At least meat eaters actually like meat. You don't see this at a steakhouse: "Tonight's special is Crock-oli. That's where we take bacon, compress it into the shape of a broccoli stalk, and paint it green...because THAT'S what we secretly want to eat."
Bacon doesn't need a disguise. It doesn't need to get dressed up in a costume for Halloween. Bacon just shows up and goes, "Knock, knock, I'm Bacon, trick or treat!" And it's always treat. Because it's bacon. And bacon is always treat.
And vegetarians say, "Eating steak is so cruel to cows!" I get it. But us liking steak has been pretty good for cows as a species. We take care of them. And that's good because cows suck in the wild. You won't hear lions going, "How are we gonna catch that wild cow?" "Oh, you mean that animal that you can walk up to while it's sleeping and tip over? I've got an idea. Let's wait until he's sleeping..." Cows should thank us meateaters every night before they go to sleep — standing up. Without us, they wouldn't even be on the planet anymore.
We do eat way too much in this country, though. We're so fucked up that people actually staple their stomachs shut. “C’mon, it’s a sandwich made out of waffles. You think I'm not gonna eat that? What am I, a superhero?" The best is when they need the surgery because they have a "disease." Yeah, the disease is called America. They don’t need stomach stapling in Cambodia. In Cambodia, people are stapling their mouths OPEN — hoping that maybe a bug might fly in there. They call it “The Reverse Roker.”
(An example of glomming onto a joke, Samurai sword-style. The original bit from a while back: "The problem with vegetarians.")
Permalink | 3/04/2009