A collection of Charlie Rose interviews with comedians like Seinfeld, Rock, Chappelle, Martin, Rickles, etc.

The Charlie Rose site includes videos of his interviews with comedians like Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Steve Martin, Don Rickles, and lots more.

The bad news: The site doesn't organize them in a way you can find them all easily. (Some are under the keyword "comic," others "comedian," others "standup," etc.)

So I dug through the site's archives and grabbed all of Charlie's comedian interviews. I'm posting them here so ya can find all of them in a single place.

Some notes: The list goes in alphabetical order by last name and the descriptions given are from CharlieRose.com. For some of the clips you'll need to fast forward to get to the comedian interview. (That's why Bernic Mac looks a lot like George Bush in the still shown below.) To skip ahead or to get full size versions, click through the links.

On to the clips...

	Dave Chapelle (04/28/2004) A conversation with sketch comedian Dave Chapelle about his hit television comedy show on Comedy Central, which uses humor to examine race relations in the U.S.
	Stephen Colbert (12/08/2006) A conversation with comedian Stephen Colbert, host of "The Colbert Report" about his life and career, the rise of television punditry and his successful partnership with Jon Stewart on "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report".
	Larry David (05/13/1998) A conversation with Larry David, co-creator of "Seinfeld", about the behind-the-scenes stories of the show's end.
	Janeane Garofalo (10/10/1997) A conversation with comedian Janeane Garofalo about her standup comedy on "HBO Comedy Hour", her film "The Matchmaker" and her role on "The Larry Sanders Show".
	Ricky Gervais (10/21/2004) A conversation with British comedian Ricky Gervais about his hit BBC sitcom "The Office".
	Bernie Mac (05/23/2002) A conversation with comedian Bernie Mac about his starring role in "The Bernie Mac Show", his roles in films such as "The Kings of Comedy" and his book “I Ain't Scared of You: Bernie Mac on How Life Is”, an autobiography.
	Bill Maher (05/04/2007) A conversation with Bill Maher, comedian and host of Real Time with Bill Maher.
	Bill Maher (11/20/2002) Comedian Bill Maher, former host of the ABC television show "Politically Incorrect", talks about his new book, "When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden: What the Government Should Be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on Terrorism".
	Bill Maher (07/31/2001) A conversation with TV host Bill Maher of "Politically Incorrect" about his show, which blends a late-night talk show format with a Sunday morning news program. He discusses his comedic approach to politics, the controversy surrounding some of his remarks and his plans for upcoming segments of the show.
	Bill Maher (04/04/1996) A conversation with comedian Bill Maher, host of "Politically Incorrect", which brings together unlikely guests to discuss current events. Maher discusses his experiences creating and hosting the show and offers his take on the news of the day.
	Steve Martin (01/25/2008) A conversation with actor and comedian Steve Martin about his career, his life and his memoir: "Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life."
	Steve Martin (09/29/1998) A conversation with actor Steve Martin about his book of humorous essays from "The New Yorker", collected in "Pure Drivel".
	An interview with Steve Martin (10/04/1996) An interview with actor, comedian and writer Steve Martin, whose career began in the seventies with appearances on "The Tonight Show" and "Saturday Night Live" and then transitioned into film with movies such as "The Jerk" and "All of Me".
	Lorne Michaels (09/26/1997) A conversation with the creator and producer of "Saturday Night Live" Lorne Michaels about launching the upcoming season, his career in television and comedy and his life growing up in Canada.
	Bob Newhart (10/10/1994) Actor Bob Newhart talks about his career in Hollywood and return to stand-up comedy.
	Conan O'Brien (08/24/2006) An hour conversation with the host of NBC's "Late Night", Conan O'Brien about hosting the 2006 Emmys and his experiences as a writer and actor straight out of Harvard. He talks about his succession as host of the "Tonight Show" in 2009 and the development of his comedy.
	Richard Pryor (12/13/2005) A remembrance of legendary comedian Richard Pryor.
	Paul Reiser (05/15/1996) A conversation with comedian Paul Reiser, the creator and star of the hit NBC sitcom "Mad About You".
	Don Rickles (08/30/2007) An hour with Don Rickles. Rickles discusses his career and new memoir Rickle's Book.
	Chris Rock (03/16/2007) A conversation with actor and director Chris Rock about his comedic influences, his directorial process, and his film "I Think I Love My Wife", which provides a humorous take on the state of modern marriage.
	Chris Rock (04/12/2004) A conversation with actor and comedian Chris Rock about his popular stand-up routines and his comedic album "Never Scared".
	Chris Rock (09/09/1996) Comedian and actor Chris Rock talks about his career in comedy and serving as the sole presidential campaign correspondent for "Comedy Central's Politically Incorrect".
	Ray Romano (09/29/2000) Actor and stand-up comedian Ray Romano talks about his hit sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond", which draws from his own family life and middle class upbringing.
	Jerry Seinfeld (11/05/2007) A conversation with Jerry Seinfeld about his film Bee Movie.
	Garry Shandling (02/29/2000) Actor Garry Shandling, best known from his critically acclaimed television show "The Larry Sanders Show", talks about writing and starring in the film "What Planet Are You From?"
	Garry Shandling (11/16/1998) An hour conversation with comedian Garry Shandling about his role in "The Larry Sanders Show", his film "Hurlyburly" and his book "Confessions of a Late Night Talk Show Host: The Autobiography of Larry Sanders".
	David Steinberg (06/22/2007) A conversation with author and comedian David Steinberg about his book "The Book of David".
	Jon Stewart (09/29/2004) A conversation with Jon Stewart, Emmy Award-winning writer and host of "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central, about his book "America the Book: A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction".
	Jon Stewart (05/21/2003) A conversation with the host of "The Daily Show" Jon Stewart about the difficulties of tastefully and comically covering the war in Iraq.
	Jon Stewart (08/09/2002) A conversation with comedian Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show", about the current events that inspire the show and the incorporation of humor into serious subject material.
	Jon Stewart (08/15/2001) An hour conversation with Jon Stewart, the host of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show", about his career as a comedian and broadcaster, his Peabody Award for the show’s coverage of the 2000 Presidential elections and the role of comedy in politics.
	Robin Williams (12/10/2002) An interview with comedian and actor Robin Williams about his stand-up comedy tour, recent film roles in "One Hour Photo" and "Insomnia", and his travels to the Middle East.
	Robin Williams (04/20/2000) In a lively conversation-cum-comedy routine, actor and comedian Robin Williams talks about his life, career, politics, and other the work of other comedians.

You can find a few more comedy-related interviews with actors like Will Ferrell, hosts like David Letterman or Jay Leno (fyi, Conan made the above list because he's still actually funny), and writers like Tina Fey at CharlieRose.com.

Barking for comedy clubs

Classic Mitch Hedberg joke:

Whenever I walk, people try and hand me a flyer. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

Here's a friend of mine (who's really funny) doing some barking — passing out flyers for a comedy club — in New Orleans. He has some fun with it but you can see how it'd get old real fast.



In NYC, a lot of the mainstream clubs try to get newbie comics to bark. Even if you're desperate for stage time, it seems like a bad deal to me. It's soul crushing and even if you do it really well, you'll probably just get stuck doing it more.

My .02: Hit an open mic if you're hard up for stage time. Or start a new room/mic where you can perform and/or trade spots with other people. (Same thing goes for bringer shows too.)

An in-depth analysis of that creepy Fox NFL robot

The Super Bowl's gonna be on Fox. That means one final dose of that ridiculous robot that Fox puts on all it's NFL telecasts:



Love how he stretches (because robots totally need to stretch before they play football). And he points a lot too...because robots are HUGE trash talkers. He's all like, "You better get your WD40 ready, bitch!" Or "Yo momma was a Texas Instruments calculator."

Silly me, I thought football was exciting enough on it's own. But no, we need a 'roided out transformer to really jazz things up.

During Thanksgiving he was even a turkey robot. A turkey that's a robot that plays football. Parse that.

People have mixed feelings about the robot. This guy thinks "That fucking FOX NFL robot is out of control"...some choice comments there:

Flex This Says:
December 3rd, 2007 at 9:46 pm
The robot would kick your asses, obviously you guys are just jealous because the robot has a huge johnson and does your girlfriends as long as they needs him for, then he keeps fucking, and fucking, and fucking...By the way...have you seen your girlfriend or wife lately ?

Love this. Mr. Flex nailed it. I hate the robot because I am jealous of him! I'm jealous of him because he's fucking my girlfriend. And then he just keeps on fucking her. And no, I haven't seen my girlfriend lately. Probably because she's fucking the Fox NFL robot. Man, look at what my life has come to. I don't even have a cool screen name like "Flex This."

jamesk256 Says:
January 14th, 2008 at 10:40 am
The robot appeals to the same people who wear sweatpants out shopping. And consider TGI Fridays a good choice for a “special occassion”. These people are idiots, the robot symbolizes all of their shortcomings so they can relate.

Can I agree with James yet still love TGI Fridays? I mean I wouldn't have a wedding reception there or anything. But a bar mitzvah...sure!

"The Fox NFL Robot" is a post that says, "Don’t people like robots? Don’t they like football? Why shouldn’t the two things be combined?" Some comments there:

Laurel
January 10, 2007 at 2:08 pm
I immensely enjoyed the Fox 25 ROBOT during our regular season and I hope they keep him as a ‘mascot’ for the NFL. For all you anti-Robot folks, relax, it’s an R-O-B-O-T ... he’s fun, he’s energetic, he’s tough and he’s jazzed to play some ball, so just relax and let him! It’s a great icon! Stop taking yourselves so seriously! Life is good!

That sure is an optimistic outlook for someone who's actually commenting on a blog post about the Fox NFL robot. How do you stay so positive even though you're a grown adult living in your parent's basement? (Bah, I'm reading these damn things so I guess I should keep my mouth shut.)

Da Wood
January 11, 2007 at 3:18 pm
Oh, man.....after a 5am bender on saturday night....there is nothing better than watching that robot go f’n BANANAS on FOX!!!! He pulls off some high knees, jumps, and then the trademark ...YOU...YOU...YOU..YOU.....NYYYYAAAAAAAAA!!!!....After i see him my clothes start to rip and my skin turns green.....I’m ready to HULK!!!! GO BEARS!

I assume "Da Wood" is another dick reference, right? I def need to get more penis action going in my screen names.

There's even a FOX Sports Robot Action Figure for $19.95.

Last year's revival of the NFL Robot on FOX marked the beginning of a new era for America's favorite spectator sport...The FOX Sports Robot utilizes its fully articulating joints to evade defenders and score touchdowns. A must-have piece for every sport fanatic's collection.

Saying the return of the robot "marked the beginning of a new era" seems like a slight exaggeration to me.

"A chance to destroy the Fox NFL robot" talks about the action figure. Some of the comments:

Anonymous said...
You Guys are total squids...

Please tell your Sex in the City fantasy league buddies you will be late for power yoga today and go spend your $20 on the Shawn kemp is my father T-Shirt....

You had me at "Please tell your Sex in the City fantasy league buddies you will be late for power yoga today..." That's a pretty terrific way to start a paragraph. We may have the next Raymond Carver here.

I also like this exchange...

October 22, 2007 10:48 AM
Anonymous said...
Why does a robot have to stretch? I ask myself this question every Sunday...

October 22, 2007 11:43 AM
Jarrett Carter said...
Look around the league at the pethora of injuries, and tell me you don't want the robot to warm up appropriately...

Touché.

October 29, 2007 7:52 AM
Anonymous said...
When I saw that dopey robot doing warmup exercises,deep knee bends and running back and forth,I laughed like hell. I hate to say it, but the robot was the best part of the entire day's broadcast. I'm going to buy the poster and the plastic model.
(ps) I'm 78!

78!? Oh man, tell your kids you have Alzheimer's now. It's only going to get worse.

Lastly, here's the robot dancing and ghost riding the whip...



There's really nothing more to say after that.

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Performing for little kids

I was asked to perform for "a group of five-year olds" on Saturday. I turned it down. Just because I can make adults laugh doesn't make me think I know anything about making a bunch of kids laugh. Especially not after listening to the horror stories I heard on This American Life's How to Talk to Kids which featured this story...

Sean O'Connor and Nick Maritato are professional comedians, and their job usually involves saying things that kids aren't supposed to hear. But last summer they got booked on a tour of kids' summer camps. TAL producer Jane Feltes tells us what happened.

The show I was asked to do: The Rachel Trachtenburg Morning Show.

The drummer girl who's been touring with her parents' Slideshow Players art band for the past five years is now 13, and she's hosting her own all-ages show. We're in awe—she's already figured out how to keep it both focused and freeform. And kids are entranced, probably as much by her sweetly feisty teen persona as by the funky puppets, the sparkly headbands she helps them craft, the snacks she makes for them to eat and her mom's felt-board storytelling aid.

Actually sounds pretty cool for a kiddie show. But I'm still pretty sure my jokes about strippers, nazis, etc. wouldn't have gone over so well.

10 things I hate: the vajayjay edition

People who play drinking games
Drinking games are insulting to alcohol because they imply booze has to be combined with a silly recreational activity. No one ever tries this with other substances: There's no Crossword Puzzle Crack, Oxycontin the Tail on the Donkey, or Heroin Sudoku. Forget the wacky sidekick, alcohol can carry this film just fine on it's own.


People who knit on the subway
You realize we've solved this problem, right? It only costs 30 cents to have someone in Bangladesh make a scarf that's way better quality than the dyslexic one you've spent over 400 hours on. I hope it's big enough to cover up the chasm that's been growing in your soul ever since you got rejected by eHarmony.


People who wear Bluetooth headsets that blink
You realize that your eyes are actually located in front of your ears, right? That means that annoying blinking light isn't actually viewable to you. So, unless you're worried about getting clocked by a low-flying plane, that light is merely there to show off to the rest of us. And we don't care that you have to take calls all the time (and fyi, it's more impressive to _not_ have to take calls).


Street performers who paint themselves silver and stand like statues
Just because you cover yourself in spray paint, stand on a box, and stop moving does not mean you deserve to get paid. You're just shiny and doing nothing. If this deserved compensation, office workers could just put on a bunch of glitter, show up at work, and pass out at their desks. Give that a whirl and see how it goes.


Any football fan who gets all sanctimonious about Michael Vick
How on earth could an athlete who's been trained from a young age to compete in a vicious, brutal sport, one that causes terrible injuries, merely for the entertainment value of others who like to place bets on that sport, think it could be alright to, well, train animals from a young age to compete in a vicious, brutal sport that causes terrible injuries merely for the entertainment value of others who like to place bets on that sport. Outrageous! (In other news, I'm putting big money on the Giants to cover against the Patriots in the Super Bowl. If Eli starts throwing interceptions, I'll kill him!)

People who claim vegetarian food tastes as good as meat
If so, then why is the menu at every vegetarian restaurant filled with fake meat products like Tofurkey, Sham, and Fake'n? I consider these the tribute bands of the food world. "Tonight, playing all the hits of real beef: Not Dogs!"


Anyone who says vajayjay
Because body parts that rhyme can't be naughty! Er, do you still say pee pee and doo doo too?


Any local newscaster that does an "investigative report" revealing what hotel rooms look like under a black light
If you've never seen, here's the gist: The blankets at all hotels are actually 3% down and 97% semen. Enjoy your next hotel stay.

Related: What's Hiding in Your Hotel Room?

While cleaning crews may dust, vacuum and disinfect daily, most hotels say they do deep cleaning only four times a year, on average -- unless stains are visible. But most unsuspecting hotel guests aren't prepared for the surprises Primetime found, like urine on a hotel Bible.

"Urine on a hotel Bible"...if that was a Robert Mapplethorpe piece, it'd be in a museum.


The makers of POM pomegranite juice
Why does a 16 oz. bottle of this stuff cost $18,000? Is it made from unicorn piss? (That's piss that comes from a unicorn's vajayjay, btw.)


Hipster guys who wear those leather "gladiator" wristbands
Yeah, you're a fucking gladiator Brandon or Brody or whatever your name is. You're 126 lbs. of don't-fuck-with-me. Really, I get it: If ya mess with the Fine Arts program at Bard College, you get the horns! Please don't slit my throat with your asymmetrical haircut and then use my blood to make street art.

R.I.P. Rififi?

My show Flying Carpet started at Mo Pitkin's and then that place shut down. I moved it to Rififi. Now the same thing's happening again: Rififi To Close (?). Sigh.

The whole story is that Robert, the owner of RiFiFi, gathered a bunch of the people who do shows (and some of staff at the bar) the other night and basically said that the bar will close under present ownership at the end of February, but that he was willing to let any of us take over the lease and try to take it over under new management. There are a few more details than that, but let's just leave it at that for now.

Bobby Tisdale, host of Invite Them Up, posted this message about the potential closing:

It is true there is probably a five percent chance Rififi may exist under new management, but without a doubt, Invite Them Up will hold its last show at that particular venue on the 27th of February.

That doesn't mean the show is over-- we will be doing some specials from time to time throughout New York City and probably go on tour in the future.

Bummer that this means the end of Invite Them Up, prob the best downtown show out there. Where will the other Rififi shows move to...Piano's? Brooklyn maybe?

As for Flying Carpet, I'll do one more at Rififi (Feb. 5) and then prob move to a secret undisclosed location for the next one after that. Could actually be very cool. Stay tuned.

Video: What online commenters *really* look like

This is a dramatization of Citysearch user Alinoelle78's review of the New York restaurant "Butter."

Burlesque shows are silly, not sexy

I think burlesque shows are silly, not sexy. If you've never been, burlesque is stripping...but for girls who went to art school.

I guess that's great if you like to see chicks named Misty Kitten, Penny Butterscotch, or Dirty Martini play the spoons while shaking their cellulite. But to me, it's a festival of things that are not quite what you want them to be: The girls aren't quite that attractive. And they don't quite get naked. And they don't quite have a real talent. But it's ok because they're performing for a bunch of guys who don't quite have the balls (or money) to go to a real strip club.

I find this quite offensive. Not as a feminist, but as someone who enjoys real strip clubs.

See, I subscribe to the philosophy that two wrongs don't make a right. So if I don't want to see a chunky girl in a bikini and I don't want to see her hula hoop, then I really don't want to see both at the same time.

I'm just not looking for intellectual stimulation or artistic integrity from a stripper. I'm not trying to write a thesis, I'm trying to get a boner. That's why I want a girl who shakes her tits like she's illiterate. (Btw, that's going to be the name of my first hip hop single: "Shake Ur Tits Like U Illiterate"). I think stripping should be about degradation, not deconstruction. I'm old fashioned that way.

Overuse of the word "ghetto"

I'm sick of people using the word "ghetto" to describe things that are not at all ghetto.

"My computer setup at work is so ghetto. Every time I want to transfer files from my G4 to my MacBook Pro, I have to unplug my printer. So ghetto." Um, you know when your computer setup is ghetto? When it's in a pawn shop. Otherwise, it's pretty suburban.

"My GPS system is so ghetto." No, it's really not. Not unless it's just some homeless guy in the trunk yelling, "Turn the fuck around."

You should only be allowed to call things ghetto if they're really ghetto. Like this: "My collection of crack vials is so ghetto."

Related: Since when does "urban" actually mean black. What if you're a Black R&B singer from Alaska. Are you still considered urban?

Flying Carpet on Tuesday with God's Pottery, Tony Pizzazz & Dr. Xanax, and more

Tomorrow (Tuesday) night, Flying Carpet returns. I'll be hosting, showing a video, and getting funky. All the acts are great but I'm especially psyched for the NYC debut of Tony Pizzazz & Dr. Xanax, who are coming down from Boston. Here's their description at MySpace:

Victims and gentlemen. I am Tony Pizzazz. Magician/Level 3 sex offender. I was recently reunited with my former partner, Dr. Xanax, the Hypnorapist. Please come check out one of our performances. Our shows are unlike anything you've ever experienced before. It's something you'll never forget, no matter how hard you try. Just let it happen...

FLYING CARPET
FREE comedy extravaganza
Tue, Jan 15 (9:45pm)
RIFIFI at 332 E. 11th St. btwn 1st and 2nd Ave.

FEATURING:
* God's Pottery - Christian acoustic folk duo, new record out on Comedy Central Records
* Tony Pizzazz & Dr. Xanax - UNBELIEVABLE magic act from Boston...so good it's criminal
* Master Lee - Kung Fu comic with appearances on Conan O'Brien, Showtime At The Apollo, America's Most Wanted, & Sesame Street
* John F. O'Donnell - ECNY Emerging Comic Award nominee
* Dan Curry - Comic, author, and comic strip artist

Cartoon masterpieces: High Note, Duck Amuck, and What's Opera, Doc?

High Note


Duck Amuck


What's Opera, Doc?

Live shot from 50 First Jokes

Me live at 50 First Jokes. Photo by Maryanne Ventrice, here's her full Flickr set from the show.

Demetri Martin compares developing in comedy to teaching

In The Sound of Young America podcast Dog Days 1-7-06, there's an interesting interview with Demetri Martin. When he talks about why he doesn't like performing in comedy clubs, he compares progressing in comedy to progressing as a teacher. The gist: Performing at clubs is too much like babysitting a bunch of little kids. (This bit starts around 40:00 in.)

I always think of the levels of comedy as you go along in the developmental stages, it's a lot like being a teacher. When you're teaching young people, kindergarten through 2nd grade, it seems like more of your job is about discipline than it is about the content of teaching subjects. You have that big part of it where you don't want people to shit in their pants or fight or pull someone's hair.

Where, if you're a college professor, discipline should be a very small part of what you do. It's more about the subject. It's about the content that you're teaching. And people have even gone as far as to choose your class.

The [comics] I see at a very high level have gained that as professors because the audience has chosen their "class." They don't have to deal too much with disciplinary action for their audience.

So comedy clubs to me, the idea of people going to see comedy generically is kinda a funny thing because you don't do that with music. Most people don't go: "Q: What are you going to do tonight? A: We're going to go see music. Q: Who are you seeing? A: I don't know, we're just going to a music club and whatever bands are playing, we're gonna see."

Speaking of music/comedy comparisons: A while back I heard another comedian (can't remember who) make a funny point: If you're a band, the audience always wants to hear the songs they know, not new ones. For comics, it's the opposite: Everyone wants to hear your new jokes, not the ones they already know. (Though I've heard bootlegs of Mitch Hedberg and Patton Oswalt shows were people yell out joke "requests" that are met. Nice in a way but that's also gotta be a weird feeling.)

Hillary vs. Obama

TE: Someone asked my friend if he preferred hillary or obama
MR: yeah
TE: i told him he should say something like:
TE: well obama is only half black but hillary is 100% woman
MR: that's funny.
MR: but is she?
TE: touché
MR: i'm voting for hillary cuz she's half robot.

Next Tuesday's Flying Carpet: Christians, Criminals, and Kung Fu

FLYING CARPET
FREE comedy extravaganza
Tue, Jan 15 (9:45pm)
RIFIFI at 332 E. 11th St. btwn 1st and 2nd Ave.
HOSTED BY MATT RUBY

FEATURING:

* God's Pottery - Christian acoustic folk duo, new record out on Comedy Central Records

* Tony Pizzazz & Dr. Xanax - UNBELIEVABLE magic act from Boston...so good it's criminal

* Master Lee - Kung Fu comic with appearances on Conan O'Brien, Showtime At The Apollo, America's Most Wanted, & Sesame Street

* John F. O'Donnell - ECNY Emerging Comic Award nominee

* Dan Curry - Comic, author, and comic strip artist

Stitch and bitch bitching

Memo to people who knit on the subway: You realize we've solved this problem, right? We have people in Bangladesh who can do that for you. It's true, you can buy a scarf for $10 from The Gap instead of spending 400 hours making your own. What other medieval things do you do for fun?...Carry water from the well?...Catch bubonic plague?

Memo to guys who paint themselves silver and stand like statues in parks: This is not a real talent. If you're a performer, perform! Just because you cover yourself in spray paint, stand on a box, and do nothing does not mean you deserve to get paid for it. You're just shiny and doing nothing. If this deserved compensation, office workers could just put on a bunch of glitter, show up at work, and pass out at their desks. I tried that once, didn't work out so well.

50 First Jokes was cool

The 50 First Jokes show on Saturday night was a humdinger. Great vibe in the room for a few reasons I think. One, you had 50+ comics hanging out. A bit of a scene that. And then the crowd was really into it. I think because the bits were so short (1-2 minutes), it gave audience members a sense of relief. Even if you didn't like someone, it was over quick. That made it easy for even ADDers to tune in. Plus, there was a distinct rhythm. Comics actually had to get a laugh in that time and then get off. No dilly dallying. I wish more "alternative" shows had those elements. Instead, crowds are forgiving so performers can get a bit indulgent and wandery. (Whereas a club crowd will get on your back real quick if you try to just tell stories or whatever.)

Lessons from Improv 201 (Game of the Scene) at UCB

Notes from my Improv 201 class at Upright Citizen Brigade's Theater in New York. The class is called "Game of the Scene: Learn how to find and play games within scenes and create smart second beats." My instructor was Porter Mason.

I'll start with some bits that I think apply to doing standup too...

• Whatever scares you, do it.


• Specificity is our friend. Add it. 


• Establish and repeat. Hit the same note a couple of times.  


• Heighten: Have the stakes get higher and higher, keep one upping. 


• Honesty is our safety net. We can never go wrong if we speak how we honestly feel at the time. 


• Whatever you feel uncomfortable doing is exactly what you should try doing. 


• When in doubt, confess. "I think I have a problem." "I need to tell you something." Etc. 


• Go from A to C. Leaving the B out is often the interesting part because it lets the audience's brains make the connection. 


• First laugh line is often the audience telling you where the game of the scene is. 


• Give the audience relief by calling out the truth ("Phew, it's not just me.")


• Be ahead of the audience. If you just thought of it, go for it. If they already know where you're going, you've lost.

And some other notes that are more improv-y...

• The game is the central pattern of the scene. It's based on the first unusual thing that happens.


• Scene rules: Don't ask questions (answer them instead), don't deny the other person (build together), "Yes and...", avoid transaction/negotiation scenes (conduct the transaction and go), avoid teaching scenes, keep things active (show don't tell).


• The audience has a memory like a rat. They only pay attention to what's shiny and new. They'll forget whatever happened 30 seconds earlier. 


• Give reason(s) why for the game/action of the scene.


• Characters can disagree as long as you move the scene forward. If you deny, add information.


• Make future choices based on your first choice.


• Get out who, what, where early on.


• Ways to edit a scene: Add sound effects, be an inanimate object, swinging door, tag outs.


• Rules for editing a scene: 1. Edit at the peak. 2. Edit, don't comment. 3. Edit hard. 4. Late in the scene, if you want to walk on, edit.


• "If you think you should edit a scene, you probably should have done it 10 seconds ago" -Amy Poehler


• Answer "Why do I care?"


• 2nd beat of the scene #1: time dashes = same characters at diff time in their lives. 


• 2nd beat of the scene #2: analogous situation = diff characters in similar situation. 


• 2nd beat should heighten scene.


• If you come in with a premise, you have to be willing to drop it. Don't steamroll your idea into the scene. 

Related:
Lessons from Improv 101 at UCB [Sandpaper Suit]
Interview excerpts about the game of the scene [ITC Notebook]

Disaronno on the rocks

What I love about this commercial is its subtlety.

50 First Jokes on Saturday Night

On Saturday night, I'll be here...

50 FIRST JOKES is happening Saturday, January 5th!!! We are kicking off a new year of NYC Comedy by having FIFTY + Comedians tell their first joke of 2008. This is gonna be huge!!! We're gonna party at The Creek and The Cave (coolest bar ever) all night long. Presented to you by John F. O'Donnell, Claudia Cogan and Jiwon Lee

Starring: JESSE POPP, SAM BROWN, WILL FRANKEN, GIULIA ROZZI, BRANDY & SARA, HEATHER FINK, ERIK BERGSTROM, BRENT SULLIVAN, SEAN O'CONNOR, VICTOR VARNADO, BENARI POULTEN, SETH HERZOG, ADAM NEWMAN , CHESLEE CALLOWAY, JON FRIEDMAN, BRYCE RICHARDSON, KUMAIL NANJIANI, SEAN PATTON, ELIZA FARIA-SANTOS, JAMIE LEE, CHARLES STAR , LANG FISHER, ROGER HAILES, VINCE AVERILL, JORDAN CARLOS, MATT RUBY, MARGOT LEITMAN, DAN NEWBOWER, NICK MARITATO, KATINA CORRAO, CRAIG BALDO, MATT MCCARTHY, LIVIA SCOTT, CAROLYN CASTIGLIA, GLENNIS MCMURRAY, AUBREY TENNANT, OREN BRIMER, JAY BOIS, CASSIDY HENEHAN, BECKY CILETTI, JACKIE MONAHAN, SARA BENINCASA, ANDREW WRIGHT, TOM MCCAFFREY, RACHAEL PARENTA, BRAD STEUERNAGEL, DAN CURRY, TIMMY WILLIAMS, THE JERK PRACTICE, JOHN KNEFEL, JOSH FILIPOWSKI, LISA KAPLAN, RG DANIELS, GREG JOHNSON, GABE AND JENNY, SEAN CRESPO, EMMETT MONTGOMERY, CLAUDIA COGAN, JOHN F. O'DONNELL, and JIWON LEE

50 FIRST JOKES
Saturday, Jan. 5th - 8:00 PM (Doors 7pm)
FREE
@ The Creek and The Cave
10-93 Jackson Ave.
Long Island City, NY 11101
www.thecreeklic.com
718-706-8783

Melodies:lyrics = funny:ideas

Paul Simon's a great lyricist. Yet he admitted in a recent interview that the lyrics don't matter if the melody isn't there. If people don't think the melody's catchy, if they can't sing along, they won't bother to get to the lyrics.

The same's true for comedy. A comic's brilliant, insightful views on the world don't mean dick if they're not funny. You've gotta get funny first. Then, and only then, can you work on being the next Bruce/Maher/Hicks/other "important" comedian.

Catalog photo mashup: Ever since that Friday I've known what silence is

Chris Rock on his road to Madison Square Garden

Earlier in the year, Chris Rock showed up to try out material at two different shows I was on at Stand Up NY. Seeing him work on brand new ideas in a small room like that was really incredible. (I wrote about the first one back in March and the second one in April.)

On Monday night, he performs at Madison Square Garden in front of 20,000 people (and then goes on a six month tour). In Hard at Work on New Year’s Eve (NY Times), he talks about the months he's spent crafting his newest material.

But for Mr. Rock, as it is for those other guys, being gifted is really just about doing the things that make it look easy.

The least surprised person when that first laugh starts and then moves in a wave all the way up to the cheap seats will be Mr. Rock. For many months he has been piecing together his act in clubs in New Jersey, New York, Florida and Las Vegas. Comedy bit by comedy bit, he has built two hours of material one minute at a time, culling the belly laughs from the bombs.

And he knows it will work. Other people would admit to a deep breath or a big gulp before taking on the toughest crowd in the biggest room in their hometown — he grew up in Bedford-Stuyvesant — but Mr. Rock does not roll like that.

“You got to realize, I’ve been working on my act probably since around April, March,” he said, sitting in an office he keeps on the Upper West Side. “I am ready.”

The Stress Factory is near his home so he's done a bunch of shows there. The owner talks about how his act has progressed.

“He knows that they are going to give him that first laugh because of who he is,” said Vinnie Brand, the owner of the Stress Factory. “But he came out here and worked his material, over and over, cutting and trimming, until by the last show you could not believe what he had put together. He still has that hunger to be a great stand-up comedian, no matter what his name is.”

Or as Mr. Rock put it: “Maybe for about three minutes after I walk onstage, they’re into my résumé. But after that it’s like, ‘What’s he got?,’ especially in a town like this where you see famous people walking down the street.”

Two good bits from the interview: Rock says a good comic never blames the audience and that getting people to be quiet is "true ownership of the room."

He complains about nothing and is nobody’s victim. The responsibility, as he sees it, is all his, here and on the stage. The audience is there for the winning, but it takes work.

“When you get up there that first time and you don’t do well, you’re basically hearing ‘No’,” he said, looking out the window of an office from which you can see all the way to Harlem. “How are you going to approach this ‘no’? Are you going to respect it and put the blame on yourself and improve who you are, or are you going to blame the audience like an idiot?”

“It’s never their fault,” he said. “No matter how late it is, no matter how much they did or didn’t drink, no matter what the sound system is like, no matter how hot the building is or how cold the building is, it ain’t the crowd’s fault. You want to get up there, you want to be a good boy, you want to headline, that’s what you have to go in there with.”

Mr. Rock watched Eddie Murphy take over the Garden many years ago, and he has not forgotten.

“There were moments you could hear a pin drop, and that’s really what it’s all about,” he said. “Anybody can just say stuff and get people to scream. If you’re really good, you can get them to be quiet. Quiet is true ownership of the room.”

If you're curious to learn more about his workout shows, check out the writeups I mentioned: March show and April show.

Hair loss solutions, combovers, and facial hair

So my bald spot's growing. People say, "You should just shave it all off...Embrace it!" But that seems like a weird way to solve a problem: Just make it a lot worse. No one ever says, "You're starting to smell a little funky...you should cover yourself in skunk juice. Embrace your stink!"

And ya don't want to be one of these bald guys who grows a goatee, as if hair on another body part will give people some sort of mind freeze that makes them not notice your baldness. Did anyone ever say, "Was he bald? I couldn't tell because all I saw was that lucsious goatee!" If hair on other parts of the body is such a good distraction, then bald guys should start wearing tank tops and showing off their back hair. "Sure, I'm bald...but check out this handlebar moustache between my shoulder blades!"

Then there's these other bald guys who wear hats all the time. The worst are the ones who wear those Kangol caps backwards. Sure, 'cuz you're a big Samuel L. Jackson fan. Motherfucker! Sorry, you can't be more bald than a white guy in his 30's who's wearing a Kangol cap backwards. That's when you should have a combover. Take those four hairs and wrap them around your Kangol cap. Please.

I like the combover guys though because they're trying to sell the theory that it's quality, not quantity, that matters. "Sure, I've only got eight hairs left. But look at how long and flexible they are!" The combover is a great solution if you live in a world where wind doesn't exist.

Other guys turn to Propecia or Rogaine...but I don't really trust the pharmaceutical companies. These guys don't see to care about side effects though, as long as they have some hair. "That's right, I'm rocking the full head of hair again. Of course, I now have cervical cancer...but it's worth it. Chicks dig it, so who cares if I'm growing a uterus?"

I think I'll just grow a ponytail. 'Cuz the balding ponytail is one look that never goes out of style.

Or maybe I'll innovate with a a fresh, new look...no one's gonna care if I'm bald when I'm rocking the chef's hat:



Yes!

Whistles

I'm jealous of women because they get to protect themselves against things they fear. For example, they can carry around a rape whistle. But I can't protect myself against what I fear. I can't carry around an intimacy whistle.

Her: I just want to lie here and cuddle with you all night long.
Me: [Whistle!] No means no! And if you mention "Bed, Bath, and Beyond," I'm breaking out the commitment spray.

Can't happen.

Steve Martin's advice for making it as a comic: "Be undeniably good"

Steve Martin was on Charlie Rose last week. Great interview. At the very end, he gave his advice to someone who's trying to make it in show business: "Be undeniably good."

When people ask me how do you make it in show business or whatever, what I always tell them — And nobody ever takes note of it 'cuz it's not the answer they wanted to hear. What they want to hear is here's how you get an agent, here's how you write a script, here's how you do this — But I always say, "Be so good they can't ignore you." If somebody's thinking, "How can I be really good?", people are going to come to you. It's much easier doing it that way than going to cocktail parties.

Good reminder that shortcuts are rarely the answer. Those workshops on how to make it in the comedy business or how to get representation come to mind. But the real answer is to just be great. If you're fucking great, people will notice.

Example that comes to mind: Reggie Watts. Every time he performs, people are blown away. They don't just enjoy it, they are amazed. I gotta think that when you consistently amaze people, blowing up is inevitable.

How to write an advance letter to performers

I did a show at The Lincoln Lodge in Chicago last week. Great room/setup/crowd...really enjoyed it. They do a pro job running the room too. Check out this impressively detailed email sent out to performers the week of the show:

Well its the week of the big show! Looking forward to seeing you this Thursday/Friday and just in case this is your first show or you're a Lodge veteran in need of a refresher.......
 
Lincoln Lodge Performer FAQ:
 
Q: Where is The Lincoln Lodge?
A: The Lincoln Lodge is Located at the Lincoln Restaurant, 4008 N. Lincoln on the corner of Lincoln, Damen, and Irving Park.
 
Q: What time is the Show, and what time should I be there?
A: The Show starts at 9:00 pm, and performers should be there no later than 8:45 pm. If you have special technical needs (music, video etc.) you should inform the Lincoln Lodge of these needs at least a week prior to the night of your performance(s), as well as arrive no later than 8:15 pm so that all technical requirements and sound checks can be addressed.
 
Q: Am I getting paid?
A: Yes. You are paid a flat rate of $10.00 a show and a $4.00 commission per full paying audience member there to see you. The door staff keeps a running tally.
 
Your compensation will be distributed on the final night of your booking, following the end of the show (Special arrangements can be made for unusual circumstances).
 
Q: What is expected of me?
A: To arrive ready to perform at your best and to help publicize the show in any way you can.
 
Q: What Should I expect of The Lincoln Lodge?
A: You should expect that The Lincoln Lodge will do everything humanly possible to ensure that you excel in you performance. This includes providing every resource we have if needed, but please remember we are also comics and volunteers, and not technical geniuses. You can also expect to be treated with professional courtesy by staff, and cast of the Lincoln Lodge, and the Lincoln Restaurant.
 
Q: I get free drinks and food, right?
A: Sorry no. The Lincoln Lodge Budget does not provide enough funds to provide free drinks and food. Please remember that all food and drink funds go to the Lincoln Restaurant, not the Lincoln Lodge.
 
Q: Do I get any complimentary Tickets to the show?
A: Yes! You are allotted 1 free admission per performance. Please notify the Lincoln Lodge door staff on whom you are providing your complementary ticket to.
 
Q: In what order do I appear in the show, and how much time should I prepare?
A: Set lengths and position will be available at the show from the producer upon your arrival, and posted in several areas in the performance space.
1 If you are a featured comic you should prepare 10-12 minutes for each night.
2. If you are a guest comic you should prepare 8 minutes.
Please be aware that set times vary by night due to show constrictions.
3. If you are a variety act you should prepare 15 minutes.

Q: Can I cuss?
A: the Lincoln Lodge does not enforce a policy of censorship. We would hope that part of your professionalism would include not overtly offending our paying audience.
 
Q: Does the Lincoln Lodge provide a recording of my set?
A: Sorry, no. The Lincoln Lodge does try to record all of its shows but a quality recording may not always be available so you should make your own arrangements to guarantee a recording. If you wish to tape your set, you must provide your own equipment to do so. Also, please bear in mind that we do not provide a specific space to set up recording devices. You may set up equipment where space is available, as long as it does not encroach on, or obscure the view of, the Lincoln Lodge paying audience.
 
Q: Is the Lincoln Lodge a "bringer" room?
A: No. Please be aware that although there is no requirement to bring a certain number of audience members to perform at the Lincoln Lodge , we strongly encourage you to highly promote your appearance to take advantage of being seen in a showcase environment, increase your fan base, and maximize your financial compensation.
 
Q: What can I tell guests I have invited about the show?
A: Please inform any attending guests that dining is available from a full menu in the restaurant from 8:00 PM onwards and the pre-show dining is accompanied by music and a slide show. Full show information including on-line ticketing is available at www.thelincolnlodge.com if you wish to inform your guests via the wonderful world web or they can call The Lincoln Lodge info line at 773 251 1539 for details. Free parking is available in the restaurant parking lot located on the Northwest corner of Lincoln, Damen, and Irving Park.
 
Q: How can I help?
A: Contact The Lincoln Lodge for Promotional Materials for distribution, and find out about opportunities for flyering campaigns.
 
Thanks
The Lincoln Lodge

"According to Jim" has writers?

The show must go on, 'According to Jim' (Entertainment Weekly):

While sitcoms continue to go dark because of the ongoing writers' strike, at least one comedy is trying to keep the lights on. A show source confirms that ABC's According to Jim, which may return as early as this winter for a seventh season, resumed production this week in L.A. even though its writers are picketing. Jim Belushi, who also serves as an executive producer and director, will help run the show, though it's unclear whether he'll write, too.

Thank goodness they have that comedic genius Jim Belushi to bail them out! That guy is a hoot.

My favorite is when he does that Blues Brothers bit with Dan Akroyd. Nothing says class quite like stealing your dead brother's act and taking it on tour! Gallagher Too would be proud. Maybe Jim can write an episode where he plays a samurai swordsman at a deli...You know, as an "homage" to John.

My advice to the writers of According to Jim: Don't strike too long. You should feel pretty lucky that you collect a paycheck at all, no?

Everyone in NYC is an “artist”

It’s weird how everyone in NYC is an “artist” of some sort. For example, a girl I know went to see her gynecologist the other day. (Nothing serious, just a tuneup...check the tires, change the oil, etc.) And her gyno starts telling her how she’s also an artist. (I mean the gynecologist is an artist…She didn't look at this girl's pussy and go “Wow! This is a work of art.”)

Anyway, I'm not sure I'd like a gynecologist who's also an artist. Who wants an abstract vaginal examination? “You know, your vagina really evokes Georgia O’Keefe's blue period." Or even worse, she might talk like an art show press release: "I can tell your pussy lips address issues of neo-conceptual formalism and conceptually reposition and re-contextualize formal histories of gender roles in our society." That seems pretty unlikely though...especially since gynecologists probably don't call them "pussy lips."

The Pocket (interesting comedy links from around the web)

Update 08/15/11: The Pocket has been discontinued since these kinds of links are now included in the regular flow of Sandpaper Suit.



Older links from "The Pocket" at delicious.com/sandpapersuit.

Heart of Darkness show on Saturday at Julep

This is always a fun show. And that holiday party you were invited to will probably suck anyway.

How I dealt with a heckling clarinet player

Lately, I've been having fun dealing with people who behave badly at my shows. Not really hecklers, more like loud talkers or sloppy exiters. But the other week, I had a new situation. The backstory: I did a set at a variety show. Before me there was a band. After the band got off, they hung out in the back of the room by the bar. While I performed my set, one of 'em kept noodling away on his saxophone. I yelled at him to stop playing saxophone. He got indignant about the fact that it was a clarinet, not a saxophone. I thought he was a cockmouth. So I told him so. Here's a link to the audio.

Who's the bigger Hitler?

There was an interesting discussion at the Thanksgiving dinner I went to last year. The scene: Two women debate who's the bigger Hitler when it comes to preparing Thanksgiving dinner. "My kids say I'm such a Hitler because I have to have the turkey in the oven by 10am."

Really? See, I'm Jewish. In my house, no one ever compared themselves to Hitler. Especially not about how good they are at stuffing something into an oven. "Boy, the way you roast that carcass, you sure are like that evil dictator who murdered millions of people by roasting them in ovens. And then when you leave the gas on by accident, man, it's just like Auschwitz in here! And when you bury the bones in the backyard, try to fight a war on two fronts, and commit suicide in your underground bunker next to your girlfriend...that's all MUCHO Hitlery."

We don't reference other mass murderers this way. "Boy, your fridge is really stuffed...you are a regular Jeffrey Dahmer with the packed fridge!" Or "You always get to the airport so early...boy, you are such a Mohammed Atta that way. You are just a Bin Laden for advance planning."

"Rocket Man": William Shatner vs. Stewie Griffin

William Shatner performs Elton John's "Rocketman" at 1978 Sci-Fi Awards show:


So ridiculous that it would seem to be beyond parody. Yet here's Stewie Griffin's Shatner-esque version of the same song from "Family Guy":

Babies are a lot like little pet gorillas

My 9 month old nephew is like a crawling tornado. Kid walks into a room and instantly does everything he's not supposed to do. Rips the cable out of the TV, tears up papers, throws books around the room. And everyone thinks it's so cute. This doesn't work for adults. You can't walk into a room, throw garbage around the place, spit your drink in someone's face, slap a girl on the ass, and then puke in the corner and have everyone say, "Oh, he's so cute."

He also crawls everywhere and gets all filthy. I have a solution: They should make pajamas for toddlers made out of Swiffer pads. Then the kid can just crawl around to every corner and get some cleaning done. Would kick the ass of that Roomba thing.

Upcoming shows in NYC and Chicago

My upcoming shows:
Dec 6: 9:00PM The Clubhouse @ Telephone Bar
Dec 11: 9:30PM Chicago Underground Comedy @ Beat Kitchen - Chicago IL
Dec 14: 9:00PM Lincoln Lodge Comedy Show - Chicago
Dec 15: 9:00PM Heart of Darkness @ Julep
Jan 4: 7:00PM Family Hour @ Comix (Ochi’s Lounge downstairs)
Jan 5: 8:00PM 50 1st Jokes @ The Creek and The Cave

Future dates are always listed at my MySpace page. Details on tonight's show at The Clubhouse...

—
Okay Clubhouseketeers! This week is sure to please with some super funny peeps. Come join Peter, Cass and Jay a better show than STOMP! for free!

Tonight:
-Matt Ruby
-Brooke Van Poppelen
-Logan Jacobson
-Kyria Abrahams

The Clubhouse @ Telephone Bar
149 2nd ave. btwn 9th & 10th st
Free - 9ish - be there

Mansinthe is mantastic

A Liquor of Legend Makes a Comeback:

One absinthe that will try to brave the regulators next year is a spirit distilled by Markus Lion in Germany for the performer Marilyn Manson. Called Mansinthe, it is “designed to please newbies as well as long-term absinthe lovers,” Mr. Lion said in an e-mail message.

#1: Hey, what are you drinking?
#2: Dude, it's Mansinthe.
#1: Mansinthe? That sounds kinda gay.
#2: No way, it's named after Marilyn Manson!
#1: Shit, why didn't you say so in the first place!? I only buy products endorsed by goth rockers! Gillette Sensor Reznors, BauWowhaus Dog Food, Sisters of Mercy Shoe Polish, etc.

Ribbons and bracelets

These days everyone's got a stupid bracelet or ribbon that shows they support some good cause. (Previously: Ribbons that signify we need to save the whales who have breast cancer and work in sweatshops in Darfur.) Whatever...easy to wear accessories don't mean anything. If you really want to show you believe in a cause, wear something hard: "I'm wearing this KKK hood in the middle of Bed Stuy to show my support for those with breast cancer." "To show my support of PETA, I'm going to swim in this shark tank while wearing a necklace made from raw steaks!" Prove you’re willing to sacrifice something and then I’ll believe you actually give a shit.

Set at Bowery Poetry Club

My set at Brainy Axe a few weeks ago. Topics include: Jerry Orbach, Snickers, grammar nazis, the religious right, the East Village, and video games.

Sean Taylor's nickname: "Tha Hitman"

"Sean Taylor, Redskins star, dies after shooting" mentions Taylor's now unfortunate nickname: "His fierce style of play earned him the nickname Tha Hitman." Oof.

Here he is laying out the punter during the Pro Bowl.



Gotta give it up for a guy who's willing to drill the wimpiest guy on the roster during the one game where no one EVER hits hard. R.I.P. Hitman.

Alfred Hitchcock and the overlap between scary and funny

Horror films and comedy both rely on surprise twists. So maybe there are comedy lessons to learn from the master of the twist: Alfred Hitchcock. This article outlines some of Hitchcock's techniques. Some scary/funny overlap bits excerpted below...

People need to trust you. They need to feel safe and give themselves permission to go with you "on a ride." (That's why it's so key to build confidence at the start of a set.)

1: It's the Mind of the Audience

In the same way people go to a roller coaster to get thrown around at high speeds, theater audiences know they are safe.  As a film director you can throw things at them, hurl them off a cliff, or pull them into a dangerous love story, and they know that nothing will happen to them.  They're confident that they'll be able to walk out the exit when its done and resume their normal lives.  And, the more fun they have, the quicker they will come back begging for more.

This KISS bit reminds me of quote I dig about editing jokes as far as you can: "If it's not part of the joke, then it's part of the problem."

7: Keep the Story Simple!

If your story is confusing or requires a lot of memorization, you're never going to get suspense out of it.  The key to creating that raw Hitchcock energy is by using simplistic, linear stories that the audience can easily follow.  Everything in your screenplay must be streamlined to offer maximum dramatic impact.  Remove all extraneous material and keep it crisp.  Each scene should include only those essential ingredients that make things gripping for the audience. As Hitchcock says, “what is drama, after all, but life with the dull bits cut out…” (Truffaut) 

You've got to stay ahead of the audience. If they know where you're going, they won't be surprised and they won't get that aha moment that creates laughter.

12: Surprise and Twist

Pull the audience in one direction and then another, trick them, and keep them from knowing what's really going to happen.  You must make the audience think they know whats coming next, and then you pull the rug out from under them.  It must never turn out the way they expected.

Dad wants to know...

One sentence email from my dad: "Who is Hannah Montana?" I told him and asked why he wanted to know. His response: "She was mentioned a few times on various TV channels, but they didn't say who or what she is. Apparently she is now on the way to becoming a national icon or whatever. I feel totally out of it not knowing such vital information."

Moby's #1 fan is out to get me

First, I made a video joking about different ways to assassinate Moby.



Moby then linked up the video at his blog because he thought it was funny: "i especially like the image of me being eaten by a tyrannosauraus rex. and if you're going to die, it might as well be at the hands of a very young hall -n- oates."

Responses poured in from his fans. Some thought it was funny, others thought it was in poor taste. But one diehard fan, Patrice (his MySpace profile image to the left), really took it personally...

10/16, 2:23 am - Moby posts video.

Patrice's responses:

--

10/16, 2:34 am - As long as I live no body will kill you [Moby] without being killed by my own hands
No matter how long it would take me and find the bastards
 That's a vow
;o)
P.

10/16, 2:41 am - What a crap song !!!
I try to imagine the guy getting his rocks on recording that shit track !!!
While in 100 y's time pupils will study your music @ school like classics, nobody will ever remember this man ... just like eninem of my arse by the way!

10/16, 2:42 am - I AM THINKING ABOUT KILLING MATT FUCKING RUBY
LOL LOL

10/17, 7:47 am - [Posts these photos]





10/17, 8:26 am - [Sends me MySpace message with a note and alternate lyrics]

Kill Ruby
Kill Ruby
Kill Ruby until he's dead

He eats shit and he's a real fucker
He eats shit and he's a real fucker

Would you like some proper food ?
No I can't coz I'm Matt Ruby
I only eat shit

Croak
Son of a whore !

KILL RUBY
KILL RUBY until he's dead

Kill him with a mower
Kill him with a mower

If I were his father
If I were his father
I would cut his balls off and give them to feed our pig ...
Yes let Matt Ruby's balls make our pig stronger ....

KILL RUBY
KILL RUBY
UNTIL HIS DEAD!

10/18, 9:30 am - I started a doll voodoo and needles on Matt Ruby with some italian witch ...
soon
His balls will dry down to the size of raisins
His tongue will swell at night unexpectedly from 1 am to 2 am causing hyper ventilation and suffocation !
His nails will turn purple, blacken and fall then will regenerate instantly after 1 hour, repeatedly with unbearable suffering only at daytime, driving him to distraction ...
He'll wake up if he can sleep with the devil's feet every fridays for the whole week-end
and finally will have hallucinating visions of his mother moaning and getting pound-shagged by a monkey in front of him every time he utters the word Moby
 Until he apologizes for being untalented and retires nooooooowwwwwww

[Note: If my balls dry down to the size of raisins, what will my father use to make his pig stronger?!]

--

About Patrice
So just who is my nemesis? He's got an interesting bio at his MySpace page. He starts off by talking about how he's written 130 "down or up-tempoed tunes" (diverse!) and sings "22 tracks per night as an average" (stamina!). Then it gets really good...

I was 25 when I decided to go and live in LONDON England. I studied there and partook in several auditions for musicals like Les Misérables and Pocahontas with good scores, for cruise liners. Back vocals on Rachid's demo, solo artist who happened to be one of Earth, Wind and Fire members' son. Worked as an extra on Portray of a Lady, 5th element, James Bond 18 and James Bond 19 where I met Talk Talk's first percussionist with whom I made comic shows and gigs in UK.

Alright, I guess when you make a song/video about wanting to kill someone, it's only fair to get some grief back in return. But I never expected to get death threats from someone who brags about 1) being an extra in a movie where he met Talk Talk's first percussionist, 2) auditioning for cruise ship musicals, and 3) singing backing vocals on the demo of a guy who is the son of a member of Earth, Wind, and Fire.

Inspired by Patrice, I'm thinking about adding this my bio: "I played the triangle during the American Idol audition of Sal Benedetto, nephew of Vincent Benedetto, bass player on two of the tracks on 'Sports' by Huey Lewis and the News."

Anyway, if I turn up murdered, send that image of goth Harry Potter Patrice to the cops, would ya?

Flying Carpet packs out Rififi!

Flying Carpet last night rocked! Thanks to everyone who came out (Rififi was packed) and to all the comics for bringing it (last minute guest David McSavage put in a great set too). After the show, one person told me it was the funniest show they'd ever seen and another comic said the show had "three of the best comics alive on the bill." Nice. Next one will probably be in January...stay tuned.

You will have the the time of your life

Tonight (11/27), you will have the the time of your life. You've never felt like this before. Yes, I swear it's the truth. And you owe it all to Flying Carpet.

I'm talking about the stacked lineup at TONIGHT'S FREE FLYING CARPET SHOW AT RIFIFI AT 9:45PM (map). On the bill: From San Francisco, Mr. Will Franken. I'd describe his act but you just gotta see it. SF Weekly called him the best comedian in San Francisco and the SF Bay Guardian called him “the best alternative to psychedelic drugs.” So if you're trying to quit LSD, this is the perfect show for you. Also bringing the trippiness: Mr. Reggie Watts. Beatboxing soul confusionist extraordinaire. He will also blow your mind. And there's sketch group Jerk Practice. Saw these guys kill it at a Halloween show and I said come bring some of that to Flying Carpet and they said, "Right on!"

And that's not all...We also have Ms. Julie Klausner, star of Obsessed with Julie and Jackie, a righteous show at UCB (they make great videos too). She's also a writer for "The Big Gay Sketch Show" so if you're gay it will be right up your alley. And if you're not gay, she's a chick...so no worries. Also: Mr. Vince Averill, a super standup who's performed around the country and stars in his own weekly comedy show on Sundays at Beauty Bar. He will be kickin' it in a very Byron Allen-esque way.

And it will all be hosted by yours truly, the King of Siam, Mr. Matt Ruby. I will tell you all about Moby's #1 fan who has been threatening to kill me!

And you get all that for free. Damn. See you there at 9:45 pm. Cuz' you're the one thing I can't get enough of.

Lineup for next week's Flying Carpet show at Rififi

Before you get your turkey on, here's an early warning for next week's Flying Carpet show at Rififi...It's a stellar lineup with standup, sketch, video, & music:

FLYING CARPET
FREE comedy extravaganza
Tuesday, Nov 27 (9:45pm)
RIFIFI at 332 E. 11th St. btwn 1st and 2nd Ave.

Will Franken (http://www.willfranken.com/)
Named “best alternative to psychedelic drugs” by the SF Bay Guardian!

Reggie Watts (http://www.reggiewatts.com/)
"Amazing and unlike anything you have ever seen. Unless you have seen a comedic stream of conscious operatic beat-boxing marvel. Then it's like that."—Eugene Mirman

Jerk Practice (http://www.jerkpractice.com/)
Sketch goup that hosts "A Show of Hands" at The Creek and the Cave

Julie Klausner (http://julieklausner.com/)
Host of OBSESSED with Julie and Jackie at UCB

Vince Averill (http://www.vinceaverill.com/)
Host of Sunday nights at Beauty Bar

...and hosted by Matt Ruby. Gobble!

Fat guys and really thin beards

I like it when super fat guys grow those super thin beards. You know, the kind that show you where their jawline would be if their face and neck didn't congeal into one big blob.

The only way you should have one of those thin beards is if you are 1) over 300 pounds, 2) Puerto Rican, or 3) in a boy band. Or all three. And if it's all three, why isn't there a reality show about you on MTV? "Menudo Fatcamp" = ratings gold!

You know, that's wrong. We shouldn't make fun of fat people. They're naturally hilarious. We should just watch them and let the laughter flow on it's own.

Your new favorite wide receiver

Best NFL name: Colts WR Craphonso Thorpe. Who will win out when he's covered by Steelers DB Shitstainzo Holmes!?

I've got genius ears

I'm an audiophile. That means I'm like a pedophile...but for sound instead of little boys. I have genius ears. For example, read this sentence out loud. (I'll wait.) Sounds like crap. You should turn down the 5k a few db's, raise the top shelf, and dial in the reverb at 300 milliseconds. Trust me.

I DJ a lot. I spin Macedonian Brass Bhangra fusion. I only spin tracks that are 2,620 beats per minute. That's the number of beats a hummingbird's heart beats per minutes. See, I marry the digital w the organic. You probably haven't heard me spin because I only do sets at underground bank vaults in Berlin. People have to dig their own tunnels to get there. That's underground. Once in a while, I also spin at an abandoned mine shaft in Reykjavik.

I spin really hard stuff. You've heard of Jungle? Well, I spin Rainforest. It's called Rainforest because that's how thick my beats are. My beats are thick! And you know when the weather's really shitty and they call it a "Wintry Mix." That's my mix. I remixed winter. That's how good I am. I put sleet before snow and the dancefloor went crazy.

I also host a podcast. (For non-technical people, that's a radio show for people with no friends.) It's a podcast of mashups. If you don't know, mashups are when you take two songs that completely suck and you combine them into one song that's incredible. It's art, man. Last mashup I made: Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle" mashed up with Cisqo's "The Thong Song." It's called "Genie in a Thong." It's genius, like Rachmaninoff. That's a classical composer. I've never heard him but I read about him once. That's how good my ears are...I just read about shit and I know what it sounds like.

I just finished another mashup. It's Kelly Clarkson's "Since You Been Gone" mashed up with the moans of a dying pelican. It's a political message: "Since you been gone...[mwaaaaaahnnnnnooooogggggggh]." That's "Blowing in the Wind 2008" right there, a call for political change. Everytime I play it, there's a coup somewhere in Latin America. Nicaragua or something.

You should check out my stereo setup. You probably have an iPod. Well, I've got an iPod...it's called a record player. Vinyl. I need all those frequencies because I hear it all. Maybe you can get by with MP3's. Then again, maybe you were in a car accident when you were a kid and it damaged your hearing and you still wet your bed and cry out for you Mom every night. Sorry, not my problem.

I've got killer speakers. My tweeters are tight. And man, you should hear my woofers. My woofers are huge. I can't turn up the low end all the way because I got a cease and desist order from the Indonesian government. See, I was pumping my favorite Norwegian death metal band: ¨. The name's actually an umlaut with another umlaut on top of it. Double umlaut power. I'd tell you to Google them but your keyboard probably doesn't have an umlaut key. I love death metal so much that I got a special keyboard that's made up entirely of umlauts. That's a true hardcore fan, man.

Anyway, ¨ is hardcore, dude. The band has seven bass players, three lead singers (who all sing into megaphones), a guy who plays the siren, and a DJ who scratches in the background. Nice. Last album, they brought a dozen homeless guys into the studio and stabbed them to death and recorded it.

Anyway, I'm blasting ¨ LOUD and I turned up the bass and then I get a call from Indonesia. Turns out my woofers started a crazy tsunami or something. Whatever, Indonesia. Get some soundproofing or something. I'm telling you, you've got to check out my woofers.

My tweeters are top shelf too. I turn up my high end and rottweilers everywhere start boning.

You probably listen to shitty music. Maybe you like emo. I like to listen to emo...when my pussy's bleeding.

That's on my light flow days. On my heavy flow days, I listen to Coldplay. That way I know I can endure any level of pain.

Listening to Coldplay is like being raped in the ears with knitting needles. It's like being raped in the ears by Chris Martin and then he ejaculates all over your brain. And you know what Chris Martin ejaculates? Sensitivity and anti-sweatshop pamphlets. He coats your brain with a viscous moral certitude.

I bet you like the Dave Matthews Band. Every Dave Matthews album should come with a sweatband. That way, after you're done listening, you can wipe the suck off your face.

Maybe you like the White Stripes. They used to be cool, before they sold out. I was into them in the early days, before they even put out a record. Before they even played instruments. I was into them when they were embryos. I got a bootleg of Jack White's ultrasound on a white label 7-inch. I said, "This kid's got something." And then he was born and I said, "Sell out." Being born is a totally mainstream move. Stay true to the womb next time, Jack.

Now I've got my eyes on a new prodigy, a four year old kid who lives in New Mexico. He plays a mean "Chopsticks" on the pan flute. Pan flute is totally hot right now. Lots of gypsy influence to his playing. And Romanian gypsy, not that Hungarian gypsy crap.

Alright, I'm gonna go listen to my new favorite band. They're called Wolfowitz. They're from the South Pole. The lead singer is an Eskimo who sings sea chants. Then there's one guy who plays sitar, one guy on lute, a choir of Gregorian monks, a theremin player, three guys who play the laptop, two guys who play moog, a brass section, and a DJ who scratches. They only record inside caves. Their new album sucks, but they've got a couple of B-sides that are cool.

Forgiving France

Congress Warms to France’s New President:

The United States Congress welcomed Nicolas Sarkozy, the French president, with loud cheers and standing ovations, a sign that France had been forgiven for opposing the American-led war in Iraq.

How can you forgive someone for opposing something disastrous? "Yeah, remember that thing we were totally wrong about...we forgive you for being so right. When you said don't go to war with Iraq, we forgive you for that. When you said there were no WMD, we forgive you for that. When you said it'd be a big mess, we forgive you for that." How big of us. Maybe we should also "forgive" them for having good food too.

Chinese fire drill

Ya know who’s funny? Foreigners. They’re all like “Oooga booga…I don’t speak your language.” Hilarious!

I like how whenever something is bizarre, we call it “Chinese.” Chinese fire drill, Chinese checkers, Chinese water torture, Chinese handcuffs…Yet none of those are actually Chinese. We just use “Chinese” whenever we need to describe something that’s strange.

We should do this with other stuff too. Call a toupée a "Chinese mohawk." Tell a girl who’s PMSing: “Are you having your Chinese days?” Call a handjob a "Chinese handshake." You get the idea.

Bowery Poetry Club and Kabin tonight

I'm appearing at 2 shows tonight in the East Village. Work it...

Brainyaxe Mind Comedy
Thursday Nov 15th @ 8 p.m.
Bowery Poetry Club
308 Bowery (btwn Houston & Bleecker)
Details

...and after that I'll be here:

Kabin
Thursday Nov 15th @ 9:30 p.m.
In the back room

Advance warning for next Flying Carpet at Rififi

FLYING CARPET
FREE comedy extravaganza
Tuesday, Nov. 27 (9:45pm)
RIFIFI at 332 E. 11th St. btwn 1st and 2nd Ave.
Featuring Will Franken, Reggie Watts, Julie Klausner, and Jerk Practice.

Gonna be a good one!

Video: Simon Beauregard's Guide to America

Simon Beauregard, France's #1 insult comic, talks about America's food, fashion, politics, and more.

New Vimeo channel for Sandpaper Suit

I've created a Vimeo channel for my video clips. Check it out. If you haven't been to Vimeo before, it's got lots of cool homemade clips (example) and less douchebaggy comments than YouTube.

Creamy Dreams!

Big Buck Hunter Pro

Kinda weird that the #1 video game here in NYC at every bar that's packed with liberals is "Big Buck Hunter Pro." They're all PETA-loving vegan liberals that hate rednecks, yet they LOVE to shoot Bambis with a big plastic rifle.

People make fun of rednecks who live in the south but at least they really HATE what they hate. There's no bar in rural Mississippi with a video game called Gay Pride Parade Pro. No one's playing "Operation: The Abortion Doctor Edition." "Pull out the fetus without scraping the sides! Bonus points for a third trimester kill!! Bzzzzzz. Awww, your clinic just got bombed."

No, they really hate us. Except for bagels. Everyone loves bagels. But I think you can love bagels yet still hate the Jews. That's allowed.

Have a Tyra Halloween!

Happy Halloween! My free costume suggestion: Go as Tyra-nnosaurus Rex...1/2 Tyra Banks, 1/2 dinosaur.





Fierce!

Comedy is binary

In Up the Mountain Slowly, Very Slowly, a mountain climber, who also has a dayjob as an accountant, says, “At work, the results of the decisions I make are always hard to gauge. This situation is clear — either you make it or you don’t.”

It reminds me of one of my fave parts of doing standup: There's no mystery about it. When you're in front a crowd, you know exactly how you're doing. People either laugh or they don't. In so many other art forms, it's subjective. With comedy, it's binary. The switch is on or off.

It's all part of the rawness. It's just you and your words. No instruments, no canvas, no middleman. Just put up or shut up. Love that.

Unbelievable video

Watch this video of a blind boy who has mastered echolocation. It is totally unbelievable. Not the echolocation thing...that the kid's mom's name is actually Aquanetta. Incredible!

"I'm a woman trapped inside a man's body"

It's weird when drag queens say, "I'm a woman trapped inside a man's body." How come that woman is always one who wears slutty clothes, 6-inch heels, and way too much makeup? Shouldn't it sometimes be a shy librarian type of girl that's trapped inside of them? You never hear anyone saying, "I'm a lesbian trapped inside a man's body...So I just look like a normal guy."

Update: Saw John Mulaney the other night and he did a totally similar joke. Maybe I heard him do it another time? I can't even remember but I'll err on the side of caution and drop this idea.