My ongoing beef with vegetarians

Vegetarian restaurant menus have fake meat products like Sham, Tofurkey, and Fake'n. Sham? Wow. You're telling me right there the product is terrible. "I'd like a bowl of the inferior rip off Chili, please!"

At least meat eaters actually like meat. You don't see this at a steakhouse: "Tonight's special is Crock-oli. That's where we take bacon, compress it into the shape of a broccoli stalk, and paint it green...because THAT'S what we secretly want to eat."

Bacon doesn't need a disguise. It doesn't need to get dressed up in a costume for Halloween. Bacon just shows up and goes, "Knock, knock, I'm Bacon, trick or treat!" And it's always treat. Because it's bacon. And bacon is always treat.

And vegetarians say, "Eating steak is so cruel to cows!" I get it. But us liking steak has been pretty good for cows as a species. We take care of them. And that's good because cows suck in the wild. You won't hear lions going, "How are we gonna catch that wild cow?" "Oh, you mean that animal that you can walk up to while it's sleeping and tip over? I've got an idea. Let's wait until he's sleeping..." Cows should thank us meateaters every night before they go to sleep — standing up. Without us, they wouldn't even be on the planet anymore.

We do eat way too much in this country, though. We're so fucked up that people actually staple their stomachs shut. “C’mon, it’s a sandwich made out of waffles. You think I'm not gonna eat that? What am I, a superhero?" The best is when they need the surgery because they have a "disease." Yeah, the disease is called America. They don’t need stomach stapling in Cambodia. In Cambodia, people are stapling their mouths OPEN — hoping that maybe a bug might fly in there. They call it “The Reverse Roker.”

(An example of glomming onto a joke, Samurai sword-style. The original bit from a while back: "The problem with vegetarians.")

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6 Comment(s)

Anonymous Dan Fontaine said...

"ongoing beef" - nice.

"reverse roker" - nicer.

"stapling their mouths open" - hilarious.

3/4/09, 12:50 PM  
Blogger Matt Ruby said...

Thanks DF.

3/4/09, 1:10 PM  
Blogger myq said...

A restaurant that served meat disguised as vegetables, like bacon dressed as broccoli, would be hilarious, on Halloween or otherwise.

A vegan (Myq Kaplan)

PS Cows actually aren't treated so well by most of the meat industry, and were certainly more equipped to survive in the wild before humans started imprisoning, torturing, hormone-pumping, immobilizing, and fattening them up.

Not to be all negative and serious though... cows should start disguising themselves as broccoli also. That could lead to fewer people wanting to eat them.

Hope you've enjoyed my quirky propaganda.

3/9/09, 5:07 PM  
Blogger Matt Ruby said...

@myq, i know cows are treated like shit (and put in shit for that matter.) i do think there's a humane way to let cows live and slaughter 'em though. and the joke was based on something i read about how us eating cows has actually been great for their survival as a species. as far as wild cows go, i have no idea what they're like. just think it's funny that we go cowtipping and thought there must be a way to work that in.

3/10/09, 10:54 AM  
Blogger myq said...

I agree, I'm all about humanely slaughtering cows when possible.

I'd be in support of sending their brains to the Matrix while sucking their life force into burgers or whatever.

As far as the survival of the species goes, if surviving means living in captivity and pain forever, I'd certainly take non-existence over that, as a human or a cow, or a minotaur.

But let's get to work on the virtual cow paradise, and come up with a better name than the Moo-trix, because I'm sure someone has come up with that already.

3/10/09, 4:19 PM  
Anonymous Nick said...

Those "fake" meats are USUALLY eaten by people who are transitioning to non-meat diets. I've been vegetarian for 5 years now and I've pretty much moved away from those fake products. I will be the first to admit I still love ham, I just stop myself from eating it. I don't like the idea something has to die just for me to say "that tastes good".

And you're "we take care of cows" arguement is pretty much the same thing that slave owners preached back 100+ years ago so unfortunately I have to call shenanigans.

Sure, the domesticated cow would no longer exist if it weren't for humans. So we are keeping an animal alive for the sole purpose of our own pleasure...and we kill them at our whim... how exactly is that noble?

The whole world won't stop eating meat on the same day so it's not like all of a sudden one day we'll have all these cows and no idea what to do with them. Slowly people will move away from eating meat, and slowly the domesticated cow will go away too. Evolution of the mind is a slow process. Heck, cigarettes are still putting up a good fight.

Here's my beef: I have heard about seven comics do the "any vegetarians here? ... too tired to clap I guess" and crowds eat that up.

When I read these comments you make I lump you in with those hacks. You're better than that.

PS: I just read your stuff on AST and it's great. Added you on Facebook... I know Moody from up in Canada. he's a great guy.

If you want to cut me up for this comment send me something on FB because I'm going to forget to come back and read this.

6/26/09, 5:13 PM