Asian people have straight pubic hair

Whoa, I just learned this the other day: Asian people have straight pubic hair. Talk about breaking the rules! These guys are pube mavericks. I'm impressed.

I know one guy who's half Asian and half white so I asked him about it. He answered, "I'm half Asian and half Jewish actually." I didn't understand how this was relevant. Are half of his pubes straight while the other half is those long curls that orthodox Jews grow? That'd be impressive.

I guess this reveals that I've never been with an Asian girl. It's not that I don't find 'em attractive, I just don't want to be one of those white guys who's into Asian girls. You know the type...They carry a messenger bag everywhere, they listen to NPR, they're scared of white women.

Actually, that does sound a lot like me. Hmm.

Madonna wants us to "respect her privacy"

Madonna is getting divorced and wants the media to "respect her privacy." You know, because she's really kept her personal life under wraps up to this point in her career.

I will go along with this if we can declare a joint media truce. I "respect her privacy" and, when her next album comes, she respects my apathy. No interviews, no PR campaign, and no ridiculously airbrushed photos = I won't give a shit about your divorce, Madge. Deal?

Me to Moby: "I'm the guy who made that video about all the different ways to kill you"

Ha, I kinda figured it would happen at some point...

The scene: The Rene Risque & the Art Lovers show at Rockwood Music Hall last night. I walk in and see Moby standing right in front of me. The following conversation ensues:

MR: Hey, are you Moby?
Moby: Yeah.
MR: Oh, I don't mean to be weird but I'm the guy who made that video about all the different ways to kill you.
Moby: [Silence...seems confused]
MR: It had 40 different ways to murder you, like with ninjas and stuff. You posted about it at your blog.
Moby: Oh yeah.
MR: I just wanted to let you know that it was a joke and I don't actually want to kill you.
Moby: Ha, yeah. I know. I thought it was a joke all along but some of the other people who saw it seemed to take it seriously.
MR: Yeah, you've got a few kooky fans.

That's kinda a weird way to start a conversation: "I'm the guy who made that video about all the different ways to kill you." (My standard opener is usually much lighter: "Hey, it's me...the guy who's been digging through your trash!")

Anyway, we actually had a brief chat that was cordial. Talked about how people can't tell the difference between fake and real videos (apparently he just made a joke video where he's trying to find 13-year-olds to be in a hardcore band but most of the people who watch it think it's legit).

Also, we talked about how YouTube comments bring out the worst in humanity (I suggested it was due to the anonymity of it all, he thought it was something about brain chemistry).

He'll be the guest on Dave Hill's show at UCB this week too. Apparently, he's Dave's backup when no other guest is available.

And then we parted ways. I always felt a bit weird that someone might take that video seriously in any way so I'm glad it's all good with the man himself at least.

If ya want the whole story, check out "Moby's #1 fan is out to get me."

Compliment the one good joke

I like telling the truth. But that's bad when you're supposed to be polite. Case in point: I'm bad at talking with another comic after they've had a bad set. Inside, I'm thinking, "Jeesh, that was pretty ugly." That won't win ya many friends though.

So lately I've been trying a technique I've seen others use effectively (sometimes on me): Pick out one joke and compliment them on that. Even in a bad set there's usually one bit that's decent (or at least has potential). Let 'em know that there was something there worth building on. Works just as well after a good set too.

Sure, it's a little bit Carnegie-esque. But hey, that's better than being a dick about the whole thing.

Nothing's more relatable than right now

When I go onstage, I usually try to start off by riffing on something in the room. Something about the venue, the audience, an earlier comic, whatever. It helps ease the way into material and makes the whole thing seem less scripted.

Some examples from recent gigs: At The Living Room, I commented on the discrepancy between the size of the audience and the number of cameramen capturing the show. At Comedyland, I talked about an earlier comic's set and how he did oddly geographically specific crowdwork with a girl from Kentucky (audio). At Comic's Inn, I made fun of the shitty PA and the bizarre shelf on the wall. At Comix, I questioned the idea of having a bathroom attendant at a free comedy show.

This sort of commentary almost always gets a laugh. People give you points for coming up with something off the cuff. Plus, a huge part of comedy is being relatable. Nothing's more relatable than that specific place at that specific time. Everyone in the room is sharing that experience and can definitely relate.

I've noticed that Jon Stewart takes this idea to the next level a lot during the beginning of The Daily Show. He'll actually start the broadcast by riffing on an inside joke that only the studio audience understands. He does it pretty often too. Curious because I've never seen any other TV broadcast do it.

For example, check out the time machine lines he uses to start off this episode of the show:



Clearly a reference to something he and the audience discussed during warmup. I guess Stewart thinks it's worth leaving us viewers on the outside in order to get the studio crowd on his side. His version of making sure "the base is energized" before starting the campaign.

Latest WAFH podcast: Jared Logan, Dan Goodman, Josh Homer, and Pete Holmes

The latest episode of the "We're All Friends Here" podcast is live. Features Jared Logan, Dan Goodman, Josh Homer, and Pete Holmes. Topics include Asian bone structure, messy blow jobs, prostitution, shower techniques, weed, and Al Pacino.

Schtick or Treat: 30+ NYC comedians perform as their favorite comedy legends

Here we go! Matt Ruby and Mark Normand present two BIG shows...

SCHTICK OR TREAT
A pre-Halloween comedy tribute show
30+ NYC comedians come together to perform as their favorite comedy legends!
Sat Oct 25 @ 8pm - FREE
The Creek in Long Island City
10-93 Jackson Ave at 49th Ave
Just one subway stop from Brooklyn and Manhattan

The idea: Bands often perform special "tribute" sets on Halloween and do an entire show as a famous band. It's always a lot of fun and crowds love it. So we figured why not do the same thing with comedy? It will be a quick turnover show where each comic gets up to three minutes to do their thing. Expect mayhem.

LINEUP:
Bernie Mac (Mike Dobbins)
Louis CK (Tom McCaffrey)
Sam Kinison (Sean Patton)
Monique (Dan St. Germain)
Jake Johannsen (Kumail Nanjiani)
Norm Macdonald (Jesse Popp)
Bobcat Goldwaith (Ben Kissel)
Mr. Mike (Matt McCarthy)
Chris Rock (Ross Hyzer)
Don Rickles (Luke Thayer)
Yakov Smirnoff (Sven Wechsler)
Paula Poundstone (Mark Normand)
Janeane Garofalo (Mara Herron)
Ellen Degeneres (Claudia Cogan)
Kevin Meaney (Jared Logan)
Eddie Izzard (Ed Murray)
Mitch Hedberg (Chelsea White)
Sinbad (Abbi Crutchfield)
Sarah Silverman (Becky Ciletti)
Steven Wright (Pat O'Shea)
Rodney Dangerfield (Matt Ruby)
Brian Regan (Joselyn Hughes)
Dave Chappelle (Dan Soder)
Jim Gaffigan (Blaine Perry)
Steve Martin (Adam Newman)
Eddie Murphy (Matt Maragno)
Tom McCaffrey (Cheslee Calloway)
George Carlin (Jason Saenz)
Woody Allen (Gilad Foss)
Dave Attell (Charlie Kasov)
Chris Tucker (Mike Drucker)
Todd Barry (Sean O'Connor)
Martin Lawrence (Mike Lawrence)
Dov Davidoff (Billy the Kid)
Maria Bamford (Jamie Lee)
Bob Saget (Margie Kment)
Freddie Prinze (Gabe Pacheco)
Bill Cosby (Nick Turner)
Joan Rivers (Brandy Barber)
Doug Stanhope (Tim Warner)
Rip Taylor (Greg Barris)
Gallagher (Pat Stango)
Carlos Mencia (Mo Diggs)

$1 baby margaritas and $1 jello shots from 11pm - 1am
DJ Matt Lament spins downstairs

AND COMING SOON:

The Manhattan debut of...
WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE
Hosted by Matt Ruby and Mark Normand
The Slipper Room
Thursday, Oct. 30 @ 8pm - $5
167 Orchard St. (between Stanton and Rivington)

The most inappropriate comedy chat show/podcast around makes its Manhattan debut! The past couple of shows were standing room only at The Creek so we're excited to bring it from LIC to the LES. This show will feature Victor Varnado (Conan), Myq Kaplan (Live at Gotham), Brooke Van Poppelen (UCB), Mike Lawrence (beard), and boundary issues. Lots of boundary issues.

It's a podcast too:

Dig the podcast? Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes or subscribe to the podcast's RSS feed.

Why is Todd Barry so mean to Louis CK?

A while back I posted about Todd Barry's mock feud with Louis CK. In "9 Questions with Todd Barry" [SFStandup.com], Chad Lehrman links to that post and asks Todd about it:

SF: Why do you write such mean things about Louis CK on the internet?
TB: Because he’s a red-haired piece of shit who needs to get out of the business, pronto!

Well there ya go.

Photos from The Living Room

Here I am performing at The Living Room - Show 45: The Great Debate.

I made it through without cursing. But it wasn't easy. "Turn the heck around you jerk" ain't nearly as funny as "turn the fuck around you motherfucker."

Louis CK on "brushback pitch" jokes

Louis CK on The Sound of Young America:



Around 15:20, he talks about jokes that are "brushback pitches."

I like jokes that are brushback pitches. There's a mix of laughter and people going, "Oh, Jesus!" But that turns into laughter. I like taking people to an area in their minds or their culture that they don't think they should be thinking about or laughing at, and then getting them to laugh there. That's a great thing to be able to do that. Take people to a place they're afraid of and say there's something funny here.

The joke he mentions is a 9/11 masturbation joke (it's in his latest special "Chewed Up"). Unconfirmed rumor I heard: He actually got kicked out of the Cellar once for telling it.

I watched "Chewed Up" the other night and really enjoyed it (stronger than "Shameless" I think). The fact that he's churning out a new hour every year is just incredible. It's all the buzz among comics. How funny he is + how prolific he is = he's definitely the one setting the bar right now.

If you haven't already, check out the video section of his site. Two of my faves there: Kansas City 11/05/04 and Largo 7/12/04.

The Comic's Comic has an interview and a good roundup of recent CK links around the web and Dead-Frog just published an interview too.

Norm plows through 'em at Caroline's

Saw Norm MacDonald at Caroline's the other week. Great stuff and surprisingly dark (jokes about heart attacks, shallow graves, etc.). Lots of yobos shouting out stuff during the set too. Norm's way of handling it? Ignoring 'em. He would just plow straight on through as if he couldn't hear a thing. It was pretty effective too. When one guy finally did get him to pay attention, Norm just chuckled and explained why he wasn't going to respond: "I don't really have a lot of standup skills." And then went right back into his set. A crowd like that can def make you see why people like Birbigs or CK prefer doing theaters to clubs though.

Upcoming shows at Jimmy's No. 43, TenEleven, Kabin, etc.

Tonight I'll be here:

Monday (10/6)
8:30 PM
The Night Kitchen
follow the scent of bacon to:
Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street between 2nd and 3rd Aves.
Downstairs
212-982-3006
6 to Astor Place/ R/W to 8th Street
F train to 2nd Avenue
1 drink minimum

Gilad Foss and Merritt Gurley host:
Dan St. Germaine
Laura Manino
Rob Cantrell
Matt Ruby
and other surprise guests!

Boston Tea Party

I heard a guy describe the Boston Tea Party this way the other day: "It's when America got a bunch of bad tea." Yeah, that's why we were so outraged...because the British were giving us bad tea. Like Nathan Hale said, "Give me chamomile or give me death!"

I'd like to see this guy teach a whole class in American history: "The Lousiana Purchase...that's when Louisiana got a really good deal on a pair of shoes at Payless. The New Deal? That's when FDR started slashing prices on stereo equipment. Good ol' Crazy Freddie."

Time slowing down

In "Born Standing Up" [Amazon], Steve Martin talks about how performing meant his mind was constantly racing ahead of whatever was coming out of his mouth.

My most persistent memory of stand-up is of my mouth being in the present and my mind being in the future: the mouth speaking the line, the body delivering the gesture, while the mind looks back, observing, analyzing, judging, worrying, and then deciding when and what to say next.

Lately I've been noticing a similar sensation: Time slowing down. The more I perform, the more things seem to be moving in slow motion while I'm onstage.

Athletes talk about this sort of thing too...how the game slows down when you're in the zone.

Basketball players, when they experience being "in the zone" report that the basket seems bigger, and feeling an almost mystical connection to it. The legendary hitter Ted Williams has said that sometimes he could see the seams on a pitched baseball. Gymnast Carol Johnson found that on some days she experienced the balance beam as wider, so "any worry of falling off disappeared."

Football quarterback star John Brodie told Michael Murphy (author of "The Psychic Side of Sports") that he found periods in every game when "time seems to slow down, in an uncanny way, as if everyone were moving in slow motion. It seems as if I had all the time in the world to watch the receivers run their patterns, and yet I know the defensive line is coming at me just as fast as ever."

I noticed a similar "time slowing down" thing at a recent show. I paused to think about what joke to tell next. Onstage, it felt like an eternity. Like some awful, 10 second-long gap. I got offstage and thought, "Fuck, what the hell was that?"

But when I listened back to it, it was just a second or two, way less than I thought. And I've noticed similar things when I listen to other sets. Onstage I feel like I'm pausing, "umm"ing, fumbling, or getting off track in some other bad way. But when I listen back it comes off as just a minor hiccup.

Hopefully this is a "muscle" that keeps growing over time. 'Cuz there are still lots of times where I get offstage only to come up with a perfect line or riff after the fact. Would be pretty amazing to get to the point where something happens in the room and it feels like there's an eternity to come up with the perfect response.

Class clown

I wonder what the class clown is like at clown college. He probably shows up wearing regular sized shoes. He drives a big car and never gives anyone else a ride. He's miserable on the outside. And everyone else is like, "Man, that dude is different."

Video: Live at Karma

Live set at Karma a couple weeks back at The New Young Comedians show.

Explain yourself Kentucky!

Audio from a set at Comedyland in Astoria a few weeks back. Earlier in the night, a comic got into a really detailed conversation with an audience member about where they grew up in Tennessee and Kentucky.

Love connection?

I think women who knit should be forced to date men who roll their own cigarettes. Then they can pair off and continue to waste time doing things that machines solved years ago. "Honey, let's make dinner...I'll start milling the wheat!"

Friday night at The Living Room

I'll be performing at Luke and Abbi's show on Friday night:

The Living Room at Postmark Cafe
326 6th Street (between 4th & 5th aves)
Park Slope, BK 11215
2nd & 4th Fridays at 8:00PM, FREE
livingroomcomedy.blogspot.com

Fun lineup: "Emily Epstein hosts Kyle Grooms, Matt Ruby, Wil Sylvince, Ryan Conner, Phil Kessell, Matt&Katina! This week Luke is doing stand-up and Abbi is doing a sketch and fake news."

DIRECTIONS: Take the F train OR the R train to 4th Ave/9th Street stop. Exit at 9th St. Walk uphill toward 5th ave, and make a left on 5th ave. Left on 6th street to Postmark Cafe.

"This is a clean show. NO F-word!" Uh oh. Can I handle this??! Sure. Gulp.

Howard Stern and the truth

My biggest comedy influence (if ya go by time exposure): Howard Stern. The sheer number of hours I've spent listening to him dwarfs the amount I've been exposed to any other comedian (or is he a "humorist" or something else?)

I started listening to Howard in about seventh grade and couldn't get enough. I just felt like he was the only person on TV/radio that was actually telling the truth. He was a miserable, terrible person in a lot of ways...but it was fucking authentic. In comparison, everyone else on air seemed full of shit.

I didn't really care about the strippers, midgets, and other freak show stuff. But I loved when he and the crew would sit around talking about their lives. He talked about his small dick, how he hated his life, how he masturbated in his basement, his relationship with his wife, etc. He was Louis CK before Louis CK.

And I loved how he forced other people to tell the truth. Everyone on the show had to discuss intimate details of their lives, air out their dirty laundry, have any fights on air, etc.

It was so compelling because it was real. You can't be on the air for four hours every day of the week and fake it. Also, radio is a really intimate medium for some reason. Maybe it's the "voice in the ear" factor or something.

His interviews with celebs were super too. No Entertainment Tonight bullshit. He'd ask how much money people made, whom they fucked, whom they hated, which rumors were true, and all the stuff you want to know but people never ask. The next day, these interview would often be in the news. Because he got people to reveal things they never revealed before.

That's why a lot of celebs would never go on. He broke that PR shill shield of protection. You got to see the real person. People could play along and be cool (Arnold Schwarzenegger always handled Howard great). But if you weren't up for getting into the truth, you were better off staying away.

I don't have Sirius so I don't really listen to Howard anymore. (That's why I've been using the past tense.) But I came across this recent Chevy Chase interview (below) and it's a great example of what I'm talking about. Howard gets Chevy to talk about banging Goldie Hawn, being the most famous person on SNL and how the others resented him for it, getting into a fight with Bill Murray right before going on air, how Chase and Murray improvised their one scene together in Caddyshack, how he was locked in a basement when he was younger, and tons more. Where else would ya get this kind of conversation?

(Update: Bummer, YouTube took down the Stern-Chase video. Fwiw, Stern's site has notes of recent interviews with these people: Norm MacDonald, Chris Rock, Chevy Chase, and Brad Garrett.)

I don't think my standup is all that Howard-y (tough to dole out that vibe in 5-10 minute chunks)...but I do like the direction "We're All Friends Here" is going in. It's got a lot of that raw, truthful, conversations-you-never-hear-anywhere-else thing going on. And that's why it's so fun.

Funny Marx Brothers clips

Some of my first exposure to comedy was my dad showing me Marx Brothers movies (he's a huge fan of theirs). Some fun clips...

The stateroom scene from "Night at the Opera":



A scene from "A Day at the Races":

Girl: I've never been so insulted in all my life.
Groucho: Well, it's early yet.

Love that. More quotes from "A Day at the Races."

The contract negotiation skit from "A Night at the Opera" is a classic.

Groucho: It's all right, that's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
Chico: You can't fool me, there ain't no sanity clause.

Can't find the video anywhere though.

Also, I remember this great scene at the horse track in "A Day at the Races" where Groucho and Chico are making a deal and keep selling each other the same book back and forth. Can't find that either but I remember it being my fave thing in the world when I was like ten years old.

My dad also looooved Steven Wright so we'd always get together and watch his HBO specials when they were on. And then Wright became the first standup I ever saw in my life when he gigged at my college.

I'd argue that my dad has pretty good taste in comedy...but then again he also loved Rita Rudner. Hmm.

Off the top of my head

I started shaving my head because I'm losing my hair. Though I prefer to think I'm not losing my hair, I'm gaining my bald spot.

Shaving your head is a weird way to cover up the fact that you're going bald because the solution is exactly the same as the problem. You don't hear: "Dude, you've put on a few pounds. You know what you should do? Gain 300 more pounds. Then no one will notice!" More of the same isn't much of a disguise. No one ever says, "You're starting to smell a little funky...you should cover yourself in skunk juice. Be confident about it."

I get my hair did at a barbershop in the, um, urban neighborhood that I live in. [Sidebar: Urban is supposed to be a polite way to refer to black people but isn't it a bit racist to imply that black people couldn't possibly live in a rural place? Could you call a black farmer from Montana urban just because he's black?]

It's different than other haircut places I've been to in the past. Trevor, the guy who cuts my hair, doesn't ask me if I want to leave 1/4 inch or 1/2 inch. He just points to the five dudes who hang out in the front of the shop and says, "You want it like this guy or you want it like that guy?" Nice idea but it's a weird vibe when you're the only white guy in the place and you're picking from a lineup of black dudes. "#4, please step forward and turn to the side. Yup, that's my haircut." Almost feels like there should be a two-way mirror or something.

Each time, I have to explain to Trevor that I just want a basic cut. This is necessary because a lot of the other customers there are very into sculpture of the head. Intense styling with precision razor blade detailing. Curves, geometric shapes, ice swans, etc. Nice stuff but I don't want my stylist getting all Giacometti on my head.

Still, Trevor asks each time about my hairline and "shaping" it. I think the idea is he could shave it into a straight line across the top of my head. No indents in the front. Like this would really fool anyone: "Oh, he's not losing his hair. It's just that his hairline is in the middle of his forehead." I don't think anyone would buy that.

I also stop him from spraying product on my head when he's done. The spray is called "African Dream" and it makes your head glisten. I don't want my head to glisten. And I don't really think that Africans are dreaming about my bald head.

The shaved head is nice in some ways but comes with issues too. Like now I have to worry about burning the top of my head when it's sunny. Can't really use suntan lotion 'cuz I still have some hair. Maybe spray suntan lotion in there? That seems kinda Gotti though. (Spraying shit on your head seems very north Jersey to me.)

So I suppose I should wear a hat. But there's a problem there: I think hats are for dicks. Sorry, if you wear hats. But if you do, maybe it's time you face the fact that you're a dick.

I just don't think there's any cool way to wear a hat. Baseball caps? For dicks. I always think of baseball caps as the official logo for date rape.

(The one time I enjoy them: Those University of South Carolina baseball caps. If you haven't seen before, the mascot at USC is the Gamecocks. So people buy USC hats that say "Cocks" on them. It's always some meathead frat type guy too. I love the fact that these macho guys are walking around telling the world, "What does this guy like? Cocks!")

Then there's those brimmed hats that obnoxious guys wear at nightclubs or on reality TV shows. I can never remember if they're called Fedoras or Federlines.

What about those newsboy caps? Nah, you look like an extra from Oliver Twist or Newsies. If you wear one of those, you should sell a newspaper that reads, "Extra! Extra! I'm a dick." But no one would buy it. Because they would just look at your hat and know it already.

Hmm...I guess I'm just going to let the top of my head burn.

Teach your children the Bon Jovi rule

This excerpt from "The Parking Lot Rules" [Best Life], an article offering health tips for parents and their children, cracked me up:

2 The Bon Jovi Rule (No Hands to the Face)
Richie Sambora is the guitarist for Bon Jovi as well as a devoted dad to his daughter, Ava. He once said the band's ability to stay healthy on the road is made possible by one rule: No hands to the face. Rock 'n' roll stars shake so many hands and encounter so many germs while touring—greeting fans backstage, signing autographs, and attending afterparties. You will almost never see a successful rock 'n' roll superstar sticking his finger in his eye if he has an itch. Instead, he will use a sleeve, a cuff, a shirttail, a tissue, or whatever else is available. Let your children learn how to stay healthy from one of the greatest rock bands in the world. Teach your children the Bon Jovi rule: No hands to the face.

Yes, if there's one group of people who's able to give good advice to kids on how to stay healthy, it's rock stars! Those guys are just so clean and sanitary.

I especially enjoy Kid Rock's advice on dental hygiene...It never woulda occurred to me that you could floss with a stripper's thong. And you'll never see Tommy Lee sticking his finger in his eye if he has an itch. Instead, he will use his penis. No hands to the face!

Another one bites the dust

Gah. All the Rififi shows are done. And now Scum & Villainy, Melissa Teran's cool show at Piano's, is ending too. Last one coming up this Sunday.

WTF? All the good downtown shows are disappearing. I mean Sound Fix in Williamsburg, Union Hall in Park Slope, and The Creek in LIC have cool shows...but still, that's Brooklyn and Queens, not Manhattan. I don't like the idea of good non-club comedy being pushed exclusively to the outer boroughs.

Rififi had hundreds of people per week there drinking at 8pm. Doesn't some other bar in that hood that has a stage want to sell those people drinks?

Karma's getting decent shows but there's something weird about that room. It always feels like people aren't sure why they're there or something. Why doesn't Kabin do more shows? Or a place like Rehab on Avenue B? Could Parkside turn into a cool comedy venue if Greg Johnson's show starts up there regular? Supply and demand means something new will pop up eventually...um, right? Hmm.

Related: We'll be doing a special Manhattan version of "We're All Friends Here" at The Slipper Room in the Lower East Side on Thursday, Oct. 30 at 8pm. Stay tuned.
Update: Mo Diggs explores the same issue in depth over at The Apiary today.

Latest "We're All Friends Here" podcast: Jesse Popp, Sean O'Connor, and Neal Stastny

The latest edition of the podcast features guests Jesse Popp, Sean O'Connor, and Neal Stastny. Topics covered: STDs, manscaping, porn, cocaine, ass size, gambling, the Jews, and Michael Hutchence.

Dig it? Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes or subscribe to the podcast's RSS feed.

Next live show/taping is on Friday night (details).

Alec Baldwin: "I'm going to win"

This NPR interview with Garry Shandling includes a clip (from the Larry Sanders DVDs) of Shandling and Alec Baldwin discussing comedy and acting while they're boxing. Baldwin's comments are very revealing:

I go into a scene and say I'm going to kick your fucking ass. I'm going to win. We're gonna get down to it now or we're gonna get down to it later. We're gonna get down to it on page one or we're gonna get down to it on page five. But I am going to win.

Here's audio of that and Shandling's take on it...



You can see it too. When Baldwin's on SNL or 30 Rock or doing a small part in "Glengarry Glen Ross," he just crushes it. He wants to beat the other person in the scene.

I first heard the interview about a year ago and the attitude inspired me. I don't think comedy is a sport or anything, but I do think it's a good goal: To win the night. To be the best standup on the show. To be the person that people leave talking and thinking about.

Alec Baldwin, an appreciation [Kottke.org] offers links to a couple of clips of classic Baldwin SNL bits...

What firmly installs Baldwin onto my list of favorite actors of all time is his many Saturday Night Live appearances. Watching Schweddy Balls and Inside the Actors Studio (with Baldwin as Charles Nelson Reilly) still brings tears of howling laughter to my eyes.

And here's a kinda sad profile of Baldwin in the New Yorker.

P.S. Also liked how Shandling mentions in that NPR talk that he finds magic in the moment, in the back and forth of him and the subject, and that a more scripted, formal approach would be less fresh and interesting. "It's about the moment, even when it goes wrong," he says.

Shows this week: We're All Friends Here on Friday and NYC show on Wednesday

1. We're All Friends Here
The most inappropriately truthful comedy chat show you'll ever see.
FRI Sep 19 @ The Creek
8pm - Free
Hosted by Matt Ruby and Mark Normand
Featuring Pete Holmes, Josh Homer, Jared Logan, and Dan Goodman.
Podcast of previous shows
10-93 Jackson Ave at 49th Ave (map)
Long Island City, Queens

2. Also, I'll be on this month's New Young Comedians show at Karma...Details:
Wednesday September 17
Karma Lounge
51 1st Ave (3rd/4th St)
8:00p - $5
Matt McCarthy
Matt Ruby
Meg Cupernall
John Wells
Matteson Perry
Aalap Patel
hosted by Chelsea White

Spotted on the subway

Ok, you can carry either a skateboard or a bottle of Pelegrino, but not both. Unless the message you want to send is: "I really like to snowboard, when I'm not managing my hedge fund."



Digging the watch over the sweatband look. He's probably headed to a Fashion Week show.



Anxiously awaiting the next ad in this campaign: "Cottonelle: Back that azz up." Also: Is that dog supposed to be coming out of someone's asshole? At that point, you probably have bigger worries than what brand of toilet paper to buy.

And one more that I saw but didn't get a photo of: Dude wearing a skull and crossbones belt buckle made out of rhinestones. Y'know, to let the world know he's both dangerous and fabulous. Maybe he also carries a switchblade with Barry Manilow on the handle.

Q&A about standup with me at Romanian (!) comedy site

I'm big in Romania!?

Sergiu Floroaia runs "the first 100% stand-up comedy website in Romania" and recently interviewed me. Link: "Încerc să fac un nou set în fiecare lună, dar durata unui set în New York e de obicei de 8-12 minute." Fuck if I know what "Încerc să fac un nou set în fiecare lună" means. Anyway, he translated my answers...here's the English version.

How did you start? Did you have a role model?
How I started: I moved to New York City after living in Chicago for a long time. I began to go to Rififi and Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater and saw a lot of great comedians for cheap or free. I'd thought about doing standup for a long time before that but seeing all these great comics in person is what really gave me the push to try it.

I didn't have any one role model. But I remember seeing great sets by people like Patton Oswalt, Greg Giraldo, Nick Kroll, Will Franken, and others before I tried standup myself. Those nights showed me what great, raw standup can be like in the flesh. Something I hadn't really experienced before moving to NYC.

Once I started hanging out in clubs a lot, my perspective changed a little bit. At that point, what I really enjoyed was watching great comics perform multiple times and seeing how their material changed/evolved. People like Todd Barry, Judah Friedlander, Todd Lynn, or Gary Gulman come to mind as guys who I got to see a lot and really enjoyed how they mixed up their material and interacted with the crowd. New York is a great place for that sort of thing because you see big name comics drop in to clubs all the time. Also, there are lots of great up and coming guys too who you might not know of but will hopefully get more recognition soon.

What are you doing now? (In terms of comedy)
I perform standup at least a few times a week at different places in New York and occasionally elsewhere. I host two shows too: "Flying Carpet" at Rififi [now on hiatus] and "We're All Friends Here" at The Creek and The Cave (Mark Normand cohosts that one). I also work on web shorts too. You can see those here:

How often do you change your material? How much do you work on 30 minutes of solid material?
I'm constantly changing my material. I try to do a new set of material each month at "Flying Carpet" so that pushes me to write a lot. Also, the scene in New York isn't that big so a lot of times I wind up performing for audience members and other comics who I see a lot. Telling jokes that people have heard before isn't fun for them (or me) so that's a good motivator for writing more too.

If there's a downside to this quick turnover of material it's that I don't get to hone jokes as much as if I did the same stuff over and over. But I think that'd be pretty boring anyway. I'd rather take chances on new stuff. That's more exciting for me and I think audiences feed off that excitement too.

As for 30 minute sets: I wish! Occasionally, I'll do a 15 or 20 minute set but the average set in NYC is usually 8-12 minutes.

Is your favorite joke the same with the joke that works best with the audience? What is that joke?/What are those jokes?
My favorite joke is always changing. Usually it's something fresh because I get sick of stuff quickly. So check out my most recent set and you'll probably see what's my fave stuff at that time.

Sometimes a joke I really love will fall flat with the audience. I might try it a couple more times but if it still gets nothing, I'll drop it. You've gotta follow the laughs.

What's your take on offensive material? How far can you go? How far do you go?
Well, I'm not crazy about comics who use dick jokes and naughty words as a cheap way to get laughs. That seems rather childish.

But I like things that are smart and truthful even if they are offensive to some folks. The truth is often offensive. That shouldn't stop you from telling it.

How far can you go? It depends. I think the more people like you as a person, the further you can go with doing edgy stuff. It depends on the audience too. I talk about sex, nazis, rape, and other stuff but it's usually in a pretty lighthearted way. Sometimes I go too far and lose an audience. It's a balancing act that I'm still figuring out. If you get them on your side by first being friendly and likable, it makes it a lot easier to get away with the dark stuff.

Do you think we should be able to laugh at anything? (Why?)
I don't think any topic should be untouchable. If it's funny, it's funny. The more offensive something is, the more it has to actually be truly funny.

You argue that stand-up is about being a funny person, not having funny material. Why is that?
Actually, it was Woody Allen who said that first so I can't take credit for it. I think it's about being a good performer. A lot of writers think all they need to do is write funny jokes. But then they get onstage and bomb. The jokes are only part of the equation. Your energy, rhythm, confidence, personality, delivery, etc. are all hugely important too. I think that's what Woody means. It's about writing good material AND being a good performer. Funny people can get laughs before they even get to the punchline.

What's the most important advice you'd give to someone that wants to start doing stand-up?
Do it as much as you can. There's no substitute for stage time.

Learn to listen. The audience is telling you all the time if you're on the right path or not. You need to gauge the laughs, the silences, the energy of the room, and figure out when they're with you and when they're not. A lot of new comics recite their acts instead of reacting to the room which can be a turnoff. Great comedy is a dialogue, not a monologue.

Live an interesting life. It's tough to be compelling onstage if you don't have any life experience that makes you worth paying attention to.

What's the stand-up comedian that you'd recommend as a "case study" for a beginner?
There's no one person. Everyone's gonna have their own comics they prefer. Find whoever makes you laugh the most, figure out why they're funny, and learn from that.

Seinfeld on Carson for the first time

Johnny's reaction at the end is pretty cute.

Lots of good Seinfeld on Letterman clips at YouTube also. Watched a bunch and I feel like there's an almost songlike verse-chorus-verse quality to his bits. They last a few minutes, there's a distinct rhythm, always a few peaks but also some valleys where you wonder if it's worth it, and then they end with a real zinger.

Especially nice to have this stuff online since Seinfeld doesn't really have an album that captures him in his prime. (His post-TV fame "I'm Telling You for the Last Time" is shit compared to his earlier stuff.)

Why comedy is different than painting

There's no other artform that depends as much on the audience as comedy. If the audience doesn't do its job, a comic can't succeed.

Other kinds of artists don't have to deal with this. Monet was never like, "Man, I really want to paint some water lilies today. I hope those fuckers bring a canvas. And hold it steady."

Even the best painter in the world can't paint if there's no canvas. And when you're starting out, a lot of audiences don't give you any canvas. They're more like a napkin. So you've just gotta turn that napkin into a canvas. Picasso that shit. 'Cuz Picasso could make anything into art. Picasso: "What do you got? A napkin, a cigarette box, and a trombone. Ok, here." And he'd collage that crap into something great. He was like the Macgyver of fucking art.

Comics need instant approval from the audience. Monet didn't have to start painting yellow and then turn around and be all "Hey, did ya like that? Was that good?" He didn't need a bunch of random fuckers to say, "Yes, we agree with yellow! Yellow amuses us! Continue!" Or he'd put in some green and there'd be a bunch of people who are all silent, "Hmm, we're not sure about green. It's too soon for green."

And Monet never had to worry about bombing. If he did, I wonder if he'd just take the easy way out: "Fuck, they don't like water lilies or landscapes. I know, I'll paint a dick. Everyone can relate to dicks."

The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency

I think they gave this show the wrong title. It should be called "The Argument Against Plastic Surgery."

Chicago show on Wednesday

Hey Chicagoans, I'll be doing a spot on Wednesday at Fizz. The Comedians You Should Know Show, Wed 9 p.m. - 11 p.m. Price: $8. At Fizz Bar & Grill on 3220 N. Lincoln Ave (map).

"This is a roomful of people who would like for you to stop talking"

The scene: Sound Fix in Williamsburg. Open bar for an hour and then the show begins. It's a good crowd for the most part but a few people in the back, who were probably just there for the drinks, keep talking.

I'm the third comic up. I decide to try and plow through the din. It's going pretty well and most of the crowd is digging it. But the talking doesn't stop (the main culprit is this guy at the bar who's talking to a girl and ignoring the stage).

So I decide to say something. The guy doesn't realize I'm talking about him though. So I start pretending I know what he's saying. The whole crowd loves it. Finally he realizes what's happening. Good times.

Here's the video:

Do you drink during/before a show?

"My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said, 'Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch.' I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see."
-Mitch Hedberg

PK asks:

Do you drink during/before a show? are you more on point with or without a buzz?

For me: I often have a drink or two beforehand to get loose but usually not more than that. I like to be sharp and be sure I'm not slurring or sloppy or anything like that.

I have a different take on being stoned than most standups though. Most comics I know, even ones who are stoners, never go on stage high. But I've performed "in the zone" before and actually like it. Maybe not the best thing for a super tight set. But, if I'm just playing around and experimenting, it can help me feel in flow and loose and lead me to interesting places.

If it's advice ya want, I'd say you know best what you can handle. If you can handle your liquor or your weed really well, then who cares. If you're an embarrassment after two drinks, save it for after the show.

Got a question? Post it as a comment.

Drum lessons

I used to be in a band and we used to practice in a rehearsal space in Chicago. The room next to us had this guy who was always playing drums alone, working on his technique, practicing one-handed fills, etc. Our drummer, Rich, thought this was ridiculous.

I'll always remember the advice Rich wanted to give this guy on how to be a good drummer: "Stop practicing your fills, smoke more weed, read Aldous Huxley, and listen to Ringo."

Good advice that. I guess the comedian equivalent would be: Stop writing at home and get up onstage more, smoke more weed, go see pros at The Cellar, and, well, still listen to Ringo. (Actually, if you watch the Beatles Anthology, Ringo really is hilarious.)

Free show + open bar tonight in W'burg

Comed​y free willi​amsbu​rg
Wedne​sday,​ Septe​mber 3rd
OPEN BAR 7-​8PM,​ SHOW @ 8pm

FEATU​RES
BRYAN​ TUCKE​R (​snl,​ chapp​elle'​s show)​
MATT RUBY
KEVIN​ WILLI​AMS (​comed​y centr​al)​
GABE PACHE​CO
JAMIE​ KILST​EIN (​bbc,​ comed​y centr​al)​
w/​GUEST​ HOST SEAN PATTO​N!​ (​montr​eal comed​y festi​val)​

@ Sound​ Fix Loung​e
110 Bedfo​rd Ave/​N 11th
(L to Bedfo​rd,​ 3 Block​s North​ or G to Nassa​u)​
No Cover​

Would you ever write with someone else?

A question from Abbi:

I was talking with a comic who likes to get small writing groups together to bounce ideas off each other. I have heretofore been very protective of my writing and assumed all comedians would be insulted if invited to such a session. Now I'm wondering if it could actually help. She said you have to pick someone whose style of comedy you like and respect. Their purpose is to help you develop your ideas or take them in a new direction, not write your material for you or give you a direct punchline. Would you ever write with someone else or allow a group to influence your ideas?

Yes, I think writing with someone else can be very helpful and I do it on occasion. (I've only written with one other person at a time, not sure how a group session would work.) Sessions like that help cuz you get to say stuff out loud, bounce ideas around, get a different perspective, etc. How much influence others have is up to you. It's not like you have to follow their advice.

Def good to do it with someone you know, trust, and think is funny. You need to be able to tell each other straight up if something sucks.

Also, I definitely don't think it's insulting to be invited to do this. In general, feeling insulted or offended won't get ya far as a comic. Thick skin and all that.

And I'd advise against being protective of what you write. Most of what you (or anyone else) writes sucks. Oh well. Deal with it, get it out there, kill the crap, and build on the occasional jewels.

In fact, it's kind of a good idea to fall in love with negative feedback. Compliments are nice but knowing what went wrong is just as educational (maybe more?) than knowing what went right.

P.S. I know this Q&A stuff makes me sound like a condescending prick. (OK, I usually sound like that anyway.) Anyhow, feel free to take it all with a grain of salt or post why you disagree in the comments. You can also leave any more questions in the comments.

An alcoholic offers his Boston sightseeing tips

So Mark and I are in Boston hanging out after a show and discussing what to do the next day. We're talking about going to see revolutionary shit — stuff from the American Revolution, not iPhones or new Nikes — on the Freedom Trail.

Some dude hanging out next to us goes, "Nah, don't do that." So I ask him what he recommends instead. He says, "You drink, right?" I say, "Yeah." He answers, "Well, there's a couple of brewery tours you could do. And then there's also this outside bar that you can hit up starting at noon."

So this guy thinks the only worthwhile thing to do in Boston during the day is drink. Who gives a shit about where Sam Adams lived when you can drink him instead?

At this point, I decide to fuck with him a bit. "That's cool for me, but my friend here doesn't drink." This pale look comes over the dude's face. He thinks for a few seconds. Then he perks up and says (seriously), "Well, do you do meth?"

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You don't consume alcohol...so clearly you must dig METH. Like that's the logical next step. "You don't kiss on the first date? You must love being gangraped then!"

I was tempted to fuck with him even more. But then it occurred to me that methheads aren't known for how well they take a joke. You don't see a lot of methheads being roasted at The Friar's Club. (Well, unless you count Stephen Seagal or Drew Carey.)

The incident also makes a case for the idea that brewery tours are a crock of shit. Everyone knows that the whole point is the beer drinking at the end of the tour. It's not like anyone gives a shit about vat technology. "Yeah, please enlighten me about hops and barley...this knowledge will be wonderful for my thesis on why I'm divorced and under house arrest again."

Actually, maybe this guy should start offering tours of his meth lab: "The bathtub lab tour that will blow you away...maybe literally!"

Greg Proops is better than you think

I had kinda dismissed Greg Proops as that goofy TV guy that does improv, pre-Oscars coverage, game shows, etc. Turns out he's actually a hilarious standup too. Who knew? Listen to "Paul McCartney" off his "Houston, We Have A Problem" album. Great bit. The whole album is strong too. I get a little of a Carlin vibe in how he's not afraid to be really scripted and literate with his jokes. Plus his riffs are impeccable too. Really fun when he goes after the crowd for not keeping up.

I get heckled by Limp Bizkit's one remaining fan

So I'm at a mic at The Pit. Late night, kinda dismal, tired crowd. I get up onstage and girl is talking in the front row. I comment on it and move on. Then I start in on this joke about a band I saw. I say they sound like Limp Bizkit but less talented and I'm getting on to the rest of the bit when the girl starts talking again.

Turns out she likes Limp Bizkit. I ask her if it's the lyrics or Fred Durst's charm she likes. She also likes Linkin Park. And Nickelback. I told her that made sense. If you like the smell of shit, you'll love the smell of farts. I then ponder if she's a teenage boy who likes to lift weights. Here's the audio:



I dove right in because I was happy to have something in the moment to riff on. It was the sort of room where written stuff wasn't gonna fly very well anyway. So I chose to view her talking as a gift, not an insult.

She kept talking throughout the night and someone else yelled at her hard later. It got applause but I don't think that's the way to go. I think anger usually equals fear. They smell the same to me. The calmer you are when handling a talker/heckler, the more you seem like a pro.

Besides, she fucking likes Limp Bizkit and Nickelback. Life has been tough enough on her already.

Paul F. Tompkins on dealing with hecklers:

When I first started, I had enormous difficulty dealing with hecklers. Any time anyone in the audience said anything, I instantly went on the attack, and in a rather inelegant fashion. I just tried to shut people down with insults. What took me forever to learn was that you have to give these people enough rope to either hang themselves or show that they are not actually a threat.

Bill Burr's take is to just say whatever you're thinking:

I would just say when you’re getting heckled, just really go with what you’re thinking, because even if it isn’t funny, it’s going to be something hateful. If you just really tapped into how sad that person was making you, you could turn it into something. There’s no formula for it. I would just go with what the hell you’re thinking.

Video: Johnny Carson and the Ed Ames tomahawk incident

Carson was such a master. So much to love here: When Ed Ames goes to get the tomahawk, Johnny grabs him as if to say, "Oh no ya don't. This is what I live for." Then he milks the laughs some more. Then he starts sharpening the blades on his tomahawks — metaphorically and literally. And then bursts the bubble with the absolutely perfect line. So good.

Do your haircut or clothes matter?

PK asks:

Do you get more laughs with a clean cut hair cut or with a sloppy mop up top? like if i get too close of a haircut and tell a slightly racist joke, i might get booed off the stage, keep it long and it'll probably fly. is it mean or is too clean cut not funny. like why is this comic's shirt tucked in?

Yeah, I do feel like there's a slightly different vibe onstage now that my head's shaved. But I think it'd be pretty weak to blame a joke not going over on my haircut. My cut may be military-like but I think my delivery and material usually do a good job of indicating who I actually am.

Also, it depends on what kind of comic you are. Someone like Zach Galifianakis or Matt McCarthy cultivate a zany look and it works because they are zany comics. People like Brent Weinbach or Jim Norton or Patton Oswalt keep it tight and that works fine for them.

As for dress, most comics look like slobs. I think that's lame. I like it when performers look like performers. I like when Paul F. or Steve Martin wear a suit. It shows me they respect the stage.

When I see a comic dressed in jeans and a hoodie, some part of me expects them to be generic. If you're a sheep in how you dress, the odds go up that you're gonna be a sheep in the jokes you tell. And don't even get me started on the lameness of cargo shorts onstage (or anywhere for that matter). Of course, plenty of successful comics dress this way so it's not a 100% thing in any direction.

My take: Yes, this stuff matters somewhat. But if a joke depends on your haircut or your outfit in order to work, it probably wasn't that great a joke. If your look is true to your personal style and onstage voice, you'll do fine.

Got a question ya want to ask? Post it as a comment.

County Fair and Substantial Stand Up shows

Fun lineups at shows I'm on tonight and tomorrow:

1. County Fair hosted by Ross Hyzer
Mon 8/25 - 8:00pm
Pianos: 158 Ludlow Street (between Stanton and Rivington)

Guests:
Claudia Cogan (ECNY Nominee, Best Female Standup)
Ben Kissel (the bizarro me - or am I the bizarro him?)
Joe Mande (Best Week Ever)
Matt Ruby (the MTV)
Lisa Delarios (Live at Gotham)
and Baron Vaughn (Aspen Comedy Festival)

2. Substantial Stand Up hosted by Dan Fontaine
Tues 8/26 - 8:00pm
TenEleven: 171 Ave. C

Guests:
Mike Lawrence
Pat O'Shea
Dan St. Germaine
Kumail Ali
Joselyn Hughes
Matt Ruby
Adam Newman

Weekend recap: WAFH, funky buccaneering, Mulaney/Kroll

Fun weekend. "We're All Friends Here" on Friday was a blast as usual. I think we're starting to really hit our stride with the show. There's always a few what the fuck moments and everyone always learns something new (e.g. did you know that wart hypnotizers exist?). We also explored the causes of anti-semitism, big butts, cocaine vs. ecstasy, etc.

I once heard Howard Stern say that if he felt like he shouldn't talk about something on the air then he knew that's exactly what he should talk about. We're using that as a guiding principle of "We're All Friends Here." And I think it's a big part of why the show's so fun.

Then on Saturday, I debuted The Hip Hop Pirate at the Delusions of Spandex show at Parkside Lounge. You will be hearing more from the funky buccaneer shortly. And a video is in the works too. Stay tuned.

Then headed over to Comix to catch the John Mulaney/Nick Kroll late show. They killed it. Mulaney is on such a tear. His Comedy Central Presents tapings is this week (ticket info) and I imagine that's the set we heard. It's going to be the shit. Def some Paul F. and Birbigs influence going on in how his newer bits are interesting stories that still manage to deliver lots of funny along the way.

My fave part of the show was seeing Kroll and Mulaney bring the "Oh, Hello" boys back to life. Just cool to see that level of agreement and unity when characters are totally ridiculous. Plus, they seemed to be entertaining each other a ton too. You def pick up the vibe when two performers have known each other for years and genuinely like each other.

I'm a big Kroll fan too. Fabrice Fabrice live is like nothing else. And the act-outs in his standup are so over the top. Really brings an actorly vibe to stuff which can take bits to a whole new level (Baron Vaughn does this really well too).

Related: I was kinda surprised that Mulaney is writing for SNL now. Is it really a step up to go from a CCP to an SNL writing gig? Hmm. I gotta think he's angling to be on the show in the future. I think he'd make a great news guy (Tina Fey and Seth Meyers both took the writer > news route). Would be cool to see SNL pull in Kroll eventually too. Could totally see "Oh, hello" guys and Fabrice as SNL characters.

And finally, on a serious note, best wishes to Joe Powers. Funny comic, sweet guy, and friend of mine who was injured in some sort of freak roof/balcony accident this weekend. Got this Facebook message about it: "Fellow comedian and friend Joe Powers survived a serious accident this weekend and is currently at Bellevue Hospital in stable but very serious condition in the intensive care unit. While the injuries he sustained are serious, he is doing well." Here's to a speedy recovery.

Norm Macdonald rules

Norm Macdonald's so fucking good. The timing, the deadpan, the twinkle, etc. One of those guys who might not have huge mainstream success, but smart comics all recognize how brilliant he is.

And now he's getting almost Kaufman-esque with this awkwardly gentle roast of Bob Saget:







Some more Norm greatness in case you've never seen: Here's Norm, Conan, and Courtney Thorne-Whatever discussing Carrot Top. The fun starts around 1:40 in. Legendary.



I love how Conan nearly falls off his chair at the end.

I always loved this line Norm did about Joe Camel:

This is what I've noticed. He doesn't even look like a fucking camel. He looks so much like a cock, because you know how it's usually subliminal, where you have to find the cock? Right? This character, you have to find the goddamn camel!

He used the same bit on The Daily Show once too. It was two days after crocodile hunter Steve Irwin died. When Norm starts in on the Irwin thing, Jon Stewart goes, "Please don't do this anymore."



Viva Norm!

"We're All Friends Here": Show on Friday plus Episode 3 of podcast

Latest episode of the "We're All Friends Here" podcast now available...Best one yet!

Episode 3: Rob Cantrell, Kumail Ali, Jacqueline Novak, and Dan St. Germain

Topics covered: dating a heroin addict, menstruation, terrorism, Pakistanis vs. Indians vs. Jews vs. Arabs, weed arrests, marriage, and more. More episodes here.

And come check out the next "We're All Friends Here" show on Friday featuring Jesse Popp, Sean O'Connor, Neal Statsny, and Jena Friedman.

We're All Friends Here
Aug 22 @ The Creek
8pm
Free
Hosted by Matt Ruby and Mark Normand
10-93 Jackson Ave at 49th Ave
Long Island City, Queens
Subway: 7 to Vernon/Jackson, G to 21 St/Van Alst, E or V to 23 St/Ely Ave.

Sweet outdoor patio for hanging out after the show too. Come on out.

Performing for foreigners and little kids

In the past week I did one show where there was a 3 year-old in the room and one where the audience was almost entirely foreigners. I don't really stop and think about my jokes as a whole until I wind up in situations like those.

With the kid in the room, I realized how not clean my act is. Tons of cursing, talking about sex and blow jobs, etc. Even when I tried to do a clean joke, I realized it ended with fuck and motherfucker in the punchline. And that's not to mention all the miscellaneous fuck and shits I throw in as asides.

A few comics I know have been doing camp shows this summer for 12 year-olds. I don't think I'm cut out for that. I guess I could just come up with different bits for that audience but I don't think it's worth it. Sure, stage time is stage time. But I really don't care what a bunch of fifth graders think about my act. If I did, I'd just go do another set at Nick's Comedy Stop. [Hi-yo!]

As for the foreigners, that's a show at a youth hostel uptown. Done it twice now. Makes me realize how many of my jokes are about American or language-specific things. Stuff that's funny to natives but not necessarily to people from around the world.

I tried to single out the universal stuff beforehand but it's tough to tell what's gonna fly. What works best there is crowd work stuff or anything in-the-moment.

Another comic told me his approach was to just tell his jokes and they either get it or they don't. Admirable in a way but I think you've got to listen to the audience and calibrate at least somewhat. Or that's what I like doing at least.

But like I said, the best reactions were to in-the-moment stuff. For example: It's a silly basement room at a youth hostel so there was a guy on a laptop, another guy texting, and a girl filing her nails. She was in the front row so I called her out on it and explained that filing your nails is the universal symbol for being bored. Audio below.



Now I just need to work on my witty comeback for when someone's clipping their nails in the front row.

Video: Behind the scenes at MTV

So all summer I've been doing these talking head spots on the MTV show "FNMTV." They show me videos and I make fun of 'em. Kinda like Best Week Ever but the targets are stupid bands instead of celebrities. I made this video to show y'all what that process is like (move over Billy Bush!):



This week's FNMTV will feature the Solange Knowles and Gym Class Heroes videos I mentioned along with whichever comments of mine they choose to use (airs every day in the AM).

Standups who hate improv but love "Curb"

A lot of standups hate on improv but love "Curb Your Enthusiasm." That doesn't make much sense since Curb is mostly improvised. Maybe they just mean they hate shitty improv. But really, who doesn't? Shitty standup ain't no picnic either.

Speaking of Curb/improv, I think Jeff Garlin's manager character on the show is a near-perfect example of "Yes, and..." No matter what ridiculous scheme Larry concocts, Jeff is right there in agreement and ready to be an enabler. You want to steal a golf club out of a dead guy's casket? Sure, I'll help you do that.

Here's a great Curb scene where Larry and his wife pretend to be Republican WASPs in order to get into a country club:

Written vs. onstage jokes

OK, so I post joke ideas here in written form sometimes. The problem is written jokes usually aren't nearly as funny as they are on stage. No delivery, timing, etc. How often do you read a joke in a book, magazine, or online and actually laugh at loud?

I bring this up because comments are now open here. Earlier today I posted a joke and an anonymous commenter left a message that said, "Crickets." I presume that was this person's way of telling me the joke wasn't funny.

Slight problem there though: The joke is funny. To some people at least. I've told it a few times and it does surprisingly well. Here's a clip of it from a set I did in Boston:



I'm not saying it's the greatest joke in the world but it works. And one thing I like about telling it is people start to get it at different points in the joke. It reminds me of a bit in Steve Martin's book (some excerpts) where he talks about how he doesn't like punchlines because he likes jokes where audience members have to decide for themselves when to laugh. He explains that style of joke creates a deeper connection than straight setup/punch jokes because the person decides on their own when to laugh.

Anyway, back to the point: "Anonymous" is certainly entitled to think the joke sucks (or just isn't funny in written form). And do feel free to leave comments here if ya think a joke sucks. I actually enjoy negative feedback when it's thoughtful. Just keep in mind that written jokes aren't the ideal format. (Not to mention a lot of the things I post here are untested ideas. I'd argue that new jokes are like baseball at-bats: A 30% success rate means you're doing pretty well.)

And I'd respect "Anonymous" more if he/she left their name. Anonymous, negative comments are lame. Here's the way I tend to picture anonymous online commenters:

Painting fences, scrubbing decks, waxing cars, etc.

I decided I want to get better at doing stuff around the house. You know, painting fences, scrubbing decks, waxing cars, etc. So the super at my mom's housing development agreed to help me out and teach me this stuff.

So I went over to his house to start learning but he just started showing me karate moves. And I'm like, um, ok. But then for three days straight he had me doing nothing but karate moves. Finally, I was like, "Listen dude. I came hear to learn how to paint fences and scrub decks and wax cars, not do your karate for you!"

Anyone not see where this is going yet? I can continue if I have to. I can enter a car waxing competition against the evil car waxers from the other side of town. "Sweep the wrist, Johnny! Sweep the wrist!" There can be a sequel to this where I start scrubbing decks in Okinawa. Alas, I think that's enough though.

Subtle doesn't always fly

The biggest thing I noticed about Birbigs' 80 min set at UCB the other month: how effortless it was. He just seems so natural up there. No big show. He's such an everyman onstage. Especially when you consider how clever and what a craftsman he really is. I also love his kinda half-assed act outs (see Kenny G) that get the point across but are still true to his own personality.

Of course, the fact that he's subtle makes it tougher to work certain crowds, like a venue full of Opie and Anthony fans [via The Comic's Comic]:



Ouch. No wonder he's moving to doing theater shows. I can't recall him ever using the word "motherfucker" before. Even when he tries his money joke ("a rapist wouldn't have a bed like that..."), he rushes through it and gets little reaction from the crowd.

(I've noticed in my own stuff that there's a direct correlation between confidence and timing. When shit's on, timing seems to just take care of itself. When it's rough, I start rushing through jokes thinking that I need to get to the punch as fast as possible. But then I lose inflection and wind up sounding like a robot.)

Re: the O&A crowd, I've heard similar stories about the crowds at Artie Lange shows and saw it firsthand when I caught Joe Rogan at Caroline's. Crowd was a bunch of mooks who watch Fear Factor and Ultimate Fighting. It sucked because I've heard Rogan interviewed and he's very soulful and intelligent. He wasn't that night though. It was more like watching a guy step into the ring.

Tiki riffing at Otto's Shrunken Head

I recently did the Shrink show at Otto's Shrunken Head, a venue that's also a Tiki bar. Here's a photo showing what the stage area looks like, Tiki heads and all. There was also a Mac laptop onstage showing photos. And there were flashing lights going too. It was rather distracting. Here's what I said about it:

Comments are now open

Alright, people have asked for comments here. Now there are comments here. Will anyone actually leave a comment? I predict: No! Prove me wrong.

Reading stuff onstage is lame

Comics shouldn't read stuff onstage unless it's really funny. 90% of the time it's a sign to the audience that they can go to sleep now.

How often do you see people on TV reading from a piece of paper? That's because no one wants to see it.

The problem with vegetarians

Where my vegetarians at? Holla!

Here's my beef with you guys: I don't get the logic sometimes. A veggie freak I know told me: "You shouldn't drink milk because humans are the only species that drinks the milk of another animal." Yeah, but maybe that's because we're the only species that could figure out how to do it. It's not like there's a gang of salmon working on pasteurization. Roosters don't milk cows...that could be a moral choice, or it could be that they don't have hands.

Are we really only supposed to do what other animals do? "You know what we should get rid of? Medicine. It's just so unnatural. Ya never see other species curing illnesses. Let's stay authentic, like animals. You know what else is a real stinker? Fire. Ya don't see any other species using fire...why should we be different? And to hell with concrete, we should all live in nests!"

I say we've got opposable thumbs and big brains...let's ride this train and see where it takes us.

I also don't get when these guys claim they actually prefer the taste of vegetarian food over meat. You know this is BS because when you go to a vegetarian restaurant, the menu is filled with fake meat products: tofurkey, fake'n, and sham. These are the tribute bands of the food world. "Tonight, playing all the hits of real beef...it's Not Dogs!" (Not to mention the fact that these puns are laaaame.)

You can't hate the real thing but like its impostor. That's like saying, "I can't stand Vegas but Branson, Missouri is the bomb." Or "Heineken sucks. But O'Douls rules!" If ya love 'em so much, just let vegetables be vegetables.

Louis CK divorce

Continuing in the stream of recent Louis CK posts here...Maybe I'm late to the party but I just found out the other week that Louis got divorced recently. Kind of takes all those jokes about his kids and his wife and puts them in a different light.

Feels similar to when Howard Stern got divorced. A huge part of why those guys could talk the way they did was because you knew (or felt like you knew) that deep down they were actually loving family guys.

The guy who goes home to his wife and kids can get away with slamming them onstage and still have it be endearing in a way. The guy who's no longer with his wife and kids and tells nasty jokes comes off sounding a lot different. Will be interesting to see how this impacts his standup.

Update: CK says he'll no longer talk about his wife in his act. Also, he's got custody of his kids for half of each week so it seems like that will still be a big part of his comedy. He addresses the divorce issue in some recent interviews...

In "Interview: Louis C.K., 'Chewed Up'" [Dead Frog], he says, "Divorce is not death. People treat it like it’s death. And it’s not. It’s another life."

But what divorce has done to me as a person and a father it’s a huge. It’s another avenue that’s unexplored. And in a good way. I tried to say this on stage once but it didn’t come out funny. But these are all doors that you can’t look through before you walk through them. There’s no peephole on the children door and on the divorce door.

I think just like when I was on the other side with other parents and saying how it feels for real for parents who are raising their kids and putting the work in. That was a cathartic thing for me and for my audience. And I think the same can be the same thing here, because, Jesus, more than half the people are divorced now.

In an interview on The Sound of Young America, he says, “No good marriages end in divorce.”

The internet provides "answers"

Yahoo! Answers: Why does a pirate always wear an eye patch?



Well answered, Peach! (Why am I researching pirates? Stay tuned.)

Best Bernie Mac set ever

One of my fave sets ever is this legendary Bernie Mac Def Comedy Jam spot:



Jokes are dumb but man does he rip it. Gets in rhythm and owns the fucking place. Love the crowd reactions. And those pants. At what point in your life are you like, "You know what would look good on my pants? An airbrushed portrait of my face!" RIP Bernie.

Keith Ledger

I always like it when comedians put stuff out that highlights riffs, conversations, and other things besides the typical 'ol written material (e.g. Zach Galifianakis - Live at the Purple Onion, David Cross - Let America Laugh, etc.).

So maybe I'll start posting some more riffs here. First up is from a set a couple weeks back. A comic before me was talking about "Keith Ledger." He then realized that wasn't right. Someone yelled out, "Heath Ledger." He replied, "No, the guy who plays The Joker." I went on a few minutes later and commented on that.

"Featured NYC Comedian" at Slava's site

I'm the "Featured NYC Comedian" (i.e. there's a video clip of me) at Slava Yaryshkin's New York Comedy Open Mics page. Thanks Slava.

Email discussion re: the naked comedy showcase

I wrote:
how was the naked show?

Myq wrote:
it was pretty cool
the PIT was full and the audience was generally really good
you ever do it or think about it?
it's good stagetime, for sure

I wrote:
i haven't done it because i don't want anyone to see my giant pussy. but yeah, i hear they always pack the place.

Myq wrote:
understood
it's definitely great to do if you have a huge dick like me
i mean
if you Are a huge dick like me
no
have
i mean have

The ballad of Jimmy The Greek

The TV show "The NFL Today" used to feature a professional oddsmaker named Jimmy The Greek. He was also a professional alcoholic. He was fired when, during a drunken interview, he gave his theory on why blacks are better athletes than whites.

Poor idea there for sure. But why might he have thought it was ok to discuss race and ethnicity in public this way? Perhaps it was because, for his entire life, he had been called Jimmy THE GREEK. Maybe that's the point when you stop being super-sensitive to racial topics, when people refer to you as [Your name] the [Your ethnicity].

And I love that people who thought it was fine to call him Jimmy The Greek were outraged by what he said. Imagine if instead of Jimmy The Greek, he was Raoul The Mexican . Would people have still been shocked? "You know who just said something insensitive? Raoul the Mexican! I just can't believe that Raoul the Mexican could be so culturally insensitive! It's too bad Raoul The Mexican isn't as enlightened about race as I am. I'm really disappointed in you, Raoul The Mexican."

The funny thing is his name wasn't even actually Jimmy, it was Dimetrios Georgios Synodinos. He was Greek after all. I can see the tech guys in the booth trying to type out his name out and being like: "D-i-m...oh, hell no. Jimmy. That fucker's Jimmy. Jimmy what? Uh, where's he from? Alright, good enough!"

Brent Musberger even used to call him just "Greek" on air. "Who do you have in this game, Greek?" I don't think this would've flown with other ethnic groups. You wouldn't hear: "Bengals-Lions: Who's gonna win, Jew?"

A weekend of comedy in Boston

Fascinating weekend of shows in Boston.

The Comedy Studio
On Thursday, I did Myq and Micah's (final?) show at The Comedy Studio in Boston. What a great room. Rick Jenkins, the guy who runs it, gives the place a fun, intimate vibe. You can tell he really cares about taking care of the performers and the crowd. And that's pretty rare for comedy clubs.

Myq and Micah are both super comics (and soon to be full time NYC-ers). They had their work cut out for them as hosts: Some dude in the crowd wouldn't stop yelling shit out. They told him to shut up several times but he kept talking to the comics until he got a warning from the owner that he'd get the boot. Then things settled down.

Mark Normand, who went up there with me, had a great set. I had a good one too though my last joke, an old one where I make fun of the gay pride parade, fell flat. I wanted to tell one more but then I couldn't think of a quick one and the light was already on and I said fuck it and ended my set there.

I remember thinking it was super awkward and that I paused for like 10 seconds but when I watched the tape it wasn't bad at all. Still, I woke up at 6am the next morning thinking about it and couldn't get back to sleep. Being sensitive to even little mistakes is a double-edged sword: It keeps you on the track to getting better, but it can be tough to judge a set objectively when you fixate on the little things that went wrong instead of the good things that went right. But anyway, lesson learned: I'll now remember to have a quick one-liner ready to go if my last joke doesn't hit the way I want.

Nick's Comedy Stop
The next night I did a guest spot at Nick's Comedy Stop. This is a "real" club. Over 100 people there. The guy who hooked me up with the spot advised me to "be dumb, be dirty, and don't tell 'em you're from New York." I tried my best. Did a quick five minutes that started out well but tapered off at the end. I ended with my joke about "avant garde blowjobs," which has been killing, and it got hardly anything. I actually don't think they knew what avant garde meant.

Also, my Jerry Orbach joke didn't fly all that well. I'd say maybe he's only a fun topic to New Yorkers, but I've done well with that joke in Chicago too. Maybe I'm just not feeling it anymore. Crowds can smell that.

But man, you shoulda seen the jokes the other comics were hitting with. The crowd loved when they made fun of people from Revere or Somerville (boy, are they dumb!), dick jokes, and some over-the-top racist jokes about Asians. In fact, one comic put pantyhose over his head to pull his eyebrows back and then did his William Hung impersonation. I shit you not. That may be the precise moment when I realized I don't really want to become a club comic. Not if it's anything like that.

ImprovBoston
On Saturday night, we went back to catch the early show at The Comedy Studio. (By the way, one thing I noticed about the Boston comics I saw: They didn't veer from the plan much. Not a lot of riffing, crowdwork, or commenting on what's happening. It was almost exclusively setup/punch and then move along.)

Then, I did a late night set at ImprovBoston, a bit like the UCB of Boston. I was the only comic on the show and then there was a video and a sketch group. It was a cold open — the hosts announced the show and then brought me up without any warmup. Still, I had a really fun, longer set. Solid all the way through and got to branch out and tell some of my more storyish jokes. Great crowd who got it and played along nicely. Compared to the previous night, it was a real pleasure.

It all got me thinking. Funny is funny and I want to be able to make people laugh anywhere. And I know you're not supposed to blame the audience (Chris Rock and Louis CK always say that). But man, I'll take places like The Comedy Studio or a theater crowd like ImprovBoston's over a papered (free admission) audience that just wants to hear dick jokes and monosyllabic words. This weekend was a good A-B comparison of that.

Sandpaper Suit now on Twitter

I created a Twitter feed at twitter.com/sandpapersuit. Right now it's mostly just links to posts here but maybe I'll branch out on it in the future.

Jerry Seinfeld on comedy: "Just work!"

Jerry Seinfeld's advice to comics (from Jerry Seinfeld on Comedy):

There's nothing that makes it easier. They have this comedy convention in Las Vegas. They have the agents and the managers and the talent scouts from the shows and they have these seminars and they have discussion groups. And I would like to be in charge of that thing. I would get rid of all those people and I would bring all the comedians into a big room and I'd have a huge banner come down that says, "Just work!" And I'd send everyone home.

Everyone wants to know if there's some way of getting around all the work and I'm here to tell you: "No." If you want to walk the tightrope, that's what it takes. That's why so few people make it. And that's why it is the profession that it is.

Just work!

Mike Birbiglia calls this Seinfeld Q&A "the perfect instructions for developing a comedy act" and likes to mention it in interviews.

There's a great interview in the On Comedy series on Laugh.com where they interview Jerry Seinfeld, which is a world of insight into stand up. Seinfeld talks about stand up as being a scene and the audience as your scene partner. They're responding, you're listening and then responding back. They're not responding verbally but with their laughter and applause.

It's a conversation, not a monologue. They'll tell you where to go if ya listen.