9/14/07

The brotherhood of magic and comedy

Magic goes for ooh's and aahs, comedy goes for laughter. But they both come from the same place: surprise. Get people to expect one thing and then elicit a reaction with an unexpected twist.

Sleights of Mind is a look at the mental stuff that makes magic work. It discusses about how magic takes advantage of the tendency of people to see patterns and make assumptions.

The cognitive illusions that masquerade as magic: disguising one action as another, implying data that isn’t there, taking advantage of how the brain fills in gaps — making assumptions, as The Amazing Randi put it, and mistaking them for facts.

Sounding more like a professor than a comedian and magician, Teller described how a good conjuror exploits the human compulsion to find patterns, and to impose them when they aren’t really there.

“In real life if you see something done again and again, you study it and you gradually pick up a pattern,” he said as he walked onstage holding a brass bucket in his left hand. “If you do that with a magician, it’s sometimes a big mistake.”


Take this Steven Wright joke: "The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..." It's pretty much a magic trick, just with words. You set 'em up in one direction (Mick & Keith) and then tweak 'em with the twist (Fred & Barney).

The Rule of Threes works this way too. Set up a pattern on the first two items and then break out of it in a ridiculous way on the third. (Lots of lame hack jokes work this way. For example: "I only know three French words: Bonjour, merci, and surrender.") This look at the Rule of Three gives priest, nun, rabbi jokes as an example:

The subconscious, the minute it sees the rabbi walk up to the bar, has already filled in the blank. It knows what’s coming next because it figured out the pattern and is feeling pretty smug about it. That’s when the rabbi delivers the twist. It’s the surprise, the jerk away from the expected path that brings the laugh.


Speaking of magic, one of the people I most enjoy seeing perform is a Chicago magician named Bibik. He works parties and events doing up close magic tricks and riffing along the way. He's slightly off but in a great way: he insults the crowd, performs the same trick several times, works in some props, etc.

The funniest thing I ever saw him do: Wave over a Mexican guy selling tamales in a bar, pull out a wallet, and reach for a $20 bill that then exploded in flames. The tamale guy, who had no idea Bibik was a magician, looked as if he'd just seen a ghost. Bibik offered him the charred $20 but he ran off. Good times.

One last tangent: In Steve Martin's new book, he talks about how he began performing as a magician and the impact it had on his career. Here's him doing "The Great Flydini" on the Tonight Show.

9/13/07

Playing a character

It's liberating to perform as a character. As Mike Burns told me, "When you're in character, you can get away with anything."

Had this IM chat the other day on the same topic:

JF: just saw the france thing. why going in that direction?
MR: when you're in character, you can get away with a lot more. sorta andy kaufman/sasha baron cohen mentality.
JF: Just a experiment?
MR: i've been taking improv classes and that pushed me a bit to try out more character stuff.
JF: gotchya
MR: started as experiment but it's gone so well i'm working on more.
JF: easier to get laughs with an accent?
MR: foreigners are funny. anything strange/surprising is easier to be funny with.
JF: definitely. once you push people off balance it's probably easier to get a reaction out of them.
MR: yeah, when people are laughing before u even tell a joke. that's when you've got em. and i see so much standup that i get bored w/ the same ol same ol. fun to do something different. and when u think about it, a lot of great comedy comes from people playing characters...even if it's not obviously that. larry david, mitch hedberg, groucho marx, steven wright, etc. all caricatures.
JF: I can dig that.

9/11/07

Big Gulp full of breast milk



A recent set as Simon Beauregard, France's #1 standup comic, at Comedy Village.

9/10/07

See me at FREE IT IS IT comedy tonight at Piano's

Come out for IT IS IT Tonight Sept. 10th.

Featuring:
Rob Cantrell, The Late Late Show
Larry Murphy, Adult Swim
Max Silvestri, VH1
Shonali Bhowmik, Tigers and Monkeys
Matt Ruby, Sandpaper Suit
Joe Pickett & Nick Prueher, Found Footage Festival

Hosted by Adam Lowitt

8pm at Pianos 158 Ludlow at Stanton FREE

8/29/07

Demetri Martin added to Thursday's Flying Carpet

Just added to Thursday's Flying Carpet show at Mo Pitkin's: Demetri Martin.

Did Jamie Foxx rip off Richard Pryor's bit about Africa?

Check out the similarity between these Foxx and Pryor bits on the way people smell in Africa:



Not the most original idea here so I can def see how Foxx would come up with it on his own. But then again, could Foxx really not know the Pryor bit at all? It's from "Live at the Sunset Strip," one of Pryor's biggest concert movies.

8/28/07

Stingrays, jj's, and Flying Carpet on Thursday

Howdy you. Flying Carpet's back in action this Thursday. It'll be UPSTAIRS at Mo Pitkin's and free. Starts at 7pm *sharp* so don't lollygag.

FLYING CARPET
FREE Standup Comedy Extravaganza
Thu, Aug 30 at 7pm
Mo Pitkin's (Upstairs)
Ave A btwn 2nd and 3rd Streets
http://www.mopitkins.com/

COMICS:
Demetri Martin (http://www.demetrimartin.com/)
Joe Alexander (http://www.myspace.com/kingjaffi)
Matt Ruby (http://www.sandpapersuit.com)
Raquel D'Apice (http://www.myspace.com/theuglyvolvo)
Matt Maragno (http://www.myspace.com/mattmaragno)
Sean O'Connor (http://www.myspace.com/thecomedyofseanoconnor)
Brooke Van Poppelen (http://www.myspace.com/brookevpcomedy)
...and special guest!?

Flying Carpet on Aug 30

* The picture on the flyer is of a stingray. I took it at the Baltimore Aquarium. But quite a few people who have seen this flyer see something different when they look at it. They see female naughty parts. You know what I call these people? Perverts.

** That said, it would be pretty awesome if a girl referred to her jj as a "stingray." Ladies, work on it.

8/26/07

Upcoming shows: Flying Carpet and Transmissions

Thursday night is the next edition of Flying Carpet. We're in the upstairs room at 7pm. More details coming soon.

And you can also catch me at Michael Mattera's Transmissions show on Monday night. Details below...

--

Transmissions - Monday August 27th @ 9pm

Here's the Lineup:

Colin Kane: The Village Lantern, Caroline's Comedy Club
Mindy Raf: Mo' Pitkins, Vh1, College Humor.com, The Post Show
Jamie Lee: Archers of Ha, The Village Ma
Carolyn Castiglia: Vh1, MTV, ....and pretty much every alt. room
Matt Ruby: The Comedy Village, Mo' Pitkins
Dan Soder: K-Rock radio, The Comedy Village, Stand-Up NY
Amanda Beales: The Boston Com. Fest., The Laugh Lounge, Comix

Monday August 27th, 2007 - 9:00P
"Transmissions" @ The Slipper Room
167 Orchard Street (corner of Stanton)
Manhattan , NY
Cost: $5 Cover....NO DRINK MINIMUM!

8/21/07

The importance of connection

Paraphrase: "It's not about the lines, it's about the connection. Connection is more important than being witty or clever or the lines you've written."

That's David Steinberg's p.o.v. on why he and Johnny Carson worked so well together. With Steinberg, Carson could abandon his notes and just go with the flow. The audience sensed that and was turned on by it.

It's true for the standup/audience relationship too. If they feel a connection with you, you're way closer to laughs. It's a good reason to be ok with abandoning written material in order to just talk to the room.

8/20/07

Living strong

Thank you people who buy those Live Strong bracelets. You've really made a difference. You spent a whole $1 to fight cancer. Most people think a dime or .50 is enough. Not you. You've gone all in to combat this killer. You are clearly living strong. I tip my hat to you. And I'm inspired. I'm off to fight global warming by throwing a couple of ice cubes in the ocean.

And also thank you to the people who wear those ribbons for a charity. You know, the ones that symbolize that we need to save the whales who have breast cancer and work in sweatshops in Darfur. Nothing says "we're taking a REAL stand" more than synchronized accessorizing.

8/16/07

Last Comic Standing is a waste of time

Enough with comics bitching about Last Comic Standing "destroying the credibility of the art of standup" or being "sick" and "unseemly" for forcing contestants to heckle each other.

First off, what credibility?

Second off, who cares? It's obvious how lame the show is: The tryout process is rigged (all contestants already determined beforehand). The judges, ex-contestants, are comics who are less funny than a lot of the auditioners. Shows are edited terribly (the routines are chopped up so bad you don't even know what's happening). The laugh tracks are way overdone and the cut-to-audience-member-laughing-hysterically takes are way fake. And some guy in a gorilla mask keeps showing up. Cuz gorilla masks are so funny!

Not even worth the attention. Moving on...

8/15/07

Mr. Met at Pinty and Pooja's wedding



Tim: Mr Met at Pinty and Pooja's wedding
Me: nice, like an ESPN commercial
Tim: go mets!
Me: [disappointed] i was hoping he was gonna barf or start feeling up chicks

8/14/07

"There are some women who..."

Mike Destefano to gal heckler who jokingly threatened to beat him up: "There are some women who are hot enough they can get away with acting like cunts. You're not one of those women."

8/8/07

Write more

Was chatting with a pro comic the other night and I asked him what he knows now that he wishes he knew when he was starting out. His answer: Write more. "There's nothing I'm writing now that I didn't have the insight and knowledge to write ten years ago. I just didn't work hard enough at it then." What about having to deal with a day job? "There's always time." Does that feeling go away? "I always feel I should have another hour of material more than I do."

8/6/07

Catch me tonight at Totally J/K at Rififi

10 things: Crocodile tears, fireflies, ZZ Top, etc.

You know who's funny? Foreigners.

Guys who wear a lot of keys on their belts are telling the world, "I'm really good at opening doors and really bad at opening bras."

I'm determined to win the oscar for Best Actor. I'm waiting for the perfect role though: A blind, gay, retarded cripple who has AIDS. During the holocaust. Can you say shoe-in?

Fake crying is called crocodile tears. This must make things tough for emotional crocodiles. "Don't even act like you're really sad that gazelle got away, Carl." How can you even tell if a crocodile is crying anyway? They live in water.

I like to write jokes that are offensive on multiple levels. Example: Why do Jewish women have such big tits? Because that's where they store all their complaints. Check and mate.

Little known fact: Everytime a firefly lights up, he's receiving a text message. Sample: "Chilling by flowers. Where r u?"

You can sum up all of American politics this way: Democrats want their mommy. And Republicans want their daddy. And right now, it's like Mommy's been on vacation and Daddy's been in charge of the house and while it was fun for a while the laundry is piling up, we're all sick of eating fast food every night, and there's a really incompetent Attorney General staying with us.

I like this argument against gays: "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Oh, I didn't know you were bringing hard science into this! This argument is pretty much the same as saying, "Being gay is unnatural because the unicorns and the dragons told me that's true! And the abominable snowman said to be pro-life, so I'm pro-life. And the Loch Ness Monster told me we shouldn't appoint activist judges to the Supreme Court either."

The best line from ZZ Top's "Legs": "She's got legs...and she knows how to use them." As opposed to "She's got legs, but she's a parapalegic"!? Is knowing how to use your legs that impressive? Pretty low standards guys. Line they almost went with: "She's got a pulse and her blood is still pumping."

I know why you're not laughing at any of these. It's because you hate freedom.

8/2/07

Two Simon Beauregard sets

Simon Beauregard, France's #1 comic, performs at The Shark Show at Mo Pitkin's on July 21:


Simon Beauregard at Comedy Village on July 23:

7/31/07

Conversations

Discussing all the crap that Hollywood puts out...

NB: People blame the industry but I get sent all the projects they're looking at. Everything out there is crap. It's hard to write good stuff.
Me: What about Curb or the British Office?
NB: Their ratings suck compared to the top 20 shows. No show without a laugh track will ever be in the top 5.

Also from NB: "Standup is the hardest thing to do. If you can do standup, you can do anything." "Whoever writes the most will be the funniest."

I talked with GG about the limitations of performing as a character. His response: "If you can come up with one funny character, you can come up with more."

7/29/07

Sex swings: A.D. Miles vs. The Onion

A.D. Miles does a funny bit about his divorce and an unused sex swing full of dirty laundry. In the most recent Onion, there's an article titled Butterfly Fuck-Swing Filled With Junk Mail. Hmm.

7/26/07

Excerpts from "Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life" by Steve Martin

martinGot my mitts on an advance copy (available in November) of "Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life" by Steve Martin. It's all about his years doing standup and how he got started. It's a quick read and really interesting if you're a fan. Some highlights below.

His most persistent memory of stand-up:

I did stand-up comedy for eighteen years. Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent refining, and four were spent in wild success. My most persistent memory of stand-up is of my mouth being in the present and my mind being in the future: the mouth speaking the line, the boy delivering the gesture, while the mind looks back, observing, analyzing, judging, worrying, and then deciding when and what to say next. Enjoyment while performing was rare — enjoyment would have been an indulgent loss of focus that comedy cannot afford.


The best opening lines he ever heard:

The best opening line I ever heard was from Sam Kinison...He said, "You're going to see a lot of comedians tonight; some will be good, some will be okay. But there's a difference between me and them. Them, you might want to see again sometime." But wait — maybe the best opening line I heard was Richard Pryor's, after he started two hours late in front of a potentially miffed crowd at the Troubadour in Los Angeles. He said simply, "Hope I'm funny."


He developed material by translating what made him laugh in life:

I came up with several schemes for developing material. "I laugh in life," I thought, "so why not observe what it is that makes me laugh?" And if I did spot something that was funny, I decided not to just describe it as happening to someone else, but to translate it into the first person, so it was happening to me. A guy didn't walk into a bar, I did. I didn't wat it to appear that others were nuts; I wanted it to appear that I was nuts.


He believed in contradiction:

Lewis Carroll's clever fancies from the 19th century expanded my definition of what comedy could be. I began closing my show by announcing, "I'm not going home tonight; I'm going to Bananaland, a place where only two things are true, only two things: One, all chairs are green; and two, no chairs are green." Not at Lewis Carroll's level, but the line worked for my contemporaries, and I loved implying that the one thing I believed in was a contradiction.


Defense against loudmouths:

I developed a few defensive lines to use against the unruly: "Oh, I remember when I had my first beer," and if that didn't cool them off, I would use a psychological trick. I would lower my voice and continue with my act, talking almost inaudibly. The audience couldn't hear the show, and they would shut the heckler up on their own.


Try to make the waitresses laugh:

There was a sign of encouragment from these early jobs, and years later I heard it phrased perfectly by Bill Cosby. He said that early in his career when the audience wasn't laughing, he could hear the waitresses laughing, and they saw the show night after night. I noticed that the waitresses were laughing.


Making an audience remember him:

At the end of my closing-night show at the Troubadour, I stood onstage and took out five bananas. I peeled them, put one on my head, one in each pocket, and squeezed one in each hand. Then I read the last line of my latest bad review: "Sharing the bill with Poco this week is comedian Steve Martin...his 25 minute routine failed to establish any comic identity that would make the audience remember him or the material." Then I walked off the stage.


What's hard is being consistent:

It was easy to be great. Every entertainer has a night when everything is clicking...What was hard was to be good, consistently good, night after night, no matter what the abominable circumstances.


How he worked in new material:

When I had new material to try, I would break it down into its smallest elements, literally a gesture or a few words, then sneak it into the act in its shortest form, being careful not to dsirupt the flow of the show. If it worked, the next night I would add the next discreet packed until the bit either filled out or died. I can remember bailing out of a bit because I didn't want to be trapped in it for the next five minutes. The easiest way was to pretend I'd gotten distracted by something and then completely change track.


Other quick thoughts:

Comedy's enemy is distraction.


[On Laurel and Hardy] This is where I got the idea that jokes are funniest when played upon oneself.


Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.


"Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life" at Amazon.

7/24/07

Flying Carpet takes off on Saturday

FLYING CARPET
FREE Standup Comedy Extravaganza
Sat, July 28 at 7pm
Mo Pitkin's (Downstairs)
Ave A btwn 2nd and 3rd Streets

Check out this lineup!
Neal Brennan (co-creator/writer of Chappelle Show)
Larry Murphy (http://www.myspace.com/lsmurphy)
Matt McCarthy (http://www.myspace.com/howcanthisnamebetaken)
Jesse Popp (http://www.myspace.com/jwpopp)
Noah Garfinkel (http://www.myspace.com/noahgarf)
Dan Soder (http://www.myspace.com/scareddan)
Matt Ruby (http://www.sandpapersuit.com)
& more!?

...Hosted by Simon Beauregard (France's #1 standup comic!)

Flying Carpet on July 28

7/23/07

World champion Judah Friedlander

Seen Judah Friedlander (30 Rock) perform a bunch of times in the past couple of months and I really dig his act. It's all one joke: He's a fat slob who claims to be world champion...of everything.

This one joke is stretched as far as it can go. Sex, sports, whatever, he's the best. He's ready for anywhere the crowd takes it. You play softball? He plays hardball. And yesterday he bunted a home run. And before that he pitched a perfect game, from left field. Etc. It's all got an old-school, Rickles-ish schtick feel to it.

He sells it by not selling it. He delivers it in a "I couldn't care less about all this" tone. He's turned not giving a shit into his whole act. (Nice performance work if you can get it.) Still, he's super quick with crowdwork and totally on point with his timing and delivery.

Pros to doing something like this: tight focus, easy hook for people to remember you, anyone can get it, etc. Cons: I wonder if it feels limiting to have your entire act be about one topic?

7/20/07

George Bush and The Shaggy Doctrine

George Bush's foreign policy approach: The Shaggy Doctrine (i.e. the solution to being caught red-handed in a bad situation is to deny, deny, deny).

To be a true player you have to know how to play
If she say a night, convince her say a day
Never admit to a word when she say makes a claim
And you tell her baby no way


They found no weapons of mass destruction? It wasn't me. We started an Iragi civil war? It wasn't me. Butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor? It wasn't me.

George, how could you forget that you had given us an extra key?

7/19/07

The way a comic sounds

I realized the other night I listen to comics the way I listen to songs. I'm hearing the rhythm and melody first. If that doesn't hook me, I probably won't even pay attention to the lyrics.

The comic equivalent: I don't pay attention to the words if the delivery is weak (no confidence, no timing, no selling the jokes, etc.) Especially if it's one of those shows where there's a bunch of meh comics. If you don't sound like you're worth paying attention to, I'm tuning you out. It's self-defense, really.

A good comic sounds like a good comic. Listen to Chappelle or Galifianakis and they just sound funny. Take out the words and you still know where the jokes fall. Here's a clip of French comedian Raymond Devos:



I have pretty much no idea what he's talking about. But he still seems way funnier than most of the tepid comics at NYC open mics.

7/17/07

iPhone fever

Some people waited in line four days to get an iPhone. But you could just walk right in an hour after they went on sale and pick one up in minutes. This must have been very frustrating for the guys who waited in line. That's four days they could have spent not getting laid somewhere else. Like in the basement, commenting on blogs.

Neal Brennan at Comedy Village

Neal Brennan, co-writer of The Chappelle Show, stopped by Comedy Village last night. His intro mentioned his involvement in Chappelle Show and someone yelled out, "Were you in the game show one?" "No," he shrugged. "But I wrote it." [Laughs] "That's the problem with being off camera, no one knows who I am...I wrote Rick James." His set was solid. And even touched on the third rail of hack topics: Flying. "I want to tell an airline joke," he said. "But what is this, 1988? Too bad. I've got a really good observation about airlines."

7/16/07

Simon Beauregard makes his debut

Venue: Comedy Village
Date: 7/9/07
Length: 8 minutes
Crowd: 25 people



Here's an odd compliment to get: "Never be yourself again." But that's what someone said after my Simon Beauregard's last set (Simon is the #1 standup comic in all of France who really hates Americans). The set ended with a standing ovation and really positive feedback:

"That was genius."
"I couldn't control myself."
"Not a note was off."
"I would drink your piss right now." (er, thanks but...)

About Simon: He likes to do crowdwork but can't talk to Americans because they are beneath him. So he just rails against American culture. He's very popular in France but has not been able to visit the U.S. due to an incident with a young girl in a hot tub years ago. He loves fine food, jazz music, and young girls. He hates American culture and Gerard Depardieu. He's sort of a cross between Serge Gainsbourg and Bill Hicks.

Simon has "appeared" three times now and it's weird how well it works. It's almost as if being a character allows him to be himself more. Acting like a snob who hates Americans and their culture isn't much of a stretch for him. In fact, it was the basis of lots of his jokes anyway. So he just gets in flow and go with it. He can fake the accent pretty well considering he's not really French.

Simon's really fucking mean. But the exaggerated nature of the character/accent soften the hostility. It's all a joke...but at the same time everything he says is kinda true too.

Plus, French accents are just funny (see Peter Sellers' Inspector Clouseau or Sacha Baron Cohen's Jean Girard). In truth, Simon is mocking the French just as much as Americans.

Here's the first appearance of Simon, at Faceboyz' open mic at Mo Pitkin's:

7/11/07

10 things: Napa Valley, Ms. Hawaiian Tropic, pine trees, etc.

Some people call Napa Valley "wine country." I like to call it "drunk driving country."

Ms. Hawaiian Tropic 2007 is actually two contests in one: The winner is also Ms. Skin Cancer 2030.

When life gives you lemons, ask to speak to the manager.

I'm outsourcing all my masturbation. I have this guy named Raj who lives in India do it for me. But when he does it, he tells me his name is Karen.

I have a friend who keeps bitching about his outstanding warrant. I think he should shut up. After all, his warrant is outstanding.

Backhanded compliments suck. Unless you are playing tennis. Then they're perfect. "That was a pretty good shot...y'know, for a backhand." Or "You serve really hard, for a girl!"

The biggest fear for any guy about to shave off all his hair for the first time: That his head is shaped like Sam Cassell's.

People who use the term "African-American" are racist. Because that's the clearest way to show that you never actually hang out with black people. Let me know next time you hear a black person say, "What up African-American?"

I don't get pine tree cleaning products. A pine forest isn't clean. Nowhere is dirtier than a forest. "Wow, your kitchen must be clean since it smells just like a place that is covered in dirt! And is that cesspool scented dishwasher detergent you using? I love that smell."

A friend of mine says he's a total Nazi about grammar. That's odd, cuz you know what I'm a total Nazi about? Killing jews. I'm a total Hitler that way.

7/6/07

Bill Burr roasts Philadelphia

Patton Oswalt cited this Bill Burr tirade as "operatic." It's pretty much a roast of the entire city of Philadelphia.



The story:

In 2006, he gained notoriety for an incident in Philadelphia as a part of Opie and Anthony's Traveling Virus Comedy Tour. After the crowd began to boo him mercilessly, Burr decided to fight back. He abandoned his scripted material entirely, proceeding to hurl profanity-laced insult after insult toward the crowd themselves and the city of Philadelphia. He continued in this off-the-cuff manner for over ten minutes, and was treated to a lengthy standing ovation as he left the stage.

7/5/07

Weak zebras

Venue: Rififi
Date: 6/22/07
Length: 9 minutes
Crowd: 40 people

7/3/07

Andy's Trip To The Auto Show

rooneySome people say Andy Rooney is an old fool who's commentaries on 60 Minutes are worthless. I say, "Phooey!"

To prove my point, Here are some excerpts from Andy's Trip To The Auto Show, one of his recent pieces.

I went to the New York International Auto Show last week. I call it the car show. They have a building full of new cars.


See, now where else are you going to find this sort of informative, hard-hitting, investigative journalism? Nowhere, that's where.

When I was young the cars I remember best were: Ford, Chevrolet, Oldsmobile, Buick, Hupmobile, Packard, Studebaker, Dodge, Plymouth, Cadillac, Chrysler, Pierce Arrow and Pontiac. Some of those are out of business now.


Really Andy, some of those are out of business now!? Well, that explains why my Hupmobile hasn't been delivered yet. I'm going to get on the horn pronto and give that Hupmobile dealer a piece of my mind!

Some of the names are different but the cars are more the same than they used to be, I think. You used to be able to tell a Plymouth from a Chevrolet or a Cadillac from a Ford but it's harder now. I don't even know a Subaru from a Suzuki.


So true Andy, so true: It IS hard to tell these Asian cars apart. In fact, the only thing more difficult is trying to tell the difference between one Asian person and another. Is that guy Chinese or Korean? Really, who knows?

You don't see a lot of dirty cars at the auto show. They have about ten people just dusting them...Car dealers ought to have one car out front with mud on it so we'd all know what it's going to look like most of the time in our own driveway.


Brilliant idea. You know who else should follow this advice: Victoria's Secret. They should have one really superfat model so Americans would know what the lingerie will look like in their own homes.

The manufacturers may be running out of names, too. They're using a lot of letters and numbers now on their cars. The Jaguar X-JR, the Infiniti M35X. I'm about ready for a new car myself. Maybe I'll go out and get myself an AUDI A4 2.OT Cabriolet.


Er, after reading this, I don't think you are ready for a new car Andy. In fact, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be driving at all.

Click here for more of this 5th grade report on a field trip to the Auto Show Andy's commentary.

7/2/07

Comics stuck on repeat

I'm surprised by how many comics do the same set every time I see them. Six months have passed and they're still doing the exact same 7 minutes.

What's the point of that? Is that 7 minutes gonna be your Letterman set or something? It's usually just meh stuff so why are these guys spending months perfecting it? They're just treading water.

It's hard to write new jokes that are really funny and new material often fails. But if you can't get over that, why are you on stage? Trying out new stuff and failing is how you get better. And if you can't do it on a "real" stage, go to an open mic where sucking is par for the course. Otherwise, you're just fossilizing.

I think this is gonna be especially true moving forward. The digital age means shit gets old way fast. The idea that you get one killer set and coast on it is antique. Info spreads too quickly for that and it's just gonna spread faster and faster. Success is going to go to the comics who can generate new content all the time. People who can make new funny all the time. Those who can't constantly stream it out won't be able to keep up.

Flying Carpet: Tight not wack

Saturday's Flying Carpet kicked some serious ass! Thanks to all who turned out. All the comics killed it and we were treated to a finactic climale featuring Mike O'Rourke freestyle rapping while Reggie Watts laid down the groove. It was most definitely tight and not at all wack. Next edition: Saturday, July 28 at Mo Pitkin's (downstairs at 7pm).

6/30/07

Tonight: Flying Carpet

Flying Carpet
Sat, June 30 @ 7pm
Free!
Downstairs At Mo Pitkin's
34 Ave A (Btwn 2 & 3 St)

Lineup: Watts, Cantrell, Mande, O'Rourke, Soder, Ruby. More info.

6/29/07

Crazy New Yorkers

Everyone in NYC is so obsessed with themselves. All they want to talk about is themselves. It's tough for me to talk with people like that because I know I'm so much more interesting than they are. Don't they realize we should be talking about my life!? How can these people not realize that? Silly.

People who've lived in NYC their whole lives are the craziest. They're always nostalgic for a time when the city was a complete hellhole. "Sure, there were homeless people everywhere, junkies in the park, and whores in Times Square, but the city had a real energy back then!" Um, energy is overrated. 'Cuz you know where has a real energy right now? Darfur. The place is hopping. If you love energy so much, go there. Fuck Virginia, Darfur is for lovers.

I used to live in the East Village (aka hipster central). Hipsters always wear the same shit. Because, you know, the best way to express that you're a creative, individual thinker is by dressing exactly like everyone around you. My favorite hipster accessory: the leather wristband. Because you know, these 112 lb. guys are fucking gladiators. Vegan warriors. No one messes with the Fine Arts Program at Bard College, NO ONE! They'll slice you with their asymmetrical haircuts, crush you with PBR cans, and then use your blood to make street art.

6/27/07

Wave 'em like you just don't care

You say hey...
Jason: yo
Jason: you say Hey
Jason: You say hey, I say yo
Matt: i am currently waving my arms in the air as if i don't care.
Jason: perfect
Jason: you know the drill
Jason: you are in the club
Matt: truth = if i really don't care, i usually don't wave my arms in the air.
Matt: i just sit. like normal.
Matt: cuz i don't care.

LIterally
Matt: thought of you today when i read this:
Matt: Q&A with Sarah Jessica Parker
Matt: "I have to be involved literally down to splitting the atoms," says the actress about her clothing label, Bitten.
Tim: wow. she can split atoms
Matt: for fashion!
Tim: well thats why they usually do it. for fashion
Matt: spliiting atoms is very in vogue right now.
Tim: i literally crapped my pants when i read that

6/26/07

Sat @ Mo Pitkin's: Flying Carpet w/ Reggie Watts, Rob Cantrell, Joe Mande, and more

This post brought to you by the letter F...
F as in FLYING CARPET.
F as in FREE SHOW.
F as in FULL MOON.
F as in THIS SATURDAY. (deal with it)

That's right. It's gonna be a full moon for Saturday's Flying Carpet comedy extravaganza. You'll finally have an excuse for being all hairy and breaking the law.

Flying Carpet
Sat, June 30 @ 7pm
Free!
Downstairs At Mo Pitkin's
34 Ave A (Btwn 2 & 3 St)

If you don't come, you're silly. Check out this lineup:

  • Reggie Watts (http://www.reggiewatts.com/)
    Freestyle soul comedy beatbox confusionist. DO NOT MISS!

  • Rob Cantrell (http://www.robcantrell.com/)
    Last Comic Standing finalist, host of Chronic Comedy crowd at Comix.

  • Joe Mande (http://www.joemande.com/)
    Host of J/K at Rififi. Big city comedian.

  • Brian Koppelman (http://www.myspace.com/bk15)
    Screenwriter of Ocean's 13 and Rounders, Caroline's, Stand Up NY.

  • Dan Soder (http://www.myspace.com/scareddan)
    K-Rock, Comedy Village, Stand Up NY.

  • Mike O'Rourke (thinks the internet is for dorks)
    Last show we did together he almost got arrested. Really.

  • Matt Ruby (http://www.sandpapersuit.com)
    Loves the voodoo you do so well.

Still not convinced?! Well, look at this flyer:
FC

And just to finish you off, watch Reggie Watt's perform "Out of Control":








...That's just sick. It's beyond sick. It's dead. Totally dead. See you Saturday.

6/25/07

Don't go on Blind Date

Dating tip: If you're single, never go on the show Blind Date. They only set up people who have ZERO chance of liking each other:

[Announcer:] "Let's meet our daters. Tiffany is a 23-year old aerobics instructor who loves hanging out at the beach. She's looking for an athletic stud who likes to do body shots. And here's her date...Schlomo is a 68-year old Rabbi from Riverdale whose interests include studying the Torah and philosophical debates about Nietschze. Therapist Joe says they're an unlikely couple."

6/23/07

Rehab, drinking games, and beer geeks

I love Mel Gibson and these other people who go into rehab because alcohol is the cause of their anti-semitism, pedophilia, or whatever. Sorry guys, alcohol doesn't make you do random things, it makes you do what you actually want to do. No one ever gets really shitfaced and then does something altruistic. You never hear, "Dude, I did 14 shots of Jack last night and then I went and volunteered at a soup kitchen." No one says, "We're gonna kill this keg and then we're gonna Teach for fucking America!"

And I think people who need drinking games are pussies. Beer pong? Fuck you. I have a fun drinking game: It's called Beer. You take a drink each time you get thirsty. Easy!

Show some respect for booze. Other drugs don't need games. There's no Heroin Sudoku. No one's playing Crossword Puzzle Crack. "I need 23 across...NOW!"

The other night I saw a commercial for Sam Adams where the owner of the company brags that his whole staff, including the legal team, are "beer geeks." I think that's a great euphemism for alcoholic. Also, Sam Adams sounds like a great company to sue.

6/20/07

Me > Rififi > Friday @ Greg Johnson's show

I'm doing a set at Greg Johnson's groovy show at Rififi on Friday. Details via Greg's site:

--

This Friday We Have a HUGE Show at Rififi at 8!

Greg Johnson w/
Mike Dobbins
Andy Blitz
Cracked Out
Larry Murphy (Adult Swim's Home Movies, Assy McGee)
and
Matt Ruby

PLEASE come see this Friday at 8 at Rififi in New York.

Rififi - (332 E11th Street btw 1st and 2nd)

Don't miss it.

6/19/07

Big name drops the mask

I saw a big name comic drop the facade last night. I'll leave him nameless to keep him off of Google. (As if I've got sooooo much Google juice. Anyway...)

He went up at the end of the show on Monday at Comedy Village. A couple of really hack bringers went up before him. Maybe that led to his ultra-confessional set. He sat at a stool and laid it all out there.

He said he's miserable. He doesn't want to do comedy any more. And this is someone who's made it. Comedy Central special, Leno, Letterman, etc. 10+ years of comedy.

He said he felt like it was all a waste. His jokes are about little things. Observational stuff. And he said that shit just doesn't matter. The world is crumbling and he's joking about food. How can he do that when there's a criminal in the White House and the ice caps are melting?

He said he made lots of money. He got lots of attention. He did better than 99% of comics who get on stage. But he can't face himself in the mirror. He raced to sell out and now he wishes he hadn't. He wished he had rocked the boat. He said he should've talked about things that actually matter to him.

He wanted to make money and be loved and he got that. But now he lives in a fancy building and looks down and wonders if there's a spot he can jump from where he won't hit anyone when he falls.

He wants to quit standup and teach high school kids instead. Why not start rocking the boat now? "It's too late."

His advice to a newer comic friend of his: "Stop trying to get everybody to love you. Talk about what really matters to you." Because what really matters is all that really matters.

It was a pretty naked moment. Was he 100% serious? I don't know. The tough thing with great comics is they always seem like they're joking. He'd talk about how worthless he is and people would laugh. Will he actually quit? He seemed serious but I still think he'll change his mind. Tough to just walk away from that level of success. Regardless, there was definitely more than a grain of truth in his words.

From a comic viewpoint, it was the kind of thing that made you want to race home and write more. Write something personal, important, and meaningful. It's better to fail with shit that means something to you than succeed with material you don't care about.

6/15/07

Bedding, loveseats, and carpentry

Oddly enough, moving in with my girlfriend has turned me gay.

First step: Bedding. Chicks dig sheets, pillows, and thread count. I used to be fine with just two pillows. Now that I moved in with my gf, guess how many pillows there are on my bed. 4? No. 6? Nope. 97. There are 97 pillows on my bed. I have to sleep on the floor in order to make room for all the pillows on the bed. My pillows have pillows. "Nah, pillow. You've had a hard day. Kick back, yo."

I also have to buy a "loveseat." I'm convinced shopping for a loveseat is the gayest thing you can do. I'd rather just buy two gay men who are fucking to sit on. "Ricky, Raoul, keep it steady. I'm trying to watch The Daily Show."

You could be listening to the Pet Shop Boys while watching Grey's Anatomy and it wouldn't be as gay as shopping for a loveseat. Actually, you could be listening to the Pet Shop Boys while watching Grey's Anatomy and anally penetrating another man and it wouldn't be as gay as shopping for a loveseat.

To top it off, my girl's dad is this supercarpenter dude who came in and built all this shelving for our place. He brings in his table saw and a nail gun and something called a pancake compressor and starts building shit. I know how this works...I watch Extreme Home Makeover...So I pull out a megaphone and start yelling at him "Move that Bus!" Then I start crying.

See, I'm Jewish. We don't do carpentry. We gave that stuff up after Jesus. (It didn't work out so well for him, y'know?) While her dad's building all this stuff, the only thing I can think to say, "Is there anything I can sue? My people are good at that."

6/13/07

The in-flow set

The holy grail for standups: the in-flow set.

The in-flow set is when you're just riffing. It's the opposite of a typical set you see on tv, where everything's super-rehearsed. You're in the moment, calling the room, doing crowdwork, working in something that happened today, saying whatever's on your mind, barely relying on established material at all. You're just so funny that you can make it up as you go along. The audience guides you with their response.

Two of the best I've seen at this: Greg Giraldo (tornado energy) and Todd Barry (hypnotic delivery). One reason you see these guys do sets at small places like UCB or Rififi, for free/cheap, is because that environment is where they can really go for flow.

Flow riffing comes with extra bite. When you're doing written material, your brain is in the back. When you're improvising, your brain comes to the front. You're applied. The audience senses that. They give you extra points for pulling off the dance. Plus, it's easier to say something surprising. After all, you're surprising yourself. Surprising = funny.

Some pro comics are so good at weaving in and out of written material that you don't know which parts they've done before and which ones are just coming to 'em on the spot. They make the transition seamless. That's why it's interesting to see the same comic multiple times in a short stretch. You see when they drop anchor and when they sail.

Flow sets are great because they're fun to do, especially if you perform all the time. Doing the same jokes every night for months on end is lame. If you can pull off the in-flow set, you keep yourself amused. Plus, you get to discover all the time. When you hit on something that kills, you can save it and bring it in to your foundation set, the one you might use on tv or whatever.

Flow sets are when you jam. Foundation sets are when you play your songs.

6/12/07

Raped by Kinko's?

The church is the only place that can get away with institutionalized rape. (Well, the church and prison.) Can you imagine if thousands of 12-year old boys were getting raped at Kinko's? Kinko's would be shut the fuck down! No one would accept the excuses the church uses: "Oh that was Charlie, the night manager. We transferred him to the uptown branch so there's no problem, really. Stay quiet about it and we'll give you two years of unlimited free copies."

6/6/07

Rhythm in standup and music

Had an interesting chat with Donnell Rawlings (standup who's done Chappelle Show and lots more) the other night outside Comedy Village about rhythm and comedy. The topic of John Mayer doing standup came up (supposedly he's not bad). Donnell said he met him through Chappelle Show and wasn't surprised that he'd be good at standup. "Anyone who's good at making observations and is used to being onstage talking in front of a lot of people will probably make for a good standup."

Being a musician/comic, I mentioned that I think rhythm has a lot to do with it too. (Note: I'm not a big Mayer fan — shoot me if I ever write something even remotely as pussyfied as "Your Body is a Wonderland — but whatever, he's got musical chops.) Good musicians recognize the power of rhythm, the difference between accenting the 3 instead of the 2, etc. Seemingly subtle differences like can have a huge impact (turn a punk song into a reggae track, for example).

Similarly, pause length and timing can make or break a joke. That's part of why you can tell a joke with the same words yet get completely different reactions. Some comics record and transcribe jokes that work and include every pause and "um" in an attempt to capture the flavor of the original kill.

There's a great scene in Chappelle's Block Party movie where Dave talks about how much musicians and comics have in common. That so much of comedy is timing. You see him playing bongos and "jamming" with The Roots and other musicians and you totally get the similarity between the two worlds. Donnell also said the between (and during) song banter on "Bill Withers' Live at Carnegie Hall" has some of the best interaction between performer and audience he's ever heard.

More similarities between music/standup: Comics have to listen to an audience the way band members have to listen to each other. That's how you know when to pause and when to fill. You also have to be doing one thing while thinking about what you're going to do next. And you have to deal with fuckups and just keep going (tip: the audience almost never notices anyway).

How do they differ? Standup is rawer. In a band performance, it's a lot easier to hide. You've got your bandmates up there with you, you've got volume so you can bully people into listening, you've got an instrument so you've got something physical to do, etc. With standup, you're naked. It's just you and your words. You know right then, on the spot, whether something is working or not. Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide.

6/5/07

Jerry Orbach: Good at eye donation and little else

jerry

Dead Law and Order star Jerry Orbach appears in a NYC subway ad that says "his greatest role was that of an eye donor."

Sorry Jerry. Detective Lennie Briscoe? Mediocre. Dr. Jake Houseman in Dirty Dancing? Meh. Giving away your eyes? Your career-defining performance.

This all brings up some questions though: Is there really a huge eye shortage out there? Am I missing this army of people walking around with eye patches on?

And does this mean there might be some girl walking around NYC who has Jerry Orbach's eyes? The idea of making love to a woman while gazing longingly into Jerry Orbach's eyes is strangely arousing. Come on, I know you feel it too.

Most curious of all: In an interview with the Daily News, his widow said she "cannot remember a day that went by where [Jerry] didn't say, 'I want to donate my eyes.''

Every day!? Damn. I'm gonna go out on a limb here: Jerry Orbach was NOT a fun guy to hang out with: "Hey Jerry, want to go get a burrito?...Aw man, no, I do not want to hear about your eye donation AGAIN!"

Is there any way that talking every day about donating your eyes is acceptable social behavior? Maybe the grandkids dug it. "Hey, Grandpa Jerry, tell us how they're going to rip the eyes out of your body and sew them into someone else's sockets again. That's our favorite bedtime story!"

How many lame segueways did he have to get into talking about his eyes? "This song sounds good. You know what else sounds good? Donating my eyes after I die."..."Jelly donut? Oh, I thought you said shall we donate our eyes after we die? To which my answer is definitely yes."..."Nobody puts baby in a corner? Well, nobody puts my eyes in a casket, nobody."

That's a Dirty Dancing reference. Don't act like you didn't get it, tough guy. Also featured in Dirty Dancing: "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen. Replace with the following lyrics and sing along!

Orbach eyes
I've been meaning to tell you
I've got this feelin that wont subside
I look at you and I fantasize
You are mine tonight
Now I've got you in my sights

With those Orbach eyes
One look at you and you cant disguise
You've got Orbach eyes
I feel the magic between you and I

I want to hold you so hear me out
I want to show you what loves all about
Darlin tonight
Now I've got you in my sights

With those Orbach eyes
One look at you and you cant disguise
You've got Orbach eyes
I feel the magic between you and I
And You've got Orbach eyes
Now I've got you in my sights
With those Orbach eyes
Now did I take you by surprise

I need you to see
This love was meant to be

You've got Orbach eyes
One look at you and you cant disguise
You've got Orbach eyes
I feel the magic between you and I
You've got Orbach eyes
Now I've got you in my sights
With those Orbach eyes
Oh you took me by surprise
With those Orbach eyes

6/2/07

Heavy metal guitar legend Clive Clemmons' "Inappropriate Response Channel"

I've been referencing this Conan bit for years and no one ever knows what the fuck I'm talking about. But now, thanks to the magic of YouTube...blah blah. Love the last scene here especially.

6/1/07

10 things: Brooklyn, where you at?

Investigate: I can't get enough of serious investigative journalism. That's why I so enjoy "Kickin' it with Byron Allen."

Political: I'm usually not a fan of music with a political message but I think that last Shakira record is great.

Wristbands: Cool hipster guys often wear leather wristbands. You know, 'cuz they're fucking gladiators. No one messes with the vegan alumni of Bard College's Fine Arts program...NO ONE.

Bahamavention: I'm pretty sure a friend of mine needs a Bahamavention. He's addicted to the Bahamas. If he doesn't limbo for more than 12 hours, he starts shaking uncontrollably. And he won't stop braiding his hair either.

Geography: One thing I've noticed from watching "Bad Boys of Comedy" is that a lot of black comics are bad at geography. They often come out and shout to the crowd, "Brooklyn, where you at?" Dude, the show is being taped in Brooklyn! How can you not know where Brooklyn is at when you are in Brooklyn? MapQuest that shit, yo.

Drop: I was just talking with my good buddy Ethan Hawke about how much we hate people who name drop.

Legally blind: Some people are legally blind. Does that mean other people are illegally blind? "Hey, arrest that motherfucker...he is blind without permission!" Luckily for the cops, it'd be easy to chase this particular set of criminals down.

VS: Victoria's Secret should open up a branch in Iran. It could sell the MiracleBirka ("makes you look 30% more virtuous than you actually are.") And the WonderVeil ("your eyes will look twice as forlorn!")

Tofurkey: I consider Tofurkey and Fake'n the tribute bands of the food world. "Rocking with nearly as much flavor as real beef: Not Dogs!"

Reality: Someone should make a reality tv show about a bunch of washed up reality tv show producers forced to live together.

Monkeys: Is a barrel of monkeys really that fun? Not for the monkeys, I bet. And what kind of asshole gets off watching monkeys squirm in a barrel anyway? "Ooh, animals stuffed into a small container! Bring out the mug full of squirrels next!"

Zen: I like to write Zen proverbs for depressed people. "What's the sound of one man napping?" "Every single journey begins with the longest step." "If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, it just goes to show life is meaningless and we're all going to die eventually...sad and alone."

5/31/07

Upcoming shows

Come see me Sunday at The Parkside Lounge (details below) or Monday at Comedy Village (9pm show).

--

FREE COMEDY SHOW! THE LORELEI RETURNS!

here are the DETAILS:
THIS SUNDAY, JUNE 3rd!
8 pm
the parkside lounge (houston btwn ave. B&C), FREE!
REGGIE WATTS (!!!!)
JOHN MULANEY
NOAH GARFINKLE
MERRITT GURLEY
MATT RUBY

& your host; Katey Healy-Wurzburg

reggie watts is a comedy god, so if you haven't seen him yet, PLEASE take this opportunity to come see his magical blend of beat, looped, sexy vocals and robo-fantasy freak-tasion this sunday. john mulaney is hilarious, and you have probably all seen his face on VH1 or on MTV during human giant's recent take-over of the airwaves. noah, matt and merritt are all lovely, sexy human beings and hilarious comedians whose many lovely qualities i cannot ennumerate here, because i am going to be late for work!

please be there! the show is free, the parkside just asks that you buy a couple of drinks to support the sexy cocktail waitress. there is regular alchohol as well as tea and soda!

yay! oh check out my blog @ rubysneakers dot blogspot dot com! thanks!
see you on sunday exclamation point!

check everyone out on myspace:
http://www.myspace.com/reggiewatts
http://www.myspace.com/johnmulaney
http://www.myspace.com/merrittgurley
http://www.myspace.com/mattruby
http://www.myspace.com/noahgarf

5/30/07

The primal causes of laughter

The urge to laugh is the lubricant that makes humans higher social beings. [via JL]

Surprise is a mental "slap in the face" that leads people to laugh.

Most assessments of humor's underlying structure gravitate to the notion of controlled incongruity: You're expecting x, and you get y. For the joke to work, it has to be readable on both levels.


People only laugh when there are others around. It's a form of communication. That's why it's so tough to kill in a room with only a few people.

"You're 30 times more likely to laugh when you're with other people than you are when you're alone...In fact, when you're alone, you're more likely to talk out loud to yourself than you are to laugh out loud. Much more...We've vastly overrated our conscious control of laughter."


You can't tickle yourself. You need an "unpredictable touch." Punch lines need to deliver that same sort of unpredictability.

Like the incongruity theory of humor, tickling relies on a certain element of surprise, which is why it's impossible to tickle yourself. Predictable touch doesn't elicit the laughter and squirming of tickling — it's unpredictable touch that does the trick...The laughter of tickle evolved as a way of cementing the bond between parents and children, laying the foundation for a behavior that then carried over into the social lives of adults. While we once laughed at the surprise touch of a parent or sibling, we now laugh at the surprise twist of a punch line.

5/29/07

Institutionalized rape at Kinko's?

Venue: Comedy Village
Date: 5/21/07
Length: 9 minutes
Crowd: 25 people



Brought back some of the religion talk I was doing a few months back (at the end of this video). Trying to stretch it into a longer bit. A lot of my jokes are in/out affairs. If I can string more together on the same topic I think it'd help my flow.

5/23/07

"Stage time in this city is too valuable to waste"

2-3 hour marathon shows sap the life out of the crowd. If you're one of the last comics to go up, it can be pretty depressing. A dozen people in the room who are tired and don't feel like laughing. It's tempting to just phone it in, get conversational, give up on doing any written stuff, etc. I've done it before.

But then you watch an established comic work a room like that and you see something different. Last night, Rick Shapiro and Gary Gulman went up late on one of those shows at Comedy Village. And they still got laughs. Rick's always a tornado on stage, regardless of the size of the crowd. I've seen Louis CK kick ass in a similar, dozen-people-in-the-room situation too.

They do it right because they don't know how else to do it. It's built in. The energy, the commitment to the bit, the pro-ness. There may be some modulation, but there's never any quit.

There's a frame thing going on in those situations too. If you have a strong enough mental frame, you can seduce others into it. People will follow a strong attitude. If you know you're funny and ooze that confidence, other people will buy it too. It's your job to put the wind in the sails.

There's no point in sitting around and waiting for hours to get up on stage just so you can phone it in. Better to view it as a test. Can I turn this completely dead room around? Can I follow a total hack that has people squirming and bring 'em back? The plus side of it all: If something works in a dead room with just a few people, then you know you've got something.

"Stage time in this city is too valuable to waste." -Gary Gulman

5/22/07

I pity Jeff Probst's poor penis

Survivor host Jeff Probst suffers from an abnormally full bladder because he often holds his piss when he's in the jungle. It gets worse:

Probst admitted that he sometimes did this because he did not want to be a cause of delay for the show's taping. This is another addition to his long list of misadventures during tapings of previous seasons. It can be remembered that he got electrocuted because he urinated in an electric fence. He also got stung by a jellyfish near his genitals and also had a close encounter with a reticulated python.


Note to Jeff Probst: In addition to electric fences, jellyfish, and reticulated pythons, some other good things to keep your penis away from: the Jaws of Life, crocodiles, barbed wire, guillotines, electric eels, oscillating fans, and Ted Haggard.

5/19/07

Sarah Silverman set at Rififi

SSSarah Silverman stopped by Greg Johnson's show at Rififi last night. Only caught the last few minutes of her act but she was really funny. She'll be hosting the MTV Movie Awards soon so I'm guessing she wanted to try out some new material. (One movie joke: "They call it '300' because that's how gay it is on a scale of one to ten.")

She claimed to be terrible at crowdwork and then tried some anyway. Asked a girl what her name was and what she did (A: actress) and then responded, "I'm just gonna let Todd Barry [the next comic] take care of you." She talked about gift bags and then said that's what she calls her boyfriend's balls. She also did a bizarre cheese fucking routine. She really likes some cheese and said she just wants to fuck it and then started acting like a dude raping some cheese. Weird. But she's got that wavelength thing where anything she says is funny so it all worked.

The brilliant thing about her is how she uses her appearance and her voice to get away with saying really fucked up shit. Sweet little Jewish girl + filthy jokes + smart = ripe for laughs.

5/18/07

Cheese Nips

Spoiler alert: The rest of this post will be fucking hilarious. Deal with it.

Are Japanese people offended by Cheese Nips? Not only is the nip part offensive, but 90% of Asian Americans are lactose intolerant so the cheese part adds some extra salt to the wound.

Lightbulb! Maybe there's a market for other racist snack foods. "Ooh, a bag of Onion Spics!" "Halloween = time to stock up on Candy Coon."

I have a pool shaped kidney. (It's an above-ground kidney.) The doctors are worried because it's full of chlorine...and vicodin.

Sometimes when people move they ask you to help and offer you pizza in exchange. This is not an equitable trade. If I am going to carry a couch up four flights of stairs, I need more compensation than cheese and tomatoes.

"Paint my house and I'll give you a cracker."
"I don't think so!"
"Scrub the floors for a lollipop?"

People who are lactose intolerant piss me off because I hate intolerance in any form. These people are prejudiced against dairy products and I won't stand for it. First they came for the cheese, then they came for the Jews.

Hating intolerance is not a very tolerant thing to do.

5/16/07

Bar chefs = proof the terrorists did not win

Sometimes I feel like New York City needs one gigantic bitchslap. From Fine Drinking in Tribeca:

Downstairs at the mellow and sophisticated B Flat, your bar chef meticulously measures each ingredient, uses three different sizes of ice cubes (the largest of which is filtered, frozen, chopped and chiseled in-house) and only takes your order if you're sitting down (because greatness shouldn't be rushed).


These ice cubes are frozen and chiseled IN-HOUSE!? How fucking incredible. I usually outsource my ice chiseling to a place in Bangalore.

And there's three different sizes of ice cubes?! Precious. I hope they also have urinals that automatically adjust to my exact height. And napkins that come in different shades so I know one will match my seafoam tie. And I hope they stir the drinks with the tusk of a freshly murdered elephant.

Pricks.

5 reasons new comics should stop listening to albums and tv specials by famous comics

Beginning comics pay too much attention to albums and tv specials by famous comics. There's only so much you can learn from an HBO special or a live album because it's got so little to do with the reality of working a room as an unknown comic. Here's what's off about standup specials:


  1. There's no crowdwork. In a lot of ways, it's more theater than standup routine. They're playing to the cameras (or mics), not the people. It's not about calling the room, thinking quickly, or being in the moment. It's about delivering your set.


  2. The sets are long. A killer 30+ minute set is totally different than a 5 minute one. When you've got an hour, there's a lot more space to relax, tell stories, etc. New jack comics need to be able to bring it in a hurry.


  3. The people in the audience are already fans. Making a room of people who already like you laugh is a hell of a lot different (and easier) than making strangers laugh. You don't have to establish a persona and win them over 'cuz they're already there.


  4. The audience has been primed. They're juiced by the setting, the opening acts, the lights, the producer telling them to whoop it up, and all that crap. Heck, the Tonight Show audience even laughs at Jay Leno's monologue so there's obviously some sort of reality distortion field going on.


  5. There's no bombing. The comic is doing a set that he knows works for an audience that he knows will laugh. There's no randomness at play. That's a totally different equation than new comic + new material where you need to poke around and take a chance on failing.



No doubt, soaking in albums/specials by Chappelle, Rock, Martin, etc. is valuable for any comic. But if you stop there, you're studying a fantasy.

To see what I mean, compare one of Mitch Hedberg's bootlegged concerts to one of his albums. In the bootlegs, there's a lot more dialogue with the audience. There's more wandering. There's more spontaneity. Or watch Zach Galifianakis' "Live at the Purple Onion," a live concert that shows less fantasy and more reality. The way he works the audience is what you don't get on HBO.

Watching a great comic work live is a whole different education than watching him in tv-land. You see how they weave, try new material, handle a chatty audience member, etc.

5/14/07

Flies and Flying Carpet

Venue: Mo Pitkin's
Date: 5/10/07
Length: 7 minutes
Crowd: 35 people

"Flying Carpet" went well despite some on-the-fly shuffling of the lineup. The final bill included: dark host Greg Barris, bearded Texan Aaron Baker, insightful Greg Johnson, Naked Trampoline Hamlet director Andres Dubouchet, deep-voiced Dan Soder, yours truly, and phonebook-reading Kristen Schaal.

Why all the shuffling? Comics started dropping off the bill like flies. (Hmm: Do flies actually drop a lot? Can't they, you know, fly? Anyway...) There was a hot shot meeting in LA, a case of pneumonia. a host stuck in an airport in Texas, and a work-related MIA. Now I see why people who put together shows always seem so stressed out.

Anyway, all's well that end's well. People dug it. Not a big laugh kinda group but they paid attention and played along with diverse lineup. Mo Pitkin's was happy and looks like we'll do it again sometime. Details on that soon.

Here's my set:



Aaron commented to me that my set took a turn for the better once I dropped the one liners and went to more conversational tone/jokes. Dan, on the other hand, has told me before that he thinks the one liners are my "wheelhouse" and mentioned to Aaron he's seen me kill with them. Always interesting to get conflicting advice like that. I think it all depends on the audience. Some crowds love the one-liners while other times they can def fall flat. I like to start off with a bunch of 'em just to set the tone, get a rhythm of punches going, and get a read on a crowd.

5/11/07

Frank Zappa on Crossfire



This is so fucking surreal. My fave part: The bandage on Robert Novak's hand.

5/7/07

"Flying Carpet" on Thursday

"Flying Carpet" on Thursday


This Thursday is the debut of "Flying Carpet" (a show I'm doing with some friends). Come on out.

Flying Carpet
An extravaganza of comedy and more
Thu 10 May
9:30pm
$3

Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
Downstairs room
34 Avenue A (between E 2nd and 3rd Streets)
http://www.mopitkins.com/

Featuring:
Kristen Schaal (http://www.myspace.com/kristenschaal)
Andres Dubouchet (http://andresdubouchet.com)
Matt Ruby (http://www.sandpapersuit.com)
Landon Kirksey (http://www.lovelandon.com)
Dan Soder (http://www.myspace.com/scareddan)
Joe Alexander (http://www.myspace.com/kingjaffi)
& more

5/4/07

Don Rickles closes show with "one to grow on"

After 35 minutes of insulting every possible ethnic group and dozens of audience members, this is how Don Rickles closed out his show:

don_rickles_one_team.mp3

(From Don Rickles - Hello Dummy!)

5/1/07

The formula

Isn't this group of people different than that group of people? 'Cuz this group of people likes those things while that group of people likes these things. But can you imagine what it would be like if that group of people liked those things instead of these things? It would be totally incongruous!

4/30/07

Heckler videos

Comic Jim Jeffries gets punched in the face by an audience member. When he returns to the stage, he says, "What many of you don't know is that I employ that bloke for when gigs are going badly."



Joe Rogan goes ballistic on a mouthy audience member. "I'm not your boyfriend, I don't need to listen to your stupid shit."



Jamie Kennedy mocks someone who tells him to use the word "server" instead of "waitress."

4/27/07

Jerry Orbach eyes

Venue: Stand Up NY
Date: 4/23/07
Length: 6 minutes
Crowd: 11 people



Here's a look at the, ahem, glamorous world of standup. This is what it's like to do a set in front of the remaining 11 people who have sat through 3 hours of comedy on a Monday night. By then, they looked like extras from a scene in "Children of Men."

4/26/07

The first 30 seconds

More advice from the grizzled vet comics who hang out at the bar at Stand Up NY. They're kinda like those old muppets who sat in the balcony. Anyway...

* Don't sit down for five years. When you sit down you send a message to the audience. You lower the energy. You have to bring something from a much deeper place.

* You have to set a tone of funny in the first 30 seconds. Then you can get darker (or whatever). But those first 30 seconds determine how the audience sees you.

* Persona goes a long way. When people buy your persona, they open up to you. (Persona explained at Wikipedia: "A 'second self' created by the author and through whom the narrative is related...[it] literally means mask.")

* The toughest thing for a beginning comic to learn is how to read the room.

* Write, write, write.

* Don't blame the crowd. It's always your fault. If they don't laugh, it's because you did something wrong.

* Don't listen when other comics say a room is dead. It was dead for them, that's all. A great comic can walk into the sleepiest room and still get 'em going.

4/24/07

Catch me Thursday night in Grandma's box

I'm performing Thursday night. Downtown show too. Come on out. Details below from "Grandma"...

--

GRANDMA'S CANDY BOX
Thursday, April 26th - 9:30 PM - $2!

My precious grandchildren,

Victor Varnado & Village Voice. What do these two entities have in common?
If you have answered that Victor Varnado, host of Grandma's Candy Box & one of Grandma's favorite grandsons is on the cover of this week's "Village Voice" then you are correct!

If you have answered "Alliteration," "East Village Legends" or "Bums use them as Blankets," you are also correct! If you got none of these right then you are incorrect. Grandma now loves your cousins more than you and I am removing you from my Will.

On the show this week!:
Lee Camp: From Spike TV, E!, Sirius Radio, and his own comedy webcast SharkBaby. What happens when shark babies grow up? If you have to ask, you'll never know.
Myka Fox: Recently Co-hosted The Comical Radio and is champion of all things regrettable and worth mention.
The Straight Men: Every time I try to find their credits I get gay porn sites. Come see them live!
Matt Ruby : Recently performed on same bill as Chris Rock, read about it on his blog "Sandpaper Suit".
Jason Kanter: Currently touring all over the country. Jason is bald and he loves it when people rub his head and make a wish! Its his absolute favorite thing! More favorite than milkshakes at the drive-in! Try it, he will be grateful to you!
Hannibal Burress: Visiting from Chicago, this comic was recently featured at the Montreal Comedy Festival.
Roger Hailes: You'll recognize him from his sketches on the "Chapelle Show"
Eliza Faria Santos: Is sleep deprived. She that hopes you find this newsletter amusing but mostly, she hopes that it makes sense.

Hosted by Victor Varnado: My brilliant, belligerent, black albino grandson. He's been on HBO, Conan O'Brien, Starz Network, Comedy Central, and many feature films. Go pick up this week's "Village Voice"! He is naked on the cover!!!

Love & kisses,
Grandma

Grandmas Candy Box
Thursday 9:30pm - $2!
@ Bar None (3rd Ave btw 12th and 13th sts)

4/23/07

Subway standup

The other week I did standup on the subway. Three other comics and I were headed downtown after a show. Omar was drunk, started mouthing off, and soon we were "entertaining" the D train. Alright, most people didn't really give a shit but at least a couple had fun with it.

We each had "one-stop sets." It was all rather ridiculous (and of course no one really laughed) but it actually was a strangely valuable learning experience. In that kind of situation, you better bring some energy and your jokes better not be wordy. Get to the point quick or don't bother. And it certainly makes a normal audience less intimidating. What are they gonna do? Be more apathetic than the crowd on a midnight subway car? Highly doubtful.

Related: Insight on connecting with an audience from a subway musician:

When you play on the street you can't approach it as if you are playing on a stage. Busking is an art form of its own...You have to relate to the audience and be a real people's person. You can't hide behind your instrument and just play, with an invisible wall between you and the audience, the way a stage performance is conducted. In busking you use the passers by as if they were paint and your music is the paint brush - your goal is to create a collective work of art with the people, in the space, in the moment with you and the music.

A busker is someone who can turn any place into a stage...As a busker one needs to interact with those around, break walls of personal space, and lure people into a collective and spontaneous group experience on the street, in the moment, with you. A bad busking act is when the performer doesn't make an effort to connect with the audience. Like musicians who play for themselves, not acknowledging the audience, just burying their heads in their instruments.

4/18/07

Intimacy whistle

Venue: Stand Up NY
Date: 4/02/07
Length: 6 minutes
Crowd: 40 people



One of my best recent sets. Great crowd, totally into it from the beginning. Laughed heartily at "Keep it going for the phrase keep it going." I knew it was on.

Listening back, what's interesting to me here is the extra tags I threw on to jokes. "I'm generous like that...I need a more informative cum swallowing site...Don't test me...'Cuz they're both just so fucking authentic...etc." That's the kind of shit that just pops into your head when you're in flow. Right brain to the rescue.

And that's why writing will only take you so far. Being up there, in that moment, is when some of the best lines come. Or at least ones that are present and immediate and feel like part of a conversation. People respond to that.

That's why taping sets is so helpful too. These lines would be lost otherwise. Having them recorded gives them a chance to live again and maybe get added to those jokes full-time.

4/17/07

Gun show

This article on the Virginia Tech shooting talks about the gun laws in Virginia.

Once a person had passed the required background check, state law requires that law enforcement officers issue a concealed carry permit to anyone who applies. However, no regulations and no background checks are required for purchase of weapons at a Virginia gun show.

Wait a minute. The one place in the state where there are no gun regulations or background checks is at a GUN SHOW? Because something should be illegal...unless you get it at a show dedicated to that thing!? "Normally, crack is illegal...but not if you buy it at The Crack Show!"

Jabs and uppercuts

I had a weird set last night. Room was dead. Other comics made "thrown to the lions" references. It was late in the evening when Rob Cantrell got up and did an awesome set. He can be funny but last night he wasn't. Just deep and truthful and mushroomy. Bill Hicks meets Terence Mckenna style. And just when you feared he'd go off the deep end, he talked about how it must be awesome to be a bird because if you don't like where you're at, you can just fly somewhere else, and then does an impression of a bird. Totally ridiculous and awesome.

He inspired me to break from my set. It turned out rather lame. Well, lame in that it wasn't funny. I just talked. Wanted to see where it would lead me. It was a good exercise but not funny enough. I started out alright but then I got a bit too philosophical about Americans being scared and people telling you not to do stuff because they're just jealous that they can't do it, etc. When I tried to weave in some jokes again, it was too late. They saw me as a serious guy and that's not the path to laughter. The vibe I was bringing was interesting, but it wasn't funny.

Now I wonder what would've happened if I had gone out and just did my intended set. Would've gotten more laughs but is that always better? At that point, in that room, with that crowd, it just seemed like it would be phony to stick to material. Still, I feel bad about delivering a lackluster set. These people paid money to be there after all.

I think there are two solutions: 1) Get better at weaving punch lines into the ranting. Mix the jabs in with the uppercuts. 2) Fuck 'em and bring your A game and make it work. If your frame is stronger — and the material is there — they'll come around.

4/14/07

Where it's at

So I perform every Monday at Stand Up NY. Two out of the past three weeks, Chris Rock has shown up and done a 40+ minute set of new material. No promises he'll be there again but it's always a fun, weird show with some good comics on the bill anyway. Plus, you can get in for free (normally $15 cover) if you say "comp cover for Matt Ruby." Still a two-drink minimum though. But you're a fucking lush anyway so what do you care?

MONDAYS @ STAND-UP NY
Monday, April 16 (and every Monday)
236 W 78th St (btwn B'way and Amsterdam)
9pm show

Rock's set last week was great but my favorite moment of the night was before he even showed up. Another comedian got a woman in the audience to admit she's had a finger up her ass. So what? Well, she was sitting in between her teenage daughter *and* her mother-in-law at the time. Scandalous! And that poor girl...it's like they say: A moment on the lips, a lifetime in the therapist's chair.

What's that? You don't want to go all the way uptown to see me perform? Alright, quit your whining. I've got a couple of East Village shows coming up too.

On Thursday, April 26 I'll be doing a set at Grandma's Candy Box, a weekly show at Bar None. It's free and they have cheap drinks. Last time I performed there, the room was full of drunken cops and one of the comics nearly got arrested. Good times! Details:

GRANDMA'S CANDY BOX @ BAR NONE
Thursday, April 26
98 3rd Ave (btwn 12th & 13th St)
9:30pm

And here's some "save the date" shit: On Thursday, May 10, some friends and I are putting on "Flying Carpet," a comedy extravaganza at Mo Pitkin's. On the bill: Kristen Schaal, Andres Dubouchet, Joe Alexander, Brian Koppelman, Dan Soder, Landon Kirksey, and more. All for only $3. It'll be a grand time.

FLYING CARPET @ MO PITKIN'S
34 Ave A (btwn 2nd and 3rd St)
Thursday, May 10
9PM

The end.

4/10/07

Chris Rock and I "share" a bill again

Last night, Chris Rock showed up again at Stand Up NY and did a long set of new material (he did one a few weeks back too).

Here's how that works: He walks in. Everyone starts whispering. Comic onstage finishes his set and Chris goes up (other comics get bumped or have to wait and are fine with that because they get to watch a master work shit out). The audience members whisper and seem slightly aghast. All the other comics and waitstaff fill the room at the sides and the back. There's about 50 people in the room.

He puts a yellow legal pad on a stool and starts flipping pages looking for jokes. He doesn't address the crowd or do crowdwork. All he cares about is shaping the jokes on the pad. Most jokes seem already written out. But then you can see where he starts trying to extend. He gets this little glint in his eye and dances around different act-outs.

When he finishes his bits, he leans back against the wall and returns to the pad. He flips through, finds one of his topics, and says out loud, "Hmm...weddings...kinda hack. It's tough to unhack that." The comics in the room love the reference. But he doesn't really play to the industry people at the sides. He's more focused on the middle of the room, the random audience members and their reactions.

He covers a lot of the same topics as last time (like how cruel kids are, how he hates rich kids but now he has his own, how women can never go back financially and men can never go back sexually, etc.). But doesn't do them the same. There are new twists and turns.

Overall, it's not as funny as one of his HBO sets. He's not as committed. The peaks don't go as high and the rhythm isn't there in the same way. In "Bring the Pain" and those other specials, he grabs it by the throat and doesn't let go. These workout sets hit those highs occasionally but include a lot of lulls too. It's a lot more catch and release. Some of the older audience members sit with arms folded and seem unimpressed.

Still there are some great fucking moments. He says love doesn't exist (it's just a combination of like plus need). He talks about how every woman thinks her pussy can change a man. He talks a lot about women and relationships actually (most brilliant bit of the night revolved around "In every relationship, there's a Hall and there's an Oates."). He talks about how he's just good enough in bed. About why you should drop out of school in 2nd grade instead of 10th grade (you'll be qualified for the job you'll get either way). And lot's more. Tough to get it across here but he's got some amazing, ballsy material cooking.

I'm not sure there's any better comedy class than watching someone that good work on material at that stage. More than anything, you see how much hard work it is. He's grinding out this material. He mentioned how men in his family have been lifting shit for 400 years. He's lifting too.

So what's it like to follow a legend? I went up a few comics later and the crowd seemed exhausted by then. You just gotta roll with it, acknowledge what we all just experienced, and use that as inspiration. Crowd was actually pretty loose considering the length of the show (and prob drunk too) so we still had fun.

Related: How Chris Rock works out new material in a small club

4/9/07

Online comments bring out the crazies

Online comments bring out the crazies. A few examples...

At the message board of Bill Maher's site, there's an amusing debate over whether the Jews "control the entertainment industry and the media." Someone named Gorillamom posted this bizarre comment there with random name dropping, gratuituous typos, non sequiturs, etc.

My friend and master screen writer Stewart Stern, is from the Hollywood Jewish community. His family co-founded Paramount Pictures. He wrote the screen play's "Rebel Without a Cause, Cybli (with Sally Field) The Ugly American, The Outsideres, and few others. I loved having lunch with him every Sunday in the gorilla unit. He's a good cook. He prepared the gorillas diets at the zoo every Sunday.


I really wasn't expecting the transition from "he wrote the screenplay for Rebel Without a Cause" to "I loved having lunch with him every Sunday in the gorilla unit." I guess when your name is Gorillamom, it always comes back to the gorillas.

Fox is Evil sells dumb tshirts that make fun of Fox News. People get really offended. Some actual emails received by the site's owner:

From : Jeffrey S
xxxxxx@gmail.com
"I somehow stumbled on your stupid web site. It's dumb and I'm going to tell my friends how dumb it is."


Jeffrey sounds like a good friend! I wish I had a friend like him around to point out dumb things that I'm unaware even exist. My lame friends only tell me about things that are smart or interesting. Sucks.

From: Daniel K
xxxxxx@comcast.net
"Fox News doesn't lie. They are the only ones that stand for family values and supporting war"


Thank goodness there's still someone around that stands for both family values AND war. The two go together like chocolate and peanut butter. It's about time we get this country's priorities back in order.

From: Matt S
xxxxxx@hotmail.com
"your evil. You are gay and you probably would like everyone to be gay to get your ass pounded fag."


Touché, Matt S, touché.

4/5/07

Spokesjew

Joe's black. I'm jewish. We had this conversation the other night.

Joe: I've tried matzah and I don't like it. Couldn't you guys figure out how to make bread?
Me: Matzah sucks 'cuz we made it while being chased through the desert for 40 years by a bunch of Egyptians. I'd think you'd be able to empathize. I bet the bread wasn't so great on your slave ships either.
Joe: [Laughs]
Me: When the man comes for you, sometimes you forget to grab the yeast. If the Klan surrounded your house, you might take off before packing up the Crisco.

Which reminds me, I've been thinking about Mel Gibson's "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Yeah, 'cuz, you know, as a people, wars have worked out pretty well for us Jews. After World War II, we looked around at each other and said, "Oh yeah, gimme some more of that!"

Also amusing to me: the stereotype that Jews love money. You know, unlike all other ethnic groups. Other ethnic groups just hate money. They give away cash left and right.

Actually, the reason Jews got good with money is because Christians refused to do banking or financial jobs in the Middle Ages. The church said it was filthy so Jews had to take over all the money-related careers. Meanwhile, Christians decided to stick with cobbling and smithing or whatever the hell else people did back then. Not the best move in retrospect. (Hey, Jews have fucked up plenty too...outlawing bacon for starters.)

How can you hate a group of people for doing a job that you forced them to do because you considered it beneath you? It'd be like hating Mexicans for being busboys. But I've never heard someone say, "Damn Mexicans, they love dirty dishes!"

Anyway, Jews don't love money. We love bargains. We've been conditioned to by Jewish holidays, which always seem to be based on a crazy good bargain. For Passover, the little bit of matzah each Israelite took out of Egypt miraculously lasted 31 days. For Hannukah, a one day supply of oil lasted eight days. It's no wonder we get excited when there's a 30% off sale at Saks.

4/3/07

Jokes vs. funny

While waiting to go onstage, vet comic Todd Lynn likes to offer words of wisdom to new jack comics. From last night:

There's a difference between writing good jokes and being funny. When you're funny, people laugh no matter what you say. Funny is about timing, delivery, attitude, and confidence. Writing good jokes is about being smart. The trick is bringing the two together.

Don't slouch onstage. Look like you care about your jokes. The audience will reflect your energy.

4/2/07

Steve Martin has a way with words



From Steve Martin - Comedy Is Not Pretty!

The long buildup stretches out the tension. This joke could be told in 10 seconds but it's the stretch that gives it tension and gives away the persona of the narrator. Interesting: The punchline is actually silence. The pause is when you realize the true message being conveyed is the complete opposite of the words being said. That incongruity is the laugh spark. Then you've got the smarmy tag "Oh, not have way I guess." Brilliant act-out that gives a final punch to it and shows the level of bullshit being dispensed.

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