Friday: We're All Friends Here, free tickets for my New York Comedy Contest show tonight, and Tuesday W'burg show

Friday is the next We're All Friends Here:

We're All Friends Here
The comedy chat show with boundary issues
Hosted by Matt Ruby and Mark Normand

* Ted Alexandro (Letterman, Conan, Comedy Central)
* J-L Cauvin (Late Late Show w/ Craig Ferguson)
* R.G. Daniels (Sunday Night Stand-Up)

FREE
Friday, June 19
8pm @ The Creek
10-93 Jackson Ave at 49th Ave
Long Island City, NY
Just one subway stop from Brooklyn and Manhattan
Map
Listen to the podcast

Free tix for tonight at Eastville
Also, I'm performing at The New York Comedy Contest tonight. 7pm at Eastville Comedy Club. Free tickets available, details below...

FREE TICKETS, TONIGHT, 7PM AND 9PM SHOWS!

100 comedians face off all this week for the grand prize of $5,000. Each night industry judges from Letterman, Comedy Central, VH1, talent agencies, and management companies, pick 4 comics to move forward. Thurs and Fri begins the Semi-final rounds, moving into Saturday night's finals with one comic taking home $5,000, automatic Boston Comedy festival admission, and major industry buzz.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO SEE ONE OF TONIGHT'S SHOWS FOR FREE, EMAIL ME (beckydonohue[at]mac[dot]com) WITH THE PHRASE, "I LOVE COMEDY" FOR A PAIR OF TICKETS.

Free show in W'burg on Tuesday
And doing this fun show tomorrow (Tues) night.



Walk towards White Castle...sounds like the theme to a new religion.

Don Rickles does crowdwork on TV

Ya don't see crowdwork on tv/albums a lot. That's part of what makes this clip of Don Rickles hosting The Tonight Show in '78 so much fun. It has a genuine "what's gonna happen next?" vibe which ya rarely see on mainstream TV. [thx MN]





Here's the man of the hour (talk about word of mouth: I had four different people tell me to go see "The Hangover" this weekend), Zach Galafianakis, going off on Carl, who has the worst body language he's ever seen (from "Live at the Purple Onion").



And Jimmy Pardo does some brilliant crowdwork with a kid named Ethan on this track of the Comedy Death Ray album.

Do you have a fave clip/track of a standup doing crowdwork? Link it up in the comments.

Standup as a means to a different end (e.g. screenwriting)

Lee Hurwitz is thinking about trying standup and sent me a note. Here's his question and how I responded:

While the idea of performing stand up definitely intrigues me, my ultimate goal is to be a comedic screenwriter. I write all the time, but writing and getting my writing out there are two very different things. I have been thinking that maybe by trying to do some stand up, I can get my name out there a little bit (amongst other comedians) and network with other like minded people. But I know that stand up is obviously tough enough in its own right, and I don't know if getting into it just to try to later get into screenwriting is a pointless idea. Do you have any thoughts on this matter?

I def think standup is a smart move, even if you ultimately just want to be a writer.

One time I was talking with a big shot writer/producer who also does standup. I asked him where standup fits in. He pointed at the stage and said "That's the hardest thing to do. If you can do standup, you can do anything."

I think it's a solid point. There's nothing tougher than getting up on stage and facing that judgement of a roomful of people while trying to elicit a primal response from them. It's so unforgiving. But that's why it'll also tighten up everything else you do. It'll raise your bullshit radar. It's no coincidence that people like Tina Fey, Judd Apatow, Larry David, Woody Allen, Dave Chappelle, etc. were all stage performers first before they began writing for the screen.

It's easy to sit at home and write stuff and think it's brilliant. When you get up in front of a crowd, you quickly realize most of your brilliant stuff is actually crap. And you get to figure that out quickly, in small chunks. With screenwriting, you have to put in a huge investment of time before you ever get any feedback at all. I'd say put your ideas to the test right away in a real-life setting and see how they fly. If anything it'll make you a more ruthless editor — the world could certainly use more of those.

Show calendar

This Google calendar (below) lists all of my upcoming spots. You can also subscribe to my email list for occasional updates.



Get updates:
1. Get an email every time a new show is added or...
2. Subscribe to RSS feed for this calendar

Some good '07 posts from Sandpaper Suit

At the end of last year, I put up a list of the best posts at Sandpaper Suit in 2008. Going back even further, here are a few posts from 2007 that stood out:

Steve Martin's advice for making it as a comic: "Be undeniably good"
Moby's #1 fan is out to get me
Rhythm in standup and music
"Stage time in this city is too valuable to waste"
5 reasons new comics should stop listening to albums and tv specials by famous comics
How Chris Rock works out new material in a small club
Chris Rock and I "share" a bill again
"Funny" isn't what makes people laugh
Video: Simon Beauregard's Guide to America

Top '09 posts so far can be found in the "best of" category.

Think Tank: Off Broadway

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Comedy contest advice from Myq Kaplan

Me to Myq Kaplan:

Hey man. I'm entered in a comedy competition for the first time next week. Since you're the master at winning these things, I wonder if you have any advice. Five minute set in the first round. Should I hit 'em with quicker jokes and one-liners only? Or ok to do longer bits (like that mom/weed one)? Any other advice?

Myq's reply:

well, since i'm also in that competition i think (NY comedy contest),
my answer depends on whether you're in my first round
jk lol

but to answer your question seriously and sincerely (or sneakily and deceptively, who can tell?),

the general advice i would give to anyone in general is to be yourself, the comic that you are at your best, doing the stuff that hopefully both you enjoy and that an audience will enjoy the most

more specifically though, to actually give more of an answer...

it's a good question, and a relevant one to someone like you who has access to material of both sorts...

i wouldn't say absolutely that you should only hit them with quicker jokes, but i will say that some people with only longer storyish bits sometimes do find themselves less fortunate in situations like this--the guy who won the seattle competition the year i did it was damonde tschritter, a strong story-teller, who did consistently very very well in the semis and finals, which were rounds of 10-12 minutes and 15-20 minutes, respectively
but i believe he Almost didn't make it out of the first round, which was 5-minute sets

in my experience, as someone who Does have mainly shorter jokes, or longer bits that are made of shorter frequent laugh lines, i've found some measure of success in contests

but it's certainly not only this type of comic or act that Can succeed in contests

baron vaughn did make it to the finals of the boston comedy festival his first year in it, and his jokes are quite elaborate and lengthy, i would say
and he did it because he was himself, and his self is Hilarious

back to specifics of your question for You--because you've got the power to hit people hard and fast, and that can be advantageous with such a short time limit, i'd say it could be a benefit to take advantage of, but again, your whole five minutes needn't be that...

you could open with two minutes of it, and then some longer stuff
or whatever other mathematical combination you like

plus a hilarious, poignant, and relevant conclusion

hope that was helpful, but not helpful enough to beat me if we end up facing each other

art fight!

Check out Myq's blog Godzillionaire.

Suntanning and that "healthy glow"

Interesting fact: Ms. Hawaiian Tropic 2009 is also Ms. Skin Cancer 2038.

It's weird that being tan is considered healthy since it's just a sign that you're burning your skin. "How'd you get that healthy glow?" "House fire. Third degree burns. If it wasn't for these embarrassing tan lines, I'd show you my black lung!"

And what's with these people who tan before going on vacation? Y'know, the ones who say, "I'm building a foundation." Foundation? Then before I go on vacation, I should just do three weeks of Vicodin and Ecstacy. Form a base. That way I don't scare off the locals when I get there.

1) Subscribe and 2) WatchThinkTank.com is live

You can get Sandpaper Suit delivered to you by email. One email a day, includes links from "The Pocket" too. Or here's the RSS feed if you're one of those types.

Also, just set up WatchThinkTank.com, a site for the new web series Mark and I are doing. Will keep posting 'em here at Sandpaper Suit too so not really anything special if you're a regular reader here. But if ya want to subscribe just to Think Tank and not to the rest of this site, ya can do that there.

Btw, next week's episode may be my favorite one yet. Stay tuned.

What's the job of a comedian?

This post from last week led to some interesting discussion about what the job of a comedian should be. Is it to entertain? To make people fell comfortable? To make them feel uncomfortable but ok with that?

In "The Making of Zach Galifianakis" [via MD], Zach says:

Wherever there’s something that people don’t feel comfortable talking about, that’s where the good jokes are. People might misunderstand you, but I decided, right after my show was canceled, never to dumb my material down for anybody. A bad comic follows his audience, catering to whatever they want; a good comic will always lead.

Playwright Noel Coward once said [via JW] this about the theater (and maybe you could substitute standup in here?):

I think the primary purpose of the theater is entertainment. If by any chance a playwright wishes to express a political opinion or a moral opinion or a philosophy, he must be a good enough craftsman to do it with so much spice of entertainment in it that the public gets the message without being aware of it. The moment the public sniffs propaganda, they stay away.

One key factor on this: The stage of your career. When you're just starting out and making a name for yourself and trying to get paid and all the rest of it, can you really afford to be precious about your art? Can you get away with making people feel uncomfortable then? Or do you have to suck it up for a while and be a real crowd-pleaser before you get to the point where you can afford to turn people off? Except for anomalies like Andy Kaufman, maybe you need to spend years proving you can make people feel comfortable before you start making them uncomfortable.

Think Tank: Karate

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Conan's first Tonight Show from LA (with Josh Comers on staff!)

Tonight is Conan's first night at 11:30pm. Big congrats to friend and fellow NY standup Josh Comers for getting a writing gig with the show. He's now out in LA (photo from Tonight Show site) and told me in a note things are going well ("it's fun to be part of television history").

Josh was always a super writer and it's great to see him making the leap after years of hard work. I remember seeing him at a mic a few months back telling this joke: "How do you know when you're no longer paying your dues and you're just failing?" A few days after that, I remember giving him some drunken advice at a bar: "You know all those funny jokes you've written...you should tell them in a row." Shows what I know! (And also shows what a prick I am, eh?)

Anyway, before Josh left town he showed me the packet of jokes he submitted. Really great stuff in there. I guess the whole thing was a bit of a whirlwind...a current writer for Conan saw him at a show in January and told him he should submit. Josh put together a package right away. Months later, in May, he got a call and within a week or so he was hired. A few days later he was on a plane to LA.

He knew a couple of the other writers there beforehand which probably helped, but the real ace up his sleeve: He had been writing late night monologue jokes every day for a year at a "secret" blog that no one knew about. So he had a huge supply of jokes to pick from. Looking through the packet, you could see the polish. I was really impressed. Sharp, funny jokes that you could totally see coming out of Conan's mouth.

Monologue-style jokes are a strange breed. You've got to be clever yet still use references that everyone's gonna get. That's why the targets are always the same couple of dozen people/topics. Josh managed to hit those topics without seeming stale, not an easy thing to do. I think he'll do well there.

Conan's been doing a ton of press leading up to his debut and this long piece in the Times is the best one I read. Here he talks about the link between music and comedy (something I've discussed here before too):

Dressed for the show in a suit and tie, and then settled behind the drum kit of the “Late Night” band, the Max Weinberg Seven. O’Brien began drumming as the band played “On the Road Again.” “Music and comedy are so linked,” O’Brien said earlier, as he walked up and down the halls of his offices, playing one of his many guitars. “The rhythm of comedy is connected to the rhythm of music. They’re both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I’m always surprised when somebody funny is not musical.” O’Brien smiled. “And, you know, Johnny loved to play the drums.”

Lorne Michaels on what makes a good host:

I liked that Conan was young, intelligent and that he had, like Johnny Carson, good manners. A good host always obeys the rules of hospitality, and Conan has an essential decency and work ethic that were obvious from the start.

Reminds me of an episode of Make 'Em Laugh I watched recently where Joan Rivers gives two reasons why Johnny was such a great host: 1) He was a great listener who followed along and wasn't a slave to a list of questions and 2) He was the perfect straight man because he wanted you to get the laughs.

Conan on all the variables that come along with doing comedy:

“The thing that saved my life was that I didn’t really know what I was in for,” O’Brien said, an hour before taping his last show. “If they had explained to me exactly what was involved, I might have run. But I did not want to fail. And now I’m addicted to the feeling of what it’s like to do a good show. There are 35 variables every night — what comedy do we have? What’s the audience like? Who are the guests? What time of year is it? What’s my mood? You need 15 cherries to line up to pay out the jackpot. And, every now and then, the stars align. And you keep chasing after that feeling.”

All those variables are what make standup so fascinating. So many things play a role: the room, the PA, the crowd, the host, your confidence, the placement of each word, little variations in timing, etc. It feels almost impossible to come up with a fixed formula because there are so many moving parts. But yeah, when you hit it and really lock in, there's nothing quite like it.

Fashionably late

I don't understand why fashion people are always late. Isn't fashion about things that go in and out of style. So shouldn't being late have gone out of fashion at some point? "Why did I show up 8 hours early for your party? I was just in Paris and it's the next big thing. You'll understand when you see next month's Vogue."

Besides, fashion people love things that are difficult...high heels, corsets, etc. Well nothing's harder than being on time. C'mon fashionistas, just call it being "fashionably prompt" and let the suffering begin!

Upcoming shows

5/30 7pm - The Lil Seany Show @ Ochi’s Lounge (Comix)
5/30 9pm - Jokes Ahoy! @ the LILAC...docked just north of Pier 40 (off Houston Street)
6/04 8pm - Hug Life @ Hugs (Williamsburg)
6/09 9pm - Comedyland @ Bohemian Beer Garden (Astoria)
6/11 7pm - Summer Share at Lucky Cheng’s
6/12 10pm - 80 Minutes to the Weekend @ Joe Franklin’s Comedy Club
6/14 8pm - Sunday Night Standup @ Three of Cups Lounge
6/15 7pm - NY Comedy Contest @ Eastville Comedy Club
6/16 9pm - Comedy Party USA @ The Pinch
6/19 8pm - *** WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE @ THE CREEK *** (Long Island City)
6/25 8pm - Spotfest @ Legion Bar (Williamsburg)

Adjusting your material based on the type of crowd you're performing for

Should you change your material if you're doing a show in front of a specific kind of crowd? An anonymous commenter here recently wrote:

Just be yourself...I say the same shit to my friends who are African-American or Middle Eastern, who constantly try to pander to the lowest common denominator when they feel intimidated by an audience that is of a different age or ethnicity. Be yourself. Don't use your culture and skin color as a filter, drop the filter and don't be afraid to bomb, sometimes bombing is cool, as long as, you're being genuine and not dumbing your shit down.

To each his own. I think it's silly to think you're going to do the same set no matter where you are. Maybe if you're doing shows in front of the same demographic all the time. But I get up in front of different crowds. Sometimes it's a hipster room, sometimes it's a room filled with foreigners, sometimes it's an urban show, sometimes it's a clean show for a church group, sometimes it's an older crowd, etc. The idea that I should go out and tell the same jokes no matter who is out there seems silly to me.

I think it's part of a comic's job to read a room and respond appropriately. (I'm talking about picking which jokes to use, not changing your existing material.) To me, it's a good challenge to figure out which of my jokes will work best in that room at that moment for that crowd. I don't feel like that's not being myself. Every joke I tell represents some side of myself. It's just a question of which side I want to show at that moment. And which side I think will do best.

And I don't think bombing is cool. I think bombing is failing. The idea that you just stick with the ship even if it's sinking doesn't feel right to me. I think the audience is always teaching you. If you just keep spitting jokes at them no matter what, you're ignoring the lesson they're giving you. If shit's not working, I'd rather abandon my set, riff, and live in the reality of that moment than just be tone-deaf and plow through with jokes that no one in the room cares about.

Romantic comedies are to women what porn is to men

Ladies hate it when guys watch porn. They say it gives us false expectations about women. That's true. But the same thing is true with women and romantic comedies. A lot of false expectations. Girls want the fairy tale. Guys want a different kind of tail. Either way, we're all watching movies filled with stuff that will NEVER happen.

In romantic comedies, profession doesn't matter at all. A hooker can marry a tycoon. That never happens in reality. In porn, profession doesn't matter...but in a completely different way: The people who get laid the most are 1) pool cleaners and 2) pizza delivery boys. Good luck with that fellas.

In romantic comedies, luck means everything. A guy will chase through the entire city of New York looking for the one $5 bill with her phone number on it because it's serendipity (which we remember since it's a fun word to say). In porn, luck NEVER matters. Every woman will have sex with any man she meets because it's bukake (which we remember since it's a fun word to say). See, they even use the same tools.

In romantic comedies, girlfriends love to get together and sing Motown oldies into a hairbrush. In porn...well, I don't even know what the equivalent is in porn. Probably something completely different with girlfriends and a hairbrush. Anyway, it's something that never happens for real.

So enough with the fairy tales. What we need to do is come together. What we need is romantic porn. How that would go: Instead of the maid marrying the mayor, she's gonna hook up with the pizza delivery guy. Now that could happen. The cast: Renee Zellwegger and Ron Jeremy...because both are equally unappealing to the opposite gender. (I know, ladies...ewwww. But now you know how we feel every time Bridget Jones is on TNT.) And I've even got a name for this flick: "Serendip-it-into-me." Either that or "He's Just Not That Inside You." Or maybe "My Big Fat Greek Dick."

The live performer’s divided brain

Dick Cavett talks about not remembering what just happened on stage: [via JK]

A worried Johnny Carson once admitted to me that he frequently couldn’t remember what was said on a show he had just finished taping. And, sometimes, who the guests were. It’s a strange thing, and one I haven’t quite figured out.

Johnny all but wiped his brow when I told him it happened to me too, and that a few days earlier I got home and it took me a good 10 minutes to be able to report with whom I had just done 90 minutes. (It was only Lucille Ball!) It’s an oddity peculiar to the live performer’s divided brain that needs exploring. It has to do with the fact that you — and the “you” that performs — are not identical.

Reminds me of a set I did a few weeks back. I got thrown up last minute at a very fun Taint Comedy Great show (a quarterly show run by Chesley Calloway). Crowd was hopping. I had a few drinks in me already. Just got up and ripped it with a completely filthy, over the top, fun set.

Not sure whether it was the drinks, the limited prep time, or what, but I remember getting off stage after killing and feeling like, "What just happened?" I couldn't even remember what jokes I had told (other than every blue joke I have). I riffed on the room a lot but couldn't remember what I actually said. It was all a blur. I'm looking forward to getting a tape of the set just so I can see exactly what happened.

Reminds me of what Mihály Csíkszentmihályi calls flow.

Flow is the mental state of operation in which the person is fully immersed in what he or she is doing by a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity.

Look at the components of flow and they're all right there in a great standup set:

1. Clear goals (expectations and rules are discernible and goals are attainable and align appropriately with one's skill set and abilities).
2. Concentrating and focusing, a high degree of concentration on a limited field of attention (a person engaged in the activity will have the opportunity to focus and to delve deeply into it).
3. A loss of the feeling of self-consciousness, the merging of action and awareness.
4. Distorted sense of time, one's subjective experience of time is altered.
5. Direct and immediate feedback (successes and failures in the course of the activity are apparent, so that behavior can be adjusted as needed).
6. Balance between ability level and challenge (the activity is neither too easy nor too difficult).
7. A sense of personal control over the situation or activity.
8. The activity is intrinsically rewarding, so there is an effortlessness of action.
9. People become absorbed in their activity, and focus of awareness is narrowed down to the activity itself, action awareness merging.

I think getting into that state is one of the best things about standup or any creative activity. It transports you. It's kind of a holy thing. Just touching a moment like that can sustain you through weeks or even months of shitty shows.

"The live performer’s divided brain" is something Steve Martin talks about in his book too. He discusses how your mouth is saying one thing while your brain is already somewhere else.

My most persistent memory of stand-up is of my mouth being in the present and my mind being in the future: the mouth speaking the line, the boy delivering the gesture, while the mind looks back, observing, analyzing, judging, worrying, and then deciding when and what to say next.

With the brain that occupied, it must be tough for it to also remember what's going on.

Great photos from the 1 Year Anniversary Show of We're All Friends Here

Photographer Mindy Tucker took some amazing photos at the 1 Year Anniversary Show for We're All Friends Here. It was a blast...I think this first one pretty much sums it up:


Sean Patton realizing the dirt we dug up on him.


Hannibal Burress had a great set as always.


Dan Goodman dishes the dirt on white trash chicks.


Mark loves The Racist Hat.


Your lovely hosts.

Great shots, huh? There are more too. Mindy also does neat headshots. More info at her site.

Think Tank: Interrupted

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The evolution from clever to truth teller

For the sake of argument, let's say there are two types of comedians: 1) jokey/clever/one-liner/short-bits comics and 2) truth teller/storyteller/extended bits comics. The question: Do you have to pass through an extended phase where you're a #1 before you can become a #2? Most of the people who you'd categorize as #2 started off as #1 at some point. Even Carlin and Pryor were a lot "jokier" when they started out. Maybe you need to build up your "how do I make this funny" chops before you can tackle heavier topics?

Or maybe it's more a question of age/maturity? (i.e. Who wants to hear a young guy without a lot of life experience throw down as a "truth teller"?)

Lately, I've been shying away from clever, one-liner, a-ha/gotcha stuff in favor of trying to build longer bits. I'm going after things that have more depth and genuine meaning to me than, say, a misdirection joke about a subject that I don't really care about.

Maybe that's a backwards approach though. Maybe the way you get to the deeper #2 bits is by chipping away at the clever #1 jokes. Myq Kaplan and I were discussing via email...

Myq:

question, do you still write short punchy things when they occur to you?
if not, i would question that a bit
i imagine you wouldn't censor your thoughts, as i don't when i write
but then it certainly makes sense to pick and choose what you try to develop actively, on or off stage
so
i imagine i support what you're doing
but you never know when a good punchy line might complement a longer shit-beating rant, as well
most of my longer stuff started as shorter stuffs

Me:

yeah, i write shorter bits when they come to me, and often use them on twitter.

but i rarely work on 'em onstage. why? here's what i've been thinking...even if i get a laugh, it feels kinda hollow. it's not what i got into comedy for. like those comics who do all misdirection jokes. it just feels like card tricks to me. i want to get to a deeper, more truthful level. have a point, not just "that was clever." i don't begrudge others who do that, just the direction that feels right to me.

but lately i'm wondering if i got too dogmatic about that...agree there's a hybrid way of doing it. i like the idea of working in shorter one-liners into longer bits that have a point...maybe i should get on the short joke train and then let them stretch out over time (if it's meant to be.)

Myq:

louis CK did ridiculous, absurd jokes for years and years, and he was a genius at That, long before he started doing what he's doing now
birbiglia's first album was full of awesome one-liners for the most part, he was a master at the short joke, the short set, the late night show, and now after years of being great at that, he's doing what he's doing
i don't remember exactly, but i think one of stanhope's DVDs had an appearance of him doing one of his earliest sets as a teenager maybe, and i'm sure it didn't have the resounding gravitas that he does now

it's not that you get more truthy with age, but all these guys became hilarious comedians first before they became great truth-tellers
not to say that's the only route...

you don't have to choose between being a one-liner comic and a truth-telling comic
and you know that
(obviously there's the evidence of all the guys that can do both
and the ones that don't fall into either category... what is attell?
he certainly doesn't often have Great truths of substance
but he's not just a misdirection comic, for sure
he's brilliant
like CK was as well before he started telling "the truth")

So how was that classic rock festival?

Aw man. This whole thing inspired by a conversation at a party last weekend. Came up in a totally organic way when a Who song came on. Next morning I wrote it all up and was quite pleased with myself. Then showed it to someone else and they mentioned The Animaniacs already hit it. And in a VERY similar way. Oh well. Here it is anyway. At least the second half stuff wasn't covered by those ANIMALS. Chalk it up to parallel thinking. And it was still fun to deconstruct the original bit and closely examine what made it tick.

One: So how was that classic rock festival?
Two: Great stuff. The Who played first, The Band played second, Yes played third.
One: Who played first?
Two: Right.
One: I mean the band's name.
Two: The Who.
One: The band that played first.
Two: The Who.
One: The opener.
Two: The Who.
One: The first band on stage...
Two: The Who was the first band on stage.
One: I'm asking you who played first.
Two: That's the first band's name.
One: The Who's name?
Two: Right.
One: Well go ahead and tell me.
Two: That's it.
One: The Who?
Two: Correct.

PAUSE

One: Look, there was an opening band, right?
Two: Correct.
One: Who were they?
Two: That's right.
One: When they paid the band, who got the money?
Two: Every dollar of it.
One: The Who got the money?
Two: Absolutely.
One: Look, don't make me guess who.
Two: The Guess Who had to cancel.

PAUSE

One: Come on now. All I want to know is the name of the band that played first.
Two: No, The Band played second.
One: I'm not asking you who played second.
Two: The Who played first.
One: One band at a time!
Two: Well, don't change the order around.
One: I'm not changing the order.
Two: Take it easy, buddy.
One: I'm only asking you who is the band that played first.
Two: That's right.
One: OK.
Two: Alright.
One: The band that played first?
Two: No, The Band played second.
One: I'm not asking you who played second.
Two: The Who played first.
One: [Sarcastic] Oh sure. Yes.
Two: They played third, we're not talking about them.
One: How did I get to the third band?
Two: You mentioned their name.
One: Who did I say played third?
Two: No, The Who played first.
One: The band that played first was...?
Two: The Band was second. This is going in circles!
One: Yes.
Two: They played third.
One: There I go, back to the third band. PAUSE Let's just stay on the third band.
Two: OK, what do you want to know about them?
One: Who played third?
Two: Why do you insist on saying The Who was the third band?
One: What was the band I said went third?
Two: No, The Band played second.
One: Who was the band that played second?
Two: The Who played first. Are you sure you even care about this?
One: Yes.
[Together]: They played third.

PAUSE

One: Look, was there a headliner?
Two: Sure.
One: Who was the headliner?
Two: U2.
One: Did someone else already ask you this?
Two: Nope, you're the first.
One: Then tell me who was the headliner?
Two: The Who was the opener.
One: Forget about the opener! I want to know the band that headlined.
Two: No, The Band played second.
One: I'm not asking you who played second.
Two: The Who played first.
One: This is crazy.
Two: Yes.
[Together]: They played third.

PAUSE

One: The headliner's name?
Two: U2.
One: [sarcastic] A-ha. I see.
Two: A-ha? They played the second stage.

PAUSE

One: Look, did you have a favorite band that played?
Two: Sure.
One: Your favorite band's name?
Two: Boston.
One: You don't want to tell me here?
Two: I'm telling you here.
One: Then go ahead.
Two: Boston.
One: Where in the city?
Two: Where in the city what?
One: Where in the city are you going to tell me who your favorite band was?
Two: Now listen. The Who is NOT my favorite band.
One: I just want to know the band's name.
Two: The Band played second. Are you even listening?
One: Yes.
[Together]: They played third.

PAUSE

One: Did the second stage have a headliner?
Two: Certainly.
One: And the headliner was?
Two: Chicago. They were great.
One: So you really liked Boston and Chicago.
Two: Now you've got it.
One: I didn't know you were such a traveller. PAUSE Look, Let's say I'm in iTunes and I want to listen to the first band that you saw. Whose name do I start typing?
Two: Absolutely.
One: Who?
Two: Absolutely.
One: So I start typing "absolutely"?
Two: No, you don't. You start typing "Who."
One: So if I make a playlist with all the bands you saw at this festival, I'd start with The Who. After The Who, I'd put a song by The Band. After the band, there'd be a song by Yes. After Yes, we'd have U2. And there'd be some Boston and some Chicago. You know what? This is madness.
Two: This is what?
One: I said madness.
Two: C'mon, I hate ska!

Kumail's out, Hannibal's in

Update on tonight's We're All Friends Here show: Kumail's out and Hannibal's in! Let's do this.

"We're All Friends Here" podcast featuring Donald Glover, Kent Haines, and Andy Haynes

Now available: The latest "We're All Friends Here" podcast featuring Donald Glover, Kent Haines, and Andy Haynes. Listen here.

And the big 1 year anniversary show is tomorrow (Fri) night. Details.

Gotta input to output

Author David Sedaris in "Here's The Kicker":

I also became a reader around this time, which is so important for a writer. If I read a story in The Atlantic, I would be in a daze afterward. It just meant so much to me. When I later taught writing at the Art Institute, I could very easily spot the students who never read. Their stories would be shit. I would point to their work and then to a published work. I’d ask, “Do you see a difference between these two things?” A lot of students couldn’t see the difference. For them, there was no hope…

I feel similarly about standup. You've got to be a fan to be great at it. I see a lot of aspiring comics at mics and I don't think they really love watching great standup. Maybe they like talking into a mic, but I don't get the feeling they go to shows, listen to albums, obsess over why the greats are great, etc. I don't sense they love this guy or hate that guy or watch YouTube clips or soak in what else is out there.

I feel like you've got to be at least a bit of a student to really excel at any artform. That doesn't mean you should drown in the ideas of others or ape someone else's style. Just saying if ya never input great standup, it's gonna be tough to output it.

Think Tank: Dawkins

Watch more "Think Tank" episodes.

So this is how hot girls feel

A busboy comes out with a pizza. He's looking around frantically trying to figure out who ordered the pizza. And then he locks eyes with me. And I realize what's going on after a second and I'm like, "Oh no." And I shake my head. And then I look down at my feet. And then I shuffle away.

And I realized that's how hot girls feel all the time. It's like every guy they meet is trying to offer them a pizza they didn't order. You SURE you didn't order this? Well, are you hungry? Because I have a truck out back with 2,000 more pizzas. I'm all backed up with pizza. Please!?

So guys, imagine what it must feel like if every time you made eye contact with someone they offered you a pizza. At first, you'd be, "Oh great, I like pizza!" But soon it would start to get weird: "You're my cab driver, why are you even offering me pizza? And where would I eat it?" Eventually you'd get fed up. "Listen, I'm just trying to get to work. I don't want a pizza" And then they'd go, "Bitch." "I just didn't want pizza." "Well, maybe you shouldn't have dressed like you wanted pizza then." Which is true if you're wearing a shirt that says, "Offer me pizza. My Daddy didn't love me." You shouldn't do that.
Ah, beauty. What are you gonna do with that? Stare at it, I guess...and then cry.

The margaritas at Rodeo Bar are strong

(L to R) Girl in blue shirt, Mark Normand, me, guy in green jacket, Mara Herron, and Matt Maragno after Matt and Margie Kment's "Now We're Talking" show at Rodeo Bar last Wednesday. I believe Mark is looking for his contact lens, which fell in that girl's ass crack.

How a few Jersey girls stole $3,200 from Greg Giraldo's audience last night

Went to see Greg Giraldo at Gotham Comedy Club last night. I'm a big fan. (Seeing him do a Monday night spot at UCB's Crash Test years ago when I first moved to NYC was a revelatory moment for me. He was like a whipsmart tornado onstage. One of the things that inspired me to try standup even.) Seen him a couple of times since and enjoyed it, but always shorter spots, never a headlining set.

So I was psyched. But the show was a bummer. The crowd was really disengaged. Giraldo even commented on it about 15 minutes in. "I just don't feel like I'm connecting with you guys and I don't know why." I knew why. Or at least a big part of why. It was two tables of Jerseyites sitting 10 feet away. Specifically, three of the girls there who just kept talking throughout the whole fucking show. Texting and looking at their phones and then showing each other what was on their phones. After 35 minutes they got up as a group and left. Huzzah. But then they returned again...and went on to be even more distracting.

Giraldo certainly wasn't terrible or anything. He plowed through and did a solid set. But eventually he just gave up on it when one of them screamed out "It's Tim's birthday." The silly part: Giraldo was setting up a bit about how stupid it is that people expect singing at restaurants and other special treatment on their birthdays. Giraldo couldn't even believe it and pointed out how people like that are exactly the problem he's talking about.

He then finished the bit and one of the girls yelled out something else. His response: "Fuck it, what did you say? I've already given up. I'm just going to marinade in my failure after this anyway so let's talk about whatever the fuck you want to talk about." And then of course the girls shut up. And so he just shat on them. Erupting in a tirade about what "twats" they were and showering them with expletives in a really cruel but funny way. It was pretty fucking great. The crowd loved it. It felt like the whole show had been building up to that moment of them getting their comeuppance.

After returning to his set, there was one more funny comment about the whole thing. Giraldo finished a joke, took a pause, and sighed. The room was dead silent. He goes, "So NOW you're all going to be fucking quiet!? Now, when I've got nothing to say??? You talked throughout every fucking joke so I cut all my bits in half because I couldn't even focus and NOW you shut the fuck up?" Pretty damn hilarious.

I'm used to dealing with shit like this onstage but it was weird being an audience member and watching it all go down. All I wanted was for someone to shut these girls up. I was praying for Giraldo to notice them and shut them down. Or for a bouncer to go over and ask them to keep it down. I even considered passing them a "please be quiet" note at one point but figured that might just make it worse.

They really destroyed the show. And it wasn't a cheap show either. Between tickets and the two drink min, most people there spent at least $40. And there was like 200 people there. That's $8,000. I'd say we only got 60% of the value of a normal Giraldo show. If you're willing to make the leap (and do the math), these girls destroyed $3,200 worth of show. They stole $3,200 from the other people in that room. Crazy. Something like that would never happen at a play. But I guess the fragility of comedy is also a big part of what makes it so great when it's working.

One other thing too. The featuring comic, Jesse Joyce, had a decent set. He didn't address the crowd at all except for one moment when they yelled something out in the middle of a joke. At least Giraldo could break it down and get real with the audience and call the moment. He admitted that shit was going wrong. A headliner can do that. When you're featuring or MCing, you don't get to take chances as much. Imagine if Joyce had done that and turned the whole room sour. Giraldo would have been pissed as hell, I imagine.

Anyway, strange night. And I don't hold it against Giraldo. Still think he's great. Apparently, he'll be taping a new special in June so that will be good to see. Been too long since his last album. (Makes what those girls did even worse since he's probably working hard on getting material ready for that.) Anyway, he's a guy who should be getting more than he does.

We're All Friends Here: The 1 Year Anniversary Show

One week from Friday. We're bringing back three of our fave guests from year one:

* Kumail Nanjiani (Jimmy Kimmel Live)
* Sean Patton (Just for Laughs)
* Dan Goodman (Best We're All Friends Here interview ever!)

Plus another special surprise guest too.

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE:
THE 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY SHOW
The comedy chat show with boundary issues
Hosted by Matt Ruby and Mark Normand
FREE
Friday, May 15
9pm @ The Creek
10-93 Jackson Ave at 49th Ave
Long Island City, NY
Map
Just one subway stop from Brooklyn and Manhattan

If show producers told the truth, it'd sound like this...

What if show producers were upfront and told the truth to comics they don't want to book? Mark and I were talking about it and came up with this...

Thanks for asking about the show. I'll keep you in mind. Please note that if I do book you, it might not be right away. No need to keep following up. You're on the radar.

I'd like to be honest with you though. I'm extremely picky and I turn down the majority of people who ask to be on the show. If you wind up not getting booked, here's the most likely reason: It's not clear to me that you're funny enough. I know that makes me sound like a dick, but I take pride in putting on a top notch show. If someone comes out and deflates the room, it's a real blow to the show. So unless I know that you consistently kill, I probably won't put you up.

I get why this is annoying. I'm a comic too. I also hustle for spots on other shows and know what a hassle it is to get stage time. In fact, there are plenty of shows that I want to do but can't get booked on. The way I take it: I just need to get better so I reach a point where someone feels silly for not booking me.

A good show producer's priority isn't making other comics happy, it's putting on a great show. Part of that is saying no. The best shows are great because they have tough booking policies. There's a reason why it's hard for people to get a spot on, say, Whiplash — the producer won't put up people who might jeopardize the show. It's also why you have to be "passed" at the best comedy clubs — it's on the club if you fuck up. It can be annoying for comics, but it's usually a very good thing for audiences.

At this point, maybe you're saying one of these:

"I'm funnier than ______ and you had them on the show."
That's your opinion. I might disagree. And if I do agree, maybe it was a mistake. It happens. But I always try to book the best mix of people at each show that we can. Also, I might have reasons for putting someone up that aren't clear to you but make sense to me.

"I booked you on my show so you should have me on yours."
I don't believe in spot swapping. I'm really happy you had me on your show but I don't do straight up trades for spots. I know other people do this but it's just not how I run my show. Sorry.

"But I'm your friend, come on!"
Some of my closest comedy pals are people I haven't booked on the show yet. It's not a popularity or friendship thing. So please understand and still be friendly. I'll do the same. I'm just trying to put on a good show, not piss you off.

"I come to the show all the time though."
Thank you, I love ya for that. But like the spot swapping thing, I'm also not into giving spots out to people just because they show up.

Just to say it again: I really appreciate your friendship, booking me on your show, and/or coming to the show. It's totally not a personal thing. PLEASE continue being my friend, booking me, and coming to the show. (Unless you really hate me. Then do what ya like.)

But I hope you at least appreciate where I'm coming from and the honesty of this response. I know other show producers who either 1) never respond to emails at all or 2) hide out from other comics in order to avoid confrontation. I don't want to be like that so that's where this is all coming from. Cool? I hope so.

And keep in mind this isn't a forever no. It's a right now no. The best way to change my mind: Start killing. All the time. If you're not at that level yet, then keep working harder. Write all the time. Do mics all the time. Become so funny that other people start talking about you.

If you're consistently hilarious and everyone knows it, booking you becomes a no-brainer. (Realize that might take months or years of hard work though.) When you get to that level of funniness, I'll definitely reconsider. Thanks for understanding and good luck.

If you're a show producer and you want to use this text or any part of it, feel free. (If you do repost any part of it online, please link back to Sandpaper Suit.)

Think Tank: Inuit

Trying to sound foreign

I get annoyed when people go to a foreign country and come back acting like they're actually from that place. "We spent a week in BarTHalona. And then a couple of days in THaragoTHa." Sorry pal, you're American and you THound like an aTHole, comprendé? The matador outfit ain't helping either. Same goes for Americans who say "cheers" instead of thank you. You don't sound British, you sound like a big Ted Danson fan. And if you call me "mate," we better be 1) in Australia or 2) hoisting a mainsail.

The ins and outs of hosting

I recently saw a host who started threatening a guy in the front row. The guy didn't play along with some questions so the MC started "joking" about how he was going to kick the guy's ass and sleep with his girlfriend. I'm fine with playfully roasting crowd members (Sean Donnelly is one MC who does a great job and does that all the time), but when it's physical threats and "really, I'm going to fuck your girlfriend" stuff, it bums me out. I sat there thinking, "This is why so many people who come to comedy shows don't want to sit up front."

I've actually been hosting a bunch lately. In the past month, I've MC'd at RG Daniels and Erik Bergstrom's Sunday Night Standup at Three of Cups, Dan Mahoney and Gabe Pacheco's Haiku show at Jeollado, and Chesley Calloway and Sean Patton's CSL show at Kabin. (All really fun shows, a big thanks to those guys for having me.) And then there's We're All Friends Here of course.

I really dig hosting. With a normal NYC-length set (8-12 minutes), you're in and out. Just when you feel like you get to know the crowd, it's time to go. When hosting, you can take a little more time to feel out the room. You get to come back throughout the night and build up a vibe with the crowd. And it's fun to riff off whatever the last comic was talking about or do crowdwork with people that you've actually gotten to know a little bit.

And I amuse myself by playing a game where I search my brain for any older bit I have that relates to something the comic onstage is talking about. Then I try to segue into it in a non-bitty way. It's a good way to bring dormant jokes back to life. Sometimes you realize there's more bite there than you thought.

Last night I did Harrison Greenbaum and Sam Morril's Don't Touch the Foot show at Sage Theater. It's always hosted by Baratunde Thurston. I've seen Baratunde host a couple of times now and I think he's really great at it. He's a funny guy but what I think he really excels at is the not-funny part of hosting. He gets the crowd to feel like a unit instead of individuals. He's really conversational. He finds out who people are, where they're from, how they found the show, etc. but without doing it in an annoying way. He really builds up the energy before intro'ing each comic and gets the crowd to applaud and make noise without badgering them too much.

And he did a really key thing last night: He got a sparse, spread out room of people to all get up and move to the front couple of rows so it felt more like a cohesive crowd. A little thing like that can really make or break a show.

To be a great MC, you have to be a bit selfless. Instead of putting yourself first, you need to put the show first. Like I've said before, hosting a show is like hosting a party. When you host a party, you don't always have the most fun. You have to worry about the music, getting people drinks, intro'ing strangers, and making sure there's a good energy going on. But all that work is what enables everybody else to feel welcome and have a good time.

Related: Comedy Feng Shui: 10 things that ruin comedy shows

Upcoming NYC shows: Rodeo Bar, The Lilac, Joe Franklin's, etc.

Where you can see me perform in the next month...
4/30 10pm - Don't Touch The Foot @ Sage Theater
5/01 7pm - Otto’s Shrunken Head
5/03 7pm - All Cities Tourney @ Fontana’s
5/06 8pm - Rodeo Bar
5/08 10pm - 80 Minutes ’Til the Weekend @ Joe Franklin’s
5/09 9pm - Jokes Ahoy! @ The Lilac
5/12 9pm - Baby Hole @ The Lamp Post (Jersey City, NJ)
5/13 8pm - Shrink @ Otto’s Shrunken Head
5/15 9pm - *** WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE @ THE CREEK *** (LIC)
5/16 9pm - Jokes Ahoy! @ The Lilac
5/19 7pm - Comedy Showdown @ Ochi’s Lounge (Comix)
5/21 9pm - Jerk Practice @ Parkside Lounge
5/30 9pm - Jokes Ahoy! @ The Lilac

Info on those Lilac shows:

Recent Twitter favorites

Follow me at Twitter and you'll get musings like these...

If I was a DJ, my DJ name would be Brass Tacks. And my flyers would say "Let's get down to Brass Tacks."

Darwinism fail: The most attractive people are NOT having the most children. (source: me after a weekend of tot-related events)

Please, no more jokes about 1) pagers and 2) 401k meaning $401,000. We GET it.

Audience etiquette card on the tables at Laugh Riot at the Hyatt show in Bethesda http://twitpic.com/405jc - good idea.

My sister has leopard skin wallpaper in her bathroom. We are a CLASSY family. http://twitpic.com/3x10a

I am hosting a show in the back of a sushi bar tonight. I guarantee you it will be raw.

Heavy drinkers hate New Year's Eve cuz it's "amateur night." Shouldn't stoners feel the same way about 4/20? And when is shroomer's day?

Wanna offend an indie rock snob? Misprounounce the name of The MC5 as if it's a McDonald's product: "My favorite band ever is The McFive!"

I don't care who your favorite Beatle is. As long as your least favorite Beatle is Paul. What a dick.

Jews are good at banking b/c Christians felt it was a dirty job. Hating 'em for it is like hating Mexicans for being good at washing dishes.

I don't understand people who get offended. If someone is wrong, they're stupid. Just ignore 'em. If someone is right, well, they're right.

I think astrology is for silly people. Do you really think everyone born within the same month as you has identical personality traits!?

I think the anarchist movement would go a lot further if it had a strong leader.

My dad hates everything

My dad doesn't do comedy. But he does do this great character that I call The Improv Complainer. The world throws out a random suggestion and whatever it is, he complains about it.

I spent last weekend with him and my sister. During a drive, I took notes on his various complaints about the options on satellite radio, etc. It went like this:

My sister mentions John Mayer, who's on the radio. My dad: "Who's John Mayer?" Sis: "He dated Jennifer Aniston." Dad: "It certainly didn't do much for his singing."

My sister changes the station. Now a recent Bob Dylan track is playing. My dad loves Bob Dylan. Dad: "Do you have any country?" Me: "Dad, this is Bob Dylan." Dad, realizing it's true: "It's not one of his best."

My sis switches to Howard Stern, who is interviewing Jerry O'Connell. O'Connell says, "I told my wife if she gets another dog, I'm leaving." My dad: "Sounds like a good deal for his wife." Keep in mind he has no idea who Jerry O'Connell is.

We pass a California Pizza Kitchen. My dad: "California pizza!? California pizza is THE WORST."

My sister switches to a hip-hop station. Dad: "How can they call this music?"

Dad: "Matt, did you see Ken Burns' jazz documentary?" Me: "No, how was it?" Dad: "Pretty good but not perfect. Too much about new jazz, not enough about old. He should have had more about Scott Joplin."

My sister switches to the "rock and blues" station. Dad: "Rock and blues? There's no chemistry between the two." Take that Eric Clapton!

That was all within a ten minute span. And the truth is my dad doesn't even like music. Or pizza. He's just constantly on the complaint warpath. (Hmm, a character that complains a lot onstage. I should totally explore that, eh?)

Also, he reminded me of this: He's a real neat freak. When I was a kid, he would constantly make sure that I washed my hands and brushed my teeth. I remember being young when Marvin Gaye's father shot Marvin Gaye. I asked my dad, "Why did Marvin Gaye's father kill him?" My dad's answer, without missing a beat: "Because he wouldn't brush his teeth."

Think Tank: Futon

Jesse Thorn and On the Media hosts discuss Jon Stewart's immunity to criticism

In a recent episode of The Sound of Young America, Jesse Thorn interviewed Brooke Gladstone and Bob Garfield, the hosts of On the Media, a media criticism show on NPR.

Around 22:30 in to the interview, Jesse and Brooke have an exchange on The Daily Show that echoes the thoughts of my post "Jon Stewart should stop using comedy as a shield."

Thorn: As wonderful a media critic as Jon Stewart is, he seems very disinterested in bearing the burden of responsibility for anything he says — and in fact insists against all questioning that all he's trying to do is be funny and that's it, forever and ever amen.

Gladstone: Right. This is true, of course. He has created a wonderfully convenient out for himself.

(Gladstone then claims that Stewart has been backing away from this stand, but Thorn disagrees with her.)

Good to see I'm not the only one feeling this way. Just to be clear, everyone in the interview loves Stewart and The Daily Show — and I do too. This isn't about do you like Jon Stewart, it's about whether it's ok for him to deflect all criticism with his "but I'm just a clown" excuse. It's awfully convenient to point fingers for a living and then argue that you're immune from the same kinda treatment. In my book, if ya give it, ya gotta be willing to take it.

Picking a tape to use

Now that everyone watches standup clips online, the 5-10 minute tape that used to be standard fare feels a bit passé. The reason: Long online videos don't really get watched. Maybe by a show booker but not by normal people. That's why you see Comedy Central and others breaking online clips into 1-3 minute chunks. Just one bit or a few quick jokes. Anything longer overshoots the attention span of online viewers.

Still, you need a tape of a longer set for bookers, contests, etc. The best two recent tapes I have are from a few months back and recently I asked Mike Drucker's opinion (because he is very smart and very funny) on which one I should use. I thought his feedback was interesting so, with his permission, I'm sharing it here. (Unless you're a glutton for my standup, no need to watch both sets. The commentary about tapes in general is why I'm sharing this.)

Me to Mike:

hey MD-

need an expert opinion. i have two sets that are both decent and i'm wondering which one i should use as my goto tape.

i think this one is better (hot crowd, tight set). mark says this one is loose and more "the real Ruby."

hate to waste 20 mins of your day, but if you're willing to watch both and let me know which you think is better to send to show bookers, etc., i'd really appreciate it.

Mike's reply:

Matt,

Here's the deal with the videos.

Normally, I'd say the one you like more is better. Louder laughs longer pauses for laughs, which is great.

BUT I like the look of the other video more. The first video looks a little squashed and too bright and the angle is a bit weird. I think the Karma one has a much more complimentary look for you and feels much more professional-looking.

So comedically, I'd go with the Broadway one. True, the Karma one is a little more your style (and both are great, make no mistake), the Broadway one is just louder and more powerful on the laughs.

However, as far as professional look goes, I would learn towards Karma. It really feels shot well and you look better in it, the curtain looks better in it, and the angle feels more "pro club tape" than the Broadway one, all of which which may make you ultimately seem more professional.

Does that help at all?

Mike

Yes, it did help. I was so caught up in the audience reaction and my delivery that I wasn't even really thinking about the overall production quality of the tape. (Gotta get my head out of my own asshole sometimes, ya know?)

Also, it took a bunch of views of the first one before I noticed I say "oh boy" after a few different jokes. Some sorta weird nervous tick that I didn't catch at first. Weird that. Been watching out for it since.

Anyway, may be a moot point now since I had a hot set the other week in Chicago and it was filmed. A copy is on the way and my fingers are crossed it came out well. I think I've progressed since the above tapes were shot so it'll be nice to have one which shows that.

(P.S. That Karma tape, the one that's shot well, was filmed at the New Young Comedians show. A big shout out to Aalap, Chelsea, and Matteson for running a great show and hooking performers up with quality tapes too. The next one is actually tonight, Friday, at 8pm at Karma. Details/tickets here if you're interested.)

Photos of me from SXSW '09

Hey, I was The Honey Shot over at The Apiary today. Here's the photo:

Apiary caption: "Matt Ruby performs at SXSW 2009 | Photo: fuzuoko"

Man, I hated those silly wristbands. There are more of fuzuoko's SXSW photos at Flickr, including this one:

The cover shot of next month's Smug Illustrated?

And in case ya missed, this video I made goes behind the scenes at the comedy shows at SXSW 2009 (and some rock stuff too).

"We're All Friends Here" podcast featuring Rory Scovel, Ali Wong, and David Cope

Now available: The latest "We're All Friends Here" podcast featuring Rory Scovel, Ali Wong, and David Cope. Listen here.

Marc Maron mocks the way comedians laugh

Left: Marc Maron performing at "Punch Up Your Life!" (Pete Holmes and Jessi Klein's new show) last night.

This was right after a funny moment where Maron started mocking the way comedians laugh. To paraphrase: "See, that's all the comedians in the back laughing. You can tell because they don't actually laugh. They're too jaded. So they just kinda make a noise ('Aaaaaah') that shows they approve."

Guilty as charged. Actually, I don't even make a sound usually. If I think something's well written, it'll get a smirk out of me. But for real laughs, it's usually gotta be a riff or random aside or something I just didn't see coming at all.

Think Tank: Beach

It's the debut of Think Tank, the new web series from Mark and I. We're gonna try and post a new one every week. Stay tuned.

The invented foil in "Everything's amazing, nobody's happy"

You know that Louis CK on Conan "Everything's amazing, nobody's happy" piece that's taken off? Turns out the guy he's mocking in the joke is actually CK himself. [thx JW]

You know what's interesting about that clip to me? It's really about me, it's not about other people. Like the story I tell Conan about the guy sitting next to me on the airplane when the Internet shuts down suddenly, and he says, "This is bulls---," and I go,"How can you be angry? People owe you something that existed a minute ago?" There wasn't anybody next to me on the plane, that was me. People don't talk to me on airplanes. [Laughs] Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

The fact is, I was really upset that the Internet shut down. I was livid. Then I caught myself — wait a minute, what are you upset about? This was incredible that it was possible even. It was like an epiphany to me, I started seeing things differently. "Take a breath and calm down, this is as good as they make these right now. This is as good as it is, and it's pretty goddamn great." And the same thing with the planes, they're hurling tons of metal with people in it all over the earth, all day, every day, 24 hours a day, safely. It's because these people are dedicated geniuses that we're all landing safely but somehow it doesn't make us happy. Too bad.

Interesting that he changed the perspective that way. The rage he feels is what makes the bit sing. It'd be a totally different joke if he said, "I'm an idiot because I felt..."

Also noteworthy that the original incident was years ago. Sometimes jokes come in a flash and sometimes they take months/years of marinading before they hit. I just finished the ending to a bit that I first started doing over two years ago. I had no idea where to take it back then. After a long period of subconscious stewing, helpful advice from others, and plain 'ol getting better at standup, I think it's finally there. Better late than never.

Audience member gets sick of personal material

Email exchange with Mark after a recent show...

Me:

my friend who likes comedy was there. interesting to hear his take on the night. he said my set was diff than other comics 'cuz i was the only one who "didn't just talk about his own asshole all night." funny to hear that. we always hear "be more personal" but to this guy it was a turnoff that people just talked about their own lives and nothing else. maybe there's something to the idea that mixing observational and personal is a nicer blend than going all one or the other.

Mark:

I totally agree with your friend. I mean, somewhat. I hate when comics just go up and talk about themselves. I think it can be great but you've gotta talk abt the world around you. to me that's the point of doing comedy. If I talk about myself I try to make it super relatable. When I say my gf had a pregnancy scare that is to set up a joke about babies, not my life.

Tomorrow (Fri) at We're All Friends Here: Glover, Haines, and Haynes

THIS FRIDAY @ 8PM
WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE
The comedy chat show with boundary issues!
Hosted by Matt Ruby and Mark Normand

Guests:
Donald Glover (30 Rock, Derrick)
Kent Haines (Philly's Funniest Winner)
Andy Haynes (Last Comic Standing, semifinalist Seattle International
Comedy Competition)

Friday, April 17
8pm @ The Creek
10-93 Jackson Ave at 49th Ave
Long Island City, NY
Map
Just one subway stop from Brooklyn and Manhattan

The fascination with hecklers

This video where I deal with an audience member who yells "fuck you" at me was posted back in November and has been viewed almost 24,000 times (way more than any of my other YouTube clips). Seems like people love the tension that comes when a comic and a heckler go at each other.



This thread at AST has some interesting talk about hecklers, the difference between them and talkers, and some interesting videos of comics dealing with hecklers.

As I've mentioned here before, I really like Paul F. Tompkins' advice on hecklers:

What took me forever to learn was that you have to give these people enough rope to either hang themselves or show that they are not actually a threat. It's worth talking to hecklers to see if they are just goons who are trying to ruin your set or if they are just enthusiastic folks who want to get in on the fun. Talking to them lets the audience know what they're all about, so if you need to take them out, you will definitely have the audience on your side. If they're simply nice people who don't realize they're committing a faux pas — and believe me, most people have no idea that it's not good to yell stuff out at shows — you can get some comedy out of it and gently let them know that their input is no longer required.

That mentality is part of why I actually stopped during the "fuck you" set and asked the guy why he's yelling. I wanted to know what was going on and see if there was something fun there. And that's what made the whole thing really soar.

(I think having an actual foil in the crowd amped up my energy level too and really helped sell the whole thing. Good lesson there too. Maybe I should start imagining there's an "enemy" in the crowd for more of my bits.)

Some interesting bits from that AST thread: AmericasMobileDevice talks about how smart clubs deal with potential problems in the crowd by seating them near the back:

Last time I was up in San Francisco watching a show at The Punchline a group of birthday girls were in line for the show. The guy seating at them was on top of it and sat them in the back close to the door. When I asked a friend about it he said they do that on purpose. That way if the girls get loud they can intervene without having to go through the crowd and if they ask them to leave it will be a short walk. I get the feeling most clubs don't take that proactive stance and I respect the Punchline for doing it.

A non-comic asks, "If I ever grow balls and do standup I think I will just say, 'You guys are embarrassing me, please stop' when I am heckled." Louis CK responds with this:

I usually respond sincerely to hecklers. It doesn't happen to me very often but when someone yells something out, I usually grind the show to a halt, focus on them, and I say very seriously "It really makes it hard for me to do the show when you talk. will you please stop?" They usually get very very embarassed and stop talking.

I really like your approach, though, of admitting your own weakness to them, that it's making you feel embarassed. I think anytime you're being honest, it's a good thing. I don't agree with the other comment that it's a grave mistake to let them know they have power over your feelings. I think that's an unique and very compelling approach.

And bryan_champ posts this video of Chicago comic Ken Barnard doing a great job handling some drunks in the front row. I love how he mocks them yet still keeps them on his side. It's worth checking out.

Easter-theme window display at shop in Boy's Town in Chicago

Did a show at Town Hall Pub in Chicago last night which is in Boy's Town, gay area of Chicago. A block away was a clothing store with this Easter-theme window display:



I think what I like most about it is the subtlety. Did I mention the carrot moves up and down slowly too? Only way this could be more over the top is if they added a banner that says, "What would Jesus fuck?"

I've also been thinking about the gay mafia lately and wondering what they leave in the enemy's bed. A horse's head? Too messy. They probably just leave sheets with an extremely low thread count. And a note that says, "Sleep on that, bitches!"

Upcoming shows in Chicago, NYC, and DC area

Upcoming appearances:

Apr 10 9:00pm Lincoln Lodge Comedy Show (Chicago IL)
Apr 13 8:00pm Zanie’s (Chicago IL)
Apr 14 8:00pm Switzerland Neutral Comedy @ Stain Bar (Brooklyn NY)
Apr 15 8:00pm Extra Fancy @ Bowery Electric (New York NY)
Apr 17 8:00pm WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE @ THE CREEK(Long Island City NY)
Apr 22 8:00pm Haiku @ Jeollado (New York NY)
Apr 23 8:00pm Topaz Bar & Hotel (Washington, D.C.)
Apr 25 10:30pm Arlington Drafthouse (Arlington, VA)

Video: My first urban show in Harlem

Alternative comedy often seems like it's just for rich, white, college educated people. Kinda lame that. That's why I was psyched to do my first urban show in Harlem on Monday night. (I've performed at a smaller one in Brooklyn and some mixed crowd shows before — but nothing like this.) Packed house, 95% black. Very no bullshit crowd. You knew exactly where you stood at all times.

Man, that situation makes you hyperaware. And joke selection becomes huge too. You go through every line and throw out anything that relies on a reference to, say, Jews, Renee Zellwegger, or Philip Glass. And you better hit 'em hard and fast. This ain't no place for wandering or rambling. (Reference point: The host is doing act outs about how uncircumcised dicks look like they're wearing hoodies.)

Now, we all know that in comedy you're supposed to open and close strong. I decided to go the opposite route. Well, they decided that really. But ya live and learn. Though tense, it was really fun. Felt like a real standup experience. Bring it or get the fuck out, ya know?

Here's video of the set along with some 20/20 hindsight annotations. Watch the whole thing to find out why I almost got punched on my way out!



Host went up afterwards and said he expected to find me with a blow dart in my neck! Ha. The good news: He also dug my set, invited me to do it again, and said to not sweat the threat. Can't wait to go back. (Seriously.)

Heck of a subway spill

It's always exciting when you're on a packed subway car during morning rush hour and you spot an empty seat. But then you remember there's usually a reason why a seat is empty.

The other day this happened and on the seat were half-eaten chicken wings and a bottle of Aunt Jemima maple syrup...just spilling all over the seat. Like there was some guy going "What's the most disgusting combination of things I can leave here? Well, I'm out of bull semen and Crazy Glue, so I guess this combo is just gonna have to do!"

Wings and syrup, what a way for this guy to start the day. I know you're not supposed to miss breakfast...but I think the most important meal of the day is any one that you don't eat on the subway.

Come to think of it, an NYC subway stew sounds like a good idea. I think it'd include chicken wings, maple syrup, nail clippings, a rat, a condom, a rat inside a condom, and Jerry Orbach's eyes.

Gaffigan's path to success and doing topic-driven material

Listen to Jim Gaffigan on the "Comedy And Everything Else" podcast (hosted by Jimmy Dore, Todd Glass, and Stefane Zamorano).

GREAT interview. Especially good stuff starts around 60 minutes in. Fascinating discussion then about Gaffigan's path in comedy. No idea he used to do characters, political stuff, impressions, biographical stuff about his dad, etc. (He stopped doing political stuff because he thought he looked too Republican and too much "like someone's boss" to get away with it.)

Also talks about doing topic driven material and the challenges of that. His inner voice thing gets some play too. And great stories from the old days. I love imagining him and Greg Giraldo sitting around talking comedy and discussing their biggest influences (Dave Attell and Brian Regan). It's def worth checking out.

A Gaffiganesque experiment
Btw, a few months back I did a little experiment where, inspired by Gaffigan, I attacked a single topic (potatoes) for five minutes. It was pretty dumb (and prob too much of a rip off) so I never did it after that, but you can get the flavor in this video.

I also had a few more jokes on top of that and did it as a complete set at a few mics. It didn't feel right to me for above reasons, but I did notice something interesting. When you stick with a mundane topic for that long, THAT becomes the joke. That I was still talking about potatoes was funny.

Maybe kinda obvious in retrospect but surprised me at the time how much mileage I got in a room just from that. It was like a stunt to keep going on the same topic and people who would normally not give a shit would tune in to see what angle I'd come up with next. They'd even shout out different kinds of potatoes to talk about. (Usually au gratin for some reason.) There was definitely a sense of momentum and rhythm to it.

Fun playing with a topic like this as a concept, but it was also nice to move on. My heart just isn't into talking about something I don't really give a shit about for that long.

When good words go bad

Sometimes things come out of your mouth wrong. It's a good way to ruin a joke. But it can also lead to some fun riffing opportunities. Here's a recent set at an open mic where I got tripped up on the phrase "malignant tumor."



One of those times where ya have to see opportunity instead of crisis. Fun example of this is Paul F. Tompkins riffing on "Spangwish" during his "Sesame Street" bit on Impersonal. Gaffigan also has a fun one on "Doing My Time" where his inner voice character mocks him for slurring his words ("I think he's drunk").

Dating a comedian must suck

Caught Greg Giraldo doing a show in the LES the other week and he mentioned onstage that he's getting divorced. Got me thinking about the failure rate of comedians in relationships. (And also how few comics I know are even able to get in a relationship at all.)

A big part of the problem has gotta be the whole time factor of doing standup. For pros, being on the road a lot has gotta be tough. I've heard in interviews people like PFT and Birbigs talk about how they like their current NYC "residencies" (at Best Week Ever and Sleepwalk With Me respectively) because it lets them spend less time on the road and gives 'em more QT with the fiancé/wife. My recollection is hazy, but I think Jim Gaffigan and Brian Regan have also discussed how they try to not be on the road for too long because it takes them away from the family.

Even if you're not at that level, it's still hard. You're out every/most nights of the week at bars and getting home late. That's not the healthiest foundation. Clearly you need someone who really supports you in what you're trying to do and understands the game and how it works. You could bring your signif other to shows, but how much comedy can you subject someone to before it turns into a punishment? (Then again, someone who never goes to see you perform seems like a problem too.) Bringing someone to an open mic is just plain cruel — unless you've got some sort of S&M thing going on and the whip ain't cutting it anymore.

For a certain type of comic, you also have to add on the whole telling the truth thing. (I don't think this applies to a comic who does clever one-liners or observational stuff.) People who really open up onstage might not be able to turn that off in their personal life. I'd imagine that'd be a pretty tiresome quality in some ways.

And even if it's just onstage that they're brutally honest or say unpleasant things, that's still gotta be a tough thing for a spouse/gf/bf to handle. I'm thinking about bits I've heard done by certain guys who fit this description. Giraldo talked about doing blow with a hooker and how awful marriage is. Daniel Tosh talked about getting a stripper in Kansas City pregnant. CK talked about how terrible it was to listen to his wife (at the time) tell stories and how, without her, he'd wind up living alone under a bridge like a troll...and how nice that would be. Chris Rock talked about getting caught cheating and how new pussy "always clears your mind." Howard Stern...well, what hasn't Howard talked about on air?

I know, I know...they're joking. These are jokes. And the stage should be the one place where you don't have to answer to anyone else. And a signif other should understand that a comic who wants to be personal but edits him/herself on sensitive topics is hamstrung. You might understand that, but still...

Imagine being married to one of those guys. How would it feel listening to those bits? Having your friends hear your husband tell those jokes? Would any of those guys be fine with it if the person they loved got up on a stage and discussed stuff like that in public? Is that just something you've gotta accept when you decide to be with that type of person?

And then you have someone like Dave Chappelle who's totally open about everything but almost never mentions his wife or being married on his albums/specials. Maybe that's an even weirder thing...to not be mentioned at all.

I got no answers here. Just thinking.

Anyway, I guess a comic could always try dating another comic instead of a civilian. But Jesus, who the fuck wants to date a comedian? I guess that's the problem right there.

Comic Strip Live lottery and getting "discovered"

Here was the scene at the Comic Strip Live lottery last night. They're going to "find the next Eddie Murphy or Jerry Seinfeld in this group." Good luck with that Comic Strip Live.

Random draw determined dates. How it works: Everyone gets a five minute spot on a Tuesday 11pm show where the owners will watch them perform and give feedback. I guess the best get a callback to do another spot. And then maybe they get passed. Mine's on October 20. Viva advance planning! Talent ranged from people who have never done comedy at all to people who have been on Comedy Central.

Oh, and by the way, you get the date of your spot on the back of a flyer promoting CSL's bringer show. Just in case you wanna, you know. The cynic in me is looking for the angle here: Is it just a marketing stunt? A way to promote bringer shows? A way to get people to bring friends to a Tuesday, 11pm slot that would normally be empty? Or maybe they sincerely are looking for new talent to bring into the room? If so, how come they're the only club in NYC that actually seems to reach out to people in this way? Hmm.

I got a late number and had to stay the entire time. Man, I hated the scene. I hate cattle call stuff like that. 200 comics in one room ain't a pretty site. Neuroses overload. As Mark said, like pigs in a trough.

Funny how everyone thinks they just need a break. They just need to be seen by one person. They just need a manager. They just need to get on this one contest. They just need this or that and then their career will take off. I was there too so I'm throwing glass stones or whatever...but what happened to just being hilarious? You know, being funny every time you perform until it gets to the point where people want to book you on shows or whatever because they know you'll make the audience happy. I know, that takes a while. But this "American Idol" notion that ya just need to be discovered doesn't feel healthy. Seems like it's often the refuge of people who are lazy or delusional.

Anyway, after that I did a spot. First time on stage since Saturday (I was out of town). Felt rusty. Funny how just a few days off can do that to ya. Show was rather strange too. I went up first. Crowd was six comics in front and then the audience in back...and by audience, I mean a table of four senior citizens and a couple of gals in the back row, one of whom would yell out stuff like "You sure talk a lot." And "I came here to laugh." And "It's ok, I like you."

Great. Tried to do some crowdwork upfront but nothing. That's when she yelled out "I came here to laugh." So I went to material. Got some laughs along the way but whole thing was a letdown. One of those nights where ya leave feeling "I shoulda done something different but I don't know what." Anyway, the night got even worse for comics (surprise: she started talking even more!) so I guess I should be thankful.

Upcoming shows: CSL, Night of No Bullshit, Extra Fancy, Haiku, etc.

Apr 01 - 9pm Comedy Show @ O’Hanlons
Apr 02 - 9pm Comedy as a Second Language @ Kabin
Apr 04 - 7pm Night of No Bullshit @ Parkside Lounge
Apr 06 - 9pm Comedy Dungeon @ Jazz on the Park
Apr 14 - 8pm Switzerland Neutral Comedy @ Stain Bar
Apr 15 - 8pm Extra Fancy @ Bowery Electric
Apr 17 - 8pm *** WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE @ THE CREEK ***
Apr 22 - 8pm Haiku @ Jeollado

Want to book me on a show? Write me at matt@mruby.com.

"Jumping for Joy" podcast appearance

Listen here or search "Jumping for Joy" at iTunes. Details:

Zachary Sims and Mark Normand sit down with Matt Ruby to discuss the South by Southwest festival in Austin, annoying things on the subway, and how to dress like a gentleman.

Finally, Mark and I get to do a podcast together! This one was really fun. I actually like doing podcasts a lot because it's more free-flowing than being onstage. You can still be funny but without feeling like you've gotta hit a punchline every 10 seconds.