Sometimes musicians shouldn't explain their lyrics

Sometimes musicians shouldn't explain their lyrics. Case in point: Singer/Guitarist Nick Young from the band A.i. (a band that appears to be targeted at mildly retarded teenage girls). Here he discusses the meaning behind the songs on the band's album Sex & Robots.

His description of the song "C'mon C'mon":

Just because you have an amazing one-night-stand with someone doesn't always mean you want to have breakfast with them the morning after. The bass line in the beginning always reminds me of revving up your motorcycle, hitting the road solo, and leaving her draped under the white sheets like a crime scene.

Isn't he dreamy?

And here he is on the song "Don't Run":

I believe that there's a spot in a girls mind, just like on her body, that when properly stimulated, results in a divine awakening. George Lucas couldn't have said it any better when Luke Skywalker used the force to blow up the Death Star by shooting his laser beam into a tiny hole.

Yes, that George Lucas really does know what women like.

Friday = WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE with Cantrell, Kumail, and more!

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE
Friday, July 11 at 8pm
FREE!
The Creek
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY

FEATURING:
Rob Cantrell
Kumail Ali
Jacqueline Novak
Dan St. Germaine

Comics do some standup and then hosts Matt Ruby and Mark Normand ask them inappropriate questions. Viva boundary issues!

The Creek is just one stop from Manhattan (7 train) or Brooklyn (G train). And there's a sweet outdoor patio for post-show drinking too. Map to The Creek.

P.S. Next Flying Carpet will be Sun, Aug 10 at Rififi.

Birbigs' new show "Sleepwalk with Me"

Tonight at UCB: MIKE BIRBIGLIA: 80 Minutes of New Comedy (sold out but there will be a stand-by line).

Saw it last week and it was really great. I think Birbig is an amazing craftsman and what's even more impressive is how effortless he makes it all seem. He just has that natural, friendly, "aw shucks" vibe down so well. Talk about likability.

It's a long show but genuinely riveting and funny the entire time. Check out this interview to hear him discuss how his narrative, storytelling-based style lets him hold an audience's attention longer than straight standup.

He's digging deeper and deeper too. Getting more confessional and opening up real scars from his past (and present). He talks about failed relationships, his health issues, etc. There's even a "life lesson" at the end! Like on a very special episode of "The Facts of Life" but not quite as cheesy.

It's neat to watch a performer of his caliber evolve and get both better and braver onstage. So go if you can.

Eating it at Friar's Club roast thing

The other week I went on an audition for some Friar's Club roast contest. I didn't really take it very seriously and just prepared a few jokes on The Pussycat Dolls. (We could choose any pop culture icon to skewer.) For example:

People give the Pussycat Dolls a hard time, but I think they're really attractive for transvestites.

Ladies: Al Gore wants to talk to you after the roast. He says your hairspray usage just tripled the hole in the ozone layer.

My fave PD song: Don't cha wish your girlfriend had VD like me?

And now they're breaking into TV too. I really love their show too, you know, "Deadliest Catch." Who knew crabs could get that big?

Yeah, pretty dumb. I know.

So I show up at Gotham at noon one day and it's actually a legit audition with like 20 people in the room (no idea who they were). Richard Belzer — in a snazzy suit and accompanied by a cute, little dog — and two other people I don't know are judging.

The guy running it tells me to "talk to the chair." I start and I'm talking to the chair on the side of the stage for most of the time when I realize there's a chair right in the middle of the room that says "subject here" and then I'm like, "Shit, which chair?" And I'm bombing because these jokes aren't actually funny. It wasn't pretty. At least the whole thing was done in 2 minutes.

Belzer said he didn't really know anything about The Pussycat Dolls since he's old. Another judge said it was a bad choice since the winner gets to roast Matt Lauer and Katie Couric will be there. And they said i seemed nervous and the material was predictable, etc. I said thanks and shuffled off.

Sooooo, looks like I won't get to roast Matt Lauer. But don't worry, my heart will go on!

What to do when you get stuck

In this post, I talked about the idea of continually speaking onstage and letting your subconscious take the lead. The Storytelling FAQ advises a similar technique for when you get stuck:

If you get stuck, keep going. Don't frown, curse, stop, or apologise. Simply describe details of sounds, colours, smells, clothes, atmosphere etc. to play for time - this is also a psychological trick because it stimulates your imagination and mental images, and keeps your energy up, which is the best way to trigger your memory.

Or stay silent and still engaged with people's eyes and they'll think it's a dramatic pause, as you let inspiration return (don't look at the floor to remember). Nobody but you knows what you were going to say, so they will never spot your departures from it - there are no 'mistakes'. New improvised details or observations can be gems to keep in for next time.

The site also encourages giving people a real chance to applaud when you're done:

Take time to finish. Look at people, smile, and listen to their applause - do not run away or gesture to dismiss it, the applause is their chance to give you something back, and the instinctive hiding gestures that most people fall into appear as a little insulting. Accept that they liked it!

"I Have The Bumper"

Suggestion: Put it back on. And/or remove the quotation marks around "I Have The Bumper."

Johnny Carson on the most important thing in comedy: likability

"Likability" is a track from "Johnny Carson On Comedy." In it, Johnny talks about what he thinks is the most important thing for a comedian to be successful: The audience has to dig him as a person.

The most important thing to me in comedy is the empathy that you have to have for the performer. I think this is the greatest thing that a performer can have if he's going to be successful: an empathy with the audience. They have to like him. And if they like the performer, then you've got 80% of it made...

And if you don't have that, it's damn difficult to get the audience on your side. If they resent you or they don't feel any empathy with you or they can't relate to you as a human being, it gets awfully difficult to get laughs...

There may be funnier men in the world, who may be quicker on the ad-lib or can say funnier natural things in a given moment. But I still feel the most important thing is the likability, the rapport, that indefinable thing that, you don't learn it, you don't study for it, you don't take a course in it, it's either there in the individual or it's not.

That to me is the most important thing when I see a comic performing on a stage. You can tell very quickly whether the audience likes them. Not so much what they're saying but how they say it, how they relate to the audience.

Great reminder on how writing good material is just part of the battle.

Incidentally, I recently watched "When Stand Up Stood Out" (documentary about the Boston comedy scene in the 80's) and it was amazing how much power Carson had over comedy back in those days. He was the kingmaker. All those guys were just begging for a shot to get on his show. Make it on Carson and you get huge. If you don't, you're stuck where you are forever. Talk about a logjam.

Mildly interesting "Live at Gotham" anecdotes

I heard a couple of interesting notes about the last round of tapings at "Live at Gotham" (the Comedy Central show that gives a lot of up and coming comics their first shot at a tv spot).

1. One of the high-profile hosts had such a bad opening set that he had to come out and do another set at the end of the show just so they could get something usable.

2. At least one comic had the club do a check drop on him while he was doing his taping. I can't even imagine how annoying that must've been. Your big shot and they decide to drop the checks right then!? (Check drops always lead to chatter about the bills amongst audience members.) The club oughta know better. Sure, you can sweeten the laughs later but that's still gonna totally wreck the flow/timing for that comic.

And speaking of sweetened laughs, This always amuses me during televised standup: You hear a laugh track filled with laughter and applause right as the screen shows an audience shot of a completely emotionless room. I admire the balls of that.

MTV appearance

So I was on MTV this morning (details). They played a brief clip of me talking about the new No Age video during "FNMTV." I said it seems like the budget was just $100 which they spent at a party store. Not my fave quip that I did but, hey, at least it's something. Fingers crossed that my thoughts on Day 26's immaculately groomed facial hair or T.I.'s lackluster apartment make it on air later in the week. The show airs 8-11am and 4-5pm EST every weekday.

Video: Sal Monella from the Bronx

There's a tomato salmonella scare. But what if Sal Monella was actually just some guy from the Bronx? (A rainy day, 3 hours, and a bunch of cherry tomatoes led to this.)

Special primetime edition of Flying Carpet on SUNDAY (6/29) at 8pm

Huzzah, FLYING CARPET is back!

Come on out for a special primetime edition of Flying Carpet on SUNDAY (6/29) at 8pm.

The show will feature TIMMY WILLIAMS (from IFC's "Whitest Kids U Know").

And THREE comics fresh off appearances on Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham": DAN BOULGER appeared on "Live at Gotham" last season and before that won the Boston Comedy Festival. JARED LOGAN's appearance on Gotham just debuted and he was also named "Best Comedian" at the Chicago Comedy Awards. VINCE AVERILL's Comedy Central appearance airs in a couple of weeks and he's also appeared at the DC Comedy Festival.

Plus, we'll have JOHN KNEFEL who writes for the Huffington Post and is a member of the sketch group Bare Hand Wolf Chokers.

...and perhaps a special surprise guest!?

FLYING CARPET WITH MATT RUBY
Sunday, Jun 29
Doors at 7:30pm
Show at 8pm
$5
Rififi
332 E. 11th St. btwn 1st and 2nd Ave.

P.S. The next "We're All Friends Here" will be July 11 at The Creek. Stay tuned.

What it's like to do a talking head piece for MTV

I filmed a talking head piece for MTV on Tuesday. Like the comics on VH1's Best Week Ever, but talking about music videos. The bits, if used, will air next week at various times.

How it happened: A casting director with MTV wrote me last week and said I was recommended to her by another local comedian for a new show they're doing.

We are looking for comedians to do commentary on some of our MTV videos, very similar to how comedians comment on VH-1 Best Week Ever. We are looking for comedians who are good to come back throughout the summer and be our regulars on the show. Unfortunately its none paid, BUT the videos will be playing 8am-11am every morning, and the hour before TRL, hour after TRL and some evenings. So you'll get lots of exposure.

What comedian doesn't like exposure? I tell her I'm in and on Tuesday afternoon I went to the MTV studios.

The deal: The bits are for FNMTV. That's MTV's way of playing videos over the summer while, using picture-in-picture, random people (fans, bloggers, comedians, musicians, etc.) comment on those videos.

The gist of the comments is that you either love or hate the video and you give funny/creative reasons why (in 10 second or so bytes). You also get to answer a couple of random questions about the video or the artist.

Another comic (Joe Powers) and I were slated for the same time period. They brought us up to a conference room, had us fill out some paperwork, and then showed us three videos that will premiere on Friday night: T.I. (rapper), No Age ("experimental" rock), and Day 26 (P. Diddy's new boy band). We watched each video twice and took some notes.

Then they set the camera up and we were rolling. It was just a simple setup. One camera, no lights. (I think it's supposed to look kinda homemade.) Joe went first and did his bits on each video, one after another (and did a nice job). The guy running the show then would ask a few questions if there were missed topics he wanted Joe to address.

Then it was my turn. Some of my bits were def stupid, but I think at least a couple had legs. It's an odd situation: doing jokes off the top of your head in front of a camera that's three feet away and a roomful of about five people who don't really care all that much (they're filming a bunch of people so they've probably seen these videos, and similar comments, hundreds of time already). The good part of that was when you did get a laugh in the room, you felt you were actually onto something. Who knows what they'll leave in/out though.

The videos debut on Friday night and then the talking head comments will start airing on Monday and go through the week, I think. Other NYC comics are doing 'em too: Kumail, Sean Patton, Becky Ciletti, Chelsea White, Gabe Liedman, Jenny Slate, Mara Herron, and prob a bunch more that I don't know of.

The path according to George Carlin: Jester to Philospher to Poet

Everyone's remembering George Carlin these days. What I'll recall:

1) What a craftsman he was. A master at using words. Subtract the beef of his act and you still have all his little asides and clever wordplay stuff which are pretty amazing on their own. (Btw, here's what Seinfeld said about the way Carlin attacked a topic: "He was like a train hobo with a chicken bone. When he was done there was nothing left for anybody.")

2) The evolutionary leap he made when he transformed from nightclub act to freaky hippy guy, which was more truthful to himself. His audience abandoned him. It was a real risk. Ballsy move that.

3) How eloquent he was when he discussed comedy. You don't hear too many people talk about comedy as a real art form so it's nice when someone does. For example, here's Carlin on Charlie Rose (which somehow I missed on my collection of Charlie Rose comedian interviews).

And The Comic's Comic linked up his last interview which is really fascinating too. Below are some excerpts:

Carlin on inner-facing vs. outer-facing comedy (something discussed here recently):

Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it or not. Comedy can also be based on describing one’s inner self—doing anecdotes, talking about your own fears. Woody Allen taps into a lot of self-analysis in his comedy. But I don’t think these things are mutually exclusive. I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you’re talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject.

On being an older standup:

A 20-year-old has a limited amount of data they’ve experienced, either seeing or listening to the world. At 70 it’s a much richer storage area, the matrix inside is more textured, and has more contours to it. So, observations made by a 20-year-old are compared against a data set that is incomplete. Observations made by a 60-year-old are compared against a much richer data set. And the observations have more resonance, they’re richer.

On coming at things from a different angle:

I have a talent to amuse and I have a way of finding the joke, a way of expressing things through exaggeration, interesting images, whatever goes in, whatever the parts are that go into making these things work...I try to come in through the side door, the side window, to come in from a direction they’re not expecting, to see something in a different way. That's the job that I give myself. So, how can I talk about something eminently familiar to them, on my terms, in a new way, that engages their imagination?

On being an outsider:

I really have never felt like a participant, I’ve always felt like an observer. Always. I only identified this in retrospect, way after the fact, that I have been on the outside, and I don’t like being on the inside. I don’t like being in their world. I’ve never felt comfortable there; I don’t belong to that.

On jesters becoming poets/philosophers:

The jester makes jokes, he’s funny, he makes fun, he ridicules. But if his ridicules are based on sound ideas and thinking, then he can proceed to the second panel, which is the thinker—he called it the philosopher. The jester becomes the philosopher, and if he does these things with dazzling language that we marvel at, then he becomes a poet too. Then the jester can be a thinking jester who thinks poetically.

On the audience as a single organism:

You know, you get 2500 people, acting as a single organism: the audience is a single organism and it’s you and it. And to have that feeling of mastery up there—it’s an assertion of power: here I am, I have the microphone, you came here for this express purpose. You’re sitting not in tables at nightclubs with waiters and glasses, you’re seated all facing forward in order to enjoy this and here I am, and wait till you hear this! There’s nothing like it in my experience that I could aspire to. It has as much a payoff as writing, which has a big payoff.

On choosing not to belong:

I have maybe five phone numbers. I’m not in show business because I don’t have to go to the meetings, I’m just not a part of it, I don’t belong to it. When you “belong” to something. You want to think about that word, “belong.” People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don’t care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can’t quite pin down.

Good stuff. Also worth checking out: Todd Jackson posted this awesome voicemail that Carlin left him after a young Todd mailed George a package. Pretty fucking cool that he would do that. Reminds me of that phrase "Character is what we do when no one is watching."

Racists aren't very creative

Racists would be more persuasive if they weren't so stupid. I heard some guy refer to people from the Middle East as Sand N-words. Really, that's the smartest insult you can come up with? That's just something they have in that place (sand) plus the n-word, your insult for a different group of people. Way to show your superiority, guy! It's like saying, "That guy's Italian? Those damn Pasta Kikes!" Or "He's an eskimo...I hate those Snow Spics."

Nice discount

The chain: Barack Obama to Chris Rock to Ice Cube

The first time I ever saw Chris Rock live, a year ago when he dropped by Stand Up NY to workshop new material, he mentioned onstage that after he got done performing he was going to meet up with Barack Obama. He was pretty nonchalant about it (this was before Obama-mania had set in) and said he had no idea why Obama wanted to meet. But he seemed intrigued by the idea. That was it, then he moved on.

Fast forward a year and you've got Rock stumping for Obama and Obama even citing Rock in a speech: He credited Rock during his Father's Day speech speech about the black community and said, “Don’t get carried away with that eighth-grade graduation. You’re supposed to graduate from eighth grade.”

Obama mentioned he was riffing off of Rock's classic bit on how "niggas always want credit for some shit they supposed to do." (Of course, Obama didn't use the word "nigga.") The Rock bit:

You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want some credit for some shit they supposed to do. For some shit they just supposed to do: A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids."

You're supposed to, you dumb mothafucka. What are you talkin' about? What are you braggin' about? What kind of ignorant shit is that?

"I ain't never been to jail." What do you want, a cookie? You're not supposed to go to jail you low expectation having mothafucka.

Yeah, you've seen it before...but it's still a great bit (starts 2:10 in here):



[Warning: Wikipedia inspired rabbit hole ahead.] Actually, Rock backed off the bit a while ago saying he doesn't like the way actual racists embraced it. (Of course, he's not gonna stick with the same joke for a decade anyway.)

The controversy caused by Rock's constant use of the word nigga led him to remove the piece from his act. In a 60 Minutes interview, Rock said, "By the way, I've never done that joke again, ever, and I probably never will. 'Cause some people that were racist thought they had license to say nigger. So, I'm done with that routine."

Also interesting: In "Smart Mouth," Rock says the inspiration for the bit was the song "Us" by Ice Cube.

I stole more from Ice Cube than from any artist..."Niggas vs. Black People" is "Us" from Ice Cube's Death Certificate: "We will always sing the blues/Because all we talk about is hairstyles and tennis shoes." I took his song and made a joke out of it. My biggest joke is an Ice Cube album track.

Here's a sample of the lyrics to "Us":

You know us po niggas: nappy hair and big lips?
Four or five babies on your crotch
And you expect Uncle Sam to help us out?
We ain't nothin' but porchmonkeys
To the average bigot, redneck honky
You say comin' up is a must
But before we can come up, take a look at US

And one more cool bit from that article: Rock keeps an iPod that's all comedy and speeches.

I got a music iPod and a comedy iPod. One is all comedy and spoken word, every speech, Kennedy, Martin Luther King, whatever.

Q: When are you in the mood to listen to Winston Churchill?

When I'm on tour, when I'm getting ready. There's a lot of preachers in there, a lot of gospel stuff, a lot of stand-up. What I do, what a preacher does, what the president's doing, it's all the same -- you're picking your topic, and you're arguing your point. The president's trying to get an applause break; I'm trying to get a laugh. The preacher's trying to get an amen.

Definitely fits in with the way I saw Rock flesh out his bits. Read about that here:
How Chris Rock works out new material in a small club (3/27/07)
Chris Rock and I "share" a bill again (4/10/07)

Upcoming shows at Rififi, Beauty Bar, and Ochi's

The next Flying Carpet is Sunday, June 29th at Rififi at 8pm. More details soon. Other shows in the next week or so:

Sunday (6/22)
8:00pm
the night kitchen
@ RiFiFi
332 e. 11th b/w 1st & 2nd aves.
Gilad Foss hosts
Matt McCarthy!
Brent Sullivan!
Matt Ruby! and...
Chelsea Peretti!!

Sunday (6/22)
9:00pm
The Beauty Bar Show
With Vince Averill, Jesse Popp, and more.

Jun 25 at 9pm: Slumber Party @ Ochi’s Lounge

Jun 30 at 7pm: The Lighthouse: Special Edition @ Kenny’s Castaways

Gas mask duck

Police duck is cute and all but nothing says fun splash splash time like gas mask duck! He's even got an itsy bitsy AK-47 on him. How precious.



[Ducks via my nephew.]

NIck Cave on being a cartoon character

I heard musician Nick Cave interviewed the other day and he talked about his onstage persona. He said he considers himself "half cartoon character" when he performs.

It's probably a good way for comics to think too: Be half a cartoon character up there. Act the way a caricaturist would draw you...ridiculously exaggerated, yet still based on truth/recognizable as you.

Video: A fight breaks out at "The Kissing Booth" finale

A fight breaks out during my standup set at the final edition of "The Kissing Booth." Featuring Rob Gorden, Anthony Devito, Brandy Barber, Sara Jo Allocco, Katina Corrao, and myself.

Notes: My nose scratch was the cue to set it off. I kept saying "Colicchio" because it was the safe word in a Top Chef joke I told earlier. I wasn't crazy about the teabagging part but hey, all's fair in love and fake brawls.

I'll be on Comical Radio today

I'll be appearing on The Danny Lobell Show on Comical Radio today (Monday) at 1:30pm. You can listen online or on 87.9 FM in NYC.

Broadcast out of the heart of New York City, tune in to 87.9 FM Comical Radio Featuring the new generation of comedy talk radio. Hosted by Danny Lobell, Chris Iacono, Dave Kasten and Katy Olson. Featuring exclusvie interviews with top celebrity Stand-up comics like George Carlin, Chris Rock, Jackie Mason and more. Listen live every Friday from 1pm-3:30pm EST.

Let's see what happens.

WAFH Podcast Episode 1: Tom McCaffrey, Baron Vaughn, Sean Patton, and Brent Sullivan

Here's episode 1 of the the "We're All Friends Here" podcast. Click here to subscribe to the podcast feed.



Next WAFH is tomorrow (Fri) night.

Next "We're All Friends Here" on Friday and a podcast of the first one

Topics covered at the first "We're All Friends Here": manscaping, gay experiences, hair loss, penis size, masturbating with olive oil, tops vs. bottoms, and Adrien Brody.

And now it's time for another round...

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE
Friday, June 13 at 8pm
FREE!
The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY

FEATURING:
Becky Ciletti
Mike Drucker
Cassidy Henehan
Ben Kissel

Comics do some standup and then hosts Matt Ruby and Mark Normand ask them inappropriate questions. Viva boundary issues!

Download this podcast to hear highlights from the first "We're All Friends Here" featuring Baron Vaughn, Tom McCaffrey, Sean Patton, and Brent Sullivan.

And here's a quickie video clip from the show:

Avril: "I kicked her in the box"

Fun quotes from Avril Lavigne that are dying to be read out loud dramatically:

Avril: (on claims her skater-punk look is just a carefully planned image) Nobody tells me what to wear. Trust me. I'm a girl and I'm growing up. I wrote my first album when I was a 16-year-old skater who wore size 32 pants and hoodies. I was a tomboy. I had an older brother I looked up to, and I hung out with mostly guys. Now I'm into skirts. I'm growing up, I'm changing, I'm becoming a woman. That happens to girls - they become women.

Avril: (asked when the last time she had to smack someone down was) In a bar a few months ago. Some chick came up to me and got in my face and said something, so I kicked her in the box and shoved her. I don't go looking for fights, but if someone comes up to me and pushes me, I'm not going to take it.

I am so wanting to use the phrase "I kicked her in the box." Actually, let's Google it...

Oh yes, you knew it was gonna be good. But did you know it would be THIS good: Boxingscene.com: "girls kicking each other in the vag - what's that all about?" Best message board headline ever right there.

And here's the response from one poster:

I've heard on the grapevine that apparently this is a big "no no" as far as most girls go, that only really rough girls do it, and it's "not very nice".

So what's with that? How does it work? Why is it "not nice"? (I mean, I know it's NOT, but if I kicked a guy in the nuts I'd just think "I was a cunt for doing that", it wouldn't irreperably damage my psyche, you know?)

Once I saw two girls roughing each other up and they took turns to knee each other in the vag. I went over to break it up, but had to stop and turn away when I realised I'd got a hard on.

Then I read about Avril Lavigne getting her music slagged off by a girl in a club, so "I kicked her in the box". For a time I fantasised about being a girl so Avril Lavigne could kick me in the vag for it. Then I got a hard on.

Is this wrong?

Yes, this is wrong. Very, very wrong. And "not very nice" too.

Ira Glass offers tips on storytelling that apply to comedy too

Some notes from watching This American Life's Ira Glass talk about storytelling:

Constantly raise questions and answer them. Questions keep people intrigued.

One big tool is a moment of reflection, the point of the story. An anecdote that kills with no moment of reflection means nothing. Good stories flip back and forth between action and reflection.

The hard part is finding a decent story.

Throw out half of what you try: Abandoning crap is key.

You have to aggressively kill stuff to get to the good stuff. Things that are really good are because someone is being ruthless.

Failure is a huge part of success. If you're not failing all the time, you won't get super lucky.

Your taste is key. You need to know that your early work will fall short. You will fail. You need to do a huge volume of work. You have to turn out work on a regular basis. That's the only way to close the gap between your actual work and your ambitions.

Everything is more compelling when you talk like a human being instead of a broadcaster.

A story is like a conversation: You're telling the story of the other person (or you're interacting with other people) but you're also telling a little bit about yourself in the story.

The Millionaire Matchmaker on short guys

The Millionaire Matchmaker is a show about a witch woman who sets up millionaires in LA. In one episode, she tells her minions that it's ok if a rich guy is short because "A guy is never short when he's standing on his money!" Ah yes, it's like that old saying: "A man is never beating his wife, if he beats her with diamonds!"

Writing isn't always the answer

My theory: Good writers are usually analytical types and can have a tough time tapping into right-brain loosey goosey stuff. And it's that weirder side that can lead to captivating performances.

I was talking to another comic the other night about this. I think he is a really strong writer. But I said I'd like to see him be weirder onstage.

See, he's already got a kinda geeky persona and I think it'd endear him to audiences if he went even further with it.

His response was something like "I've got some far out jokes that I don't tell because I'm scared they're too weird. So maybe I'll try them."

I explained that I wasn't talking about weird jokes, I was talking about acting weird. Embracing silliness. Dressing funny, talking funny, moving funny, whatever.

I think he got where I'm coming from but I'm not sure. The thing is when you're a writer, you always think writing is the answer: "If I want to be weirder, I should write weirder jokes."

But sometimes there's only so far writing can take you. I wasn't talking to this comic about writing weirder, I was talking about acting weirder.

I mentioned Zach Galifianakis as an example. The beard, the illfitting polo shirts, the random temper tantrums, etc. They're all there for a reason. Zach is a brilliant writer. But he also acts and looks really funny too. Emo Phillips is another example of a great writer who looks and sounds kooky.

Standup is two trains: writing and performing. If you're not using both of them effectively, you're doing it with one hand tied behind your back.

I think Gordon Ramsay just threw up in his mouth a little bit

Tex-Mex and Chinese Food. What, no room for Italian in there? Best of all: The name of the place is "Food House."

Abandoned premises

Joke premises that never went anywhere...

Women who knit on the subway are the female equivalent of men who attend ComicCon: They are both publically admitting failure with the opposite gender. / People always say they tried gay stuff "one time at camp." Where are all these gay camps? I went to camp and no one ever hit on me. Now I've got a complex that I was a way ugly 10 year old. / I heard someone say the other day: "Fan fiction is kinda sad." Do we really need the "kinda" in there? That's like saying the Pope is "kinda religious."/ I know a girl who uses rhyming nicknames to describe people like Chatty Kathy and Skinny Minny. I'm trying to sell her on Asshole Fredasshole, but no luck yet. / The Grammys are music awards for people who don't actually like music. / "The Bachelor: London Calling" was a strange title since "London Calling" is a Clash song and The Clash doesn't really seem like a good fit for The Bachelor. It's like having "My Super Sweet 16: The Blowin' in the Wind edition." / I'm always amused by the "rockers" on American Idol. It's like watching the Disney version of Aerosmith. (Oh wait, Aerosmith IS the Disney version of Aerosmith now.) These guys are just barely dangerous. They are related to rock 'n roll in the same way Robitussin is related to heroin. / It's important to realize commercial success and artistic quality have little relationship to each other. / The problem with Passover: Too many questions. / Cottonelle has new ads that say "Be kind to your behind." It's the first time I've seen a toilet paper ad that actually mentions your ass in any way. My suggestion for the next one: "Cottonelle: Back that azz up!" / Times New Roman is for pussies.

Recap of Paul F. Tompkins late show on Saturday night at Comix

Paul F. Tompkins was delightful.

He opened with a good 10-12 minutes of riffing about the Meatpacking District (he thinks it's great because he loves cocaine!), the name Comix (the x lets you know you're in for a surprise!), and the odd makeup of the crowd (called out one table for looking like they couldn't get into the Sex and the City premiere).

The place was pretty packed but I was surprised that some of the audience seemed to have no idea who PFT was. I forget that some people just randomly show up at a comedy club on a Saturday night. One guy in the front row even fell asleep which PFT seemed to find extremely amusing. It was fun to watch him handle people talking in the crowd, going to the bathroom, and other shit like that.

He made a big deal of the fact that he was fucking around upfront and teased the audience about when he would start written material. When he eventually launched into it, he gave it a big Michael Buffer-like intro: "Ladies and gentlemen, HERE COMES THE MATERIAL!" Later on he said, "I must tell the stories on the piece of paper or else I will crumble to dust."

The material was all really solid. An extended bit on the Magic Castle was probably my fave. And he even bravely tackled a long bit about his mom's funeral. He intro'd it with a warning along the lines of: "When you hear the opening statement of this story, you will say, "I do not like where this is headed at all, if that is the beginning.' But wait until you see how i weave my magic!" And he pulled it off.

He even got a round of applause for his pinstriped suit and nice shoes after audience members yelled out some comments. I've never seen someone's outfit get a round of applause before.

The great thing about PFT: He's operating on multiple levels. There's this whole highbrow/lowbrow thing going on where he sounds like some snotty intellectual while also mocking people like that at the same time. There's something there for comedy snobs yet people who don't know shit about comedy can also enjoy it too.

And the musical way he changes up his voice and rhythms is really masterful too. He gets away with telling 5-10 minute stories because even when he's not telling a jokey joke, he's still funny. It's just there in his delivery. Like when says, "Oh, folks!" Just that and ya can't help but laugh. Impressive.

He came out after the show and shook some hands at the bar at Comix. I wasn't exactly sober and for some reason this is what I said to open our conversation: "I'd like to lavish some praise on you in a non-creepy way." He was a good sport but, hmm, is there anything more creepy than someone telling you they're not going to be creepy? Gotta work on my approach!

Related: Sarah Hayley recaps the early show at AST and says the crowd was weird at that one too:

Wow. That was...bizarre. I was at the 8:30 show tonight (Saturday) and the crowd was just awful. Paul was SO great, I had never seen his standup and it was a very funny set. However, this “jaded soccer mom”, as she proudly called herself, was a cunt and a half. The show was a bit slow to start, but not unfunny-- just mellow. Paul said he was going to start his rehearsed set soon (“getting to the paper”) and this whiny bitch shouts a minute later, “Do the paper!” First of all, shut up. Second of all, she was the only one in the room not enjoying the first part. Paul handled this moment, along with the other THREE times she yelled uncalled-for rude crap, like the pro that he is, and it became its own joke. She was still incredibly annoying the entire night though, and I couldn’t ignore her since I was sitting right there. She even admitted that she didn’t have any clue who Paul was. PFT! He’s PFT! How do you not know who he is? Seriously! Even if you just got dragged along to the show, you couldn’t have at least googled him? Christ. I was having trouble focusing on the show because I was so busy intensely loathing her. And then there were the two drunks up front, who ended up just being highly entertaining and great fodder for Paul’s improvising. So, to sum it up, fabulous show, god-awful crowd. I think from now on I’m sticking to Rififi and UCBT, I never want to go to another two-drink minimum club again.

I agree a non-clubby venue would be a nice, um, alternative next time.

June shows at Rififi, Comix, Creek/Cave, and Beauty Bar

Here's where you can catch me this month...

Jun 1 (8pm) Writer’s Room @ Rififi
Jun 13 (8pm) We’re All Friends Here @ The Creek and The Cave
Jun 17 (9pm) Don’t Touch Me There @ Ochi’s Lounge (Comix)
Jun 22 (9pm) Beauty Bar Show @ Beauty Bar
Jun 25 (9pm) Slumber Party @ Ochi’s Lounge (Comix)
Jun 29 (8pm) Flying Carpet @ Rififi

Upcoming dates always listed at my MySpace page.

"Use a tuner and you lose your ears"

I was at a café the other week and a mediocre singer-songwriter started to perform. In between each song, she would tune her guitar slowly and painfully. She even explained her lack of an electronic tuner by saying, "Use a tuner and you lose your ears." Um, yeah, but if you don't use a tuner, you lose your audience.

It's weird to hear a performer tell you they are purposefully doing something painful to you because it's good for them. "After this song, I'm going to stab you repeatedly...because it'll be really great for my triceps!" Great! Is there anything else that I, as an audience member, can do for you? Gee-sus.

Paul F. Tompkins on set structures, hecklers, being yourself onstage, etc.

I'm psyched to see one of my faves perform on Saturday night at Comix: Paul F. Tompkins. Below are some goodies from The Paul F. Tompkins Question and Answer Thread at aspecialthing.com.

PFT on how to structure a set:

Unfortunately, it IS best to close with something really funny. And to open with something really funny.

Ideally, whatever you open with establishes your sensibility. So even if you don't feel it is a blockbuster bit, try and pick something you feel is really "you". Then the crowd will decide if they want to go along with you or not. And it really is best to end on a high note. Even if only because it just feels better.

But also because if you have a limited amount of time, that last impression can mean a lot. Try and make sure you've got your timing down, so you know how much time you have after the light. Or ask the person in charge of the light to give you that light at a certain time so you can do that bit without rushing it. If it's a two minute bit, ask to be given a light when you have two or three minutes left. Then you can take your time with it.

Having said all that, do it the way you want to do it. There are no rules. My advice might make things a little easier for you, but it's your style and I haven't seen your material, so who am I to tell you what to do? The best way to learn how to structure your set is doing it a bunch of times and mixing things up if you feel they're not working to your satisfaction.

Dealing with hecklers:

When I first started, I had enormous difficulty dealing with hecklers. Any time anyone in the audience said anything, I instantly went on the attack, and in a rather inelegant fashion. I just tried to shut people down with insults. What took me forever to learn was that you have to give these people enough rope to either hang themselves or show that they are not actually a threat. It's worth talking to hecklers to see if they are just goons who are trying to ruin your set or if they are just enthusiastic folks who want to get in on the fun. Talking to them lets the audience know what they're all about, so if you need to take them out, you will definitely have the audience on your side. If they're simply nice people who don't realize they're committing a faux pas-- and believe me, most people have no idea that it's not good to yell stuff out at shows-- you can get some comedy out of it and gently let them know that their input is no longer required.

Why he loves Brian Regan:

A guy I absolutely love is Brian Regan. He may not be underrated per se, people do know him and his is respected, but I don't think he's respected ENOUGH. What Brian does is almost impossible-- to be hilarious and have the butt of the joke be HIMSELF 99% of the time. Comedy can be pretty much boiled down to making fun of stuff. It's a lot of finger-pointing. Like I do. So to make yourself the object of ridicule and be as funny as Brian is is pretty hard to pull off without being some milquetoast quasi-Christian comic. Any time his special comes on Comedy Central, I will watch it to its conclusion no matter when I happen to jump in.

What he does if someone else has a similar bit:

When something like that happens to me, I drop the bit. Even if I think my bit is better written and executed than the other bit with the same premise. I just hate the idea of me doing a bit that's similar to someone else's very specific bit. It's happened to me a few times, and I've dropped the bit even if I came up with it first. I think it's best to be able to say to yourself, "I can always write more material."

And in Paul F. Tompkins, Comedian (Gothamist), he talks about being himself onstage:

I want to be as much myself onstage as possible so that I can communicate to the audience the things that I find funny in the way that I find them funny. The challenge of stand up is, "How do I express this idea to the audience as closely as possible to the way that it made me laugh so that we're having the same experience."

Buy tickets for one of PFT's shows this weekend or get his album "Impersonal."

Video: Filthy, inappropriate Q&A at the debut of "We're All Friends Here"

Video of the debut edition of "We're All Friends Here," the new monthly standup/talkshow combo I'm cohosting with Mark Normand. This show featured Sean Patton, Baron Vaughn, Tom McCaffrey, and Brent Sullivan. It was filthy and a lot of fun. Lots of good stuff in the interviews too so maybe we'll do the whole thing as a podcast.

The next one is Friday, June 13 (8pm) at The Creek and The Cave and will feature Rob Cantrell, Becky Ciletti, and more.

McKibbin lofts and the problem with "artists"

This article about the artist-filled McKibbin lofts in Brooklyn says the hallways there are soaked in urine, people often play drums at 3 a.m., and the place is infested with bedbugs!

Yet check out this quote from an 18-year-old "poet" living there who gave his name as Eirehan Failte:

“Even when it’s really loud, it’s still better than some terrible stock-trading roommate listening to Fox in the next room.”

Really?! Is it? "Are you playing drums at 3am? Cool. Wait, are you trading stocks? Because capitalism keeps me awake!" Nothing's more annoying than a roommate who's got a job and can afford to pay the rent...how bourgeois.

And is Fox really that bad? If I was given a choice between watching Prison Break or having bedbugs, call me crazy, but I would take Prison Break. Even though bedbugs probably have a more realistic plotline. (At least there's no head bedbug who has a full body tattoo that includes hidden architecture blueprints of my bedroom.)

I can hear this kid talking about future roommates: "Yeah, my roommates are in Al Qaeda. But at least they don't like Coldplay!"

"My roommate's got the bird flu, but at least he doesn't care about the NASDAQ."

"Yeah, I live with Satan in the third circle of hell but it's cool since he really likes Donnie Darko...Yeah, I met him through Craigslist. Missed Connections. I put an ad on there that said, 'G train. 7:30pm. Wednesday. You: Red suit, horns, pitchfork. Me: Not intimidated.'"

More "so ghetto"

Joke I'm doing about the overuse of the word "ghetto" seems to have struck a nerve. Now others are suggesting ideas to me:

Our roof deck is SO GHETTO right now -- some of the willow fencing fell down and we have hardly any flowers, just some rosemary and lavender.

Another...

The floor mats on our Audi are SO GHETTO! We had them laundered, but they still have faint salt stains on them.

Rosemary and lavender = just like living in the projects!

Advice for indie musicians that applies to comedians too

So I make music too. Ruby Lament is my current music project. Before that I put out a solo record. Before that I played guitar and sang in a Chicago band called Plastics Hi-Fi (better than The White Stripes!?).

The solo record is sold at CD Baby which means I get emails from the site's creator, Derek Sivers. He gives lots of great advice to indie musicians about how to promote their music.

A lot of what he says makes sense for indie comedians too. Below are some of his recent posts at Sivers.org along with my "translations" for comedians.

Never have a limit on your income

if you make a living only providing an in-person (hands-on) service, you are limiting your income. If you were in a “while you sleep” business, there is no limit to how much you can make...Musicians MUST NOT buy into that “only earn by performing” belief because it limits your income.

Translated for comedians: If you're established, this would mean making money from selling albums or shirts. But for small timers, there's still a lesson here: Don't rely solely on stagetime to get known. Figure out ways for people to find out about you "while you sleep" via things like online videos, a blog, or a podcast.

If I had a record label, would you be signed to it?

To confidently invest in an artist (as a label), I’d want to see:

every song has been absolutely improved repeatedly - every note/syllable crafted to be the best it can be

live show is so entertaining that even a deaf person would enjoy it

artist has done this for a few years and still believes that this is their real calling in life, regardless of external rewards (or total lack of)

an unflappably healthy attitude to the immense amount of work it really takes to be successful at anything

Translated for comedians: Perfect your craft. Be hilarious every time you perform. Be undeniably good. Do crowds love you as much as they love Reggie Watts or Mulaney? If not, then why would you think you'll get to blow up like those guys? Expect to pay your dues. And don't get all negative 'cuz you're not getting great shows or you're barking or you're still doing open mics.

What’s really keeping you from where you need to be? (It’s not piracy.)

What’s really keeping you from where you need to be? (It’s not piracy.)

“Obscurity is your real enemy. Fight obscurity until you’re a household name, then piracy will be more of a problem than obscurity. Until then, worry about pigs, not sharks.”

The thing separating us from where we are and where we need to be is not piracy.

It’s always something more internal, whether writing, communicating, producing, networking, promoting, or taking a wildly different approach to marketing.

Putting so much attention and energy into fighting piracy (as if, when solved, you’ll suddenly start selling 10 times more) - is misguided effort, distracting you from what you really need to be improving.

Translated for comedians: Don't blame others for your lack of success. Look for internal solutions. Not getting booked on other people's shows? Start your own. Not getting laughs? Write better jokes. Etc.

Whatever scares you or excites you, go do it

Whatever scares you or excites you, go do it

I have some easy rule-of-thumbs to follow

whatever excites you, go do it
whatever scares you, go do it
every time you’re making a choice, one choice is the safe/comfortable choice - and one choice is the risky/uncomfortable choice. the risky/uncomfortable choice is the one that will teach you the most and make you grow the most, so that’s the one you should choose.

Translated for comedians: No translation needed.

Want more Sivers advice? Check out How to Call Attention to Your Music (PDF). There's lots to learn there for any indie performer (music, comedy, or whatever).

Topics covered at Friday's WAFH

Thanks to everyone who came out to the We're All Friends Here show on Friday. People loved it and we learned a lot about our guests (and ourselves).

Topics covered included:
-Pubic hair maintenance techniques
-Jerking off with olive oil
-What Adrien Brody was like in high school
-Receding hairlines
-Why black men have big dicks
-What white people don't get about being black
-Homosexual experiences
-Tops, bottoms, and versatiles
-Lots more

It really felt like a group therapy session. Except you felt like a pussy if you didn't reveal something way too personal.

Plus, there was The Coatrack of Offensiveness (featuring the racist hat, the sexist tie, and the anti-semitic scarf). This all gives new meaning to the phrase "You had to be there."

Next one is Friday, June 13 at 8pm at The Creek and The Cave. Yup, Friday the 13th. Scary.

Also: The last Flying Carpet was a hot one too with great comics, a dash of improv, 10 Things I Hate, and a search through attendee shopping bags. Next Flying Carpet is Sunday, June 29 at Rififi at 8pm. First Sunday one so let's see how it goes. 8pm slot is nice for the working folks too.

I'm Time Out NY's "Joke of the Week"

Here's the link for online version.

The debut of "We're All Friends Here" on Friday night

What the hell is going on here? I'm hosting another show now? Yes. It's true. Tomorrow (Friday) night. In Queens? Yes, Queens. "But I don't go to Queens." You do now. Long Island City. It's one stop from Manhattan (or Bklyn) so you'll get there quick. Just take the G or 7. You love those trains! It's a super cool venue: The Creek and The Cave. Cheap drinks. You like those. Outdoor patio for post-show hanging too. And the whole show is free.

I'm cohosting with one of my fave NYC comics: Mark Normand. He likes to say, "We're all friends here." So that's what we're calling the show. "Great, another standup show...who cares?" you say. Well hold on there cowgirl, this is a brand new bag. There are four standups who do sets and then the fun really starts: We sit each one down and grill 'em like a porterhouse at Peter Luger's. We're gonna ask really inappropriate questions too. 'Cuz one thing Mark and I have in common: boundary issues. So we're gonna get into the dirt. Like that Motley Crue autobiography. (Which is fantastic, btw.) Blushes guaranteed.

What will we talk about? Hint: One comic's gay, another one's black, and another one burnt his ballsack with a cigarette the other week and we're gonna show a video of that. Highbrow, baby, highbrow! Really this will be a grand 'ol time. And the comics are super too. Make your presence felt.

Here are the details...

PERFORMERS:
Baron Vaughn (http://www.myspace.com/baronvaughn)
Tom McCaffrey (http://www.tommccaffrey.net/)
Sean Patton (http://www.myspace.com/seanpatton)
Brent Sullivan (http://www.myspace.com/sully2106)

HOSTS:
Matt Ruby (http://www.sandpapersuit.com)
Mark Normand (http://www.myspace.com/heresmarkk)

SHOW INFO:
WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE
8pm on Friday, May 16, 2008
FREE!
The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY
Map: http://tinyurl.com/5psqlv

Video: Live at Comix

1) Butterfly. 2) Ghetto. 3) Nazi comic. 4) Too soon. 5) Music snobs. 6) Orbach.

10 things I hate: TravelZoo, RedEnvelope, Cute Overload, etc.

TravelZoo's ad campaign
"What's the deal with TravelZoo?" I don't know advertisement. Isn't that your job? I'm not looking for a homework assignment here. I'd like to see the other ads from this agency...a tourism ad: "Puerto Rico...Where is it?" A drug ad: "Valtrex...you know!" A beer ad: "Michelob...What do you think?"


RedEnvelope catalog
At the bottom of this catalog, it says, "How do you say, 'I love you'?" RedEnvelope, how did you know that this is EXACTLY how I say I love you?! I dump a barrell of rose petals on the bed, strip down to my boxers, and lift my girlfriend over my head while balancing her on my feet. Then we go into the hot tub, fill it with floating candles, and scrub each other with crystal loofahs while singing Feist songs to each other. 1, 2, 3, 4...


Cute animals on the internet
Sites like Cute Overload are porn for chicks. An adorable pug sitting on an Eames chair? That's ridiculous...especially since his legs can't even reach the ottoman. I think the whole thing is Photoshopped anyway. [I was gonna say, "What kind of prick would photoshop that?" But then I remember that I'm the one who made these.]


Guys who complain that there were no chicks at Comic Con
That's like complaining that there's no bacon at a Seder. Also, this is a 100% real conversation that I heard:

Guy #1: I was really disappointed there were no chicks at Comic Con this year.
Guy #2: Do you really want a chick who's into comic books?
Guy #1: Yeah! Do you know how much I'm dying to have a girl bring up Hawkeye in bed?
Guy #2: You're dying to have a girl bring a hot guy in bed?
Guy #1: Hawkeye! Hawkeye in bed.
Me: [Astounded silence.]


"Dealing with Difficult People" seminar
If you need to attend a seminar called "Dealing with Difficult People," then you're the difficult person.


Ridiculous fitness trends
Boot camp yoga? Yeah, 'cuz nothing creates the zen relaxation of yoga better than a drill seargant yelling at you. "I want a room full of downward facing dog poses and I want it NOW!"..."Where you from boy? Tennessee? There's only two kinds of yoga in Tennessee...Bikram and Vinyasa...and that don't look like Bikram to me! So you must be doing Vinyasa!" [Damn, you didn't see the Officer and a Gentleman reference coming now did ya?!]


Silly toilet reading material
What's the best way to show the world what a wealthy and smart businessman you are? A copy of Money Magazine on the toilet...obviously!

Also, I've never read "Money," but the promo headlines on the cover are some kind of generic: "Smart Moves in a Mean Economy," "The Two Things You Must Get Right," "Buy These Stocks (and Avoid These)," etc. Way to take a controversial stand Money Magazine! I'm guessing the inside headlines read like this: "Don't Buy Things That Suck." Or "Money is Good but Being Broke is Bad."


Tourists who return home acting like natives of where they went
A guy I know went to Spain and came back pronouncing everything like he was a Spaniard: "We spent a week in BarTHalona. And then a couple of days in THaragoTHa." Dude, you're American...you THound like an aTHole. Comprendé? And take off that matador suit while you're at it.


Ridiculously named reporters
I thought Storm Field had a ridiculous name but wow: The hip hop reporter for the New York Times is named "Mike Nizza." MIKE NIZZA!? I'm dying to meet him just so I can ask repeatedly, "Are you Mike Nizza?...ARE YOU MIKE NIZZA?" He'll probably go, "Fuck yeah I'm Mike Nizza. Writer for the New York Tizzle." This is making me uncomfortable. I think I'll just call him Mike N-word instead.

Bad MySpace ads
I love this "Fleetwood Mac Ringtones!!!" ad. Man, they really nailed the Fleetwood Mac demographic with this guy. Actually, he looks more like a Stevie Nicks solo career fan.

Chicago shows this weekend

Attention Chicago. I'll be performing two standup sets there this weekend (Fri and Sun). Details:

1. Friday 9pm Lincoln Lodge. Did this show last time I was in town and it was lotsa fun. Great place w/ huge beers. Fyi, a friend told me this about the show: "Sometimes it gets really packed and they sell out early, so probably best to buy tickets from their site." Here's link for tix. Show starts at 9pm. i'll be up around 10:00 PM - maybe later.

2. Sunday 8 pm @ Town Hall Pub (halsted btwn roscoe and buckingham). Robin Williams dropped in and performed on this show last week. Nice of him to stretch 'em out for me.

Video: DJ Underground

No one is more underground than DJ Underground. Produced by Brad Steuernagel and Jay Bois (thanks guys!). Music by Ruby Lament. (That's my music project. You can download our new album for free at that link if ya want. Warning: It's not funny.)

Lineup for Tuesday's Flying Carpet

FLYING CARPET
FREE comedy extravaganza
1-year anniversary show!
Tue, May 6 (9:45pm)
RIFIFI at 332 E. 11th St. btwn 1st and 2nd Ave.
Hosted by Matt Ruby

Come celebrate the 1-year anniversary of Flying Carpet! Check out this awesome lineup:
I Eat Pandas
Eric André
Joe Mande
Kenny Zimlinghaus
Ryan Conner
Micah Sherman

I Eat Pandas was voted ECNY Best Improv Group and recently got a TimeOut NY Critic's Pick (TONY: "We like the way I Eat Pandas does it.") Eric André has been on Comedy Central's Live at Gotham and just auditioned for a full 1/2 hour Comedy Central Presents. He's gonna blow the place up. Joe Mande won "Best Emerging Comic" at the ECNY awards and hosts Totally J/K. Kenny Zimlinghaus can be heard on Cosmopolitan Radio on Sirius (and hosts a great show at Rififi that's happening right before Flying Carpet). Special imports Ryan Conner (DC) and Micah Sherman (Boston) are both hilarious. And I'll be hosting and showing a special video from DJ Underground.

Update: Just added Boston's Myq Kaplan to the bill. He got rave reviews for his recent Live at Gotham taping: "Myq Kaplan blew plenty of minds with his awesomeness, earning multiple applause breaks and the attention of everyone downstairs in the lounge/green room. Very poised...A shining performance that'll certainly get him industry attention."

Flying Carpet 1 year anniversary show

Does great comedy have to come from a personal place?

Judd Apatow's advice: Always make sure that your comedy comes from a personal place.

You hear that a lot. Make your material personal. Talk about your family, your fears, your childhood, your secret thoughts, etc. Louis CK or Mike Birbigs come to mind as examples of this approach. And Howard Stern might just be the king of it.

Those guys are some of my faves. But so are a lot of comics who never get personal. Mitch Hedberg, Zach Galifianakis, Steve Martin, Todd Barry...their material rarely touches on intimate details about their lives. Do I know anything about what these guys are truly like at home or whatever? No. Do I care? No.

Maybe they're revealing something about themselves based on how they tell their jokes and look at the world. When Mitch Hedberg talks about Pringles or bananas, you're still getting some pretty deep insight into how his brain works. Maybe it's ok to not get personal if you're being peculiar in your own way. Maybe a strange joke about koala bears reveals as much about you as a story about how your dad yelled at you or whatever.

Anyway, just something I've been wrestling with in my own head. Sometimes I think I should get more personal with my material. But then again, it just doesn't seem to come all that naturally to me. Maybe it's cuz it's easier to keep some emotional distance. Or maybe it's just easier for me to make random stuff funny than things that are close to home. Hmm.

Comedysmack features Mortimer video

ComedySmack is "a free, daily email service providing a special link-blast that showcases the newest and funniest stuff out there." Today they linked up my White Collar Comedian video.

"My short skirt is not an invitation to rape me"

You know the show "The Vagina Monologues"? I heard a girl talking about one of the monologues and it starts out, "My short skirt is not an invitation to rape me."

I totally agree.

But it got me to wondering: If I was going to invite someone to rape me, what would the invitation look like?

Would an Evite be good enough? Or would I make it more formal? After all, this is a life-changing event that I'm inviting someone to...probably needs a classy, sans-serif, italic font.

And I'd prob need my parents to send it too:

"Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Ruby cordially invite you to penetrate their son's asshole. Please tell us if you would prefer chicken or fish with that."

Ack, that's far enough. Disclaimer: This post is not an invitation to rape me.

Dress your dog up for Halloween

Do you like to show your love for animals by forcing them to do unnatural things? Then you're going to dig the dog costume selection at Costume CRAZE.


Poor Tikidog. He's depressed 'cuz his tits keep falling out of his bikini top.


You wouldn't think a bone would be sharp enough to perform an operation. But you would be wrong.


Why does his pirate hat look more like a yarmulke?


Dogs love a little transgender confusion.


Somehow I'm not getting that Vader intimidation vibe from this mutt.


Gives new meaning to the phrase "dead behind the eyes." Apparently canine law enforcement is tougher than you'd think.


Really? Jewdog!? "Oy, again with the chasing the tennis ball? My back is still killing me what from all the digging for the bones."

More doggie costume madness here.

Why aren't there comments at this site?

Kary Rogers sent me an email asking why I don't have comments at this site:

Hi Matt,

I've been subscribed to your site for a while now. I enjoy reading your bits, things you've found on the web, and other comedy related experiences. Sometimes when I find a post particularly interesting, I want to follow up with a question, clarification or just a plain ol' comment.

I imagine you have a pretty decent readership and with your insightful posts about comedy, I was wondering why you don't allow comments. I feel that the reader community can increase the value of content in many instances. I know it's not always the case as there are douchebags out there intent on spreading douchebaggery.

Anyway, I like your site and was curious about your thoughts and experiences on engaging the readership.

So why no comments here? 1) I don't really think there are that many people out there who want to comment on my posts. 2) The previously mentioned douchebaggery factor: Online comments tend to be annoyingly lame/negative. 3) I haven't taken the time to figure out how to set them up.

I'd consider turning 'em on though if "the people" desire "a voice" at this site. Anyone else out there wish they could leave comments here? If so, send me an email and let me know.

Is Matt Ruby a stage name?

Sometimes people ask me if Matt Ruby is my real name. Well, I have a confession. It's actually a stage name. My real name is Lance Starpower. Ok, that's not true. It's actually Lance Starpowerstein.

Random comedy thoughts: being a regular, rabbit holes, and discovery

According to one of the guests on this podcast, Richard Lewis and Paul Reiser got into a fistfight once. Lewis put his forearm around Reiser's throat at a club and told him to stop doing his act. That's a steel cage match I'd like to see.

Common mistake I think beginning comics make: Being a regular. Hitting the same rooms with the same people all the time. Too much comfort zone. Too much people laughing at you 'cuz you're all buddies. Mix it up instead. Getting in front of new people is the best way to stretch. Plus, you want to get seen by new people, right?

Stephen Colbert on Charlie Rose shows his improv background: "Be willing to surrender to your plan for the discovery of the moment. if you see a rabbit hole, jump in it. There are no mistakes, only discoveries."

Interesting technique for getting conversational and discovering stuff onstage: Keep speaking no matter what. Just start going and don't let silence happen. Forces you to turn to your subconscious and not overthink stuff. Surprise is funny and flowing is a great way to get it (if you're surprised by what you're saying, it's a lot more likely that other people will be too). Showalter does a good job of it in the video in this post.

The biz card for The Pit theater has a couple of quotes I like: "If you have fun, they'll have fun." And "Follow the fear, truly listen, then react."

Videogum links up Orbach animation

Videogum linked up my Jerry Orbach's Eyes animation recently.

Have you ever seen those PSAs about organ donation that mention the beloved late actor Jerry Orbach's donation of his eyes to two people and thought "I wish someone would interview those two people about what it's like to see the world through Jerry Orbach's eyes?" I have, but this animated stand-up clip by comedian Matt Ruby is much better than that idea.

Click on through if ya haven't seen yet.

Audio: Live set at New Orleans Comedy and Arts Fest

Live set at La Nuit Theater in NOLA on April 3, 2008. Part of New Orleans Comedy and Arts Fest. Crowd was small but we had fun.

Random notes on the set: I threw in a beads reference to my butterfly joke and cracked that I customized the joke for New Orleans. That got an applause break which I found pretty surpising.

"The light" was the dimming of the stage lights which was weird. That's the point where I say that I feel like I'm supposed to get more emotionally intense.

Also, I started with a 9/11 joke and ended with a 9/11 reference too. When I got offstage, the sound guy told me that my entire set lasted 9 minutes and 11 seconds. Weird.

Springtime, lesbians, and Passover

It's spring! Or as we call it in Brooklyn, "lesbians on bicycles" season. You know that old saying: April showers bring May lesbians on bicycles.

It's also Passover soon. I'm a bad Jew though. I celebrate by adding some water to my liquid soap dispenser...because that’s the most Jewish thing I can think of to do.

I have a tough time with religious holidays because of all the silly stuff you're supposed to do. During Passover, you're supposed to hide the afikomen. It's like an Easter egg hunt, but with matzah instead of eggs. And there's no bunny rabbit or other cute animal attached to the process. It'd be neat if there was though. "Who hides the afikomen? Why it's the Passover Panda Bear, of course!" Everyone knows panda bears are super jewy.

The weirdest part of Passover is that you're supposed to put a glass of wine outside your house for the prophet Elijah. I'd like to meet the Jewish alcoholic who convinced everyone to go along with this plan: “Yeah, you all gotta leave wine outside your house. And tomorrow it will miraculously disappear. I don’t know how it happens. Don’t blame me. I’m just Schlomo, the Jewish town drunk...I can't believe this worked...You know what, for Yom Kippur, leave an 8-ball of coke under the welcome mat. It's for Elijah, really. Prophets need some get up and go too, ya know."

It's about being a funny person, not having funny material

You can write good jokes. But that doesn't mean you're actually funny. Being funny means people want to laugh before you even get to the punchline.

Your look, your delivery, your rhythm, your attitude, and a bunch of other stuff are what make you funny. Think Groucho or Emo Phillips or Rodney Dangerfield. You want to laugh from the second you hear them talk.

I first felt this onstage while doing my French character, Simon Beauregard. People would laugh at the character. Just the accent and phrasing of what I said would get laughs. A light bulb went off. I was like, "Wow, this is so much easier than relying exclusively on setup/punchline to get laughs."

From Woody Allen On Comedy:

It's all about being a funny person, not about having funny material. Give yourself not your material...

Don't make the mistake of falling into the material trap...You should think of it in terms of you as a funny person. To the degree that you're a funny person, that's how much you'll succeed, not to the degree of the funny material that you have...

The audience wants an intimacy with the person. They want to like the person and find the person funny as a human being.

The biggest trap that new comedians fall into is trying to get by on the basis of their material. Trying to buy or write material and hiding behind it and not getting out there and just opening themselves up."

Great advice.

"Dealing with Difficult People" seminar

I got an email the other day for a seminar called Dealing with Difficult People.

My theory: If you have to go to a seminar called "Dealing with Difficult People," then you're the difficult person. If you need to take a seminar in order to deal with the flood of obnoxious people that keep cascading into your life, maybe it's time you look in the mirror.

One of the types of people they single out for being difficult: "The 'Yes' People." Yeah, because who could be more obnoxious than someone who says yes? "Hey Bob, want to help me move on Saturday? Yes? Aw man, why are you being so difficult? I didn't even offer you pizza yet! Read the script next time."

New show alert: "We're All Friends Here"

Starting on May 16, Mark Normand and I will be cohosting a new monthly show at The Creek and The Cave called "We're All Friends Here."

One thing Mark and I have in common: We love to ask questions that you're not supposed to ask people. So we thought it'd be fun to base our show around that.

We'll invite our fave comics to do a set and then we'll do a post-set interview where we'll pepper 'em with inappropriate questions on topics like sex, drugs, religion, insecurities, politics, racism, or whatever.

If you like watching people who have boundary issues, it'll be right up your alley. It's ok, we're all friends here. Get it?

I'm excited to be doing the show with Mark. He's one of those people who cracks me up both onstage and off. And I think we're going to wear suits. That's how you know it's an EVENT.

The Creek is a great place to do shows too. Kingdom of Heaven and Jerk Practice have been killing it there for a while and now the place is expanding its lineup to have shows Tues-Sat nights. It's a great room to see/do comedy. Plus, there's an outdoor area that'll be most groovy for hanging now that the weather's getting nice. $2 PBRs won't hurt either.

Full details...

Name of show: We're All Friends Here
Cost: $5
Dates: Monthly Friday 5/16, 6/13, 7/11, 8/8
Location: The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave at 49th Ave
Long Island City, Queens
(718-706-8783)
Subway: 7 to Vernon/Jackson, G to 21 St/Van Alst, E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave.
Time: 8pm

Clichés in the bedroom

Smart people can be pretty stupid about sex.

A guy I know told me that when he's making love to a girl, he can't spank her on the ass because it "feels too cliché." Oh, come on dude. Does this guy really think he's such a pioneer in the bedroom? Is he the Magellan of fucking?

The bedroom is one place where you can play the Greatest Hits. You don't have to be original. No one wants an avant garde blowjob. "She took my dick out and just stared at it for 20 minutes...and then Dennis Hopper and a leprechaun started waltzing in the corner. I'm so glad it wasn't just one of those cliché blowjobs I normally get. Those are so predictable."

I think this guy wants to be the Andy Kaufman of sex. Afterwards he wants the girl to say, "I don't even know whether we had sex or not. He climbed into bed and started reading The Great Gatsby to me. And then we wrestled."

Cobra Kai foreign policy

If US foreign policy could talk (using outdated movie references):

I'm US foreign policy. I'm Rambo and Rocky Balboa. Driving in a hummer. To pick up Chuck Norris and John Wayne. And we're gonna go to a pool party at Jose Canseco's place and pop some 'roids.

And then we're going to the Cobra Kai dojo. To hang out with John Kreese. And we're gonna finish a couple of handles of Canadian Club and then break some bricks with our heads and chop some wood boards with our cocks.

Why? Because if we don't do it, who will? You Lt. Caffey? You Lt. Weinberg? I don't think so. You need us up on that wall. Otherwise the world is going to be run by people who don't speak English. And you know what people who don't speak English say? Neither do I. And that's just not gonna fly.

You think I'm gonna let those Europussies tell me how many kilometers an hour I can drive? Not on my watch.

You think I'm going to let Mr. Miyagi and his bonzai tree tell me how to spend my tax dollars? Not in my backyard.

USA! Cobra Kai! Sweep the leg!

"Let's get ready to rumble" violation

Michael Buffer is the announcer who does those "Let's get ready to rumble" introductions at sporting events. He's even trademarked the phrase. At his site, you can join the Michael Buffer "Rumble Team" and report any violations:

The Buffer Partnership now offers a financial reward to those who report a corroborated unauthorized use [resulting in an actual recovery] of the "Let's Get Ready to Rumble", "Get Ready To Rumble" or "Ready to Rumble" servicemarked phrases...

I decided to report a violation to the email address at that page:

Dear Mr. Buffer (or one of his underlings),

Let's get ready to email!

I'm a big fan of your "Let's get ready to rumble" introductions to various sporting events. When I hear your voice, my blood begins to BOIL like water in a teapot that loves boxing.

Recently, I noticed on the "Rumble Rewards" section of your website that you constantly deal with "Let's get ready to rumble" violations reported to you by fans around the world (and you even give these fans a special gift).

Well, I'd like to report a VIOLATION that I have discovered: I saw a commercial for Kraft Cheese Crumbles with the phrase "Let's get ready to crumble!"

Do you see what Kraft is trying to do here? If you take out the c from crumble, well, you see where I'm going with this.

It saddened me to see your catchphrase, which is so melodic yet still barbaric, being used to sell, of all things, cheese. Cheese! "Let's get ready to rumble" is a call to arms for GLADIATORS, not cheese that falls apart (sounds like this is the Buster Douglas of cheese).

In fact, I have my suspicions that Kraft isn't even REAL cheese. I've read that some Kraft products are created in a laboratory. Also, despite their intensity, your words have never clogged my ARTERIES.

Kraft probably thinks they need to use your slogan to "stay in the ring" with Velveeta. But this is not THE WAY to do it. I think it's time you and I team up to give Kraft a TKO. (That stands for "Technical Knockout." Though in this case we may be looking at an LKO, "Legal Knockout." Your lawyers can advise you on that.)

As for the special gift you promise, you don't have to bother. JUSTICE is reward enough for me. As Edmund Burke once said, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." This is a credo that I live by.

That and "Let's get ready to rumble."

However, the economy is tough these days. So I am willing to accept the CASH BONUS you mention at your site. I wish I could pay the rent with justice, but my LANDLORD has repeatedly stated that's a "no go." Please let me know the amount and when I can expect payment ASAP.

Together, we'll get them to throw in the towel!
Matt Ruby

P.S. I will also be contacting the band EMF since Kraft is using their song "Crumbelievable" in this commercial. EMF may not hold a candle to JESUS JONES, but they have rights too.

No word back yet.

Random comedy thoughts: Awkwardness, stage notes, Emo on teaching funny, etc.

I measure comics by how funny they are to me the fourth, fifth, or sixth time I see them. I'm more impressed by people who can generate lots of funny material instead of just nailing one eight-minute set. If I see you doing the exact same set as six months ago, I tune out. And I figure that's what you've done too.

Tired: Comedy that's based on awkwardness, uncomfortable silences, interviews between people who don't like each other, etc. Sure, we all love The Office and Curb but they preceded all these Burger King commercials and web series that cover the same territory. The genre now comes off as a photocopy of a photocopy of something that was funny.

In NYC, you spend the first few years performing for other comics. But comics suck as audience members. They're usually bitter, jaded, comedy fatigued, and/or not paying attention. I'd say each real audience member is worth about three comics in the crowd (i.e. I'd rather perform in front of five real audience members than 15 comics).

I crack up when I see comics tell one joke and then look at their notes. If you have to look at notes after only one joke, what the fuck are you doing up there? You've got to be able to remember at least two jokes. If you smoke that much weed, at least start writing notes on your hand so it's a little subtle. (Confession: I do the hand thing sometimes. But it's mostly a mental crutch since I wind up not even checking it 80% of the time.)

Overheard: The entire audience at the second round of Last Comic Standing performances in NYC was made up of soap opera actors. And Live at Gotham tapings had smoke machines to make the venue look more "clubby" on camera. Reality tv that's fake!? It's like Captain Renault in the casino in Casablanca: "I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here."

Emo Phillips on Comical Radio: "You can't teach standup comedy. If you could, you would see a lot more Asians doing it. We need the live response from the audience. It's a messy, chaotic, wonderful, exciting thing."

Photos from New Orleans Comedy and Arts Festival

Last weekend's New Orleans Comedy and Arts Festival was a hoot. Cool shows/crowds and lots of comic bonding.

I landed from NYC and went to my hotel where they gave me room 9-11.



Boy, they sure do know how to make a New Yorker feel welcome. When the girl at reception gave me the key, I said, "Too soon...too soon."

The highlight of the weekend: Saturday's crawfish boil at the river.



Here's Nola native Cassidy Henehan putting the moves on a statue.



Ross Hyzer and Danny Solomon filmed a documentary of it all.



The last night featured a fake moustache fiesta. Below, Timmy Williams and Mark Normand match 'staches.

New video: Jerry Orbach's eyes (animated standup)

I decided to have some animation fun with my Jerry Orbach bit. Audio from live set at Lincoln Lodge in Chicago a few months back. Listen to the whole set if ya like.

British people don't know who Scott Baio is

I really like watching shows on VH1: Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant, Scott Baio is 47 and Cancelled...Scott Baio is 48 and Suicidal.

I told that joke the other night and there were two guys from England in the front row. One of them shouted out, "Who's Scott Baio?" I asked them, "Did you ever have Happy Days in England?" They looked at each other and said, "Yeah."

Then I realized that they didn't get I meant Happy Days the tv show. To them, it sounded like I thought they'd never had a single happy day in their lives...because they didn't know who Scott Baio was. "You mean you've never seen Charles in Charge? You must not know the meaning of the word happiness." "All that rain and no Chachi? I'm amazed you even survived."

Are you my nizza?

Best name ever for a reporter who works the hip hop beat: "Nizza." I can hear the conversation now...

1: Did you just ask me, 'Are you my nizza?"
2: No, I asked, "Are you Mike Nizza?"