, there's an amusing debate over whether the Jews "control the entertainment industry and the media." Someone named Gorillamom posted this bizarre comment there with random name dropping, gratuituous typos, non sequiturs, etc.
My friend and master screen writer Stewart Stern, is from the Hollywood Jewish community. His family co-founded Paramount Pictures. He wrote the screen play's "Rebel Without a Cause, Cybli (with Sally Field) The Ugly American, The Outsideres, and few others. I loved having lunch with him every Sunday in the gorilla unit. He's a good cook. He prepared the gorillas diets at the zoo every Sunday.
I really wasn't expecting the transition from "he wrote the screenplay for Rebel Without a Cause" to "I loved having lunch with him every Sunday in the gorilla unit." I guess when your name is Gorillamom, it always comes back to the gorillas.
From : Jeffrey S xxxxxx@gmail.com "I somehow stumbled on your stupid web site. It's dumb and I'm going to tell my friends how dumb it is."
Jeffrey sounds like a good friend! I wish I had a friend like him around to point out dumb things that I'm unaware even exist. My lame friends only tell me about things that are smart or interesting. Sucks.
From: Daniel K xxxxxx@comcast.net "Fox News doesn't lie. They are the only ones that stand for family values and supporting war"
Thank goodness there's still someone around that stands for both family values AND war. The two go together like chocolate and peanut butter. It's about time we get this country's priorities back in order.
From: Matt S xxxxxx@hotmail.com "your evil. You are gay and you probably would like everyone to be gay to get your ass pounded fag."
Joe's black. I'm jewish. We had this conversation the other night.
Joe: I've tried matzah and I don't like it. Couldn't you guys figure out how to make bread? Me: Matzah sucks 'cuz we made it while being chased through the desert for 40 years by a bunch of Egyptians. I'd think you'd be able to empathize. I bet the bread wasn't so great on your slave ships either. Joe: [Laughs] Me: When the man comes for you, sometimes you forget to grab the yeast. If the Klan surrounded your house, you might take off before packing up the Crisco.
Which reminds me, I've been thinking about Mel Gibson's "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Yeah, 'cuz, you know, as a people, wars have worked out pretty well for us Jews. After World War II, we looked around at each other and said, "Oh yeah, gimme some more of that!"
Also amusing to me: the stereotype that Jews love money. You know, unlike all other ethnic groups. Other ethnic groups just hate money. They give away cash left and right.
Actually, the reason Jews got good with money is because Christians refused to do banking or financial jobs in the Middle Ages. The church said it was filthy so Jews had to take over all the money-related careers. Meanwhile, Christians decided to stick with cobbling and smithing or whatever the hell else people did back then. Not the best move in retrospect. (Hey, Jews have fucked up plenty too...outlawing bacon for starters.)
How can you hate a group of people for doing a job that you forced them to do because you considered it beneath you? It'd be like hating Mexicans for being busboys. But I've never heard someone say, "Damn Mexicans, they love dirty dishes!"
Anyway, Jews don't love money. We love bargains. We've been conditioned to by Jewish holidays, which always seem to be based on a crazy good bargain. For Passover, the little bit of matzah each Israelite took out of Egypt miraculously lasted 31 days. For Hannukah, a one day supply of oil lasted eight days. It's no wonder we get excited when there's a 30% off sale at Saks.
While waiting to go onstage, vet comic Todd Lynn likes to offer words of wisdom to new jack comics. From last night:
There's a difference between writing good jokes and being funny. When you're funny, people laugh no matter what you say. Funny is about timing, delivery, attitude, and confidence. Writing good jokes is about being smart. The trick is bringing the two together.
Don't slouch onstage. Look like you care about your jokes. The audience will reflect your energy.
The long buildup stretches out the tension. This joke could be told in 10 seconds but it's the stretch that gives it tension and gives away the persona of the narrator. Interesting: The punchline is actually silence. The pause is when you realize the true message being conveyed is the complete opposite of the words being said. That incongruity is the laugh spark. Then you've got the smarmy tag "Oh, not have way I guess." Brilliant act-out that gives a final punch to it and shows the level of bullshit being dispensed.
Which jokes you laugh at can sometimes reveal a bit too much. A couple of weeks ago I saw Jim Norton do a joke about how awkward it is to go with your girlfriend to get your AIDS test results because then you can't really celebrate that much. Some guy in the back starts stomping his feet and going "Aw, yeah. For real!" Later on, Jim started joking about how once a guy starts having sex, he can't stop. The guy in the back shouted out his approval again: "That's the truth!" Best of all, this guy in the back was on a date! She must've been so thrilled to be out on a date with a STD-having rapist who can't keep his mouth shut at comedy shows.
I got bumped from my set at Stand Up NY last night...but for a damn good reason: Chris Rock showed up to do a 45-minute set. He's getting material ready for a tour in the fall (and I heard him mention on TV recently that he's doing a New Year's Eve show at Madison Square Garden too). There were only about 30 or so people there so it was a loose vibe. He did all new material and glanced at his notes on a yellow legal pad pretty frequently.
He came out and mocked some guy who was trying to film the set and then pretended to stop by putting the camera on the table. Chris said, "I've made fucking movies! You don't think I know when I'm being filmed!?"
Some of the bullet points for the night: * He hates rich kids so now he kinda hates his own kids * Kids are cruel ("You don't need to be taught to hate, you need to be taught to love.") * Walmart is the AIDS of retailers * Hip hop is weak nowadays * Hot chicks are always in debt because they think someday a man will come and "clean up the mess" * Women "can never go back" financially, men can never go back sexually
Of course, it was all about the delivery. He didn't get that preacher vibe going very often but it came out in spots. There were 5-10 lines during the night that were just ridiculously good. Like lightning bolts. My sense is that he starts with these bolts and then writes around them.
Like "Walmart is the AIDS of retailers." He talked about how Walmart kills off all other stores and how Walmarts are so big they're like a town (security guard tells him: "You were by frozen foods? You really shouldn't be near there after 11pm.") Then he'd glance over at his legal pad and say, "No unions." Then just start ranting about no unions or health care for the employees there.
It was tough to tell how much was prepared and how much was just ranting on the spot. He even commented on some of the bits halfway through. "This needs to be fleshed out more if it's gonna make it. It's just you don't want to hack it up with the whole 'Walmart's a town' thing...etc."
He did hardly any crowdwork. Why bother? It's not like he's gonna be able to use that on HBO. He wasn't there to play, he was there to get material together.
Crowd was pretty much in awe. Random tourists from Amsterdam and North Carolina got way more than they bargained for. And then there was the bunch of comics in the back just soaking it up. A few more showed up as word got out via text messages.
Chris didn't stick around afterwards. He got off stage and then headed out (and I heard later he went and did another set at The Cellar).
Venue: Bowery Poetry Club Date: 3/12/07 Length: 6 minutes Crowd: 60 people
Sometimes girls get catty and say "I guess she's pretty...if you like that kind of obvious beauty." Well, call me crazy but when it comes to beauty I kinda like the obvious kind. You know what subtle beauty is? Ugly. I don't want beauty that makes me think.
People think jokes are funny or they're not. The truth is it's all relative.
Every comedian knows that a joke that kills in one room can die in another. It's rare to laugh out loud at a comedy record when you're listening at home even though the people in the room are guffawing. And the opposite is true too: A comic who's only so-so on TV or on a CD can be a riot live.
It all depends on the setting. Are there other people around? Does the room have energy? Are people warmed up? Is it a lively group? Etc. One interesting thing I've noted is listening/watching a comic at home with even just one or two other people leads to a lot more laughter than if you're alone.
What's So Funny? Well, Maybe Nothing (NY Times) is a scientific look at why people laugh. Turns out "funny" has less to do with laughter than a lot of people think. And the results are definitely interesting from a standup perspective.
According to the article, people use laughter as a punctuation mark. It's an exclamation point, a gasp, an a-ha, a recognition, a conversational lubricant like nodding or saying, "uh huh."
He found that most speakers, particularly women, did more laughing than their listeners, using the laughs as punctuation for their sentences. It's a largely involuntary process. People can consciously suppress laughs, but few can make themselves laugh convincingly.
I think that last part is interesting too: You can't fake laughter convincingly. That's part of the whole rawness of comedy. An audience can pretend to like a band or a painting, but it's pretty obvious when people are fake laughing. You're either on the bus or off the bus.
Also, we laugh as a way to connect.
The brain has ancient wiring to produce laughter so that young animals learn to play with one another. The laughter stimulates euphoria circuits in the brain and also reassures the other animals that they're playing, not fighting.
Playing, not fighting. That's why comics can get away with saying some of the meanest and/or most truthful things, because they do it in a playful way. They can deliver straight, painful medicine because the pill is coated with sugar. It's amazing what you can get away with saying as long as people are laughing.
There are also a lot of control/hierarchy issues in play.
[Laughter is] a subtle social lubricant. It's a way to make friends and also make clear who belongs where in the status hierarchy...[From an experiment:] When the woman watching was the boss, she didn't laugh much at the muffin joke. But when she was the underling or a co-worker, she laughed much more, even though the joke-teller wasn't in the room to see her. When you're low in the status hierarchy, you need all the allies you can find, so apparently you're primed to chuckle at anything even if it doesn't do you any immediate good.
So people laugh at others who they perceive to have higher status. That's why control is such a big part of standup. If you lose control of the room, forget about it. If they don't respect you, they'll never laugh.
But what about Rodney Dangerfield, king of "no respect"? That's bullshit schtick. Listen to an album of his and you can see he's got the whole room in the palm of his hand. Total master at controlling the room. No respect, my ass.
Actually, that's a common comic ploy, insult yourself as a way to ingratiate yourself with the audience. Then once they've "let you in," ya take 'em over.
Open and close strong, wander in the middle. Work in 20% new material. The less you're gonna get laughs, the more real you should be. No sense being performy in a dead room. "I can't believe he just said that." might be worth more than laughter. Befriend other comics at your own level. Those above you won't give you the time of day. Those below you suck. Get a show so you can trade stage time with other comics. Stage time is currency. Work work work. Will other comics watching you say that a joke is hack? Then cut it. Everything is a muscle: The more you use it, the stronger it gets. Talk about what scares you, what you hate, what's dumb, what you're ashamed of. Get comfortable. Control the room. Never apologize. Cut it in half, then take another 10% out. Sometimes it's them, not you. Use jokes that you know kill as your barometer. The meaner you are, the more playful you should seem. Tickle, don't poke.
Venue: Caroline's Date: 3/3/07 Length: 6 minutes Crowd: 80 people
I was asked to perform at Caroline's for a comedy school graduation show. Crowd was d-e-a-d (situation not helped by the fact that it was 2pm, crowd seemed mostly suburban types, and I was the first comic to go on). Went with more of my one-liner bits but only got mild laughs. A lot of jokes that normally kill got barely any response. I blame it on the crowd. Bastards!
(Actually, I just saw Chris Rock on Bravo and he was talking about how a good comic *never* blames the crowd. Fair 'nuff.)
If it was a normal show, I prob would've broken it down after a minute or two and turned more conversational. But given the situation, I figured it was best to just plow on through.
Rick Shapiro: Crazy rant performance art style. Dirty as shit. Half the crowd walked out during his set. He wasn't suprised. The man has seen some dark things methinks. The good part: rambling shamanic style to his delivery. Not holding back on anything. Bukowskiesque.
Zach Galifianakis: Hour set in front of big crowd at Irving Plaza. Just absolutely killed it. He's so on top of his shit right now. Felt like the comedy equivalent of seeing Radiohead right after OK Computer came out. Mixes the one-liner piano jokes with more conventional style and incorporates some crowdwork walking through the aisles and then closes with a big musical number.
The one liner quick hit style is all about rhythm. It's like a boxer who relies on his jab. You just keep peppering and peppering and wearing down the audience. And the whole thing builds a rhythm. The audience starts to get the "beat" and knows when the punch lines are going to come. And once you've got 'em, you've got 'em. It builds like a wave. At that point, even when a joke's only mediocre, it still gets laughs. This paragraph has way too many analogies. I'm gonna stop now.
Louis CK: Showed up again at Stand Up NY to work on material. Did exactly the same set as the previous week, just fine tuning it. Experimenting with just changing a word here or a phrase there and getting the timing just right. There was 15 people there, dead room, and he still got 'em. Guy just seems like such a pro when he's up there. My fave bit from the set is where compares girls and women (e.g. "there's no 'women gone wild' 'cuz when women go wild, they kill their husband and drown their kids in a tub.")
Headed out soon after that with Dan and Joe (other comics at the club) and wound up waiting on the subway platform with Louis. We said hey and nice set and then left him alone. On the train there was some crazy guy singing out loud along with his iPod. We were joking and shooting the shit and then Louis came over to chat. We asked him about his new material and he said he's working on putting together another hour's worth of material. He was headed to the Cellar, presumably to do the same set again. He doesn't know where/when it'll wind up. We talked a bit about his last HBO special and then it was time to get off the train.
It was striking to me because so many comics seem so obsessed with hierarchy BS that they won't even talk to comics who they think are "beneath" them. Or they'll just crack on them. Yet Louis, who's got HBO specials, didn't give a shit. He just came over and said hey and was a regular guy willing to talk, even though we're just three comics starting out. Puts getting blown off by some hack in perspective.
Venue: Bar None Date: 2/22/07 Length: 8 minutes Crowd: 25 people
Q: What's kryptonite to a comic? A: A room full of drunken cops!
The place was crawling with 'em. Really drunk ones too. Show started with one of 'em, black dude, grabbing the mic and riffing and joking around and generally being unwilling to give up the mic. He was actually kind of funny. His cop buddies were loving it and egging him on. Problem: The show was supposed to begin and he wouldn't get off the mic. Finally, one of his pals gets him offstage and they all start taunting the comics and yelling shit like "You better be funny, NYU boy."
Victor was hosting and had the rough job of trying to grab the reins. Half the room hipsters and comics. The other half drunken cops talking to each other, yelling at the stage, and acting rowdy. The energy was actually pretty intense and, if judo'd properly, it might've segued well. But Victor took the bite and started getting antagonistic back at them. Shit nearly got out of hand at one point when one of them bumrushed the stage but then got held back by his buddies. I talked with Victor later and he said he's gotten rushed a couple of times while onstage but friends *always* hold the cockmouth back.
Anyway, Mike O'Rourke was the first comic and entered the lion's cage. He's fucking funny. Took it to 'em. The cops kept pretending they weren't cops, claiming at various points to be FDNY, Sanitation, dodgeball teachers, etc. But when Mike joked about having warrants one of them got all up in his face and he had to explain, "I'm fucking joking!" Mike's got a great style, acting kinda street/thuglike but being really intelligent with the shit he says. I dig.
By the time he got off, the room had been somewhat corralled. Actually, I might've helped a bit by yelling at one particularly loud table to shut up so we could pay attention to Mike. See, it's one thing if people are yelling at the comic and interacting. But if they're just talking loudly to each other and facing away from the stage, it distracts from the whole room. It's like a leak in a bucket. Energy keeps getting sucked out.
Still, the vibe of the room was really tense and bizarre. Cops and comics operate in a similar way, they always need to be in control. And that's where the clash happened. Neither side wanted to give an inch.
So another comic comes up. Kinda quiet white dude doing smart jokes. He's not bad but too timid to handle this crowd. Then, apparently another comic who was booked on the show decided he didn't want to go on. So the gals who do the show ask me if I want to go up. I was just at the show to get some cheap drinks, didn't expect to perform. But I think my yelling at the cops showed I was game for whatever and could maybe handle the situation.
So I went up. Started just chatty without really telling jokes. Tried to build some familiarity. Then I went into my bit on slutty girls. Right move. At least got the train rolling. I had one table talking back, with a really drunk cop on the verge of passing out and some chick who I assume was also a cop. Then I went into white collar comedy tour. Didn't really fly well. I was sloppy and slow 'cuz I was drunk and thrown off by the room a bit. Tough to concentrate when there's a dude about to pass out right in front of you. Everyone else in the room sensed it too. So I started chatting with him. But he couldn't even form a sentence. It was like trying to run a race against someone moving in slow motion. Whole thing descended from there. I just went off from any material and tried to comment on the room. Made fun of that girl's clothes (Filene's Basement in '97), the bar (the bucket collecting piss under the urinal pretty much summed it up), and the fact that the drunk dude tried to compliment his galpal by saying, "She's been around a long time." Just what every girl wants to hear, right?
It wasn't a very funny set. I wasn't prepared, I was pretty drunk, and I barely got any jokes out. But it was compelling to watch. And in that situation, if you can tread water, you've done pretty well. Another buckeye earned (or whatever those things on Ohio State's helmets are).
Venue: Stand Up NY Date: 2/18/07 Length: 9 minutes Crowd: 20 people
Watching Mike DeStefano work was a real pleasure. Room was split, half black/white, and he played it beautifully, tailoring his act to the black folks and making fun of the white people. Lesson: Win over the people most likely to not like you, and the rest of the room will follow.
I had a good set too. I "headlined." But really, after 2.5 hours of comedy (some really bad), it's the bitch spot. It's like calling the guy who goes last at a gangbang the headliner. But I had good combo of riffing on the room and working in material.
Since the room was mixed, I decided to bring up race stuff too. White people are usually so sensitive about race that if you just talk about it in an honest way it comes across in a really refreshing way. Some of what I said:
I'll talk about black and white people. Who gives a shit? I'm not gonna say anything bad...'cuz I'm not fucking racist. I smoke too much weed to be racist. I don't have the energy for it. Racism does seem like a nice distraction from being broke and dumb though, like a vacation from your mind: (sarcastic) "I'm not thinking at all about my trailer cuz I hate black people." It's weird that black guys are always wearing hooded sweatshirts. Because you'd think if there was one group of people that would be opposed to outfits with hoods...Maybe we'll start seeing Jewish people growing little Hitler moustaches.
Joe Rogan leads a bunch of comics in a posse-style attack on joke stealing Carlos Mencia...
The whole pack attack vibe in the video is a bit creepy but I respect the way comics have a code about stealing. If you're caught ripping material, you're pegged for life as persona non grata. Almost like a mafia thing. Rogan talks more about it here.
(Side note on the video: Note the power of the microphone. As soon as someone hands Rogan his own mic, the entire tone changes. Volume is a hell of a weapon.)
Other comics known for ripping off material: Denis Leary stole Bill Hicks material (Rogan talks about this), Robin Williams stole everyone's material (and is supposedly now banned from a lot of NYC clubs). Dane Cook's been accused of stealing from Louis CK and Rogan too. This Radar article has more on joke stealing.
On the flip side, there's gotta be some wiggle room for two people coming up with a joke independently. A lot of creative minds think alike. The "Who's gonna build the wall to keep the Mexicans out?" bit isn't exactly the most original joke I've ever heard.
Also, there's an argument to be made for subconscious leakage here. I can totally see how someone who listens to comedy nonstop and is in the clubs all the time might pick up ideas for material without realizing it. But still, if it's a pattern of behavior, that ain't right.
I've already buried a couple jokes that I came up with on my own. The inconvenience store bit. And I recently had to toss this bit too:
I like when guys come up with these sex acts that humiliate women and then give them strange nicknames. I make up new ones. "That chick I was with last night...I gave her a Detroit Suitcase." That's when you're eating a girl out, you vomit on her, and then you throw her out the window. It's really fucking hot. Or there's the Velvet Porcupine. That's when you she's giving you head and you cover her with honey and then you release a swarm of bees in the room.
Another comic told me Patrice O'Neal does a big chunk on the same topic (I've never seen him). I guess I could go ahead and try it anyway since I did come up with it on my own, but it ain't worth it. As someone starting out, I really don't want to get tagged as a thief.
Besides, it's good inspiration to come up with material that's more personal and authentic to myself. The more you get to a specific, personal truth, the less likely it is that someone else will have covered the same ground.
One cool thing about NYC is you can show up to do a slot at normal Monday night "new talent" show and have three guys who've been on HBO there testing out material. Gary Gulman, Jim Norton, and Louis CK were all in the house at Stand Up NY last night and killed it. These guys can sell out big clubs but I think it's even more fun to watch them work a tiny crowd where many/most of the people there don't even know who they are.
Gary MC'd the night. It's interesting how he plays up his "cocky bastard" attitude onstage with his I'm so funny and so good looking schtick. Kinda the opposite of what most comedians do (i.e. obsess over their flaws). He mixes it in with some self-deprecating material and an aw-shucks persona so it works.
The funniest part of Jim Norton's set was the guy who was Amen-ing a lot of Jim's sickest (and presumably somewhat sarcastic) jokes. Jim: "It's awkward going with your girlfriend to get your AIDS test results because you can't really celebrate that much." Guy in back: "Aw, yeah. That's the truth!" Jim: "A guy can't stop fucking a girl once he starts..." Guy in back: "No, he can't! Oh damn, no way!" Best of all, this guy was on a date! WTF? I can only imagine what that poor girl was thinking at her loudmouth, STD-prone, rapist of a date.
Louis CK was the best of the bunch though. He was introduced by the MC and a bunch of people got up to go the bathroom which was amusing in its own way. Louis was just so smooth though. Chuckled about it and moved on. I usually can't stand comics doing jokes about their kids/marriage/etc. but his biting honesty on the subjects is a whole different can of worms. He did great bits about fighting with his wife, how having kids makes you understand how someone could put their kid in a garbage can, the differences between women and girls, etc.
Aside: I went to piss at one point in the night and some dude was in the can taking a dump while talking on one of those walkie talkie cell phones. First off, what the hell is the point of those phones? And why on earth would you use one while taking a shit in a public bathroom?! Then he hung up (or "10-4'd" or whatever). But apparently silence was not an option for this guy. After a few moments, he sighed, "Whoo!" Out loud. I guess so I could empathize with his efforts? Because no one actually has to exclaim out loud while shitting, right??? Hmm, maybe there's just something wrong with me.
Venue: East Village Lounge (open mic) Date: 2/8/07 Length: 7 minutes Crowd: 25 people
Nice feeling last night: I flipped a room from red to black. Open mic at East Village Lounge. My first time there. The room was DONE. Two comics before me had both ventured into creepy territory. Comic yelling at MC, borderline racist/crazy stuff even. (Btw, it's a pretty good sign you're a shitty comic if, after your set, you feel the need to tell someone, "It's ok, I'm biracial.") There were eight people left upfront, the rest were in the back by the bar drinking. I was, um, "cooked" and in my don't give a shit mode. It worked.
First thing I did was call out the bizarro comics before me. "I didn't realize this was a crazy crazy open mic. All open mics are crazy. But this is one of those crazy crazy ones."
Still some loud talking in the back. I decided to get louder. "Is there a fight going on? It's comedy, let's love each other. Or laugh. Or at least stop talking." A little bitchslap to quiet 'em down. They started to pay attention.
Then I commented how open mic comics always start out with ridic premises that no one agrees with..."Remember when you first joined the priesthood?" Er, not really. "Don't you hate it when girls have sex before marriage?" Um, actually I think that's pretty cool.
And then I mentioned the funniest things I had heard so far in the night were actually reactions from the crowd. A guy onstage who was bombing said, "What, do you want me to do a trick?" And some guy in the back said, "Get circumcised." I said, "Now that's funny."
And then there was the un-punch line. Some guy onstage goes, "So when I was in college..." And a guy in the back starts laughing. But that wasn't the joke. The comic was going somewhere with it. But apparently this dude in the back found the concept that this guy had gone to college hilarious on its own.
By this point, the crowd seemed with me. Or at least relieved. I called the couple who was sitting right in front brave and said something about them being willing to sit right next to a dragon.
But then I had an interesting blank out moment where I almost lost 'em. I was doing a joke about how white people always call Barack Obama "articulate" and I sarcastically mimicked a white person saying something like, "He speaks so well for a negro!" It wasn't racist at all (making fun of racists actually) but I think subconciously my mind tripped on the fact that I just said the word "negro" in public. Like I had done something naughty. And then I just blanked out. Couldn't remember where I was supposed to go next with it. Black dude in the front row had to remind we where I was and then I hopped back on. But it was an interesting little trap door I fell into.
I then went into some of my prepared stuff, things I'm working on getting the delivery just right. Went well. I even got the back of the room paying attention and the bartenders laughing (they liked the "whores for oil" bit I've been working on).
Maybe there's some other word besides "flipped" I'm supposed to use for what happened, but that's the first time I've taken a room that negative into the positive. And I did it by being in the moment and just describing what was happening in the room. Plus, I was amusing myself. When you think something's funny and you're almost laughing while you talk about it, people are a lot more likely to give up laughs too.
Afterwards, the MC got back up and thanked me for bringing the attention back to the stage. I got handshakes and good jobs from the other comics. And on my way out, the bartender stopped me, asked me my name, and told me to come back next week. It was just a stupid open mic but I'm more proud of that set than any other I've done to date.
Some rough drafts for jokes I had with Daniela's comments on 'em in italics.
Slutty girls pretend they're inexperienced. They always tell the same lie: "I never do this sort of thing." Meanwhile she's pulling out the nipple clamps, handcuffs, and the Jaws of Life. Er, something's suspicious here.
(the setup should be: slutty girls pretend they are inexperienced. That's good. "I never do this sort of thing" Is good but the examples aren't yet funny- ie rick had the same setup and would say I never this sort of thing and stick the whole mic in his mouth or I have the same setup I say I never do this sort of thing and I had and last week I was tested. You need a punch after the I never do this sort of thing... I really like you just saying I don't need to feel special I need the job done right-
Slutty girls are good for society. They keep pussy in circulation. Without them, there would be a pussy drought. And a pussy drought is bad news for *everyone*...just look at the Middle East. If there were more slutty girls there, guys wouldn't be blowing themselves up to get to those 72 virgins in heaven.
Cut it down! Say: Easy women are the best. A pussy drought would be bad for everyone. The middle east stuff has been done with the 72 virgins- think of a new punch. You could say look at the middle east its terrible. We shouldn't be at war we should exchange oil for our whores 10 barrels for every girl on elimidate. Or something else that is a real problem about slutty girls not being around.
The internet has made male fantasies so specific. Guys used to say, "I like Asian chicks." Now a guy likes barely legal Asian midget cheerleader gangbangs. Meanwhile, his buddy only gets off on *amateur* barely legal Asian midget cheerleader gangbangs. 'Cuz the pro Asian midget cheerleaders just aren't believable. Weddings are like porn for women. Girls don't care about Playgirl, they get off on Modern Bride. It's not "Look at that wang!"...It's "Look at that Vera Wang!"
There are a few different subjects going on in this joke only every have one subject before there is a punchline. The setup is-Say: The internet is making things complicated guys used to say I like asian chicks now they say I like barely legal midget cheerleaders who only do gangbangs. The following stuff about the other guy who likes weird porn too is complicated. You need a punch like "I cant keep up I just like asian chicks" The wedding stuff is a separate joke: Women don't seem to like porn- they don't seem to get off on playgirl the masturbate to modern bride. Look it's a vera wang- im cumming.
Weddings make girls crazy. What other explanation is there for how much wedding crap costs? $2,000 for a fucking *cake*!? I wouldn't pay $2k for a cake if it had one layer of crack, one layer of ecstasy, and frosting made out of Angelina Jolie's pussy juice.
Weddings are stupid. 2000 for a cake I wouldn't pay 2000 for a cake unless the frosting was made out of Angelina jolies pussy juice.
Women have this whole thing with showing off the size of their engagement rings. The subliminal message: It shows what a good provider their mate is. "You got engaged? Let me see the ring!" Men can't do this though. You'll never hear a guy say, "Dude, you got engaged!? Let me see a picture of her tits!"
Women show off their engagement rings. Yuck! Just once I wanna hear a guy say to another guy you got engaged show me the picture of her tits.
Dr. Phil's lost it. He's always spouting those weird Texas phrases but I think he's just making them up. Like: "When you're an armadillo, sometimes it's hard to see the rodeo through the trees." "There's no sense blowing on a tumbleweed if you got a pair of pliers in yer saddle." What the fuck are you talking about Dr. Phil?
The only way to handle this is to say- I feel boring I just wanna go around talking like Dr phil especially on dates with airhead girls. Girl "so these shoes are prada" you "when youre and armadillo it's hard to see the rodeo through the trees" Girl "no I said prada" "Theres no sense blowing on a tumbleweed if you got a pair of pliers" girl "what?" you " I meant blow me."
Dr. Phil also has a weight loss book out. How can a fat man write a book about weight loss? I'm going to put it on my bookshelf right next to "Flava Flav's Guide to Finding Your Soul Mate."
Venue: Stand Up NY Date: 2/06/07 Length: 8 minutes (excerpt below) Crowd: 15 people
Uphill battle. Night after Super Bowl. 11 degrees outside. I went on second to last after 2+ hours of so so comics. All considered, it went alright.
I've been working on some new jokes with Daniela and tried some of 'em out. The lines she helped me with got laughs. But when I strayed, the jokes fell flat (too many words, not confident on delivery, etc.). Each word matters so much.
Top priority: I need to tighten stuff up...get a rhythm going. The edited clip on this post shows how my set should sound. Instead I dilly dally too much between punch lines. And whenever i tell a joke for the first time, I talk too much. Hunting and pecking. Too much setup/explaining. I need to just get in and get out.
A pic of my cameo in Rounders. I told them to make me look like a seventies porn producer.
Matt: just finished Rounders DVD. great stuff. esp knowing you and picking up on the bits of your life, like law school, michael mcdermott, etc. what an amazing cast too.
i'm sure you've already discussed ad nauseum but...
a few bits in commentary track made me think of comedy: the talk about how audiences enjoy the movie more because they don't understand a lot of the card terminology/references. in my mind, audiences like when a connection is over their head because it shows that you're not insulting them...you're giving them the benefit of the doubt. similar to dennis miller's rattling off arcane references. you'll never get all of 'em but that makes you like the ones you do get that much more.
and then the part where ed norton talks about the thrill of losing to better players. something about how it's "embarrassing yet intoxicating" at the same time. sounds a lot like what it feels like to bomb onstage.
and the suspense vs. surprise discussion was interesting too. sometimes i think comedy is like writing a horror movie or a movie with a surprise twist. it's all about giving enough clues to have it make sense but not enough clues to ruin the suprise. always tough to guage that when you already "know how it ends."
and glad u guys admitted the scene where he rejects foxy famke is ridic. ; )
Brian: ...glad you liked rounders. it's strange how much writing that script changed my life. I remember the beginning days of doing that, of committing to it, of showing up every morning with David to write in this little storage closet with a slop sink, a half a desk and one chair. We saved the draft to floppy disk each day, and each night I would read back what we wrote, amazed that the pages were actually filling up with stuff.
I love thinking about beginnings. David had written screenplays before, but the whole thing was so new to me, and was something I had wanted to do so much and for so long. These beginning days of stand up are similar, somehow, in that I don't know what I am doing, but I love doing it, I have moments of real connection, moments where I feel lost, moments when I am a rank amateur, moments when I know I look and sound like a professional up there. You know what I mean?
Thanks for this picture, by the way.
Matt: On beginnings...They come with some very cool stuff: Learning, surprises, a time when work feels more like play, anxiety (the good kind), the satisfaction you get from overcoming fear, etc. Beginnings give a rush.
